My younger sister(24 F) and I(28 F) have such an effed relationship. Growing up, we actually were pretty close and got along well. We grew up in a verbally and physically abusive household with a mother with a personality disorder, so we’ve always stuck together and had each other’s back. When our parents finally split, we became closer, and she was very emotionally dependent on me. In many ways, I have been a parentified child to her as my parents and other family were not safe people for her to ask for help.
After she started college, something shifted. She was never super lovey dovey or expressive about it, but she distanced herself from me(and stopped talking to my mom altogether) significantly. We lived in the same area, and I would only see her maybe once every 3-4 months. When she went to college, she went a little crazy as kids do when they are raised very strict. Dated a few abusive assholes, drank heavily, and most importantly started smoking weed heavily. To this day, she smokes weed heavily and I believe she has a problem with it. As of a week ago, i notified my family(minus my mom) about it, and we’re currently figuring out how to talk to her about it.
It’s like there was this personality shift. She to this day is always extremely moody, has horrible delivery, often lashes out at me when i want to have any conversation about our relationship. She is extremely critical of me, calling me overly emotional, a victim, and annoying. When we get into arguments, nothing is off limits; she has said some of the most hurtful things to me in moments of anger and later will (sometimes) apologize. It feels like she just simply doesn’t like me as a person; but when she finds herself in moments of trouble, or needs emotional support I am the singular person she confides in.
I so so badly want a better relationship with her. My dad died very suddenly and traumatically 3 years ago, i currently don’t speak to my mom after tolerating years of emotional and physical abuse from her. But it’s like she doesn’t treat me like a person. I feel resentful because its not a reciprocal relationship and she treats me poorly.
I guess my question is…what do i do? Do i just have a relationship with her from afar? Do I just need to accept this is how she is? Do I maybe just need to wait if/until she kicks her (maybe) addiction and see if maybe that’s the problem? Please be kind; this is an extremely sensitive and painful situation for me.
TLDR: Younger sister(24 F) and I(28 F) have been through immense trauma. I want to repair our relationship but she won’t put in the effort.