I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than two years now and I’ve been struggling with how he reacts, or doesn’t react when I experience racism or microaggressions.
There have been several situations where I’ve felt deeply hurt or uncomfortable, and he either stayed silent or dismissed my feelings completely.
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His dad’s girlfriend once tried to connect with me by saying, “Oh you’re Thai and lived in a condo once ? My Vietnamese daughter-in-law lives in a condo too!” As if our cultures and experiences are interchangeable. When I told my boyfriend it felt weird and othering, he told me I was being unfair and then said he wouldn’t say anything to her about it because she has Parkinson’s.
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When a drunk person said “Chinese pussy” to me on the street, my boyfriend didn’t say anything back, and said it was directed at him and not me.
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His cousin’s husband once told me my English was “really good” and asked where I learned it. He said nothing just shook his head.
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When I mentioned to my boyfriend that people often say “ni hao” to me on the street, and how dehumanizing that feels, he told me it’s not racist and that “they’re just trying to be nice.”
When I called him out on all of this, after trying for months to explain how this all makes me feel, he said, “Oh my god, you know I’m coming from a good place. I’m just tired, I didn’t sleep well.” And again, I was left feeling invisible. It’s like he always centers how he feels over what I’m actually going through.
After the most recent incident, I told him I didn’t think I could keep doing this. I told him I needed to feel supported, seen, and respected, not just in words, but in how he shows up for me. He apologized and said he’s sorry for everything, but now I’m torn.
Do I stay and give him another chance to actually do better? Or do I accept that I’ve already given him chances, and he’s shown me who he is? I feel like I’ve had to teach him how to care about my experiences, and I’m exhausted. I don’t want to shrink myself just to be in a relationship where I’m not being heard.
Comments
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painful,do you want to endure
His lack of reaction or immediate support of you in the more obvious examples of racism tells you all you need to know. If he wanted to change, he would’ve the first time the topic came up, not after two years. He was probably just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear, especially if you told him you couldn’t do this anymore in the same conversation.
Move on, you’re worth more than this mediocre sounding man could ever give you.
Ultimately, this is your decision. If I was your friend and you were telling me this, I would be glad you were considering breaking up with him and I would encourage it.
You don’t have to date people that dismiss your life experiences.
He sounds afraid of confronting it and probably will stay that way. You already communicated it was important there’s not much else you can do other than that
Commenting before I read: break up with him. You shouldn’t force yourself to deal with him being a racist because you deserve better. Also u can break up with someone for whatever reason you want.
Okay just finished reading: break up. He doesnt care about racism and hes annoyed when you bring it up. Break up.
Hi there I wanted to start off by saying that I think everything you’ve said and feel is valid. As a black man who’s dated outside of his race I’ve always made sure whoever I’m dating has been treated with respect and that they do the same for me. It’s not about words it’s more about action like you’ve said. Whether the woman I’m dating is white, Latina or Middle Eastern etc. I make sure we have that conversation about what it means to date one another. We talk with respect and make sure we show up for one another in all aspects.
It sounds like your BF isn’t listening to your concerns or feelings nor does he care to. He comes off as the type to where if it doesn’t affect him then it doesn’t matter. You’ve given him chances and he’s given you excuses. I think it’s best to leave now because someone else will show you the respect you deserve because your BF(hopefully soon to be ex) never will.
Where do you guys live? That’s a lot of harassment.
Not everyone is equipped to date a social justice warrior. Set him free.
I would question if he knows what Parkinson’s is. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it used as an excuse for casual racism.
For the drunk person on the street, was it a continued interaction or just a random comment? Because I can see just ignoring a random passerby. The attention is what they really want out of the situation. And you never know what some weird drunk guy might do. But in the other scenarios it seems like he just doesn’t understand how racism works. I assume he’s a white guy? Because I had a lot of learning to do. Maybe he just hasn’t been exposed to it.
It’s up to you about another chance. It sounds like he is nonconfrontational. And unfortunately that’s not the best disposition when your partner is experiencing racism from your family. It doesn’t seem to me like he is the kind of guy who is willing to grow from a partner.
Does he struggle with conflict generally, and is he passive about a lot of things in life? Or is it only about this?
hi, i married a guy who dismissed my experiences of racism. that’s a racist thing to do. we’re divorced now. get out.