Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I (26F) got pregnant unexpectedly from my boyfriend in college. He dipped out of my life soon after and I’ve not heard from him since. I was emotionally and financially unequipped to take care of a child, and I was searching for a good couple to adopt him. A high-school friend of mine, Jake (27M) and his husband Gary (25M) offered to adopt my son. It was an open adoption, and I still was involved in his life as a fun aunt.
My son is 5 now, and his dads have been broaching the topic of telling him about the adoption and that I’m his bio mom. They want me to bring up the topic with him, but I think that it would be better if they do, since he would obviously be more comfortable hearing it from their mouths.
They have berated me, and told me that I should be the one to tell it to him as the one who gave him up at the first place. My mom has also been telling me that I probably should be the one to tell him.
TL;DR: I (26F) placed my son in an open adoption with friends (27M & 25M) and stayed in his life as a “fun aunt.” Now that he’s 5, they want me to tell him I’m his biological mom. I think it should come from them, but they insist it’s my responsibility.
Comments
I was going to say why don’t you all sit down and tell him the happy story together until I got to this part :They have berated me, and told me that I should be the one to tell it to him as the one who gave him up at the first place. Are they blaming you?? So they can be presented as saving him because you didn’t? Why is their narrative so negative? A child does not need to hear blame, shame and fault. What is their problem?
I used to be a Child Service Worker in the child welfare system, so I have experienced this situation on a professional level and was familiar with best practices at the time. They may have changed, however so I would research this. I agree with you that the information should come from them. They are his parents and his safe people. It might be good for everyone, especially your son, if you could be present at the time, or join them after (allow some time for your son to process the info with his parents). Being physically present is important and especially if he has questions that you need to respond to. I wish you all the best đź’›
Id get advice from r/adoption
Personally, I find their attitude very off putting, like they don’t want to be responsible for the potential fallout. I think since you’re around it should be everyone together.
I’ve never, ever heard of forcing the birth mom to be the one that does this (I used to be active in some adoption communities while I was looking for my bio dad).
They want what’s best for their/your son. It should’ve been upfront and honest from the start tbh. It’s best for the adoptive child to have an understanding of and connection with their birth families esp birth mom. Since it hasn’t been honesty from the start this is probably a conversation that should happen with a therapist you and the boy. You’re not obligated to do anything you’re uncomfortable with but it would be in the child’s best interest for you to be honest. Edit because the adoptive parents should also definitely be involved and there to support the child for the conversation.
Their son has probably been asking questions, and they’re too chicken to answer them so they’re passing the buck to you.
They are the child’s parents. They should be the ones handling this situation. Don’t let them bully you into doing the hard work for them.
You gave up your child because you weren’t equipped to deal with the situation. They shouldn’t have adopted him if they weren’t either.