My stepdad, honestly don’t know how old he is but definitely in his 50s, has been touching me inappropriately ever since him and my mom got married and we all moved in together. It started when I was 13, and I’m 21 now and it’s never stopped. He would always tickle me around my boobs or grab onto my torso which his hands creep up to my boobs, grab or smack my butt, or grab or wiggle his way into my thighs where at multiple occasions his fingers would graze onto my vagina. It makes me feel so disgusted and confused because I wanna say he sees it as just playing around and goofing around or teasing which we always do, but can’t he notice he’s always touching my most intimate parts or touch me anywhere else? He also always tries to give me big hugs and kisses on my head, and everytime I would look visibly uncomfortable and try to free myself from his grab because I don’t like that affection at all. This happens everytime I make a joke with him, or I’m just within arms reach of him he will take any opportunity to do one of those gestures.
I feel like he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, because one time he smacked my butt in front of my ex, nobody noticed, but I feel like if it was something more deliberate and malicious he would make sure to not do things like that in front of people. This has been happening I wanna say at least everyday, I’m used to him doing these gestures and I’ve learned to just defend myself from them, for example I would put my hands behind my back to cover my butt, so if he would grab it he would just be grabbing my hands, or face my back to the wall and cross my arms so he wouldn’t touch my boobs or butt. I don’t say anything because I’m scared and just feel like I’ll ruin the family if I even make a comment, so I just try to defend myself or make myself look uncomfortable so it clicks for him.
When I was in high school, it got to a point where I was so uncomfortable and he was being over the top where he would do multiple gestures at once, like hug and kiss me and grab my ass all at the same time, where I was so scared once I turned 18 that something was going to happen to me, or he would take things even further. I shouldn’t even have to be thinking that ever. Luckily nothing more happened except for the gestures he’s continuing to do, and I’ve honestly accepted that’s what he does and learned to just not get too close to him or guard myself if he is close. This is such a complicated situation for me because despite all these things, I still love him and see him as a father figure. He’s taught me how to drive, helped me with college and looking for jobs, and taught me some good life lessons. He makes my mom and family so happy, and I’m finally experiencing a happy and loving family, it’s just have to put up with that.
This was something I always tried to not pay much attention to and wanted to take this issue to my grave, but I recently got into an argument with my mom where I blew up and made a comment how he always touches my ass. She didn’t really pay much mind to it, and it had me in such a mindfuck because this is something I vowed myself to never tell anyone, and I somewhat hinted at it. It put me through a spiral throughout the whole day where I acted out on my boyfriend and almost jeopardized our relationship. I ended up telling him everything about my stepdad and I feel like it opened a can of worms. I want him to still like and respect my stepdad and family, and I feel like I put him in such an awkward and uncomfortable situation that I don’t even know how to cope with myself. Now I have huge regrets with just saying anything at all, I’m willing to put up with the bad so everyone can have the good, that’s just how it’s been my whole life and that’s what I’m used to. Now I’m constantly thinking about the gestures and how that just continues to happen to me, and it’s taking me back to childhood trauma of similar instances, I feel like my body as a kid and now just was always made to be sexualized when I never did anything wrong, it makes me feel so sick.
Comments
You need to tell someone about what you are going through. It has it be someone you trust also. You are not in a happy and loving family if he is doing that to you. You can’t let him have power over you and he sure as hell cannot get away with it. I know you’re scared and you feel the insecurities, but it’s not because of who you are, it’s cause of what he did to you. You need to be brave. Don’t become a victim, become a survivor.
Tell your mom, sit her down and tell her.
he know what he is doing , he is not joking at all , he know you won’t say anything and he take advantage of that , u should maybe try to talk about this to your mom, just know it’s not your fault , stay safe
Sick fuck knows exactly what he’s doing.
Show him this post.
Now is the time to tell your mom so she can divorce the creep and maybe you can press charges.
This was my childhood to, I had to start changing in my closet so he wouldn’t be able to watch. I did tell my egg donor and she said she wouldn’t ruin her family for me. I am no contact with both of them. The best thing you can do is to get therapy for yourself.
Tell. Your. Mom…
You should get the police involved.
Just say the name and address and I bet you the closest person reading this will give him a surprise
Yes!! He knows exactly what he’s doing. My dad was quilty of the same. I blamed myself bc it wasn’t full on SA or I thought. Any unwanted touch is considered assault. I would cringe so bad when he was around and I couldn’t figure out why. It was this. He’s dead now and I’m glad. Please find away to get away asap and find support, your mom hopefully. My step mother knew, I finally figured out why she hated me so much and it’s this. Only she thought I liked it I can only assume . So gross. Good luck to you
You really need to tell someone, he knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s SA. I understand that you don’t want to jeopardise the family but it isn’t you who has done that. It is him with what he has done to you. Please, please speak out and tell someone. Don’t bottle it up, it’s not right what he is doing to you. Stay strong and please tell someone
Predators tend to do things that can be brushed off in front of other people to get a thrill. He knows what he’s doing. Start making a paper trail eg: talk to a psychologist, hotlines, record any interactions with him if it’s safe to do so. Talk to your mum, your safety takes priority over keeping the facade that everyone is happy. I pray that she takes you seriously. And if not, then put yourself first and not have any interactions with either. You deserve better than this
Everyone saying “tell your mom” is missing the fact she’s been witness to this for a decade and done nothing. Mom knows. Mom doesn’t care! Mom isn’t going to risk her husband for her daughter. If she didn’t stop it at 13 she’s definitely not stopping it at 21. Sadly a lot of moms are complicit if only by not doing anything. This is definitely one of those situations.
OP needs to get out of the house, out of the situation, and go straight no contact. She needs to tell others about what’s been happening and file a police report. Going to Mom isn’t the answer it should be unfortunately.
He knew exactly what he was doing. The whole time. You shouldn’t have had to feel this way. And it’s good that you are starting to stand up for yourself.
This is awful. You need to out him, report him, and stay away from him. The more entitled and emboldened he gets, his behavior is only going to escalate until he possibly does the unthinkable. You’re in danger. Get out now.
Im sorry you are going through this. I would say tell your mom but she seems complicit. You’re 21 now and need to take steps towards independence. Try to get your own place somehow. Even with his help. But eventually he needs to be confronted so it can stop. I know it would hurt the family dynamic which you said is important to you, but nothing is more important than your well being. Good luck and stay safe.
Castrate him
If you don’t like it and he does it anyway, that’s a violation. And your gut is telling you WARNING! Listen to it! That instinct is there for a reason! I hope you get away from him soon, turn him in, and tell everyone you can what he’s done.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. I know people are suggesting you tell your mom, but it seems like you did and she didn’t acknowledge it. This coupled with the fact that this behavior has been ongoing for nearly a decade in front of her and other families means being even more explicit could yield negative consequences for you and your mental health.
I know you mentioned feeling bad for influencing how your boyfriend sees your stepdad and family, but I think you need to take a step back and really understand why he’s responding that way. If he told you something like this about a family member, I think you’d understand that he didn’t change your view of them; learning of their behavior would be the thing that changed your view of them.
You deserve to feel safe in your body. You deserve to not be touched when you don’t want to be. You deserve a parental figure who doesn’t sexualize you. Please be kind to yourself and don’t blame yourself for anyone harming you. Whatever comes of this isn’t your fault; it’s your stepdad’s doing. He’s a grown man who is in a trusted position in your life and he has manipulated your vulnerability and naivety.
If you had a child, would you let that child be alone with him? If the answer is no, you might need to pursue going low or no contact with him and possibly your mother because she’s failing you and she will fail your children, too. That sort of comment is not one any mother should ignore. If I’d ever said anything like that to my mother about her partner, she would’ve forgotten what we were arguing about and zoned in on that. Your boyfriend’s reaction is justified and I’m glad you have someone who loves you enough to be upset for you.
This is sexual assault. You deserve better, and it’s not your fault.
If you’re able, see a therapist or counselor, one who specializes in sexual abuse and domestic violence. If you’re in college your college should offer free counseling; otherwise call your primary care provider and ask for a referral to a counselor. Or call the local social services agency.