I (F22) live with a roommate (F27) who, frankly, barely cleans. I’m the one who’s constantly wiping counters, taking out the trash, doing dishes, cleaning up after her dog when she doesn’t — all while working full-time and trying to keep the peace. I don’t nitpick, I don’t complain every time I clean something up. I just try to do my part, and sometimes hers, so the place stays livable.
But the one time she finally decides to clean — and by clean, I mean wipe the stove and toss out some trash — she texts me this long message while I’m at work. Not to have a conversation, but to give me a passive-aggressive list of “reminders” about wiping the stove after I use it, putting my drinks away, emptying the dishwasher before she needs it, and sticking to some “decor-only” counter rule that she mentioned once forever ago like it was a binding contract. She even made a weird point to say she cleaned out “oil and asparagus” in the trash — like that was some noble act that needed public acknowledgment.
The message was condescending, and it honestly caught me off guard. I told her I got the message, and while I understood being overwhelmed, the delivery was unnecessary. I reminded her that I’ve been pulling my weight — and cleaning up after her and her dogs more than she probably realizes. I said if we’re going to start keeping tabs, I’ll just stop cleaning up her messes too. I also said her burnout isn’t mine to carry — that we both live here, and I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells or be guilt-tripped just because I’m in the same space.
She came back defensive, accusing me of overreacting, saying she was “just asking me to pick up after myself,” and called me a “little girl” for having feelings about how she talked to me. Then we ended up fighting in person, where she kept gaslighting me, telling me I was delusional, and twisting everything I said. I snapped and called her a bitch. Not proud of it — that part crossed the line, and I owned it.
I sent her a respectful apology for the name-calling. I told her I shouldn’t have said that, but I stood by the boundary I was setting. I let her know I wasn’t going to keep going in circles, and that all I wanted was for us to live respectfully and decently, nothing more.
Her response?
”You fucked up real bad. You’re going to want to bite your tongue next time little girl. You extremely crossed the line beyond my boundaries. Keep your apology and stick it up your ass delusional bitch. Don’t stop going to therapy either.”
So… that’s where we are now. I guesssss I struck a nerve. I’ve been trying to be the adult, do my share, and not make everything a thing. But the one time I speak up and set a boundary, I’m suddenly the problem. She acts like I’m a monster for reacting to her disrespect, when all I’ve been doing is trying to live peacefully in a space weboth pay for.
I’m tired of walking on eggshells around people who can dish it but lose their minds when it’s handed back to them. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been fair. I’ve tried. And now I’m just done.
Thanks for letting me get that out.
Comments
Simple solution, honor your threat of not cleaning up after her anymore. If she’s as messy as you imply it shouldn’t take long.
Every time she makes a mess and leaves, take a pic and send it to her. “Pick up after yourself”
Any way to find a new place to live?
Do you have family or anyone you can stay with for a bit? Take a little vacation away from the home for a couple weeks and maybe she’ll realize how much cleaning you actually do. But yeah, long term get out of there, she sounds awful.
I had a roommate like yours. I tried cleaning after her and not cleaning after. Doesnt matter. She never changed. I ended up kicking her out (my house). I lost a good friend all because she wouldnt take responsibility for cleaning her messes and breaking everything in my house. Some people never change and its best to get out
So I once lived in a share house with 2 other girls. Right before moving in, we had a massive falling out, like never speak again, type shit.
They were so filthy it was hellish, without any hope of healthy communication or rule setting either. I simply stopped cleaning shared spaces anymore except for when I needed to use something. It wasn’t pleasant, but it worked. Wasn’t perfect either as there was still a mess, but they stepped up to do the bare minimum after they noticed the kitchen wasn’t suddenly magically clean all the time. I was also willing to get petty, however, to a small degree, and I know that isn’t always an option.
I hope you get to move out earlier than her(even by having to pay an extra of month of non stay); do take photos of the rented area/surrounding when you clean it(as you moved out) so you can protect yourself from landlord deducting your share of deposit for post rental cleaning due to her unhygienic lifestyle.
Tbh, she is a lost cause. The way she reacted to your apology proved the lil girl whom she spoke about is no other than herself.
Otherwise, big hugs. Having to stay with a bully suck.