Throwaway because nobody knows about this story outside of those involved. For the last couple years, my mother has been dealing with my oldest brother who was able to wipe out her entire life savings (about $600,000) simply because of his own greed. He was hoping to quadruple her money and receive a payday but he ended up losing all of it. Unfortunately, he did all this behind the scenes and nobody else knew about it until it was too late. When we found out all her money was gone, he made several promises to pay it back but since then, >10k has has been paid back to her and he hasn’t paid her anything for the last year. He stays in his room 24/7 and he has never worked a job, but he has a degree in IT. The problem is that he is adamant against getting a job (or finding any solution) to fix this problem.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the police (or tell anyone period) and I know some of you might still say to go to the police/get a lawyer, but its not up to me and it wont get the money back because he has nothing. I’m really just looking for any advice here because its such a fucked yet fixable situation. But what can you do when you have a stubborn lazy brother that refuses to find a solution? I’ve tried talking to him but he gets hostile whenever anyone brings up this situation or the dreaded “J” word. He wants everyone to stay silent and forget about what he did but we are absolutely not letting this go.
TL;DR My brother took and lost all my moms money gambling on the stock market, he isn’t taking accountabilty/hasn’t paid her anything in the last year, constantly argues and makes excuses for not getting a job, and somehow still stays in our house rent free despite everything.
Comments
Ok so what advice do you want exacly? Your mother said she will not go to the police. Reddit will not make her change her mind.
I don’t know. Go hire i guy who breaks legs ovee money issues?
sometimes violence is the answer.
You mentioned he stays in his room and whose house is his room is it in his mother’s house?
I’d be looking at things like what mighty inherit What precautions have been taken for something like this or any sort of financial manipulation to take place again in the future he understands IT he could be doing anything.
Unfortunately, your mother is enabling this behavior and in this cases with enabling like that, they don’t just stop because the messages is clear whatever they do. They’re gonna get away with it. Usually what gamblers do when they lose money is double down and that’s what you want to try to prevent
Best of luck to you all
Forcibly evict him? Not sure what else you’re looking for here.
Paying back $600k isn’t going to just happen overnight. I have no idea how old you all are but if your mom is in retirement age already, there’s a good chance she doesn’t make it to see him earn $600k after taxes just for himself, much less $600k to pay her back.
He’s not stepping into a six figure position tomorrow with an IT degree even if he finds a place that will hire him on the spot. Even making $60k he’d have to have no taxes and no living expenses, food, or anything else to even pay it back in 10 years.
Honestly, the money is basically gone.
There’s nothing you can do. Its up to your mom to decide what to do and she already has accepted the situation for what it is
Lots of unanswered questions in this situation:
How old are all of you?
Was the brother a joint owner on his mother’s bank accounts? If not, did she willingly give him the money?
If he’s broke and doesn’t earn income and has no savings, how can he possibly “pay her back” other than by going back to work?
Short of your mother agreeing to go to the police and being willing to file fraud charges against her son, there’s nothing you can do to get resolution in this matter.
It’s definitely an unfortunate situation, but what can we possibly do to “fix” it?
Is he depressed or maybe in denial over his life? So he keeps trying to force everyone to be quiet to make it all okay (it won’t be). I unno bro, you don’t have much options regarding going after him if your mum doesn’t want to.
Can you recommend he see a therapist? Would he actually do that? I’m hoping maybe he needs to get out of his own head and getting out might make him actually think about what he’s done and start to make amends.
If he doesn’t part of me thinks he might need an ultimatum from your mum that he leaves, at the very least his life will change and as such he will change, and maybe with that change he will grow.
This is moms problem not yours you can’t do anything, my advice is move on until mom is ready and needs help
You dont do anything. This situation isn’t fixable.
Have one last conversation with her. Tell her she needs to meet with an attorney and the police so she knows what her options are. Without doing so your hands are tied. Let her know you will not be financially responsible for her if she doesn’t pursue this through legal channels. There’s nothing you can do if she doesn’t want to press charges.
How did your brother get this money from your mom, did she willingly give it to him?
GET YOUR MOTHERS HOUSE PUT IN YOUR NAME. ONLY~!!!
File a police report.
It won’t do anything now. But when your brother tries to fuck you over when it is inheritance time (and he will), it will give you and the judge a tiny bit of a paper trail to indicate that this isn’t new. That may help the judge establish punitive damages in your favor.
Meanwhile, take your mom to an estate planning attorney and get a will drafted up that gives you (x/2 + 300k) and him (x/2 – 300k). Have the attorney add a clause that says anyone who challenges the will has their amount immediately reduced to zero and instead distributed to the other beneficiary.
get a new brother
600k??? And lil bro is still in the house?
Lessons can’t be learnt with no consequences.
never make him forget what he has done, yes this will cause problems, but her needs to grow up, become an adult and pay his debts , dont lay off untill he grows up
Shits wild to me. If I did this, I would be disowned, let alone be able to live there still.
Also, none of you are very bright if you thought for 1 second the dude who has never had a job, or is adamant he doesn’t want a job, will pay even remotely close to what he owes back.
Your mom is an enabler. If she has any chance of seeing more money come her way she needs to cut the umbilical cord. Your brother needs a harsh awakening.
He is never going to take responsibility for his life until he is forced to, until he finds a job he needs to be evicted from the house. One day he goes out and comes back to a house with the locks changed and his personal belongings on the the front lawn with a note saying he can come back once he has found a job and can start making amends for what he has done.
At this point, he likely has no idea of the consequences of what he did. He probably has lost touch with reality and thinks of it all as some kind of computer game that he lost and expects to be able to restore his game at the last check point and continue on as if nothing ever happened.
Dude really fumbled $600k like it was Monopoly money and then decided his villain arc was just… doing nothing forever. If he won’t get a job or take accountability, your mom is enabling him by letting him stay rent free. I get she doesn’t wanna go legal, but he’s not gonna magically grow a conscience.
If you’re not going to the police and he won’t get a job I guess all you can do is take it out of his skin. Like when you take a bet with a bookie that you can’t cover and lose. They aren’t going to the police.
Can you anonymously report him for elder abuse? If you are in the US, adult protective services takes elder abuse very seriously. They will do the research and the legal ball will get rolling without your mother’s help. The only way your mother is getting that money back from him is if he faces real repercussions of his actions. If he’s living in her house and jobless, how is she going to support them when her money runs out? This is a shit situation all around, but your mother is enabling the brother to be a POS amd the brother will only get worse.
This is the most “writing exercise” post I’ve seen in a while.
And unfortunately you’re not a very good writer.
Your mum has to decide whether or not to legally pursue this.
If she doesn’t, she may aswell accept that the money has gone forever.
Your brother is a loser, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to end everything instead of digging himself out the hole he dug..
..but it’s important to know, it was his doing, you and your mum are in a difficult place.
Your mom needs to grow a backbone. He is not going to change bec your mom is the biggest enabler and she knows it.
She has to kick him out of the house. Accept it that 600k is gone and your mom knows it tol deep in her heart.
She needs to kick him out of the house. I think he is your mom’s golden boy.
Mom needs to press charges and sue your sibling for damages. Obviously, he’s a dead beat with no money, and is never going to be able to pay her back. Ever. The point of pressing for damages is an official record and judgement of what happened.
Mom also needs to remove your sibling from her will. He got his $600K in advance.
Sucky situation.
Honestly the best option is to contact a lawyer and see if she can involve the police and try to file a claim with SIPC to reclaim the lost funds due to fraud. That’s the only way the money will come back barring a sudden lottery win or business idea.
If your mom isn’t willing to do that, then she is choosing to accept the loss of the funds and it’s time to just move forward.
Just relax, that blockbuster stock is going to pop any day now and all will be made right.
There nothing anyone can do if your brother wanted to be a loser. Word of advise is don’t let him know your bank accounts
What an awful situation. He’s not paying your mother back that amount. At least not anywhere near what he owes unless he wins the lottery or something. This amount is typically accumulated over decades.
Your brother sounds like a NEET, but worse because they usually don’t bother anyone. Your brother destroyed your mother’s retirement plans.
Your brother is F’d. Good luck with this one Op
Unfortunately this isn’t a problem for you to fix. Your mother has enabled him to become the man, or lack of, that he is. He most likely will never have the means to pay her back that sum of money; especially not before she actually needs it. The proper course of action would be to make him feel some kind consequence for his actions, like forcing him to move out. She could get a judgement against him but that would ultimately further prevent him from taking flight, and would probably never get paid anyhow.
This is horrible. This man needs to be in jail. He literally stole money from your mom. I would report him and tell her you enable bad behavior you will get bad behavior
The money will not be paid back.
Try r/vent
Advice? Not your business. Mom won’t do anything, mom is choosing to continue to enable him. Likely she will leave him the house too. Or he will makes fake will.
Umm black guy here. What ever happened to a good old fashioned ass whooping. No you won’t get the money back but a message will be sent and received.
Elder abuse and fraud. I would contact the police. Is your mother of sound mind and has full use of her faculties? Does anyone have power of attorney over her affairs? If not and she will not press charges then not much you can do. I would at least get a legal document and note made up and executed showing how much he owes and establish a repayment schedule.
The total lifetime earnings for an American male varies from $1.3 million to $2.3 million depending on education level. He lost between a quarter to half of his expected lifetime earnings (on average), meaning that it would take decades of work to pay this back if he had no expenses and 100% of his earnings went towards it. I don’t think this is fixable, unless he wins the lottery.
>what can you do when you have a stubborn lazy brother that refuses to find a solution
If your parents don’t want to enable this behavior anymore they can stop giving him money for his expenses (phone, games, computer, gaming console, etc) and evict him. It sounds like he just won’t change unless he absolutely needs to. Keep in mind that eviction requires a formal notice and the time you’re required to give him to move out will vary a lot depending on your state.
Id be happy to encourage him for a one time fee. Dm me
Mom needs to stop coddling that loser.
It seems like there is nothing you can do because it was friendly fire.
I have no advice but I thought my brother was an effin parasite but gosh dang, your bro took the cake. $600K is more than enough for me personally to cut him off permanently. My ex husband stole $10K from me and I’m still bitter about it. Only comfort is he’s in prison for 10 to 30 years (unrelated charge) but gosh dang it, I could use that $10K right now lol.
Change the “j word” from “job” to “jail” and see if that motivates him. Your mom made all this possible through poor decision making so good luck.
If your mom won’t involve law enforcement or take any other legal avenues, there’s probably nothing you can do, aside from making it clear now that you won’t support or assist either of them in the future.
Not sure if this story is real, but lets assume it is.
You say the brother did all this secretly. Are you sure it was secret? Are you sure mom was not agreeable to him trying to maximize her assets? Not saying it was right, just questioning if we are sure it was “secret?”
Also you said he funneled the money out, but then into “her” brokerage account? Reading your post it looks like the money moms all along, he never put in his name. He was logging in her brokerage account and he traded inside her brokerage account. Right? If so, there is no theft
As others have said, at best all you’re going to get is a damaged family relationship with your aging mother and perhaps your brother incarcerated which how is that going to be for your mom? There is no way to get the money back.
I don’t even think SIPC insurance would work unless you can prove the brokerage provided the brother access that they should not have otherwise provided. However that still results in brother going to jail.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
I understand the feeling of betrayal as an in-law decided to use all my retirement savings to save a grandchild ( adult) losing an auto they had co-signed for. Yes I blindly trusted. It enabled this person to pay off that debt,paid off a reverse mortgage,pay off property and paid off a new home. Never a sorry as I try to live with less that $2,000 a month SSI..I choose to not push the issue as it involved my only sister( who originally wasn’t aware) who I loved dearly. She’s passed now. Deciding not to pursue is my frustration. The Bonds of family might outweigh common sense💕
I’ve been in this situation before and it’s incredibly frustrating. Unfortunately in my case, my brother took 700 billion gazillion dollars from my mum’s account plus 250 trillion in loans. I also came on Reddit and posted here expecting people to offer me advice despite not asking what advice I was really looking for, but it did help with my creative writing class. I’m still shit at writing and just use AI for all of my bullshit posts now.
Your brother won’t change and your mom doesn’t have the willingness to address the problem. If you want to help your mom, then become successful on your own. Make enough money that you can help support her when the time comes with the caveat that she can no longer support your brother while receiving support from you. Then you also have to commit to never helping your brother, as this is a personality trait that will likely never change. He has to learn a very hard lesson here, and you need to be willing to watch him fall.
> My mother doesnt want to go to the police (or tell anyone period) […] but it’s not up to me and it wont get the money back because he has nothing.
There you go. You cant do anything about it, because the person who has the power to do something about it is not interested in doing anything about it. Should your mother face struggles in the future, it’s not really your fault. There’s a degree of personal responsibility here (e.g. taking control of your own situation) that she is simply unwilling to do. You cant lead a horse to the drinking trough, but you can’t force it to drink.
Go to the police or get a lawyer. Reddit won’t help
As long as there aren’t consequences for his actions, nothing will change.