I’m really at my wits end. I’ve gotten to the point that if her number pops up on my caller id Im instantly on guard.
This last year has been a mental health Rollercoaster for my 14 year old daughter and now me. She missed so much school that we were being referred to truancy. She said the kids at school were talking about her and she had no friends. So I ask how many kids and what were they saying? Her answer was , I dont know. Okay maybe she doesn’t want me to know because she knows I can mama bear. She is pretty regularly invited to stuff with the very kids she claims aren’t friends with her and has a good time. After having to leave work to force her to school because of truancy, she and I decided homeschooling while focusing on mental health was the best answer.
In between that and the start of school , I’ve had to call crisis counselor to asses if she was a threat to herself (she finessed them and the crashed out 20 minutes after they left), had multiple arguments with her. All she ever says is that she doesn’t like talking to me and I love her siblings more. She says an ex boyfriend I had like 5 years ago (was in household for about 8 months) was screaming at her and hitting her. The story keeps changing. The first time she told me she said he yelled at her a couple times. I asked her did he do anything else to you, hit you, touch you anything? She said no. I asked are you sure because this isnt your fault and i need to know. She again said no. I haven’t told her I dont believe her because that would be horrible for her. The story just doesn’t add up. He wasn’t there alone with her my mom and her sibs were there. We lived in a 3 bedroom trailer at the time. I asked her brother if he was ever hit or yelled at or did he see anything happen to his sister. He said no, ex never even came out the bedroom really. Now anytime something comes up or doesn’t go her way this is her go to. Her life sucks and she was horribly abused. I’ve apologized to her for bringing someone like that in their lives and told her none of that stuff was her fault and she didn’t deserve it, repeatedly. She has seen 3 counselors and has refused to be active or utilize the therapy. Then its my fault that it didn’t work. Today she told me I’ve never helped her with her school work and she has had to learn it all on her own. I told her that is absolutely untrue and it turned to well that’s how I feel. My go to when I’m getting angry is to say I’m not doing this right now I need to calm down because I’m getting pissed off. She will follow me whining, crying or just saying ignorant stuff until explode which I’m not proud of. Then after all of it she tries to joke with me. It’s like Jekyl and Hyde. I cant do it anymore. This is affecting me mentally, physically and financially. The younger kids tip toe around her. Even the dogs avoid her because they never know if she is going to pet them or scream at them. Seriously any help or advice I will listen to.
My teen daughter’s mental health is killing my mental health and I dont know what to do.
r/Advice
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Focus on yourself for now. If you can get her into an after school program like UAY, it will give you much needed time to yourself. Take her spot with the therapist since she doesn’t care about it.
doesn’t sound like the most stable family situation
My advice is to really push therapy, also when she starts her behavior try to capture it if you have cameras hanging in the house u can show a therapist how her behavior changes and how much she lies . And don’t be afraid to ask for help besides that this is a really tough situation. She could be acting like this for attention but she could’ve also been through something traumatic that makes her act out. I wish you luck you’re doing a great job already ❤️
meet with the therapist just one on one (you and her) to discuss strategies. if she’s not getting anything out of therapy, made the therapist isn’t the right fit and you should seek another therapist.
focus on doing things together that she enjoys. she probably really missing a bond with you and is craving that love (hence following you around when she’s upset.) she probably feels “abandoned”.
having a broken home also could result in these types of feelings and behavior. maybe she feels that she was forgotten and things were changing 24/7. a boyfriend of 8 months isn’t that long of a time for him to move in and live with kids.
consider transferring her to a new school.
consider medication or a professional diagnosis.
Send her to boarding school
Maybe calmly speak with your daughter, and offer to let her to interview or choose a therapist of her choosing, it will help build trust. Reassure her that the therapist will keep some information private. There’s also online therapy for teens who prefer it.
Also, attend therapy yourself to learn strategies for connecting with your daughter and addressing the root of the problem.
Ugh 14 was the worse year of my growing up & I raised 2 daughters through the 14 th year & have since experienced grandkids through their year of 14. My kids pediatrician told me once that when he went to wake his newly turned 14 yr old for school he swore that their had been a “body snatcher” came overnight. He said he didn’t recognize his child for nearly 15 mths after. He called it the “funk of 14” I remember it like yesterday for myself & im 61f 🤷🏼♀️ everything feels intense , overwhelming & anxiety inducing. Of course the mom is to blame for this shift in her security, because who else can she blame that won’t quit on her, give up on her , wash their hands of her just when she NEEDS YOU THE MOST ?! Mom, it is wise to push the therapy, participate along with her to the point that she begs for a few minutes of privacy with her therapist & pull up your bootstraps & reclaim your authority without hostility & demands. Insist on the buddy system, you & kid tackle things together. Call her on her bs, if you make her your total bs you will be able to call bs on her bs . To the point she’ll stop trying to bs . Compromise when able, walk away when you need a minute , just don’t wash your hands of her. Just when you think you’re gonna crash & burn , ask for more & more therapy time for yourself . Your kid needs you. Period! She is far from a “finished version “ of herself, she’s on the cusp of something bigger, more intense , more more more… Stop saying you can’t. You can say that to yourself & you can say it in therapy yet book not to her. She’s pushing & pushing & you are gonna stand firm . If you think for 1 minute your kid “got this way” all by herself, you’re sadly mistaken. She is under your care til a legal adult which feels like a lifetime away , yet it’s not. Get yourself into therapy! Never ask more of your children than you are willing to do. No one ever said it was gonna be easy. Children need parenting long after they think that they don’t. Good luck ✌🏼
Are you still sleeping in her bed with her because your snoring disturbs your wife?
#1 advice is take care of yourself first and foremost!! You will not have the energy or ability to care for your daughter’s drama if you aren’t fresh and able. So maybe YOU go to the therapist, and also make sure you are having quiet time in the evening (maybe you and the kids can just sit and read together?) and try to keep the household as peaceful as possible. 14 won’t last much longer and with your attention and mama bear qualities, you will get past it.
I understand being baffled by this ‘stranger’ in your midst who is crying out for help. Don’t give up but also do not allow her to drain the household of positivity. Get parenting help via the therapist’s advice and stay strong!
It might be time for a partial inpatient counseling. I did that the summer between my junior and senior year of high school, and it was actually pretty good. My parents made me do it, but I wasn’t super opposed, and it wasn’t bad and actually really helped. I went in at 8 or 9am, finished around 3 every day. I saw a psychiatrist daily, and he helped adjust my meds, I had personal therapy and we all (me and the other kids) had group therapy, field trips, other kids my age having a hard time too, help with ‘schoolwork’ from the people that worked there (although it was summer so mostly we painted or whatever)- it was good. Everyone was nice and focused on helping me, and they didn’t make me feel screwed up, and it made me want to get better, and I made some big strides.
Something is not working with the dynamic between you and her- that much is very clear. She doesn’t listen to you or doesn’t trust you, or something, it’s hard to know which. I would recommend finding an partial inpatient psychiatric program for teens near you so she can really delve in, and hopefully find someone there she can talk to.
Also, you mentioned counselors, and I assume you mean therapists? What did they say- do they believe she has a condition and needs a psychiatrist? I would also see a psychiatrist to see if there is a mental health disorder going on, seek family therapy for you and her, and she needs to be seeing a therapist whether she listens to them or not. You can try a few until you find one she trusts.
Gosh, this is a tough age. This is also the age when mental illnesses often start to manifest, so that’s another layer. Does she even want therapy? Maybe allow her to be more involved with the choosing process. It’s normal to need time to find the right fit, but if she’s been through 3, there may be something about your selection process that needs to change. I know insurance and location and pay are factors, but don’t choose a therapist just because they’re available. Get more involved with the therapy process—meet with her therapist individually so that there’s more congruency and transparency, so that it’s not just her going back there for an hour while you wait in the lobby and then you both just go home. Try family therapy, at least for the two of you. And set some ground rules. Do not allow her to control your household like this. It’s okay to be struggling or need help, but you need to make it clear that she is not to make everyone else miserable or hold the household hostage based on how she’s feeling on any given day. Set standards and then follow through with consequences based not on the state of her mental health, but rather how she chooses to express that to others—I.e. no yelling at everyone just because you’re having a bad day, no snapping at you or her siblings and being manipulative to get out of being held accountable for that, etc.
Hey, first of all you are a great mom hope you know that because you’ve been listening to her and seeking professional help and even homeschooling that’s really admirable.
Now I’m not a parent but I have done psychology and one thing my lecturer told us that sort of stuck was accountability when it comes to emotions.
First get down to the root of bullying and the ex cause if your teen is getting bullied even if she doesnt want to talk about it she is still a minor and you make the decisions as the parent so her saying she doesn’t want to talk about it unfortunately is not her decision to make we live in the age where kids even attempt to take their lives cause of this. contact the school and talk to her about how you are going about it through the proper channels. Set a meeting up with an external authoritative figure eg a principal- sit down all three tell her how bullying is not a simple thing and that she needs to give as much details and she will refuse, but again you cannot accept that. If does open up and maybe doesn’t want to comfront the bullies, commend her on that. The important thing is she realizes you make those choices, not her.
The ex thing as well depending on your country assault can be prosecuted. Sit her down tell her you want to talk with police/lawyers to prosecute however you dont have the full details and you need more clear information cause what she has been saying is vague(not adding up) And to be clear you’re not lying to her when you take this steps you are opening her mind to the world of law and processes and most important of all-consequences. Whether she is lying or someone hurt her, consequences.
You said that you apologised to your daughter on what you think you did wrong. Has she apologised? And I realize that this can lead to finger pointing cause from what you have said she’ll turn it against, please realize that you are parenting her she. At 14 she is aware of her actions its just that most adults never want to deal with it cause its difficult. If she shouts tell her that you know she knows what is doing and punish her. Afterwards she is most welcome to share her emotions but not at the cost of yours. Emotions dont exist in a vacuum, it’s affecting you, your children and even the dog.
And lastly is to avoid reacting to her outbursts , take control of whats best for you and the household. If she shouts be stern and direct that behaviour is not acceptable maybe send her to her room and when she calms down you will always be there to listen. Never argue with her. Tell her. The time for conversation will come but this is the time of correcting behaviour. Talk and converse after you have followed through with the punishment. Never during. Ever. You can also guide her on emotional regulation techniques not to repress her emotions but to subdize the anger and get to a place where she can communicate without hurling hurts.
This is crucial but if she is erratic DO NOT NEGOTIATE. What she needs now is authority and not you being like a dictator but in your own personality whether soft charismatic is to set up boundaries and never cave or threaten. Especially threaten dont tell her ‘if you keep shouting at me i will do this’ Just say sth like ‘remember what we said about shouting and disrespecting the boundaries, now I am taking your phone privileges because of it.’ It will be hard but you got to stick at it. Even for your other kids or you’ll end up being overly stern with the other siblings because you were too ‘scared’ to raise the first. Trust me they’ll hate you for it.
This sounds like she might have bpd or something similar. What you need to do right now is to push therapy. Even if she doesnt want to go you need to take her
There are some problems going on here it’s tough to figure out the real story
Does your daughter change her moods a lot, from one mood to the other mood? I understand that teenagers are moody, but I’m talking about more. Extreme moods, switching moods back and forth, and so on?
Your daughter said that these kids weren’t friends with her but they invite her along to things. Could it be that they really aren’t very good friends with her, she doesn’t understand them, and she hasn’t found her crowd? She has been hanging around the same old people for years and years because she is lonely and she doesn’t have anyone that she considers a good friend for who she is? It could also be that they aren’t good friends, that someone talks a lot and they never give her a word and they only care about themselves and she keeps hanging around because that’s all that she’s got. So I think there could be more to this story that’s going on and I think it’s worth talking to her and asking her questions and figuring it out.
The primary problem with your daughter being in school was that she was ditching school and not going because she was lonely and had no friends. ( did you say that she could stay home or did she just stay home without your permission?) If she did not stay at home, but she has this many truencies, where has she been going?
So it sounds like you took her out of school completely. But that did not solve the problem of her not having any friends. And it sounds to me like she is telling you that she is struggling with her school work and there is no one to help her. Whatever you are doing to try to help her with her school work is not helping.
My thought process here is that it would be better for her to be back in school but she needs to not be allowed to not go to school because she is upset. She still needs to go to school unless she is sick. It sounds like the support that you are trying to provide her with their school work is not enough so she needs to get back in school so that she can get that support. Taking her out of school is only going to make her even more lonely. It makes the original problem even worse.
The problem that kicked all of this off was that she is lonely. So perhaps you can sign her up for some group activities where she can be around other kids her age. Are there any programs at the ymca? How about sports? Can you put her in karate?
I am seeing a pattern here of her trying to tell you what her problems are, but then giving up because she doesn’t trust that you will help her with them. She is angry because she feels like the other kids are getting more attention, and I think that from her shoes this is actually true because you don’t know what to do with her, you don’t know how to relate to her, and she doesn’t trust you to give you enough information that you can finally understand what she’s trying to tell you.
I had a thought, what if every week, you and only her go and do something. It doesn’t have to be very complicated. But it is private time with just you and her to try to get things back on track. She can talk to you, she cannot talk to you, the important thing is that both of you are together alone without any of the other kids. I think that she will start to open up and trust you more and start talking to you, but I think that there will be a lot of initial reservations as she has a lot of mistrust. So perhaps both of you can go get an ice cream, go and feed the ducks, take a walk, whatever. It needs to be something where talking can happen easily and something that she does not hate.
I do think that you’re on a very good path here of trying to put all of the pieces together, get a straight story, and understand what is going on. That is a very good path and I think you should continue to do that.
Homeschooling is tough under the best of circumstances and now she is isolated from her peers. You seemed too overwhelmed to handle this. Put her back in school. If she gets into trouble, she must deal with the consequences. She may be put into a special education class with kids with behavioral issues. It’s not ideal, but if she may catch up academically. The goal should be to get her out of it eventually when she shows enough self-control and initiative.
You are the parent. Some things for her well being are not a choice. She has to go the therapy appointments. She needs to be evaluated. Does she require meds? Let her know how much you love her, but you are not her best friend. You have to make tough decisions for her and for the family.
Make weekends about getting out and getting some fresh air. Rewards for good behavior can be things she wants within reason, and mother daughter time.
Unfortunately, the best way to deal with this is to reinforce that missing school is unacceptable.
Not getting good grades is better than getting referred to Truancy. Getting a bad mark on a test is still better than getting 0. She needs to go to therapy if she isn’t going to school. Education is important, and she can get held back for Truancy. You need to put your foot down and have her separate home life, school life, work life, and social life.
Wishing you the best of luck, and I feel for you. <3
She is correct in that it is up to her learn her schoolwork because no one can learn for her.
There is little you can do but listen too her. You can describe her choices but can’t pick the ones she takes.
Book a weekend get away, just you two. Get her out in nature, away from all electronics.
She needs grounding. Once grounded her neurological system will reset. Bare feet in the grass type shit.
Talk. Set some boundaries. Her hormones are all over the place right now. You’re here to help, to get her through it.
Where can we go from here…
Starting now , let’s….
Moving forward, we can try…
Some people don’t respond to therapy alone because they need medication. Take her to a psychiatrist instead of a therapist.
Sounds like a victim complex. I suspect sometime in her life, acting as a victim was a way to be rewarded with positive attention, in a reality, where positive types of attention was rarely given or where negative types of attention was the norm. As a result being in a victim state is now her state of comfort. This means, should she feel smart, loved and whatnot, that will feel unpleasant to her, unconsciously. The only way to heal this is using psychology or a pill to suppress this victim voice in her psyche (I do not recommend the latter). But I will have to admit dealing with such a complex is extremely difficult. The first step is to make her conscious about its existence by collecting facts (see you were powerfull here even though you thought you were a victim). Then you need to talk with her about what she achieves by being in the victim role, and if that is what she wants. These are the first two steps
You changing and let her control the situation to start homeschooling. I don’t agree., you should’ve kept her in school. I think you’re creating a lifetime worth of problems with your daughter maybe not for you but for society and her self. She’s never gonna be able to hold down a job with the attitude you letting her have you should’ve made her tough it out and stay in school. As soon as there is abuse allegations against your ex, he shouldn’t have been there anyway. Sounds messed up.
Don’t let the world crash down around her. Get outside help from friends, family, social services, the school, therapy, doctors. Go together, go alone, get her her own people to talk to. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right person. She is so young this time is important in her development, but it won’t last forever. Do you have family around? Any way to ger her a change of scenery?
You admit that you can become “mama bear” (which is the telltale confession that you exhibit huge overreactions to things, robbing your maturing daughter of the level headed parental guidance on how to use her own voice and stand up for her own self) and that you explode when you’re at your wits end.
Yet you claim you don’t understand why your daughter is basically acting just like you?!?
You might think you have your rage a bit more under control at your big age, which you clearly do not. But your daughter is on a hormonal rollercoaster and just hasn’t been taught to control her anger, she’s been taught to use it as a weapon against everyone around her. She’s acting exactly how you’ve taught her to handle hard things, by example. You need therapy as much as your daughter does.
I’m not sure what the situation is but it sounds as if you need therapy as much as your daughter does. If you are not in therapy but you push your daughter to see a therapist it comes off as hypocritical and also may be making your daughter feel as if you think she is the source of all your problems. Also, she probably realizes you DO view her as a source of stress and as a problem to be fixed.
I went into therapy when I was very young, my mother acted as if I was the problem and I needed to be “fixed”. That soured my relationship with my mother and made me resistant to therapy for a very long time.
If you go to therapy, learn to have better control over your thoughts, emotions and behaviors that will help you show your daughter that you take mental health seriously and are willing to work on yourself to make your relationship with her better.
You said counselor and therapist, they are two different things. Is your daughter in counseling or therapy? Counseling is intended for focus on one specific problem and intended to be short term. Therapy is for long term treatment, a wider range of issues, complex issues. Therapy focuses on building long term trust and a therapeutic relationship which is deeper than in counseling. Therapy would be best in this situation.
In therapy there is a concept called “theory of stages of change” also called “transtheoretical model” I would recommend reading about it. When a person goes into therapy they often resist the idea that there is a problem, so if they do not believe they have a problem of course they are not willing to fix a problem which does not exist! This model applies to any attempts to change behavior patterns.
Transtheoretical model – Wikipedia https://share.google/af2b7N1PUOCP4Q9cu
Precontemplation (“not ready”) – “People are not intending to take action in the foreseeable future, and can be unaware that their behaviour is problematic”
Contemplation (“getting ready”) – “People are beginning to recognize that their behaviour is problematic, and start to look at the pros and cons of their continued actions”
Preparation (“ready”) – “People are intending to take action in the immediate future, and may begin taking small steps toward behaviour change”[nb 1]
Action – “People have made specific overt modifications in modifying their problem behaviour or in acquiring new healthy behaviours”
Maintenance – “People have been able to sustain action for at least six months and are working to prevent relapse”
Termination – “Individuals have zero temptation and they are sure they will not return to their old unhealthy habit as a way of coping”[nb 2]
It is also important to let your daughter have input into choosing a therapist. Someone who your daughter can relate to or trust, perhaps someone who is in their mind to late 30’s will have a better understanding of your daughters social experiences. Someone who grew up with computers and social media may be able to gain her trust more easily.
If your daughter is claiming she was abused perhaps the abuse occured but it was not your ex bf, especially if your daughter thinks you would not believe it was the person who did it. There is also the possibility that your daughter has developed a personality disorder from childhood trauma. Trauma can occur from a split family leading a child to feel neglected and many other ways.
UpdateMe
I think it’s time you took her to your primary care physician. She sounds like she might have some neurological issue.
I feel your pain. I was my mother’s nightmare at 14. And i do not know how i survived my daughter at 14. No advice just virtual hug
She needs a mental evaluation. You need to know exactly what’s going on with her and how best to respond to her, so you need therapy, too, and possibly the two of you together.
First off, use paragraphs in the future.
Secondly, sounds like you are trying to be her friend instead of her parent.
Have you had her seen by a psychiatrist? Some of he outbursts remind me of my sister’s lowest points, and she has now, 20 years later, been diagnosed with rejection sensitive ADHD and bipolar disorder.
I went through hell with my daughter at 14 so I can relate. There are some things that helped me.
Just like when she was a child, she will go through phases of growth. It sounds like a cliche, but it will pass (to an extent)
kids are insane at 14. Their brains are still developing and their logic center is not developed. They tend to be reactive and emotional yet they lack the logic to understand their own emotions.
you are her mother, so she is going to unload on you as you are the closest and the safest for her.
My advice is to think of her like a toddler. When kids are toddlers they say mean things and (as parents) we learn to not take it personally because they are children. I would try and adopt this mentality again. Try not to take her hateful and mean comments to heart. Listen to her, but don’t throw fuel on the fire by reacting emotionally to her words. This gives her what she wants.
Be consistent. Don’t give in if she throws a fit about emptying the dishwasher (or whatever). Say something like “It sounds like you’re upset that you have to ___, but I still need you to do it”. Validate her feelings impersonally and try and move on.
Stay strong and know that she will develop and grow out of this terrible phase. Don’t let her control you.
Couldn’t help but notice there wasn’t anything said about her dad. Where is he? Growing up without a father can fill kids with intense sadness and rage. Has she been assessed for depression?
You could look into DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) for her. In this type of therapy, you will be inherently involved. If it isn’t an option, you can also try family therapy for just you and her. It may be a good way for you to give her some one-on-one time and give you both the skills to navigate this dynamic. Also more likely to be covered by insurance.
Have YOU been to therapy? It sounds like you badly need it. First to deal with your own mental health, but also and more importantly to work through anything that could be triggering your kid. Children and teens are very often reflecting their environment and you may be acting in ways that are harmful that would never have occurred to you. If you’re getting so mad that you have to leave the room it sounds like you have some work to do.
So much of my family and social life was like this that my blood pressure spikes every time I get a text or call, according to my galaxy watch. Ive not taken my phone off of Do Not Disturb for more than a cumulative 24 hours in the last few years.
Wish I knew any helpful advice.
She sounds like she has severe and undiagnosed ADHD or ADD. Get a diagnosis and get her on some meds.
It could be that she has depressive disorders too, but antidepressants are not as powerfully effective as amphetamines for ADHD/ADD so try to get that diagnosis va depression. She’ll go further faster with meds for attention deficits than she will with far more mild antidepressants.
Is your daughter on medication to balance her moods? If not, you need to explore this with a psychiatrist. It can change her life and help her really start enjoying life again.
Now I remember why it is not convenient to have a family…
In patient treatment. You’ve tried everything an unqualified person can. It’s time to bring in the pro’s and let them sort her out.
Send her to a mental hospital if possible. I have a cousin that no matter what we did to try and help, nothing worked. Until one of my older cousins dropped him off at a mental hospital, nothing helped. After he was done with the program he’s been doing very well. So I’d say give this a try.
Stop trying to fix everything for her. Ask her what her plans are for the day, be positive when she follows through on them. Dont pay attention when she doesn’t follow though. Ask what she wants for mental help. Ask her what she thinks would help. Just ask her. Sounds more like she just wants to be heard and understood and not fixed or changed.
Don’t emotionally attach yourself to her accusing you. This very very well could just be a phase. She is 14. Going through a lot of hormonal changes. Aoid becoming co-dependent to her feelings.
The only thing is, I mean this kindly and from a place of empathy with both mom & daughter, it sounds like the kid does not have the trust in her mother to have this conversation with you. I think the daughter has some pretty alarming signs of cPTSD, and, well, the ‘c’ doesn’t stand for complex for a reason.
OP, I’m wondering if there’s a safe adult in her life, like a grandparent, who could take custody for the duration of the school year. Just try it out maybe. Talk to her therapist about it.
I’m not saying you’re a bad mom, but I think she might be struggling with a lot of negative associations of your household, and she might need a safe, structured change of scenery so she can begin to heal. When I was 14, I had a few friends who were girls reminiscent of your depiction of your daughter. We were friends online, played games together and followed each other on Tumblr, and they’d use their blogs as diaries for family trauma. 14 can really be the age where you’re on the thinnest knife’s edge.
I don’t know if you have the luxury of time to work on your relationship with her and regain her trust to confide in you. You said you’ve called crisis lines before. She’s homeschooled, isolated and miserable. This situation is liable to escalate. Escalation in these circumstances look like SH and attempts. It sounds like she’s hurting so bad.
Personally, I look back on the time of my complex trauma, and the only period I look on positively were the months when I was living with Grandma. Please, if there’s a safe relative in her life, just look into the idea.
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I’ve been where you are. My son was abused during visitation, and we only found out by chance. The years that followed were brutal, two in-patient stays, endless therapy, and constant crisis. What saved us was finding the right professionals. Be honest, make a plan, and stick to it. If one doesn’t fit, replace them.
Don’t expect to come out unscathed. Loving your child through this means jumping into the murky waters with them. My son now struggles with MDD, psychosis, and suicidal ideation; I developed MDD and GAD myself. That’s why your care is just as vital as hers—you can’t help her if you break.
It’s been 3 years, and while my son still carries scars, we’ve finally found stability and even joy again. It feels impossible now, but if you trust the process and the professionals, it will get lighter.
If you need another parent through the ugliest part, you can DM me even just for a sound board. I’ve been through this dark.
Your belief that because her story keeps changing that she has to be lying is terrifying. I’ve been through a lot of trauma. There was one job interview where I literally could not remember my work history that day. Another time, years later I could remember the exact cell line a customer used in their process. Trauma literally changes the brain. Not proverbially. It is easy to see on brain scans.
Trauma does all sorts of weird things to memory. As it comes up and as different pathways are more “active” different memories are accessible. Some weeks I can speak Spanish fantastically. Some days I can hardly remember anything. It can feel like your brain is mush. For me at least, I’m vaguely aware that a memory is there but I can’t access it. I will have conversations with people and an hour later I will know that we talked but I’ll be unable to remember what we talked about. During the conversation, I could have repeated the previous few sentences word for word. Trauma also looks to make sense of what happened and to be able to tell a coherent story. It is possible someone else abused her. If your boyfriend lived with you, your assumption that you would have known because she “wasn’t alone” is even more terrifying. Go wander through the CPTSD and CSA subreddits. You’ll find predators often find ways to abuse their victims while others are in the home. It is absolutely possible.
I would suggest you read The Body Keeps Score. I also hope you are able to read some stories from survivors to help give you a healthy dose of reality about how easily abuse can happen in your presence without you knowing about it. You don’t seem to understand the reality of what you’re dealing with. Maybe it’s not trauma and abuse. I can’t tell from this. It could be a psychosis that doesn’t originate from trauma. It could be a really unfortunate personality disorder. For everyone’s sake, I hope it’s trauma. That’s easier to recover from.
If her therapist isn’t helping, find a new therapist. Let her help pick them. (Ideally set the Psychology Today therapist search tool up with your insurance information and then walk out of the room after explaining that you’re happy to help her in any way but you want to give her space to explore this on her own as much or as little as she’d like.)
Your intentions are great. You care. You’re showing up. This is hard. No one gives you a playbook for how to deal with things like this until you’re in the middle of it.
Others have suggested meds. The data is somewhat concerning regarding psychotropics and kids. They’re often used to make kids easier to deal with and in the process prevent essential brain and skill development. There are absolutely cases where meds for kids are a good idea or the only viable option. Just be careful with going down that path. As an adult, you have the autonomy to find a new prescriber. She doesn’t as a kid. It’s worth considering just make sure you put her wellbeing first.
I’d suggest discussing your fears that she might be lying with her therapist. She might be. She might not. You should be talking about that with them though.
Others have suggested therapy for you and family therapy. Both seem like a good idea.
Regarding crisis counselors, getting placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold is many folks worst nightmare. Please work with her and her therapist to do safety planning so it doesn’t come to this again if at all possible. She can’t trust you when doing so might mean she gets locked up. For someone who has experienced the kind of trauma and abuse she possibly has, loosing bodily autonomy is about the scariest thing that can happen. One of my screening questions when assessing therapists was asking what their involuntary hold process and stance was because I knew I needed to know they weren’t trigger happy about that if it was going to be helpful.
Wow… this actually sounds a lot like what my wife and I are going through with our 18 yo daughter. She has been making up stories about me specifically which are physically not possible for me to accomplish. I wont go into detail but it got so bad cps showed up. Opened a case on us. We had to go to court a few times. Her therapist suspects she suffers from borderline personality disorder. My daughter has jumped between many inpatient programs but is home now. It got really messy and is still a huge issue as well. Best thing you can do is therapy. Sounds like she has severe anxiety issues along with some other mental issues. But you also need to take care of yourself. I hate to say it but the 3 months my daughter was gone was a relief to all of us including my daughter. The stress is was causing my wife was astronomical and her being in the house was causing it. Things are a bit better now but it’s a long journey to getting better.
Send her to school, stop coddling her, stop letting her control your household and you with her behavior. You need to disconnect a little bit. I think sending her to a therapist is a good idea, but I also think that you need to get some support and figure out how to parent her.
Kids can occasionally be assholes, from the ages of 11 until 25 and your job is to keep them alive until they’re 25. There are parenting classes out there on how to parent a teen and pre teen. And it’s OK to verbally say to your kid “you need to back off of me and go to your room or go find something to do before I lose my shit, now go away. I love you stop whining, and we will talk later” That doesn’t mean you love them any less it means that you’re being a responsible adult saying I need my space you’re driving me Fucking crazy, without saying that directly to them. You’re also not insulting them if you just tell them what you need from them for behavior, which is you need her to back off so you can collect yourself.
I learned that kids who are in their teenage years will ask you why a bazillion times because they’re trying to learn your moral compass to see if they can incorporate it into their own moral compass as they become adult adults.
As far as her being bullied at school if she’s an asshole at school, her peer group is probably like fuck you you’re an asshole, She might need to experience it her peers being honest so maybe her peers could straighten her out.
The reason she’s trying to joke with you after she makes you mad though that’s really understandable. She’s trying to make sure you still love her even though she’s made you angry, Thats a kid thing. Just tell her on a regular basis you know sometimes I get angry with you. It doesn’t mean I love you any less. I will continue to love you. And say sometimes I’m sure you get angry with me. It doesn’t mean you love me any less it just means you’re feeling angry and it will pass.
She needs to see a psychiatrist, like last week. I would also look for a psychologist to do a neuropsych eval and then I would find 1- a family therapist 2- a DBT program for teens for her and 3- a therapist for you
cluster b. see a therapist for yourself first. then deal with this. your therapist should be able to help you navigate cluster b behaviors. your child cannot be well unless you are well. if they are not after that, then it should be addressed later. i have a friend with a daughter like this. she is cluster b.
This was kinda like me when I was younger, I was extremely depressed when I was 14 as well as dealing with grief. I took my anger out on my family, didn’t know how to straight up communicate how I felt or even know why I felt the way I did. Anything could annoy me. My attendance was extremely bad, after that I begged to be homeschooled which wasn’t really well known in my area at that time. I blamed a lot of stuff on my family because I was worried about whether my future is messed up if I even would make it past 16 and feeling like I was missing out on having “a normal teenagers girl life” is like. Me personally I also took my anger out on them because it was sometimes better blaming someone else but deep down knowing I was wrong. Suffering with mental health and being a teenager is rough. Therapy definitely helped me (even know I made it known I would never go because it’s “a waste of time”. It’s a slow process but it does get better. Also, look at medication if u agree with it with your doctor my parents were against it to begin with due to me being young but it does help calm that cloud which feels like it’s over you. Now I’m 22 just graduated college, I can’t apologise enough to my family the way I was and acted. Each journey is different. Sending you both so much love <3
She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. If this was a sudden onset of changes u can also look into getting her tested for brain inflammation. It’s called PANDAS
OP, I want to start by saying that I greatly sympathize with what you’re navigating, and I can say from personal experience that caring for someone with severe mental health challenges can be so, so draining.
I say this trying to provide a path forward, not to judge or accuse:
Even though it sounds like you’ve said all the right things, I can see how your daughter might feel alone or unheard.
When she says she has no friends, and that they’re talking badly about her, you ask “what did they say?” And she says “I don’t know.” Okay, well… what then?
What she’s telling you is “I feel like my friends are being two faced and it’s hurting me.” Maybe she didn’t hear what they said exactly, or it was something stupid, but either way it’s hurt/confusion that she doesn’t know how to navigate yet. This is kind of a universal girl experience, isn’t it?
You mention she feels like her siblings are preferred, and simultaneously mention that you’re on guard when she— a 14 year old— calls. Again, I do understand! I get it! But do you think she feels that guardedness?
You also mentioned she “finessed” the crisis assessment, implying she was deceitful. She’s probably terrified of what being anything less than “okay” means for her!
And then there’s the mention of the ex. It sounds like, in my opinion, you’ve got someone who’s hurting so much on the inside that the only thing they can do is find some real world justification that’s loud and obvious enough that they don’t feel guilty for asking for compassion and care. “Someone hit me,” is such a clear reason to be loved on and cared for that a 14 y/o understands. “I feel like I need to be seen and cared about more on an emotional level in a way I don’t know how to articulate. I don’t know why I feel alone even though I have friends. I feel bad and confused that I feel so alone because I have no “Real Reason” to feel this bad.” is a lot more difficult for a 14 y/o to parse.
Being 14 is a lot. Parenting a 14 year old is a lot.
I know a lot of people are saying therapy, but I think maybe just… relating to her a little might help? Letting her know that her experiences aren’t so isolated?
You know her best, OP!