My SA trauma has made me hypersexual

I came to terms with this in the last few days and it’s been eating me alive.

After years of not dating men due to being raped and taken advantage of by different people, I’ve been too scared to be romantically involved with men.

I was talking to a guy for the first time in forever and it lasted a few months. I just ended things with him because I realized his red flags and how much I’m affected by trauma. It was emotionally painful leaving him and I didn’t get why. He triggered my trauma by being so pushy real early and after I said no to some things he kept trying to do, he asked to do something else I wasn’t initially comfortable with, but I gave in. I convinced myself I liked it, and to some degree I did bc sexual stuff can be enjoyable, but it wasn’t at my pace at all. I don’t blame him fully, I signed myself up by saying yes and for not figuring out a way to take myself home. I’m weak.

From that point on, I’ve been confused on what it means to have control. He was pushy and overstepped boundaries, yet I consented to the other things even when I felt unsure.

I started doing things against my personal values. Him being pushy should have been enough to know he’s NOT for me. I want to feel like everything is my choice, so it doesn’t feel like anything else can be taken from me. I became overly sexual with him, crossing my own boundaries.

I would know something doesn’t feel right, but to compensate for needing control, I would give in quickly, even initiating, escalating, doing things deep down I know isn’t what’s best for me.

In a sick way, I miss him, I miss being hypersexual with him and craving control, I miss not seeming like a disappointment to a man, I miss his obsession after I “rocked his world”, I miss and deeply hate being lusted over.

Making him wait felt like I was torturing him in a way that seemed fulfilling for me. I enjoyed the sex and hated that I did, often crying alone after. I hate myself for what my trauma has done to me. I cry thinking about my coping mechanism. I either hate sex or become so drawn with using it as a tool to feel needed and powerful.

He treated me well romantically and I separated the sex and trauma from the romance/courting. Had I not ended things, he would have became my boyfriend. I imagine a healthy future where things are better between us and wish it could have been.

I am unhealed. This isn’t some simple kink, it’s a coping mechanism that hurts me, and him trying to get me to do things I wouldn’t have done willingly reopened my wounds.