Hello everyone,
23 F here from the USA. As the title states, my wedding is in 5 days. I’m not in love with my soon to be husband. I am in love, but not with him. I’ve been single my whole life, and I was aware that the day would come where my parents would find someone for me to marry. I come from an Arab muslim background and my family is very orthodox. My parents are both Muslim and have arranged my marriage to a man they see ideal for me.
I was fine. Growing up with the knowledge of my marriage being chosen for me was no bother. It’s all I knew and honestly I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Not until college. You see, I went to college for my degree and goal in mind to complete my studies so I would have a good career. My family has a very successful business, but my elder brothers will be administrating it. So I’m left to find my own career in hopes of starting something of my own. That took convincing as my family sees the ideal woman as a housewife and not actually having a career. I studied my ass off and balanced my school with my personal and religious responsibilities.
Fast forward to my senior year of college(fall semester) and I met a fellow classmate. She and I worked on an assignment together and in that time we hit it off. Initially it was a beautiful friendship and neither of us had any intentions for relationships. Hell, I was aware that soon by the spring semester I’d be in talks for a potential spouse.
We began chatting about our lives and our ideal future. Slowly I began opening up. It was very good to have someone to just be myself with. We would discuss our cultures, faith and our opinions. She’s a Mexican Catholic and I’m an Arab Muslim and we learned quite a lot about each other. She would even ask me questions and take notes on my beliefs and I’d do the same. Beyond that she was very kind and never once judged me the way other did.
That’s when we began talking about relationships and even kids. She asked me if I had ever been in a relationship to which I said no. I saw the shock in her face. I’m not bragging but I’ve always been complimented for being very beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I pride myself on taking care of my skin and smelling good, but I never was one to like compliments on how “beautiful” I am. Just doesn’t feel right. Anyways, that’s when I asked her as well. She had been in a couple of relationships but none of them lasted long. Usually guys would play nice and then turn into assholes once in a relationship. That did kind of scare me as I thought about the fact that in my case, I didn’t have the choice to break up. It would be a divorce and that’s a big no no in my culture, especially with my family.
So, as the months went on our friendship got stronger. We’d go get coffee together and go on late night drives and just chat it up. Everything changed. I’ll spare details but basically the time came and my parents had me meet a guy who is now my soon to be husband.
I went and we talked. We got to meet each other and chat a bit. It was very traditional and to his credit-he was incredibly kind and never once gave me a bad vibe during our first meeting. My brother and father were present along his father. They were at a distance but that’s to show how serious they were about this.
The meeting went well you could say. It was a good conversation and he is incredibly well mannered and yes he is good looking. But I just didn’t feel anything nor a want for marriage yet.
That night I told my friend-Camila(not her real name but close I guess) and I found myself crying. I just didn’t want to get married and I just knew he was the one my family wanted me to get with. These arranged marriages suck. They say you get a choice, but I’m lost cases you really don’t. It’s more of a business deal than anything.
Well, I talked with her and as the days went by, I just couldn’t function. Something wasn’t right. Well one night she suggested we go for a drive and we did. That drive landed us at a parking garage where we went up to the top floor. We chatted and chatted. 1 hour became 5 and that’s when things took a turn. I brought up this situation and I don’t know how it happened, but it ended with her wiping my tears and pulling me in for a kiss. I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do. My mind was racing, but before I knew it I went for it again.
That night opened up something. Months of a romantic relationship. She’s beautiful yes, but it’s not just a physical attraction. I fell madly in love with her.
These past weeks have been hell. Her and I knowing that we are on the verge of losing each other. Yes I know it’s cheating or an affair. But I don’t love him. He knows that I don’t, but he’s willing to fight for it. I didn’t need to tell him anything, he picked up on my lack of interest in him despite my manners and fake enthusiasm. He’s kind, and really has tried to hear me out, but to tell him the truth would be certain suicide.
Now I don’t know what to do. This hit me hard yesterday and I went as far as creating a freaking Reddit account and now about to share this. I know this post is a mess and a lot to explain and a lot of questions to be asked. Perhaps I’ll give a more elaborate post but for now this is all I can type up.
To all the Muslims-yes I know this is a huge sin. To be in secret relationship while engaged. Especially with the same sex, but I’m not here to lie condemned by anyone. That I leave to God. I’m just here desperately trying to fight through this. Perhaps one day God will forgive me for this. That I’ll find out.
Do I seek advice? I’m not sure honestly. Maybe I just want someone out there to hear me out. Even if it’s an anonymous user. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know how I’ll say goodbye to her. I love her, and this is going to hurt. But she also does deserve better. I can’t give her any future and my soon to be husband has been far too kind.
Thank yall and hope you guys have a blessed day. Much love 🫶
Comments
I don’t understand arranged marriages. They sound like something from the Dark Ages. You are an adult. You should be free to live your life the way you want to with the person you want to be with.
I’m so sorry, this was heartbreaking to read. People should be allowed to love and marry whoever they want.
When people face a choice of this magnitude, it often boils down to essentially the same question: do you want to have a single, possibly brief period of unbelievable pain and crisis in order to live the life you want, or resign yourself to just dying a little more inside every day? The former may seem impossible, but I promise it isn’t. I believe you’re asking because you want someone to tell you it’s possible, and I believe it is.
Both plans have their upsides and downsides, obviously. But the upsides are not created equal. The upside of going through with the marriage is that it doesn’t rock the boat, and can definitely maintain your relationships with your family (though I would ask how valuable those relationships actually are if you can’t be your authentic self around them). These two upsides will not sustain you, will not carry you through the rest of your life, will not light you from within. But true love and living an authentic life? THAT is the kind of thing that sustains and nourishes you. That’s what you can built a real life from.
I don’t know the exact specifics of the situation, but since you are a legal adult living in the United States, I think you should convey that the wedding is off and pursue a relationship with Camila. It’s going to be a big, painful mess. And it’s going to be the best thing you ever do for yourself. The most important thing when communicating with your family is conveying that there will be NO NEGOTIATION. Let them yell at you, share their feelings, whatever. But you CANNOT let them think that there is any wiggle room on your decision, because they’re going to try to wear you down.
Rip the bandaid off. Prioritize yourself in a world where it’s impossible to make everyone else happy anyway. Best of luck!
You are an adult. Legally, there is nothing anyone can do to force you to go through with this. If you truly value your life and happiness, turn this wedding down, or you’re going to live in a marriage full of regret. At most, this might mean losing your family, but you should value your happiness way more. If your parents even think about putting their hands on you, call law enforcement. Do not go through with this and regret it for the rest of your life.
I don’t have any experience with your religion or arranged marriages in general but I wish you the best and I hope you find freedom and happiness in your life
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to
You don’t have to marry this man
You can say no
Why do something when your heart isn’t in it
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Don’t put yourself or him or any future kids through the torture that is about to ensue. An unhappy marriage is the loneliest feeling you can possibly imagine. No single person has ever felt the loneliness an unhappily married person feels.
The fact that you said telling him the truth would be “certain suicide” just sucks to read.
Find a new religion where you can actually live your life. If God actually exists, I highly doubt he’d approve of killing one another simply for telling the truth. That’s not a very noble thing, you have to admit. And if you think it is, please consider how you may have been brainwashed.
The first thing I’d ask is this: are you truly attracted to women, or is this sudden turn of events just pulling you away from a situation you weren’t that interested in to begin with? Before she kissed you, did you genuinely feel a sexual desire for women? I ask because you’re about to make a very big commitment without being sure this path is even right for you. Everything has happened so suddenly—it may be wise to step back and reflect.
You’re an Arab Muslim, and you already know your parents are unlikely to accept this, unless they’ve adopted a more Westernized outlook. They’ve arranged a partner for you from a family that clearly cares about social standing. Imagine how it would sound to them: “we tried to arrange our son with someone, but she turned out to be a lesbian.” From a Western perspective this might seem exaggerated, but in Arab culture this would be seen very negatively.
So, what should you do? I’d say end things with this man politely: “I’m sorry, I don’t feel this will work.” But keep the real reason to yourself. Then take time to decide what you truly want in life. And here’s something people rarely talk about, but you need to know: lesbian divorce rates are around 76%. That means if you run off with this woman, statistically you’ve got only a 24% chance it will last. Compare that to heterosexual divorce rates at 56%, and male same-sex divorce rates at just 25%.
Why do I bring this up? Because I suspect you may not actually be a lesbian. She made the first move, this was your first intimate experience, and all those emotions hit you at once. It’s overwhelming, but it doesn’t necessarily define your orientation. You deserve to know what you’re up against before making a life-altering decision.
But whatever you decide to do, do NOT marry this man. That is extremely cruel to him. Imagine a man entered into an arranged marriage to you and you found out he was gay. You’d be devastated and feel deeply betrayed that he would allow THAT to be your first experience with marriage.
Good luck
Coming from the same background…Muslim family. My advice to you is to do istikhara for three days about your situation. You’ll get an answer on whether there is any khair in this arranged marriage or not. If the signs point to there not being any, express that to your parents. I feel like they should understand especially since they are orthodox. Yes, cancelling weddings leads to losing face in our culture, but it’s less painful for everyone in the long-run. It saves two people from wasting time and years with each other, feeling trapped, and worse. Second thing, and this is not to diminish your experience with your friend, but what might be “love” to you might just be an experimental experience with the same-sex for your friend. Meaning don’t put so much stalk into your first physical, sexual and emotional experience whether it is with the same sex or not. It’s something that happens more often than not with peoples’ firsts. Last, you are an adult and if going through with this is something you don’t want, speak up for yourself even if it causes strife in the short-term. If you want to continue focusing on your studies and career, then do that. And find a way to possibly physically distance yourself from your family if you know that they will continue to try to pressure you into arranged marriages. Sometimes, there is that one person in every family that strikes out on their own. It sounds like that might be you. I wish you the best of luck. If you believe in prayer, use prayer for God to intervene in this situation.
Run away. I an asian myself. If you want freedom, run away and live your own life. I don’t know your family, but you could get murdered as part of “honor killing”
Tell your family you don’t like the guy first off, if it’s specifically him you don’t like then that’s a minor issue, they’ll look for someone else.
BUT, follow your heart here, this is marriage not your Fortnite Duo, if you like this girl more than anyone you can imagine then pursue her and try it, hide it if your family would go apeshit and let her know that’s a possibility, or if you’re willing to prioritise her then publicise it.
On the flip side if you’re truly aligned with Islam and only see this girl as a hiccup in your thoughts and feelings I’d say cancel the wedding with this guy anyway, there’s endless Muslims In the world you don’t need to be latched onto one just out of obligation or past promises you may have given.
Ask yourself the really hard hitting questions.
Would you be happy long term if you married this man?
Do you think if you married this man, you would be able to not have resentment towards being forced to be with him?
If you left this man, pursued “Camila”, and it ended up not working out in the future, would you still be okay with your choice and happy you chose your own happiness by being with her over something that was chosen for you?
I hate that you can’t choose who you can be with freely. I feel you 🫂 and I hope it all goes well. Best wishes🫂
I’m sorry for your pain. But I worry for you also. I don’t know much about your Muslim religion and nothing about your family and arranged marriages. If telling your family about your secret love for Camilla and that you won’t go through with the marriage, would that put you in any danger of losing your life? I know some Muslim religious beliefs are so extreme that when a daughter goes against the family and the Muslim religious beliefs that condone honor killings. Would you be subjected to something like that?
If you aren’t willing to choose yourself, don’t complain/feel sad about not being able to have your cake and eat it too. If you want to live your truth enough, you can call it off and lead your own life. If you cannot handle disappointing/being disowned by your family for living YOUR truth, then accept that you’re choosing to engage in this life. You may not have been able to choose the culture you’re born into, but if you’re in the USA, the only thing holding you back is your own self imposed mental bondage. Free yourself from a life of misery. If you go through with this, you are in NO WAY A VICTIM. Choose yourself.