I (28m) have been with my wife (27f) for close to 6 years now, married for 2 ish, no kids yet. Up until about 2 years ago we would have sex multiple times a week like crazy. She was pretty wild in college so the first few years of dating was a blast. We have a pretty awesome life, great friends & family, great jobs, and we NEVER fight or argue. Since then, the intimate life has slowed down to the point where we have sex maybe 1 time per month or 2 months. At first I was very understanding because I travel for work and I realize being alone can be tough, however our sexual life is basically non existent now. Whenever we do have sex, I am always the one to initiate it and always feel like I’m a burden or it’s just a means to an end for her. I have brought it up multiple times to ask if there is anything that I can do to re-spark that part of our love life and the answer is usually that she is tired or doesn’t feel attractive. I always try to compliment her/show her off/be physical with her and it does no good. Is there something I’m blatantly missing or what?! Everything else in our relationship is still so amazing.
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You told me everything when you said you travel for work. It might be difficult to catch but you know what you gotta do
Make her feel attractive. Do it without the expectation of anything in return. Do it jist to make her feel good.
Men’s desire is visual. Women’s desire is in the reflection of men’s desire. They desire to be desired, so to speak. Show her she is desirable. With compliments. With your gaze. With your presence.
Invite her on dates. Real dates. Hold the door for her. Offer her your elbow to escort her. Bring her flowers. Gaze at her. Hand on the small of the back. Be a masculine presence that radiates desire for her. She will turn back on.
DONT just ask for sex, or “initiate” sex. Sex starts hours before you even ask. If you want to have sex at night start foreplay and seduction in the morning. Don’t just drop the “hey can we fuck?” question 2p minutes before bed.
Text her how beautiful she is. How desriable she is. How you want to explore her body with your hands and mouth. Write like you’re writing a trashy romance novel. Tell her you’ve been thinking of her all day and can’t wait to see her.
And if you’re already doing all that, she should get a physical and hormonal work up.
I highly recommend the free course on The Wheel of Consent. Even better if you do it together.
Had a couples counselor recommend it and it changed my life.
It’s an awesome approach to intimacy and communication, especially if you’re in a rut.
Are you present with her? Do you still court her even though you’ve been married? Do you ask about her day? How she’s feeling? Do you listen, genuinely?
Do your own thing for a while (do not initiate) but lean in to her emotionally. Treat her the way you would if she wasn’t your wife, but a woman you’ve recently met whose favour and love you now have to win to get into her pants.
If everything else is medically okay, her panties should drop in no time. Good luck.
When you say “be physical with her” and “compliment her” – are those actions and comments focused around sex? Because I get the initial reflex. Call her sexy, she feels sexy -> sex
But for a lot of women, sex starts somewhere else. Do you kiss her, without it leading to more? Do you brush your hands through her hair, do you tell her she is beautiful, do you initiate physical touch that does not lead to sex or allude to it? Do you guys still go on dates? What exactly makes her tired?
If I were you I would try some of these “little tricks” first to see if desiring her non-sexually can reignite the spark a bit and make her feel up for it more. If that doesn’t work, you can always sit her down foe a more serious conversation, not to accuse her but to let her know that you’d like more specific and direct pointers on what you can contribute to get her into the mood again because it’s something you miss.
Foreplay. Take her on dates, wine and dine her, give her a massage, ask her what she wants, bring up the idea of sex toys if they’re not already used. Compliment her. Tell her about how badly you wanted & miss her when you’re gone. Dance with her, be playful. Make her feel like shes back in college.
Its true that after a while sex becomes more of a routine than exciting. Maybe she feels like its an obligation or shes not getting the same thrill she used to, so see what you can do to make it exciting again.
And most importantly, communication is key, and so is consent.
But also do a lot of these things without the intent of leading up to sex, try to be sexy for her too.
I’d recommend the book “ Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski Ph.D
It’s on Amazon and is really a great understanding of the female psyche around sex.
If she’s telling you she doesn’t feel attractive, maybe believe her?
Lots of women gain weight during relationships and then feel a lot of shame about their bodies, even if just a few pounds. They shouldn’t, but many women grew up with very strict ideas of what beauty should be. Speak to her about what she’s told you so far, ask her how to support her, do exactly what she says. If it is weight gain, let her know that you still find her attractive. She may ask you to support her to eat healthily/drink less/instead of suggesting meals out, suggest fun activities instead. That’s gotto come from her though, if she wants to eat pizza, that’s OK too. Even if she hasn’t gained weight, if she’s eating badly – sugar/flour/junk/wine etc will create a whole cascade health effect in the body, where she genuinely feels tired.
If not that, what else could be causing her to say she feels unattractive and tired? Ask her.. Maybe she has a health thing going on, thyroid, hormones that you can help her figure out?
Or stress… is she working too much? You don’t say if you have kids… If she’s a mum she is probably exhausted. Does she need a different job? Does she feel off track?
It could also be linked to relationship factors, where she’s tried to speak to you about things/change things, but hasn’t felt understood/loved etc so it’s affected your emotional closeness. For women, emotions are hugely powerful, and points of conflict within the relationship can kill sex drive.
Sex drive is linked to women’s overall wellbeing physically, mentally and emotionally so create a space for her to speak to you and listen and be gentle, trust her, try not to get triggered by what she says, offer to support her with whatever she tells you. Tell her what you need too.
I think she is having an affair or interested in someone else
What happens when women get married is they won.
Game over.
They don’t have to play anymore. Sad but true verrrrry often.
She is probably seeing someone else
Man first off you sound like a rlly caring husband. A lot of guys in ur shoes would just get mad or cheat or shut down but ur actually trying to figure out what’s going on. That says a lot. Thing is sex does change over time, the crazy energy in the start kinda fades once life gets busy. Doesn’t mean love is gone tho. When she says she’s tired or not attractive, that’s more about how she feels inside than anything ur doing. Honestly ur already doing the right stuff, like showing her off and giving compliments. Maybe try to create moments where there’s no pressure at all. Like goofy date nights, weekend trips, or just small stuff like cooking together. It rebuilds closeness so sex feels natural again instead of forced.