I (28F) honestly don’t even know how to feel right now. This is my first time ever asking for advice on Reddit, but I could really use some outside perspective.
Long story short, my younger sister (23F) moved to a different city without telling anyone in our family. She just up and left—no warning, no goodbye. We tried reaching out multiple times, and when I finally managed to connect with her, the conversations went nowhere. She blamed everything on our family trauma, which I do understand to an extent. I gave her space, tried to be supportive from a distance, and made it clear I was still here for her if she ever needed someone.
But then she told me something that really messed with me—she said she couldn’t stay in contact because in her mind, we were already dead. That she had mourned us like we had died. Like… what?! That really hurt.
Now, months later, she’s suddenly back and acting like everything is fine. No apology. No real conversation. And on top of it all, she wants a job at my husband’s company. (Also she has never met my husband because , we got married when she up and left )
I’m still so angry and hurt by how she treated all of us, especially me. Part of me wants to say absolutely not—why should she get a job through us after cutting everyone off like that? But the other part of me doesn’t want to create more family drama or look like I’m being petty. I also do want to help her… just not sure if I’m ready or if this is even the right move.
What the hell do I do? What do I say? Has anyone been through something like this?
Edit/update:
Wow, I didn’t expect so many comments—thank you all for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.
One of the most common questions has been: what’s the family trauma? I don’t have hours to unpack it all, but I’ll try my best to give a general picture.
We grew up with an abusive dad. He kicked me out when I was 20, and my sister was much younger at the time. While all of us experienced some level of abuse, I took the brunt of it—my dad hated me and was especially cruel toward me. My siblings were affected too, but I definitely got the “hot hand” more than anyone else.
My sister saw some horrible things growing up, and her feelings are absolutely valid. We each experienced and interpreted that trauma differently, and I completely respect that. That’s why I’ve tried to give her space and compassion.
Her main narrative is that no one ever supported her, which just isn’t true. We’ve all tried—myself included. I’ve reached out in every way I could while still respecting her boundaries. She’d respond sometimes, but she’d lie about random things—like what she was doing with her life—which made it difficult to build any kind of real connection. Again, I get that trauma plays a role, but she’s also an adult now, and actions still have consequences.
What hurts the most is how she treated the rest of the family—especially my siblings who did support her. One of my siblings literally helped pay for her college. And she cut him off too, just like she did with me. And she has been asking them for a job too. And I’m a ride or die for my siblings just to put that into context. That’s why I feel the way I do.
Now she’s moved back in with my family (about a month ago), and one of my siblings happens to work for my husband. Because of that connection, she’s started poking around, trying to figure out how to get a job at my husband’s company. And yes my husband’s company is successful, to keep it anonymous I won’t be sharing what industry or what he does.
There’s a lot I probably haven’t explained fully—this situation has so many layers that are hard to fit into one post—but for now after reading everyone’s comments, I’ve decided I’m going to tell her “no,” as kindly as I can. I just don’t feel right opening that door when there’s still so much unaddressed that I feel best to let her figure out on her own. She still hasn’t met yet to meet my husband so I guess that will be the first step.
Thanks again for the support—it means more than you know.
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Backup of the post’s body: I (28F) honestly don’t even know how to feel right now. This is my first time ever asking for advice on Reddit, but I could really use some outside perspective.
Long story short, my younger sister (23F) moved to a different city without telling anyone in our family. She just up and left—no warning, no goodbye. We tried reaching out multiple times, and when I finally managed to connect with her, the conversations went nowhere. She blamed everything on our family trauma, which I do understand to an extent. I gave her space, tried to be supportive from a distance, and made it clear I was still here for her if she ever needed someone.
But then she told me something that really messed with me—she said she couldn’t stay in contact because in her mind, we were already dead. That she had mourned us like we had died. Like… what?! That really hurt.
Now, months later, she’s suddenly back and acting like everything is fine. No apology. No real conversation. And on top of it all, she wants a job at my husband’s company. (Also she has never met my husband because , we got married when she up and left )
I’m still so angry and hurt by how she treated all of us, especially me. Part of me wants to say absolutely not—why should she get a job through us after cutting everyone off like that? But the other part of me doesn’t want to create more family drama or look like I’m being petty. I also do want to help her… just not sure if I’m ready or if this is even the right move.
What the hell do I do? What do I say? Has anyone been through something like this?
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“she said she couldn’t stay in contact because in her mind, we were already dead.”
Hmm… I’d tell her she’s dead to me now.
But you do you OP.
Of course she’s acting like everything is fine. She wants to use you all.
She won’t get her way by being mean.
Set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries OP.
Life goes much more smoothly for those who do.
Tell her that you mourned her already, and can’t hire a ghost.
Tell her to apply like everyone else.
OP IMO she will create issues at some point if she works at your husband’s company. It’s never a good thing to mix family and business.
Do not give her a job within that business. You know your sister is a flake.
Just throw a tester out. Say your husband company is at capacity and see if she flips her lid.
Say something along the lines I’d like to reconnect and talk but my husbands company is full at the time. If she cuts you off You know she just wants a job.
If she keeps in contact maybe she wants back in your life and doesn’t know how to say sorry. Then you can asses if you want ti help her get a job.
Honestly, I think you let your husband handle this one. Is his company. Now, if it is his personal company, then he should absolutely handle it or what you guys should say is…
You can put your résumé in your application in. Our rule is that just like with anyone who wants a job at this company, family goes through the whole application process. And I don’t make the final decision. I have people that make the day in a day out decisions on these things because they are the ones who will be working most directly with the people who are hired.
And no, I don’t make exceptions to this. And… If family members are close friends do wind up being hired at my company, they are expected to abide by all the same rules everyone does. They receive no special treatment. No special salary. No special status.
If by your husband‘s company, you mean the company he works at… Then your husband needs to be honest with the hiring team. Explain what has gone on with your sister in the past. That no explanations have even been forthcoming. Nobody knows if she just flaked and left. If she Had issues and got into therapy somewhere and came back. But that they should definitely bear that in mind before they decide to hire her.
As for you, OP, stay out of it. And you tell her and the rest of the family that that is how it will be handled. That you are not going to be involved because it is your husband‘s company. Or because it is your husband‘s job. And that it is inappropriate to try and get employment through you at something that you’re not involved in.
Just tell her that it isn’t possible to get a job from dead people. 🤷♀️
You need to have a long conversation with her as to why she did what she did. Listen to her and communicate. That’s where you start.
Never recommend friends or family for a job where you work. Very rarely does it work out and your sister is a little sketch. Tell her to ask again in 3 years once she’s shown that she is stable and reliable.
I don’t know your family history in order to understand the dynamics and trauma. However, while your sister is entitled to her feelings, she made decisions that impacted you and your sibling relationship.
It’s troubling that she is rug sweeping how she behaved, what she said to you.
She now must understand that you too are entitled to feel shocked at her attempt to utilise you.
I would not be enabling this behaviour, especially as you can’t predict how she will conduct herself within your husband’s company. This could have lasting implications for his career and standing within the organisation. It would be too much of a gamble imo.
This doesn’t make sense. She’s only been gone for “months” yet she didn’t meet your husband before she took off?
You say there is “family trauma” which she claims lead her to running and disowning her family, and you understand that. Without knowing more detail, I don’t understand why you aren’t welcoming her back with open arms.
It’s your husband’s company. Talk to him. What I would recommend is that he treat her like any other applicant. She can send a resume. If he doesn’t have an opening, he doesn’t hire her. If he has an opening, but she’s not qualified, he doesn’t hire her. if there is a possible fit, he needs to decide based on his own values around hiring relatives and on his evaluation of her character and work ethic. (My thought? Don’t hire relatives, but his mileage may vary). Put it in his hands: “Sister, I mentioned to my husband that you were looking for a job. Here’s his email if you want to get in contact.” Then let him handle it.
And stop worrying about family drama. Your husband owes no one in your family a job. Whatever you do, don’t introduce her to your husband or go where she is likely to be. She seems like a piece of work if she asks for a job from a BIL she’s never bothered to meet but I’m sure he can figure out if she’s a person he can hire. She’s very young and likely has few skills. If people raise this issue with you, say, “Husband is running a business. It’s not a charity.” And then move on.
Hell no!
As the daughter that left my family I understand that means I can’t ask those people for anything. I made the choice that they are not in my life and that’s that. She made her choice let her live with it. If you both agree to work on your relationship that’s one thing but leave your husband’s company out of it.
Girl be petty. Tell her you went the route she did and mourned her. Dead people can’t have jobs.
You might not want to say absolutely not, but I do! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
She’s clearly an unpredictable and unstable person. She cuts people out rather than maintaining relationships. Doesn’t take responsibility for past actions. How can you recommend her? And how could your husband vouch for her if he’s never met her?
Easy pass. Easy to explain.
Were you part of the family trauma on her end or did you both experience this family trauma together? If not, then you experienced that same family trauma that she did, so why “kill” you too? I can understand “killling” off your parents if that’s what was warranted because of what they did, but your sibling who also probably went through the same drama?!?! Sounds sus to me and very excuse ish. Personal I would not be giving her or her husband a job. It could cause issues down the road cuz she doesn’t sound the most stable.
Your sister sounds unstable. You shouldn’t put your husband’s job at risk by pulling any strings for her. “It’s great to hear from you, but he can’t get you a job.”
Sorry, can’t help you. I’m busy being dead…
Tell your husband to not recommend her or even attache his name to her. If she wants to work there, she can do it on her own merit. She’s only going to make work harder for your husband and make him look bad. Especially given her history with you and the rest of your family.
It seems to me this is what you’ve been wanting all along. Otherwise you wouldn’t have indicated that there was a door open for her. She’s opened the offered door. Even though she didn’t open it in the way and time you wished, she still opened it. I’d give her some grace.
As for the job…. I dunno. I wouldn’t promise anything but an interview, but I’d stay out of it. Let that be your husband’s decision.
Tell her to kick rocks.
OP, we need more details. What is the old drama? Why is she so ok with saying goodbye to all of you?
She obviously tried to leave but lacked something that would have allowed her to. What do you think that was?
Sounds sus. Why your husband’s business? Has he been talking to her? Does she know what his business it is since she went no contact?
Something seems off..
We are dead, remember?
That’s not how cutting people off and saying they’re dead to you works. You don’t get to waltz back in like none of that never happened.
Want to be back in everyone’s life? You need to have conversations and put in the work, only then will you be fully forgiven.
Id tell her you could have a job if you attend family counseling and therapy with you for 3 months first.
Tell your husband not to hire dead people. I’m sorry but she abandoned her family and has no loyalty, not someone I’d want to hire.
You don’t know her anymore and she clearly has issues surrounding family. It would not be good to invite her back into your life after she made it clear she didn’t want to be in contact.
Husband: “sorry, I only vouch for people I know very well.”
Setting aside her rudeness, you need to decide whether you want a relationship with her again. It’s reasonable to say “hey, I can’t discuss hiring you without working through what’s happened between us.” If she’s not willing, then go no/low contact. She’s got major issues.
If she’s willing to talk – maybe she’s had therapy, or figured out her trauma and addressed it, or whatevs – then see if you guys can have a decent relationship before any employment talk comes up. The last thing you want is to be embroiled in drama.
Yea, she ran away . Hoes no contact says she considered you all d÷#$ to her, then comes prancing back.
Nope, it would not be a good idea at all for husband to hire her. Do not put your husband in this position. Setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble. As a poster suggested, tell her not hiring but would love to do lunch and see what happens.
Whatever decision you make is unfortunately going to lead to family drama:
. If you choose not to help her, she could blame you and use past tramaus/experiences as a way to try to manipulate you, and it will likely get around your family and cause drama
. If you choose to help and it goes badly, it could likely lead to your sister blaming you, saying you somehow sabotaged her and didn’t help her enough, which will likely cause more family drama
. If you choose to help her and it works, it may encourage her to believe she has you wrapped around her little finger and can get you to do anything she wants. Or, it could result in a relationship where she only shows up/reaches out when she needs something from you.
Your sister at the very least doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong in her actions or what she has said.
Add to all of that how your husband’s reputation could be affected if she got a position at the company. If it didn’t work out, and word got around that your husband (through you) recommended her, could it negatively impact him?
It seems like whatever choice you make is likely to cause family drama.
Personally, I’d tell her that she chose to cut contact (which I’ve respected), but that she has said some hurtful things. And, that until at least get an apology, we have nothing more to say to one another. Then I’d deal with whatever fallout comes from it.
But that’s me.
Good luck with your choice.
Update me!
Just say NO!! Tell her she said you are all dead so let’s just keep it that way.
When it’s family and they fuck me over that’s the end of our relationship.
What do you say?
“Right now there’s no vacancy.
All the positions are fully taken up.”
It’s easy to employ her, but difficult to get rid of.
You must always think of exit strategy first.
Sorry, dead people can’t hire you. 🤷🏼♀️
It sounds like she’s young and immature (23) and had some serious issues to deal with. As someone who came from a traumatic childhood, I recommend speaking with her about what happened as soon as possible. The.ln let her know your husbands company’s he handles all the hiring
Tell her you understand the trauma has hurt her but until she apologizes you’re not willing to stick out your neck for her. She abandoned you years ago. She doesn’t get to walk in and act like you owe her your kindness or any favors. You don’t know who she is, what her skills are, what she brings to the table. She can start by apologizing and a deliberate effort in rekindling a connection. Until then she’s a stranger.
Tell her she’s welcome to apply but it will be on her own merits, as your Husband has to recuse himself & let someone else handle her application.
Whether true or not & she can argue all she wants…but just Company rules🤷♀️
Tell her the only job is cleaning toilets part time for minimum wage. No benefits.
Seriously, don’t give her a job.
Tell your husband not to hire her. Something is fishy here. I wouldn’t trust her. Best case scenario, she’s a horrible employee and wants special favor. Worst case scenario, she looked up your husband and is considering a revenge plan to seduce him away from you.
You can still have a relationship with her, but don’t trust her. She has not earned that right.
I would tell her that you don’t know her well enough to make a recommendation, but perhaps over time that will change. Because in reality, this is true. Could you in good faith? Have your husband recommend her when you have no idea if she will even be around long enough to make it worth your time. Your husband should not be expected to put his reputation on the line for a stranger.
Tell her to apply via ouija board.
Wish her luck.
I might occasionally make ghostly whooooooo sounds too.
hard no. if there’s already family issues, don’t involve your husband and his workplace. protect your husband and yourself and y’all’s income
So family history aside and just looking at this from a logical perspective. No feelings on the table here.
How can you know if she would be a reliable employee after being gone 3 years? This is a business and not a charity. In theory, you hire the wrong person and it can destroy the company.
Three years no contact at that age is dang near a lifetime. You have no idea what she is now like as an adult. I would welcome her back as family but I would (personally) not hire her yet. See if she is interested in going to therapy with you. Work on building trust with each other again. Then visit finding a position for her.
Say no. Don’t for a moment think she won’t try to take advantage; no show or late, not pulling her weight, or just flat out refuse to work. Happens all the time. Relatives don’t usually mix well w business
Ghost her, remember you are dead to her
No for several reasons.
Family and business usually ends up messy.
You/your husband don’t know anything about her skills as an employee.
Family and business always ends up messy
You already know she has strong feelings about you and your feelings
See #1
At 20, she was clearly in a shitty place and still developing. I think you owe it to yourself to have a conversation with her, explain your hurt, and allow her a chance to mea culpa and rebuild before you just say no. It’s not easy being young and figuring out who you are and who you want to be. She said some dumb shit when she was 20. Is that worth throwing the whole person away? You really don’t know each other anymore. It seems like she’s at least moderately amenable. I will save her involvement with you is contingent upon her getting a job. Well, then no she’s just using you and let that ship sail, but I would be the older sibling and try to broach this rift in a healthier way than just throwing it back at her.
I would tell her that you are willing to get to know her again but you don’t know her anymore so you wouldn’t feel right getting her a job at your husband’s company.
Months or years?
You could ask her to acknowledge everything before you talk further
Seriously, someone that acted this way, would have too much emotional baggage. Depending on the family trauma there could be triggers in the workplace, which I would avoid at all costs.
Never hire family. Doesn’t matter how your relationship is, never hire family.
Tell hubby, she is too flaky to hire. Let her fill out an application and hubby tells the interviewer, no.
Better get a decent lawyer, she’s up to something.
That’s the kind of girl you don’t want around your husband
You don’t do anything. You’re dead to her, remember.
Stay away from this. Do not help her out. She is a stranger who can be a potential liability to your livelihood and marriage
I would be very weary hiring her after all this time of no contact.
UpdateMe
I don’t know what is going on with her. But if she were a stranger with that kind of history, would you really want to trust her with a job in your company?
Ummm I didn’t read all the comments but how does she even know what your husband does for a living? She stalk him? Everything about this is just really odd and kinda shady. Don’t invite chaos into your life. Your sister has proven to be incapable of taking any accountability for her actions. She’s proven to be incredibly inconsistent and inconsiderate. And like many others have already stated; don’t mix family with business. Wish her the best and continue living your best life.
Don’t make a decision until after you talk with her. Have a cup of coffee together, and tell her you are confused and hurt and worried. See how you feel afterwords. Trust your gut. You told her you understood and were here if she needed you. So, she needs you. Be here. That doesn’t mean you can’t share your own feelings. Talk to her. You’ll know.
Your life & husband’s life & company to her:
Access denied, bye Felicia.
There is obviously a reason why she may have ghost you / everyone but to come out of the woodwork & suddenly want a job related to you / your husband’s company is strange af. She should at least contact you personally, re kindle, intergrate herself & share her vulnerabilities with you at why she has ghosted people.
But considerate-critical thinking isn’t for everyone, unfortunately.
I’d tell her that you would only contact her if she’s getting therapy. Her expectations are all over the place. There needs to be boundaries between you two. She hurt you, blamed the family for her trauma and ditched everyone. Whether or not there was trauma by the family and her solution was leaving the family permanently your sister needs to be in serious therapy.
People who abandon toxic family members so they can seek health generally do not go back. The fact she has come back shows she is not seriously thinking of mental health and was most likely thinking of vengeance.
Why would you want someone so mercurial around your husband? What happens if she decides, once again that she thinks you are bad and leaves? She has to build trust.
A job is a lot to ask after her actions. She is in no position to ask for favors after what she has done to you.
Sounds like your sister has borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. Without more information regarding past trauma, which you glossed over… it’s hard to say what’s really going on.
No. Do not set your husband up like this. When you professionally recommend someone, your reputation is on the line.
This may be your sister, but you don’t know her as a person anymore. If she is constantly late, for substandard work, or expects to get away with poor behavior it could harm your husband’s future at his company.
Tell her that your husband can only recommend people that he knows well, and he doesn’t know her.
Don’t hire friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, or people you met at a bar — it will always end in disaster. And with this kind of relationship, there’s a 0% chance it ends well.
Honestly say that her volatile emotions disqualify her from any personal recommendations for at least the next 3 years, family or not.
AT LEAST 3 !!!
She declared you all “dead to her” months ago. No reason to put your/your husband’s reputation on the line for a flaky relative.
NTA
If you want to keep being a doormat to your sister’s whims keep in contact but if you really want to stand up for yourself and your family and not allow a ghost to work in your husband’s company I would go low contact and just tell her to find a job elsewhere. You’re already dead to her after all. Words matter. No family is worth tolerating verbal and emotional abuse. What your sister did was unkind and intentionally hurtful and I’m guessing this isn’t the first time that she has done something like this and I’m guessing it will not be the last The question is, is your husband going to go down with the ship? A woman like this is not to be trusted and certainly is not reliable.
You say you are sorry but your husband doesn’t hire the dead.
Neither of you know who she is now and what her experience and abilities are- you can’t recommend someone you don’t know for a job. I like other people’s idea to let her know they are not hiring or the position has been filled to gauge if she is actually interested in reconnecting. Then maybe suggest family therapy to move forward
Tell that hoe to pound sand.
Nope. She needs to reconnect normally and regain trust, not by jumping in and acting like nothing happened.
She doesn’t HAVE to be allowed to control the narrative, you know.
No she can’t be trusted what happens if you get her a job and she leaves again or tries to get with your husband
I’d like a job from your husband’s company, too.
I would simply say her, “Ask him yourself; I am happy to drop the introduction.”
If she waffles or back-peddles, remind her that she said you were dead to her, and dead people can’t do favors. Then give her a single chance to fix it.
Then, when she doesn’t come through, drop her like a hot rock, because you lived 3 years without her…another 30 or so won’t hurt.
Nope!!!
Don’t do it.
So when you said you would be there for her when she was ready you lied. You made up some devastating blow from a damaged child and are proving she was right about all of you. Good job!
Are you serious, FFS block her. Who cares if she’s your sister, she’s toxic. And remember your dead to her….
Bad idea. No good, very bad idea.
If you give in, trouble will follow. I know from my own experience. Try to think with your head not with your heart.
She’s using you because she googled who you are now. Cut her off. She doesn’t love you or care. You are a tool to get what she wants. Don’t reward that behavior
“No.”
Honestly after what she did I don’t think I could vouch for her getting a job at your husband’s company as she’s already shown you can’t really trust her. She is all over the place and not taking any accountability for her actions. If she wants to just apply at the company and see if she can get a job there on her own merit without the familial assist well then fine, but vouching for her, you have no idea what she is capable of now as you really don’t know her anymore.
No, just no. Unless you factually know how a person performs at work, do not allow nepotism. Your sister is taking an easier way out for her bar decisions. Zero accountability.
You have nothing to take on guilt for. You tried, she didn’t and she still has no respect for you. Being there for her does not mean placing your husband’s job at risk.
Sis wanted to be an adult. Let her.
Besides the fact that you are ‘ dead’ thus not really in a position to help –
How could you recommend ANYONE for a job when you know nothing about their qualifications and skills????
All you know is that she is good at leaving without notice ( even if it was-to her- for a good reason) and asking for favors.
Don’t hire her because there’s going to be major drama if you do.
Updateme
OP, seems like your sister had difficulties in the past, maybe to mourn you dead was a trick to leave all behind and find a better place mentally. If so it is not like wishing you dead. I understand that there is a lot to work on at this point but I d give her a chance. Maybe not at your husband s work, but if you could find another job for her. This could help to show her you are interested in a good relationship.
If she’s that messed up of a person to behave like that, she’ll be a terrible employee. If you want to work on a relationship with her, keep it out of the workplace.
Is she even qualified for the job
Why am I the only one calling bullshit on this posting? A number of people said the sister sounds sketch, but so does OP and this entire posting. Why hasn’t OP bothered to answer a single question, like how does sister know where the husband is employed or what his company is (and which is it?) if she never met him? And is OP REALLY that stressed out (“What the hell do I do? What do I say?”) by such a stupid request by her sister? This is nonsense. Come on.
She’s been gone long enough for you to meet, date, and marry your husband. He and you, have no idea what kind of employee she would be. It’s not like you can give her a positive recommendation.
I don’t know anything about your lives. She did what she needed to. It sounds like you understand that.
However your husband shouldn’t hire out of nepotism. It’s corrosive. Help her in other ways and rebuild.
I don’t think you should help her get a job at your husband’s company. In light of what she has said and done, can you trust her not to cause issues for him?
I feel like there’s too much missing information. If she was valid for going no contact because of family trauma, then part of processing that is grieving the loss. I understand how what she said could be hurtful, but it seems that you are holding on to more hurt which could also be valid.
You deserve to be understood and so does she. I’d set the boundary that until you both feel like you are on the same page, it would be detrimental to strengthening your relationship by complicating it with more pressure. If you both get to that place, then you both decide how to navigate future bridges.
One step at a time.
Never, ever, ever lend family or friends money OR give them/hire/recommend them for a job with you, for you, or even just to be nice.
It will come back to bite you and your husband in the ass for years to come if either of you get involved in any way, shape or form.
Stay away from her. She clearly only takes and she will give absolutely zero back to you or your family.
Tell her “in my mind you’re already dead to me” works both ways.
Good luck ♥️🫂
I think that’s a big ask. Plus what if she is up to no good. Be cautious and careful!
OP, I get completely the ‘tell her to get lost’ takes. But let’s take the emotion out of it for a moment.
Is her behaviour – her general instability and unreliability – of the kind that would also be a risk to your husband’s company? If so, then I suggest your husband have a discreet word with his boss, marking her card for these qualities if any application came in.
She is free to apply, of course. But genuinely, the way one lives does create a trail of reliability/unreliability, trustworthiness/untrustworthiness, good or bad ways of communicating with others through a situation. And she is an adult like anyone else, and has created just such a trail. And employers would receive this in the form of references, or opinions about a potential applicant.
So, not down to you to be in the awkward position of yes/no. But absolutely let the company know what kind of person they are potentially going to be hearing from.
Don’t do it. She’ll only cause trouble. You don’t know what her intentions are now and what kind of person she’s become. Be careful.
Your sister seems really unstable and inserting her into your husband’s work could be dangerous to his job. If she creates drama there it could be hard not to have that reflects onto him for multiple reasons.
I’d avoid helping her in that way. She seems incapable of handling personal conflict in a healthy manner so be careful about the impact that could have in all aspects of your relationship.
I wouldn’t trust your sister ,who knows what she’s what too ,keep her away from you and your family ,sounds like trouble
No she is unstable – that person should never ever work for you or your husband EVER
She’s going to nuke your marriage. She still harbours hatred towards you, dont give her an opening. Dont help her.
Never mix family and work.
NTA. Nope it’s called consequences- you don’t get to be a complete piece of work, say dreadful things & then expect everyone to rug sweep it & help you.
No job – you don’t know what she’ll say/do to employees about you, him or your family. You can’t have drama/gossip running through his company & undermining him.
And hiring family is just a shitstorm waiting to happen even in heathy family dynamics.
Do not put your husband at risk.
As for more family drama – nope still her drama this is called consequences- & she’s about to learn there are some
Your sister has shown by her actions that she is not reliable, in that instance it’s not a good idea to mix family with business and recommend her. If she wants to reconnect with you, that’s one thing but if it’s just for a job, nope, too unreliable.
A dead person can’t help. Tell her to try with the living ones.
NEVER mix business and family. What if she turns out to take advantage of the position she’s in, and doesn’t work the way she would if he was a complete stranger? Now your husband is stuck with an employee who doesn’t work well but can’t fire her because she’s your sister. I would absolutely talk to your sister about how she said you were dead And tell her you would like to go into therapy with her to repair the relationship. I would make it very clear that that is going to be step one before anything else is going to be discussed.
NTA
She has to apply at your husband company like everyone else. She can get the job on merit.
Do not pull strings. You will create way more dramas this way.
I too have a similar experience with my sister. This is the problem with siblings, you doing some great, they envious or jealous, you ask help from them reject you, you have something nice, they want it also. More like reverse toxicity. Indirect.
Your husband doesn’t know her. He should let hr know he doesn’t know her if she puts his name on an application.
She’s only back because she wants something. If she didn’t, you’d still be dead to her.
Your husband would also be putting himself on the line if he helped her get that job.
No. Don’t mix family with any business and that’s even if you were on good terms. It would be a huge mistake!
She will create big issues and it will be hard to fire her! Say there are no positions available. And if there are any say someone else has been already hired!
You’re not obligated to help her. She hurt you and your family and you can tell her that you’re not ready for her to be so close to your family after everything she’s done. There’s other jobs out there. She doesn’t need to get one through a dead person.
No. You said she blamed family trauma and you understood. When people go NC they don’t just come back into your life like nothing happened. Seems to me that she might benefit in some therapy. Ask yourself has your life been better without her around. Let that guild your actions.
Nta she is using you, or trying to get close to your husband. Either way keep your distance
She’s not responsible, likely has a bit of an issue with reality and has a communication problem of nearly biblical proportions.
She’s not a good candidate as family OR an employee.
No how are you , sorry, let’s talk? Just straight to here’s what you can do for me. She may be blood but you don’t know her very well now. Given her past behavior with zero explanation or reckoning this puts your husband’s job and reputation there at risk. She’s never met him? No contact with family? How does she even know he works there? Is her trauma healed? She’s caused some trauma of her own with her behavior. She’s coming across as very entitled with no problem throwing people away and then using them when she wants something.
This is simple, don’t make it more complicated. When she comes to you, tell her: “In my mind, it’s as if you’re dead. I’ve already mourned you.” And you close the door in her face.
Follow this advice and talk to your husband so that under no circumstances will he give her a job at his company. She’s probably realized the grass isn’t greener on the other side, and everything seems to indicate she has her own agenda
The job piece is kind of a moot point. You don’t know her and jobs are about relationships and trust. So first step is building a relationship and trust.
It appears you think my husband can just get you a job even if you are unqualified<if she says no skip the next sentence>. Obviously my husband can’t just hire anyone for any position there are policies against that. He can pass your information to the right people but his ability to speak to your skills and interests would be critical. It seems I have been dead for three years now, so I’m a little out of touch. I wouldn’t know you anymore what you have done for work. Let us sit down and have a heart to heart personally and professionally. Then we can work out best next steps for our relationship, both personally and professionaly. What do you think of that for a solution, or do you have a different solution or outcome you are trying to achieve? <then shut up>
Give her an option and an out to come up with an option but this isn’t a transaction(get me a job) this is a relationship and she has to decide how she shows up. It needs to be as a 23 year old adult not a child.
Skills to use will be what and how questions yo make her flush out a plan and solve the relationship. Probably use mirroring with her with both questions and reinforcing statements. And name what is going “it appears” and “it seems statements.
Tell her it’s a policy not to hire family. Simple
Your sister sounds very unstable and you don’t need her toxic traits in your life.
Send her a message along this line.
Thank you for reaching out I am happy to hear you have come to this new cross road in life.
While I commend what you’ve been able to achieve , I am not ready to embrace this new you, please give me sometime. I will be in touch when I can.
It sounds like something happened three years ago that was difficult for your then 20 year-old sister to handle. Perhaps she has had time to process it all and this is her awkward way of rekindling the relationship. Or maybe she’s just looking to use you. Either way, you did say you would still be there for her… I think the question you have to ask yourself is do you want a relationship with her or not? If the answer is yes, it doesn’t start with you doing her a big favor. It starts with clearing the air. You need to understand and own your part in her decision to walk away from the family. She needs to understand and own the pain she caused you.
You’re dead, how you gonna help her out?
No
Text her back “Can you repeat that in Ouija?” NTA
Can’t ask dead people for favours…
Info: do you still have a relationship with your parents? Does she? Because if so this can be viewed as supporting the abuser and maybe she feels betrayed? If not, I would just say she needs therapy. She definitely hasn’t handled this well but she’s young so maybe running away was just the only way she knew to cope. Even if that’s painful to others that love her. But you also have to do what you’re comfortable with for yourself. Maybe you could try some therapy together to try and work through some of this.
I don’t do favors for people who are not my family. And 3 years ago you made it clear we were not family when you told me that I was dead to you. That you had mourned us and moved on with your life.
There is no coming back from that in my mind. You have to earn a spot back in my life and I don’t think you have any desire to do that. You just want to sweep this all under the rug. And I simply ain’t havin that shit.
You owe each and every member of this family an apology and an explanation…and then you need to tell us how you are going to earn our trust back. Until then, I have no place for you in my life.
Tell her your husband can’t risk his reputation giving a reputation on someone he has no background as to what their work experience or ethic is like.
Absolutely not. She left without any explanation, came back without any explanation, she blamed you for seeing you being abused… She is too unstable and unreliable. She did it to people whom she supposedly loved the most, now imagine what would she do at her job if she feels wronged? She is a liability for your husband’s business.
Frankly, she’d be a liability to keep in my life. She hurt you and all the people who loved her, and doesn’t feel any remorse. She will hurt you guys again when she feels like it. Protect yours and your family’s peace of mind.
I’d tell her that you are dead to her, she mourned and buried you, she should learn to live without you now. You are not a zombie to be called back at her desire.
I would not hire her because she is not reliable.
Updateme
Until she can own her previous actions, and take responsibility for them..
Hard “No” to the hire.
Reconciliation and rebuilding relationships must come first, and those are on her to establish. She seems very much about “me,” so I suspect this may be years off, if it ever happens. She seems like a user of people.
Block her. She’s a taker. She took from your sibling who paid for her college. Just block her and move on.
Sorry, no family relations allowed at the business.
You don’t get to disengage than reengage when you need something. I definitely wouldn’t get her a job. She’s a liability to your husband business.