My sister and her boyfriend have been together for ten years, in those ten years they shared an absolutely beautiful loving relationship together. He is a part of our family and quite honestly loved and favored by all of our 6 siblings and parents. He has individual relationships with us all that are so special.
I live abroad and travelled home to surprise my sister on her 30th birthday. They had wanted to tell me first before sitting the family down after the party but the relief of seeing me in person after thinking they would have to FaceTime me, mixed with alcohol meant that the night of the party he broke the news to me.
I have such mixed feelings, my first reaction was to comfort him as I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for him living his life like this.
My sister is the nicest, coolest most beautiful person and he is truly lucky with how patient and forgiving she is being.
My worry is that she is not thinking of herself, there’s no anger there she seems to be so focused on protecting him from everyone and everything. (His family would not be supportive of this and I think his main concern was losing our family)
Okay now I want to get into it, my sister has always wanted babies and marriage. There has been jokes for the last at least 8 years waiting for a proposal. We all really finally thought it would be at her 30th birthday so I just can’t believe this is the way it has gone. (Also extremely pissed that her 30th birthday was robbed of her, she spent most of the night consoling him when she should’ve been with friends and family ) I can’t help feeling angry that she has been robbed of 10 years and a chance to start a family. But then I feel guilty because I know how much love they’ve shared and I’ve no doubt he really wanted a life with her.
It’s a blessing that I came home to surprise her for her birthday but I only have a week. I’m worried about her not processing what has actually happened and I’m worried about my family being angry at him because she doesn’t need that stress.
My mam and dad are especially distraught as they feel blindsided and can’t believe this is happening to their daughter
How do I support my brother in law but also put my sister first and help her to move on with her life.
They share a mortgage and dog and the way they’re speaking right now is like they’re just going to be best friends and continue living together but I think it’s just so fresh that she doesn’t realize her whole life is about to change
Any advice welcome
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Support and love your sister.
Do you live in a country where it is illegal to be gay?
If you do then I suppose I can understand why he’s lied about his sexuality although I still think it’s incredibly cruel to lie to your sister for 10 years.
I think you focus on her and her needs and think carefully about whether you continue any sort of relationship with him. He has spent 10 years lying to your sister has he also been lying to himself? Is he involved with someone else? Why on earth reveal this on her birthday?
His behaviour seems deeply narcissistic to me; on each birthday she will now remember losing the man she thought she knew and loved.
Edit: also encourage her to move out or him to do so. She cannot possibly switch off ten years love and won’t have any chance of moving on and finding love if she is living with him. Also when he starts dating it will break her.
Um, respectfully? No. You choose your sister. He just wasted ten years of her life and I sincerely doubt he “just” figured it out recently. He was living a lie for whatever reason and that sucks, but what he did is pretty much unforgivable unless his sexuality is legitimately an extremely recent development. She thought she was getting married and having kids soon and this dude is gay. Therapy for her, ASAP.
I think the being best friends is the first step to making adjustments. They will sort themselves out, do not worry. Both of them will want to move on but your sister may get angry eventually and then grieve for her losses, before coming out to the other side and wanting to move on. I am sure there have been either red flags or a double life on his side- my reading into this is he found out he is gay because he met someone he care for. There are so many things toi unwrap for you all but especially for your sister that she might crash later on. I think you should all be ready for that. I think right now she is channeling her loss and grief into managing the family, and her own feelings into displacement activities…
WOW.
That is a lot to process.
I think you have a great grasp of the situation. Yes, your sister is going to most likely have an ‘aha’ moment soon and will need support.
Obviously, everyone will have a LOT of questions as 10 years is a long time, and yes, he has robbed her in a way. She obviously loves him, and when/if he starts to date, she is going to be grieving the future she had planned, which is now going up in smoke. Maybe she will be happy with a lavender marriage?? I’m not sure. It’s definitely an option, but like you said, it seems very selfish of her boyfriend to expect this.
Honestly, your family has every right to be upset on behalf of your sister. I’m not sure what else would be expected. Hopefully, they keep it respectful, but if I were your parents, I would not be impressed. Life has changed as you all knew it.
The only solid advice I have is to be your sister’s sounding board and champion (try to get your other siblings who live nearby on board also). If you feel her boyfriend is taking advantage of her kind heart, or people are attacking her, stand up for her, her boyfriend is no longer that person.
Best of luck to you and your sister. She will definitely need people in her corner.
Support her as much as you can because chances are she’ll get none otherwise.
He’ll get all the support he needs as he moves on with his new life, your sister though will get hardly any.
Are you sure that she didn’t know already and they had a secret agreement?
It seems crazy otherwise that her first reaction was to protect and support him, especially after 10 years together.