My boyfriend 26M is going to Greece with his friends and invited me to come — he even paid for everything. We’ve been dating for a couple months, and this would be our first trip together.
But my parents are extremely strict, religious, and controlling. I’m F21 and still have a curfew. I’m not allowed to travel, move out, or spend too much time at my boyfriend’s house. We’re expected to be chaste and save ourselves for marriage
I told my mom I was going with “friends” and even offered to bring my sister. She still said no and made excuses about safety, not knowing my friends, and me traveling too much. When I asked my dad (who’s even stricter), he flat-out shut me down. He’d seriously kick me out if he knew I was going with my boyfriend or if I went behind his back.
I’m so frustrated. I feel like I’m being treated like a child and robbed of experiences. Should I go and risk getting kicked out, or stay and keep letting them control my life?
⚠️ I know the obvious answer is to just move out — and I could. But the consequences would be huge. My parents would likely cut me off completely. I wouldn’t be able to see my younger siblings, who I love deeply and who look up to me. My extended family, church community, and even friends would be disappointed and scandalized because they see me as the “good girl” who always obeys her parents. My dad also struggles with anger, and he can be a little violent — that’s part of why I’m scared to take that step. I’m just trying to think about the bigger picture. ⚠️
TL;DR: I’m 21 and my ultra-strict, religious parents won’t let me go on a trip to Greece with my boyfriend (even if I lie about who I’m going with). They still enforce a curfew and would kick me out if I disobey them. I feel trapped and don’t know if I should go or give in again.
Comments
Just go ? why do you need their permission ? Probably time to move out of their house if they are so controlling.
You need to move out, you won’t be seen or have the freedom of being an adult until you don’t live with them anymore. Unfortunately they have the ability to exert a lot of control over your life if you live rent free as an adult
Girl you’re 22 lol do what you want
as soon as I read the title
I knew it was going to be about sex. lol
if your parents are this bad. why aren’t you working to save Money to move out??
Alternative take – human trafficking?
I dont know you or your bf. Two months isnt a long time. Greece is far away. As a 40 year old chill dad, it gives me the chills.
It seems your parents are trying to tackle your entire social life. That begs the question, why haven’t you moved out yet? Sounds like it should be your number one priority.
At some point you need to decide you are an adult and ready to leave the nest.
See if some of your friends or your boyfriend will let you move in, then go on your trip. Your parent’s can’t kick you out if you don’t live with them.
Go anyway, let them kick you out, get your own place, they can go fuck themselves. Youre 22, not 15.
Do you have a job/any money saved? Could moving in with BF be an option (a smart one)?
You’re an adult. Move out and live your life.
The grown up mature thing to do would be to be honest with them, even though they will be upset with you. Tell them you want to go on this trip and if that means you’ll need to move out into your own place- that’s something you need to decide. it’s certainly a bit crazy they treat you like a child, but you do have free will to move out of their home, and they have the rights to expect certain things even if it seems crazy/ you’re living in their home and i’m assuming they support you. If you don’t want to follow their rules you need to be able to support yourself. It sucks but being a grown up sometimes involves making hard choices
Make a plan to move out on your own. If you want to be treated like an adult, you can’t depend on them financially. Don’t wait until they kick you out. Make a plan to move out, a budget, look for a place with female roommates.
I personally would not suggest going on a trip with someone you’ve only been dating a few months. Spend your time and energy setting up a way to gain independence from your parents. Do you have a job?
You need to move out. What’s your plan? Are you earning money?
>He’d seriously kick me out if he knew I was going with my boyfriend or if I went behind his back.
Isn’t this the most favorable outcome anyway?
OMG, you’re a 22 year old WOMAN why are you still living with your parents?!
That said, you’ve only been with your boyfriend a short time. I wouldn’t go anywhere out of the country with someone I don’t know very well.
Get a job, find some roommates and move out? Isn’t this obvious?
If you don’t already have all of your important documents like your birth certificate and social security card, and your parents are holding onto them for you, somehow get them asap and have someone you trust hold onto them for you. When you move out, which you should, your parents will very likely refuse to give those things to you as a means to continue to control you.
I also have very strict parents and when I was younger, they wouldn’t even allow me overnights with friends and classmates. Even having a boyfriend while still going to school was not allowed. They only just really let me go when I hit my mid and late 20s. I know that feeling that you want to be free and decide on your own, that you feel your parents are just being strict and do not make sense at all. But now that I’m 35, and had experienced lots of things in life, everything that I went through with my parents makes sense to me now. You’re still so young and still yet to fully realize what a crazy world we have. It’s still your decision by the end of the day, but trust me, your parents only want to protect you, and you might realize it later on in your life.
Go.
Eventually, the box they put you in will suffocate you. Better to break out when you are younger.
You need to move out
Especially if you want to maintain a long term relationship
Eventually most independent guys will lose patience – as they are waiting around for another adult to get permission from their parents.
And its not just about relationships, you will never progress at the same rate as other adults if you are overprotected
I think you may want to post this in r/exvangelical to get more relevant advice… or at least hear from people who’ve been in your position.
I’ve been in the same situation before. My parents would never let me travel or stay over with friends. When I had an office party that ran a bit late, they drove to the party and called my boss, I was the same age as you, it was embarrassing and overbearing. I stopped getting invited to anything because I had strict parents.
The only thing you can do right now, if you rely on them, is work towards being independent, especially financially. If you don’t have a job already, get one. Save enough money to put a deposit on a place, move into a place either alone or with roommates or your boyfriend, if you feel you’ve known him long enough.
Alternatively, only go on the trip with the worst case scenario in your mind, which is that they will kick you out. They might not, but if they do, do you have money to look after yourself until you get a job? Do you have another place to stay? etc. Only do so if you think you’ll be fine if they kick you out. If you don’t think so, then I would suggest just biding your time, wait until you move out and then limit contact with them.
My relationship with my parents is much better because I’ve shown I can be independent and they don’t know every single detail about my life, only what they need to know. It’s your life, many others don’t have to fight for the price of freedom, but unfortunately you do, no one else will do it for you.
I think the trip is a red herring for now. What your parents are doing is inappropriate and I’d even say abusive but that won’t stop until you are independent of them. I think your actual priority for now should be an escape plan to move out, then you can go on whatever trips you want and can afford.
Start moving your personal items to storage, get a job and save. At some point you have to be independent and money is the only way you can do that
So yea. That’s a tough call. You either cut off your parents and accept the consequences of not receiving their support, or accept their support and their conditions for it. Is a trip to Greece worth losing their support over? Can you support yourself without their support?
Ultimately they’re using it to control you, you know that. It’s up to you where you go from here. 99% of people here will tell you to move out, etc. If you can support yourself? You should. That is the ideal solution. If you can’t support yourself it may not be the pragmatic one.
Stop acting sheltered and move out. Take a step towards a better future for yourself
On the one hand, you shouldn’t stay in that house, work on moving out.
On the other hand, it might be a bad idea to go on an international trip with some guy you’ve known for two months, dating or no. It could be fine, but it’s still a risky proposition.
This is just one major problem with the controlling religious households; instead of teaching their children about red flags and staying safe, they just leave it at “do as I say because I say it.” Try to learn about some of these things for yourself (preferably without literally being trafficked, abandoned, or otherwise threatened in a foreign country) and also do your best to gain some independence from your parents.
I mean, there’s no magic solution we can tell you. It seems you know your options.
Go on the trip, knowing it will anger your parents and you might have to move out. Or don’t go, and stay and let them keep controlling you. It is a hard choice but it has to be made by you.
My personal opinion is that you should move out ASAP, but I know that’s easier said than done.
Try again when you’re 30. I’m going to get downvoted for this but.. Okay just to be serious for a minute. You’re 22 years old, living at home. How long have you known your boyfriend? A few months? Do you even have a passport?
I’d be really leery going on a trip with a guy I’ve only known for a few months, even if he was my boyfriend. Are there any other women going on this trip? Is it only all his guy friends? To me context means everything.
If you were my sister I’d be asking all of these questions. I don’t like the idea of you going to another country with a guy you’ve only known for a few months. This is about your safety not about controlling you. That’s how I’m looking at this.
If you do decide to go you already know the consequences of going, is it really worth it? IMHO by the age of 25 you need to move out and get your life going but i know that’s really hard to do in this economy. Is this boyfriend serious or just casual? Your safety always needs to come first.
My opinion might be a bit controversal: Don’t go to that vacation.
Ultra religious parents will see that vacation as “sex” and end of your virginity. Might even ask to marry early to save face or force to end your relationship. Or they might see your boyfriend as an enemy. It is not worth it.
Instead, make sure you are independent first. Do you work? Can you get by yourself?
Second of all, is your boyfriend familiar with your culture? If he is, he really shouldnt pressure you to go to this vacation, he will understand.
Take your time, build a career away from them and form a your new family where you have your full independence.
Your family’s power will weaken a lot once you are able to spread your wings.
The consequences of you disobeying your parents and going to greece will be the same as if you move out. It sounds like you disagree with them on this, so my experience is you will need to move in with your boyfriend and go no contact with your family. I presume they already do not approve of your boyfriend and now with this trip it confirms “his bad influence “ so honey you have already broken their trust. Lean into it and live your life.
Girl I was married at your age. You sound like you’re giving up amazing life experiences for your parents and no parent should ever ask that. Source – am a parent of teens not much younger than you and would NEVER.
Never give anyone the responsibility for your own life. – Mary Oliver
Losing access to your siblings is a huge loss, I am not diminishing the loss there. But when does this end? What if your parents want you to marry a man they pick out for you? What if they tell you to quit your job and stay home until you get married to the man they choose for you? What if they tell you to spend your entire weekend cooking and cleaning for them and their guests? When do you get to live your life, your one and only life? No matter what your religious belief is, they are not proven. Science cannot prove that we get more lives, that we get to go to heaven and live eternal life after this one. Is this how you want to spend your life? Doing what others tell you?
Move out, go on the trip with your boyfriend, when your siblings are old enough they will reach out to you, stay in touch over social media. It will be ok, you can do this.
You are an adult in an abusive family dynamic. I know this may be hard to hear but often times these “ultra-religious” households are very abusive and controlling, mainly of women.
You need to realize you are an adult now and the longer you stay in this the more trauma you’re going to have from it and the harder it will be for you to get out of it.
Once you do get out of it do your best not to perpetuate the cycle.
Although the situation is complicated, your options are pretty simple:
> ⚠️ I know the obvious answer is to just move out — and I could. But the consequences would be huge. My parents would likely cut me off completely.
Ok, and they sound pretty awful so that seems like a great thing for your overall growth and development after the initial pain. Oh no, my extremely religious, strict, controlling parents with occasional streaks of violence cut me out?! I know it’s more complicated than that, I know you likely still care for them, but as someone who went no-contact with parts of their own family for similar reasons, it’s been one of the best decisions of my life.
> I wouldn’t be able to see my younger siblings, who I love deeply and who look up to me.
This… is tough. I also had younger siblings and i was able to stay in contact with them through discord and other online platforms, and once they also left home, it got a whole lot easier.
> My extended family, church community, and even friends would be disappointed and scandalized because they see me as the “good girl” who always obeys her parents.
Sounds like they suck too. Unless you want to also continue life in a strict religious context, then this is just part of the deal of leaving.
> My dad also struggles with anger, and he can be a little violent — that’s part of why I’m scared to take that step. I’m just trying to think about the bigger picture. ⚠️
Yes, it will take care and planning to do this right, and ideally with the support or presence of others. However, I think the big picture is that you’re 22, you don’t see your life continuing in your parent’s footsteps. It’s time to take the painful step of doing something.
When is the trip? How much time do you have to prepare to go on the trip and also GTFO of that house once you return? Do you have friends to stay with? Could you temporarily live with your boyfriend even until you find your own place? What country are you in?
I had a very controlling mother that treated me like a child until I finally moved out at 22/23. My situation was not as severe as yours and I didn’t have a whole community to judge me and still had access to my siblings so it was much easier for me to leave. I still completely understand the fear behind it. It’s an abusive relationship. You can’t “just leave”. With that being said, like everyone else is saying, you are an adult and can make your own decisions and live your life how you want. There needs to be a breaking point to this and this might be it. It comes with a lot of sacrifice, but you also need to be free from their control or else you will miss out on more and more experiences and will never be happy if you live under what they want. You have to decide if it’s worth putting up with this and let it get in the way for you just to make them happy.
What especially concerns me is that you said your father can be violent. I would honestly say you leave for that trip and that will be the last time you step foot in that house if you can swing it. Otherwise, you need to plan your escape and leave when he is NOT home if you don’t go on this trip.
I am so sorry you’re in this situation.