My sister completely changed after highschool and don’t really know how to talk about it

(Very long vent I think)

I’ve never talked about this with anyone, but it’s been sitting with me for years now and I think I just need to let it out.

My sister (22F) used to be someone I really looked up to. She did well in school, was always on top of things, actually enjoyed studying and had plans for the future. She had good friends, she’d go out whenever she could, she’d laugh, joke around with me, and just felt present in her own life. She was always more on the quiet side and didn’t have that much friends but she was overall pretty happy with them & never extremely distant. She was kind, consistent, and had this calm energy about her that made her feel really grounded.

But something changed after she graduated high school in the summer of 2021. It wasn’t sudden, but little by little she started pulling away. She stayed in her room most of the time, stopped joining us for dinner, barely spoke. She deleted all her social media and ignored people who reached out to her. Even when she started college that fall, I could tell something was off. She was going through the motions but it didn’t feel like her anymore. Like she was just trying to keep up a version of herself that wasn’t there.

She dropped out of college more than once and eventually took a gap year she didn’t really make that much use of it. I didn’t see her talk to any of her old friends anymore. She wasn’t interested in doing anything like absolutely nothing. And then one night I overheard her crying to my mom. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever heard. She said she didn’t want to be here anymore and that everything is too hard for her. She told my mom she hated herself and couldn’t take it anymore. She was crying so hard she could barely breathe and kept saying she didn’t want to be alive. She wouldn’t let anyone touch her and I could hear her hitting herself. My mom just sat there listening to her kid degrading herself in any way possible untill she eventually had to leave the room because she couldn’t take it anymore. Idk but that night has never left me.

After that, she had more moments like that. She would cry in her room for hours. Sometimes I’d go to her and she’d just ask me to leave. She’d say everything is wrong with her and that she feels completely alone. She stopped working at her parttime job, didn’t go out at all, and I don’t think had anyone to talk to either. She eventually went to therapy and had to switch between three different therapists and eventually stopped going. (Don’t know the reason why tho). Last summer when we went to our home country after 6 years of not going and I remember her constantly talking about wanting to go on holiday bcs she used to love exploring, but idk she stayed behind and said she didn’t want to do go anywhere. Im lowkey mad at her for just not going? Like she was jobless and alone and didn’t seem to care.

She started college again in September but she told me she’s only going because she doesn’t want to disappoint our parents. I don’t think she’s ready. She still doesn’t really talk about anything. I don’t think she has any friends. She just looks tired all the time and even talking to her seems so empty. She doesn’t enjoy being around family and get pissed when family is coming over. I’ve seen her switching to extremely sad moods to being angry for no apparent reason. Her whole appearance changed as well. She still takes care of her self but she doesn’t look well in a way? It’s tiring hearing her constantly talking down on herself. Like actually believes she’s disgusting, worthless, and a burden.

It’s weird because I’ve gotten used to this version of her but at the same time it hurts to say that. I miss the sister I looked up to and grew up with. The one who was full of life and drive and personality. It’s like she’s still here but not really. I feel like I’ve been grieving her while pretending everything’s fine.

I don’t really know what I want out of posting this. I just needed to say it somewhere.