My son’s mother (25F) hid a second family from me. Now I’m raising our son alone while she checks out emotionally. She still lives here and I don’t know how to protect my baby.

This is long, but I really need help — legal advice, parenting advice, emotional clarity, anything. I’ve done everything I can for my son (now 1 year, 10 months), and I’m running on fumes trying to protect him from a mother who disappears, avoids him, and seems to be spiraling mentally while also strangely seems entirely stable.

I (25M) met my ex online. Things moved fast — she moved in within a month due to an unstable home life, and I wanted to help. She had shared that she had survived intense abuse and had given up a baby at birth in the past. I believed her. She was vulnerable and open, and I wanted to be safe for her. Not long after she moved in, she found out she was pregnant. I stepped up immediately.

During the pregnancy and for a while after, things felt okay — not perfect, but manageable. Then after our son was born, she became emotionally distant. Our sex life vanished (which is totally valid, but it only reappeared when we entertained the thought of including someone else or letting her sell photos of herself). I took over nearly 100% of the parenting: feedings, changes, soothing him to sleep, everything. I worked at Wendy’s and juggled newborn life on almost no sleep (i slept 2 hours a day, 8-10 AM, she the. watched the baby while i was at work until 5 PM, i’d come home, take him, he’d sleep all night on my chest becayse i was scared of him getting hurt or something and i’d stay up all night until 8, we’d trade shifts and repeat the cycle), while begging for a more manageable routine. She brushed me off.

Then, things got worse: I found out three months after our son was born that she had another child with someone else — a child she never mentioned, and not the one she had said was given up at birth. Through an old Instagram, I saw photos of her, another man, and a child together. She has continued to lie or avoid this topic ever since. To this day, I still don’t know the full truth.

Even after all this, I forgave too much. I wanted her to heal. I knew her mental health had been badly affected by past trauma. I gave her endless patience, hoping she’d settle into being a parent and partner. But instead, things became more manipulative. She accused me of cheating because a coworker called me their “best friend” on the phone. That week, she suddenly got a job and had me become a stay-at-home dad (which I honestly tooootally embraced for our child’s sake). But she grew more avoidant, and more hostile when I expressed concerns. One time, she threatened to take our son to Ohio — then bruised herself in the bathroom and came out acting afraid of me. That moment shook me.

Eventually, even intimacy was only transactional. The only times she showed interest in sex (not even “sex”) were when I helped her take and sell explicit photos online. I felt used and unwanted. and ugly. I cut off my lifelong female friends to make her comfortable, stopped working, and lived without real connection. I started feeling deeply isolated — and when I reconnected with old friends, she broke up with me and encouraged me to “go sleep around.” (She was already on Tinder.)

Since then, she’s been checked out of parenting almost entirely. She lives in our home but barely talks to our son, never says goodbye to him when she leaves, and is often gone for hours or overnight with a guy she said she told yesterday she had cut off because she’s in no place for something like that. she’s out with him now, regardless of me telling a judge in front of her that her absence absolutely amounts to neglect. She says she’s “mentally drained” but has energy to get dressed up and go out. She’ll send one text per day: “how is he?”

When I try to talk to her about her parenting, she spirals — threatens suicide, self-harms in ways that feel more performative than sincere (e.g., leaving bloody toilet paper visible, in this same spiral, she admitted to abandoning a child 1 month after it was born (this is the other child she originally claimed she gave up on the hospital)), and tells me her “inner monologue is a ticket to the death penalty.” I asked her directly to get therapy — not just for her, but because our son needs a safe, stable parent, and this isn’t that.

We recently had an emergency custody hearing. I laid out everything: the detachment, instability, lack of parenting. She agreed to let me take temporary full custody. The court didn’t see it as an “emergency” and advised we go the normal route. Now she’s back to the same cycle: gone all the time, still seeing the guy (i’m assuming another empath), and still no change in how she treats her son – it’s like she doesn’t even see him.

I’m exhausted and scared.
I don’t want to fight dirty, I don’t want revenge.
I just want to protect my son from the chaos that’s already harmed both of us.

My questions are:
• What can I do to make sure custody becomes permanent?
• Is there a way to establish she’s emotionally unfit without it turning into a war or shipping her off to a hospital?
• What should I document now that will matter later?
• Is this enough to seek sole custody, or am I at risk if she changes her mind? she’s already agreed bluntly many times to give me full custody.

I love my son more than anything. But I feel like I’m the only one fighting for his well-being, and it’s crushing me. Please — any guidance, from parents, lawyers, or people who’ve been through this — I’m open. i’ll answer or elaborate any questions anyone has.