This is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for years now. I’m an 18year old girl, almost 19. When I was a kid, my uncle used to visit us every couple of years with a visa. To me, he was the perfect uncle, always kind and caring. He would play with me, teach me how to draw, and even take me to the park where I could play with my friends. But one day, everything changed.
He was sleeping in the living room, as he often did, and every morning I would go there to watch TV. That particular morning, I was chatting with him as I usually did, enjoying his company. But that morning, something awful happened. I was sitting next to him on the couch, and after a little while, he started leaning closer and closer to my face. I felt uncomfortable and pulled my face back, trying to show that I didn’t want this, but he didn’t stop. He forced himself on me, pressing his mouth against mine. I was disgusted by this act and found myself in a very awkward position. On one hand, I felt violated, and on the other, utterly confused even wondering if this kind of thing was normal. I was just a child, only 8 or 9 years old, i knew that was wrong but I didn’t understand the gravity of what was happening.
What followed was a series of traumatic experiences that I couldn’t make sense of at the time. He touched my private parts several times, guiding my hand to his own, which he had already shown me btw. There were moments when he would climb on top of me, and other times when he encouraged me to climb on top of him. All of this happened every time he came to visit, and it continued until I was 11, when it became too much for me to bear. I started avoiding being alone with him, and eventually, it stopped. Now, when I see my uncle, it’s almost as if none of it ever happened.
I hate myself for allowing all of this to continue. I know that’s freaking weird but I didn’t want him to be angry with me or ignore me, which he often did. So, I did everything he said, just to make him proud. Sometimes, I even took the initiative to do things for him, like kissing him. I was so desperate for his approval that I let him control me, and now I’m left with a deep sense of regret and self-loathing.
To this day, these events eat away at me from the inside, and I can’t stop regretting what I did and what I allowed him to do to me.
Comments
You need to expose him and contact everyone in the family odds are you’re not the only one
You were a child he was a predator you didn’t let him
I’m sorry this happened to you. I experienced something similar with my grandfather. The molesting started at 5 when I started kindergarten and would happen every visit once a month. It lasted right up until I was 23 when he died. I never told anyone. Let it happen even when I realized it was wrong. Cause how do I tell my own mother that her father is not only a pedophile but was molesting me. I’m pretty sure he did it to my other 2 sisters as well but we’ve never talked about it. At his funeral I didn’t cry, I was numb. Because after all the years of abuse, he was still my grandfather. Though I was somewhat glad he was gone. I’m 32 now. My parents still don’t know. Though I have told my husband and my therapist. I’m dealing with the PTSD of his actions. To this day when I catch a smell of cigarettes or old spice after shave I feel like he’s watching me. Even though I know he’s gone and I’m older now. I still feel like I’m 5 years old
You’re only young yet and have had to deal with so much. Something nobody should. When you feel brave enough. I think you should talk to someone about what is happening. Don’t wait and let him get away with it like I did. I’ll always regret that.
I’m so sorry this happened. He is a pedophile. A pedophile molests children. You were a child.
The first thing I will say to you is you need psychotherapy to deal with what this did to you. Please find a good one to talk to. You could start with a group if you want to. Please find some support for this. When you start doing therapy, you can decide how or if you want to expose him. Consensus would be the family should know the abuse he subjected you to.
That is up to you after you go through some therapy for this traumatic event. I am so sorry and I hope he will pay for what he did in whichever way can happen. It was wrong and it was not your fault. Do not ever think it was. You did nothing wrong.
You didn’t allow this to continue. A child isn’t able to consent much less allow abuse. I am a survivor of CSA also. It took me a long time to forgive myself and sometimes it feels like I still haven’t fully forgiven the child I was. That’s just it though. Children don’t have the life experience nor the autonomy to tell someone in a position of authority to stop. The shame of admitting something like this happening is heavy but the more you talk about it, the lighter it gets. Thank you for sharing. I am proud of your bravery. Therapy helps even if you have someone in your life to talk to.
So sorry this happened to you. I’m also a survivor and a mental health clinician. Guilt and shame are part of every SA survivor’s life unless they’ve received treatment from the right helpers. Thinking of you and so many others out there. Please get help in healing and come forward if he’s still alive. It’ll stir up so much initially to tell the family and police, but it will likely be helpful to you and your mental health.
Please consider therapy and if your therapist suggests it trauma therapy might be helpful. Just remember you did nothing wrong. He groomed you and you were at the right age to not question it too much.
Just try to get help. I also was SAed when I was 4 and I didn’t deal with it until I was 45. In the intervening years I was a hot mess with crippling anxiety and PTSD. After trauma therapy and regular counseling for a year I was so much better.
I am 49 now and I am on no medications and no longer attend counseling. My anxiety is under control. It will never completely leave me but I now have the tools to deal with it.
Much love to you and know you were innocent. Please no self loathing or self sabotage, give yourself a little grace. Best of luck
It was NOT your fault. It was never your fault, in any way shape or form. He was an adult taking advantage of a young child who could not possibly have understood or known what to do. Any feelings you had, including the desire not to disappoint at the time, were okay and normal. I am also a survivor and truly understand. I am twice your age and only somewhat recently have fully accepted that it was not even a tiny bit my fault. I hope you can find that peace and understanding sooner than I did, because you deserve that. The guilt is his alone to carry, and I hope he does.
and you still didn’t expose him some peoples brains truly rotten usually normal people when realise these things would expose atleast obviously you have no proof about past cant report to police but you can expose to family so they aware even if they wont believe they will be more cautious moght save other kids in your family but you will find 1000 excuses not to, dont even bother typing them here
It’s already been said but it really wasn’t your fault. It’s completely natural for children to be confused and want approval from someone who has previously been kind to them. That’s what predators take advantage of. A child can’t be expected to figure out what to do, how to protect themselves or what’s right or wrong, they don’t yet have that level of agency. Be kind to your inner child for the confusion and mix of (completely understandable) feelings she went through, and the shame. You didn’t deserve any of it and shouldn’t have been treated that way.