I desperately need outside perspective, because I’m worried my close friends and husband are telling me what I want to hear. If I am TAH please be gentle somehow because this is still very raw.
For context I grew up in a very conservative, legalistic home, and I never got a sex talk or any type of sex education (I was pulled out of it from school). When I was 5 and my brother was 14, he made me perform oral sex on him to completion. I told my parents, and while they made him apologize to me, no further action was taken. Long story short, I repressed the trauma till about 7 years ago when the gravity of what happened fully hit me. After a couple years of therapy I finally felt safe to share what happened with my 3 other siblings. It took me so long to finally get the courage to let my SIL know what happened. I called my brother (who abused me) and told him that I couldn’t carry this secret anymore and that she needed to know. He was super repentant and remorseful over what happened, and I felt at peace for once. Well on Wednesday (7/9/25), the day after he told her, I shared with her what happened in my own words, while also going into depth about why it took me so long to share what happened.
She’s currently angry with me for not coming forward sooner and feels that I handled everything poorly. She shared that she felt like an outcast in our family and when no one let them babysit their kids (our nieces and nephews) she felt like they hated her. She’s mad that everyone knew except for her. I do feel like the way she feels is valid, it would suck being in that position. But also, no matter how I try to reframe it in my head, the blame falls on my brother for not telling her. They’ve been married for over a decade, and he never told her. Isn’t that on him?
She also continues explaining that because of the environment we grew up in it made sense why he did what he did, and she doesn’t view him any differently.
Am I crazy?? I get that she’s going through a lot, but aren’t I the victim here? I’ve been in a dark place since it happened, wondering what I could have done differently. All I know is that I did the best I could at the time, and coming forward was incredibly difficult. To make matters worse, my brother apparently fully supports every word she’s said to me, which feels like a betrayal.
My sister in law (36F) is blaming me (27F) for not coming forward sooner about my brother (her husband, 36M) sexually abusing me
r/AITAH
Comments
Damn, this is some real deep shit you’re dealing with and I’m truly sorry you’ve had to go through it. U’ve got the full right to feel the way you do. It’s flat-out messed up for her to blame you, it’s not ur duty to uncover the secret, it’s ur bro’s responsibility. He’s the one who messed up. She’s angry at the wrong person. You’re ABSOLUTELY the victim here, not the villain. Stay strong, you ain’t alone in this. 👊💖 And TBH, it’s bloody high time for some therapy for all y’all involved. It’s a hot mess. 🤦♀️🔥🧯
NTA. At all. What the actual fuck. You need to cut her and your brother off completely. And you parents too if you haven’t already. People that are complicit to abuse like that are revolting.
The onus was on him to tell her what he did. And the fact that none of the family let the small kids near him shows that they knew it was wrong and still didn’t support you At ALL.
Dear fuck. I’m so sorry SIL is taking it out on you. She needs time to process it but what she said is unforgivable.
You are not the AH. You told her when you were ready to tell her and you didn’t have to tell her at all if you didn’t want too. Her husband should have told her and that’s not on you at all.
It’s not unusual for wives or GFs to whitewash bad behavior of their husbands, because they don’t want to admit the truth, have the fights, and potentially lose their meal tickets as typically men make more money in families and women-led households make up the largest sector of people living below the poverty line.
It’s not right or fair or just or moral, but it’s out there. Just look at that tv family the Duggars trying to lessen the fact they have a criminal rapist as a son.
NTA – but maybe taking some space and going LC or NC would be best for a while.
Wait, she’s blaming you and saying what he did made sense?
Lol, she’s an idiot, discount her opinion. Also, they can both go fuck themselves. NTA.
You are not to blame. Not for any single part of this horrible story. You are brave. You are strong.
Your SIL is behaving badly. But have some compassion for her; she unknowingly married a rapist. And that is not your fault. Your parents and your brother tried to make this go away and that ultimately did him no favors (let alone what it did to you). Your brother owed this explanation to his wife, not you.
Please keep going to therapy. Hold on to those who support you and ignore/block out the rest of the noise. Again, this is not your fault in any way. You are not the AH.
NTA. There’s only two people with responsibility to tell her: her husband, and whoever the head of your family is. If that’s you, you can’t. You have the trauma.
>They’ve been married for over a decade, and he never told her. Isn’t that on him? She also continues explaining that because of the environment we grew up in it made sense why he did what he did, and she doesn’t view him any differently.
This sounds like displacement to me, displaced rage. Seriously, almost anyone in your S-I-L’s position would feel an overwhelming amount of rage. But your sister has decided the right thing to do is “not view him any differently.” Easier said than done! What is she going to do with that anger?
So she throws her rage at a party who will not punish her, you. It’s perfectly normal abhorrent behavior on her part, but it’s not a reflection on you.
NTA. The problem is that your SIL is also going through trauma right now. Her life partner has been carrying this secret and he is not the person she thought he was. While you are the victim here, please understand that she is going through her own trauma too right now. She is lashing out and trying to blame anyone so that her life might still make some sense to her. She is angry and grieving. It does not excuse her behaviour but if you understand where her behaviour is coming from then it will help you to realize that you should not take it personally. You need to heal yourself and your SIL needs time to come to grips with her new reality. Hopefully she will work through this process with her support system and she will realize that you are absolutely not the one at blame here. Please take care of yourself. Please do not take your SIL’s actions personally right now.
NAH aside from the brother. You had too much trauma to tell her before, BUT, from her perspective she married a pedophile that no one, including you, warned her about. Instead of anyone, ANYONE, in the family warning her, they just let her marry him and then treated her as an outcast, FOR OVER A DECADE, before she finally realized why everyone hated her when she did nothing. Unless there’s extra info missing, OP, I assure you she’s not mad at only you, she’s mad at everyone…and honestly, I probably would be too. I’d be mad and so, so grossed out.
The victim of sexual assault is never to blame.
Definitely not TAH. Please, give yourself grace. You were a child and you took time to process the trauma. It was yours to share when and with whom you chose.
NTA, your SIL is blaming the victim and your brother is as well by supporting her. They are both toxic, go no contact with the both of them
NTA at all! Your SIL is projecting onto you and it’s wrong. You were 5 years old and you repressed the awful thing that happened. Entirely normal. Your brother could have told her at any point, she could have questioned why nieces and nephews weren’t allowed over, another family member could have told her. This was never on you. You are the victim.
I’d feel sorry for your SIL in normal circumstances, but blaming you and understanding your brother- she’s an abuse apologist.
Is this a little deflection and denial on the part of SIL? She can’t bring herself to blame the man she built a life with, so it must be the victim’s fault.
OP- you are NTA at all. I’m so sorry that horrible thing happened to you, and literally everyone around you failed you then, and they are still failing you now.
Please don’t let SIL drive you down. Stand up to her and firmly remind her that you are NOT to blame, from beginning to end, this entire thing, from the act to the secrecy is 100% on your lowlife brother. If they still insist you did anything wrong, cut out the toxicity and leave it behind. You owe neither of them a single damn thing!
I went through a similar situation in my own family. My oldest brother molested my older sister from age 7-12. She never told anyone but her husband until we were in our 40s. It blew up our family. My sister was always worried her children would be molested. We went NC with him.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You are NTA. I would consider cutting them out of your life and anyone who harasses you about it.
Definitely NTA. So sorry this happened to you, and your parents let you down. Your SIL may still be processing this and making excuses. You have done nothing wrong.
NTA. You handled everything the way you needed to in your own time. It’s not your job to share your trauma story with everyone, even your SIL.
It does suck for her that everyone knew but her, but it wasn’t your responsibility to tell her. Your job is to focus on your own healing.
Your family shouldn’t have protected an abuser and they should have demanded accountability. Your parents should have gotten him – and you – into individual therapy when he was 14.
I’d go NC with anyone who is blaming you. He is 100% to blame for his own actions. Your brother is just looking for someone else to take the heat. He’s never had any accountability from anyone.
NTA
Go LC/or no contact with them.
NTA. Your whole family failed you, most of all your parents who didn’t pursue legal consequences.
NTA – “it was your husband’s duty to tell you, not mine; take your anger out on him, not his victim; I appreciate this news is a shock to you, but I’m not going to apologise for being traumatised and I’m not going to participate in any further conversation in which responsibility is misplaced or anger misdirected”
How long have they been married? You repressed the memory until 7 years ago but only came forward now. I do understand why SIL is upset if they got together after that.
NTA – screw the SIL, not your place to tell. Her POS of a husband should have told her why they were an outcast, maybe now she’ll divorce the pedi
I could have written this. Same back story. Never told a soul though until I was an adult. I felt like I never had issues from it until it came about that my bil was molesting his daughter. That made me spiral a bit because my husband’s family backed his brother.
Anyway I also was never given the sex talk as a child. I don’t hold any animosity toward my brother. He was young too and I don’t know if he knew it was wrong. I’ve also never told his wife.
I’ve been in counseling for two years and I am doing much better.
How on Earth would you be TA? Cut her out of your life.
NTA. Neither is your SIL. Your brother is a huge AH. I would point out that this has to rock her world to the core. It’s not realistic to think she can process all of this properly in couple days. A couple months? A couple years? Think how long it took you. Your brother did not physically abuse her, but by not being forthcoming, he has also made her victim. I don’t know if the denial/justification will end. But it shouldn’t surprise anyone. It’s a coping mechanism to get through an immediate crisis of emotions. Give her time and grace, even if she never comes around. In the mean time continue working on you. Even if it means cutting them out for of your life. I wish you well.
It is not your responsibility to process or disclose your trauma in a way that is more convenient for other people. I am so sorry this happened to you, and you should be proud of the healing and the work you have done. NTA, your SIL’s feelings about this information are probably hard and complicated, but they are her’s to deal with and you are not responsible for them.
Omg no, nta.Coming from a purity culture background that makes no sense to justify what happened to you. Im so sorry it happened, and that your sister in law is justifying it. But truly, if she doesn’t see your brother any different than I’m not sure what the problem is that she didn’t know (from her perspective)
No one gets to criticize your pain and survival. You were a child and did nothing wrong. It’s not your job to expose your trauma. It’s only your job to try to heal yourself as best you can no matter how long it takes.
She can be mad at your brother. She can be mad at your parents. But she doesn’t get to be mad at the victim.
No one and I mean absolutely no other person gets to tell you how to grieve, heal or when to talk about this.
Anyone who has an opinion on this has an agenda that isn’t related to you. Her agenda isn’t yours to concede to.
NTA. That’s some heavy shit, and it’s not right to blame you. You were 5 years old, and your parents didn’t help you cope with it. They only made him apologized and then moved on like nothing happened. How should you’ve known, that this behavior was messed up and what your brother did is a felony?
As a 5-year-old, you were powerless and didn’t have the words to explain it. A lot of victims of SA, especially as a child, repress this and only deal with it as adults. Especially, when it was normalized or not talked about. Their brain trying to protect the child’s mind. Like put a pin in it, and let’s deal later with it.
So, it took you years to unravel that and starting the process to heal from it. And it was the responsibility of your brother to let SIL know. That he didn’t, speak volumes. And that she is defending this… well, this speaks volumes too. I can understand, that she doesn’t want to see him that way. It’s probably difficult, when children are involved. So, maybe she tries to reason with herself why she stays or this was ok. But it’s not. Whatever the reason why she is saying all this stuff — it’s just wrong to blame you and defending your brother. Or she is that shitty, that she really doesn’t see a problem with it.
Still, it comes down to that you are the victim, and it wasn’t your responsibility to carry that secret or letting her know.
Updateme.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she did know or if children were still at risk. People like him find spouses that help and defend them. Neither are safe, she knows and stays.
Your SIL is directing her anger in the wrong direction.
You are victim.
NTA. Your trauma, your time frame. I say this as someone that survived being raped by my older brother for 6 years.
TA are your parents for not explaining things to her before hand nor getting you therapy, etc.
I am so sorry you had to go through that!
You are not TAH.
You have done nothing wrong, and you are not in the wrong.
Whether SIL is blaming you in order to protect herself from facing what her husband did to you, or because she needs to deflect so as to not blame him for the tension between her & your family over babysitting, or because she has a propensity for making herself the victim—or all or none of these things—is her problem to work out in marriage counseling or individual therapy.
You, on the other hand, are brave enough and strong enough to face and deal with reality.
You have my admiration.
Cut them off. She blaming you for his abuse of you?? Nah.
I’m so sorry that you have go through with this. Your brother is a shitty person and your parents are in the same level! That being said, you SIL is TA for blaming you for not coming forward about what happened before this. Cut them all off from your life.
Classic victim blaming. Everyone else’s fault but her husband’s. NTA, tell your SIL to go jump before you block her.
You are definitely NTA, you are the victim.
Just always remember that.
As for your sister in law, I don’t know exactly what to say. But keep in mind what you said literally turned her world upside down.
I wouldn’t be upset with what she’s to you and I would not judge her too harshly, either. It took you many years to deal with this. She is going to have to go through journey, too.
NTA.
You are the primary victim here. Sure, SIL and her kids are too, to some degree. But they are victims of the outfall, not the act. If she doesn’t understand why it took so long to reopen those repressed memories, that’s her problem. You were and are doing the best you can under the circumstances. I’d say your brother is still a predator, and that’s why he’s talking through her.
In my book, your parents failed you in the worst way possible.
Best wishes for a fuller recovery. You deserve it.
I’m so sorry you are being scapegoated here.
So the reason you are being blamed is because the SIL isn’t ready to face the truth or hold her husband accountable, but feels safe directing that frustration and pain towards you.
This is also evidenced by her justifying him committing SA because of his home environment, and also how easily she moved right past the info about him.
OP your SIL is in denial.
NTA. While your SIL is processing this new information about her husband/your brother she is displacing her anger and lashing out at you. While that may be something you understand under no circumstances are you, as the victim in all of this, required to put yourself in the line of fire. Take some space and time off from SIL and brother and let them sort themselves out.
As for your brother of course he supports his wife blaming you – it lets him off the hook once again. Your brother is a predator who takes no accountability – zero – for his actions. He’s incapable of holding any true remorse for what he did to you, the effects it’s had on you, because he’s incapable of seeing himself to blame for any of it. This, in a sense is what he’s been taught, how he was raised and how he’s rationalized it all these years. He uses his religion, his beliefs, his world order to justify his predations.
You feel betrayed by him all over again because he is not being held accountable all over again. Of course, of course he’s happy to leap on and support his wife’s victim blaming.
I try not to approach every toxic family dynamic with an immediate call for no contact but seriously? F this guy – why would you even want him in your life? Go no contact with him, cut him out of your life like the cancer he is. To heck with everybody and anybody telling you otherwise or putting the onus on you to make it keep the peace. Tell them to hold him accountable and when he shows actual remorse and makes amends maybe you’ll be willing to rethink it.
Your story is intense. The dysfunction extends beyond your SIL, by what you are describing the dysfunction also lives within your family. Your parents didn’t do anything to protect you. 27F, are you independent? Do you have a job and live alone, are you solid in your finances? If yes, I would highly recommend that you disengage from your family for a long while well you continue therapy. In my view, you need to sit in silence by yourself and really dig deep at all the dynamics that you’ve had to deal with in your family to truly heal. Find friends in your life that have healthy family will relationships, and observe them, learn from them. Figure out what you want out of your familial relationships going forward before you start getting close to them again. It really sounds like you need to be on a journey on your own for a while to figure things out, without the chaos, toxicity, and imbalance of your family life. Don’t get lost in their noise until you feel really strong to not let others, make you feel defensive. Your SIL is insane, you were a child!!!!
I’m so sorry, OP. You are the victim of this horror show. Your SIL is a secondary victim because your brother didn’t come clean. He had plenty of time all these years. And he still didn’t after you spoke to him because he is a coward.
Your SIL was totally out of order dumping all the blame & her anger on you. You could only tell her – or anyone – when you were ready to, period. What she did was traumatize you further. Your damn brother retraumatized you by leaving you to drop the bomb to your SIL, & then not stop her from giving you hell when it should ALL be on him.
It took years for you to realize you needed therapy. But you did the work, processed what happened to you, confronted your brother, & told your SIL. All of that took TIME, COURAGE & GUTS. I admire you.
Take care of you. Get more therapy if you need it. Go LC or NC with your brother & SIL for as long as you need. Spend lots of time with the people who love & support you. ❤️
NTA. Your brother, for doing it to you, your parents for basically covering it up, and your SIL for victim shaming and blaming are.
I’m just confused. Why was it important for you that she now learns about it? Was your intention for her to feel disgusted about your brother and leave him? If so, will part of your healing process be to make sure any woman that intends to be with your brother to find out about it? Not judging, just trying to make sense of what the importance is of your SIL knowing in your healing process. You say you finally feel at peace. What exactly does that peace look like to you? Is it your brother confession of what he did to anyone who gets close to him? Any woman, all his friends, the whole family? Are you looking to overcome the trauma and move on, or are you looking to punish him now?
You’re absolutely NTA!
I know, what it’s like to try and deal with SA from your childhood, when it’s all hush-hushed by your family and you’re not getting any emotional help. (I would imagine, it’s even worse, when the attacker is the family member)
Your SIL was dealt a heavy blow. And she lashes out at the “easiest” target – you!
Confronting her husband or your parents , who are all to blame (!)means she needs to accept reality . It might happen eventually or not. It is not your responsibility or your burden!
The most important part is – be gentle with yourself, concentrate on healing. Distance yourself from toxic family situations. I wish you all the best!
Basically you’re sister in law made it about herself her response was stupid she should be ashamed of herself
How in the fuck were you raised that anyone could try to excuse a 14 year old for shoving his penis into a 5 year old?
NTAH, this is not your fault and you’re not to blame sharing your story when you did.
This is on your brother and parents.
Your SIL is trying to wrap her head around her husbands actions, unfortunately she’s misguiding her hurt.
Remind her you were a 5 yo SA victim, and her trying to guilt trip you or shame you is not right.
Updateme
Ew your SIL is disgusting. It was up to him to be honest with her about he is, not you. You were traumatized by your brothers actions and your parents lack of response and protection of you. Of course you repressed a lot because of the lack of response and it is not your fault for resolving your traumas now and not then. Just keep responding to her that she’s “in love with an incestual rapist and that’s okay sweetie! You’ll come to terms one day! :)” NTA
I’d consider going low or no contact with the SIL. She is a disgusting walking red flag
NTA. Your story is not about her and she doesn’t get to dictate or rush your process. Fuck her.
How can she be angry at you and still view him the same? I hope they don’t have kids. But yeah in her shoes I wish I had known coz I would have never married him.
Nta. You didn’t do anything, your parents failed you and your brother is a pedophile. Religious raising aside, that doesn’t justify abusing a 5yo. Your sil is lashing out at the wrong person and obviously she’s in lots of pain but you don’t have to take any of her anger. Don’t be afraid of setting and keeping boundaries.