My wife (30f) and I (32m) have been together for 3 years, married for about 2. We have a nearly 2-year-old daughter and have been through a lot in a short time: moving in together, full-time jobs, a pregnancy, getting married, and even a miscarriage. It’s been intense and emotional. I’ve always believed in us, and while we’ve had major struggles, I’ve kept fighting for our relationship.
Recently, during a very honest conversation, she told me something that hit me hard. That after about six months of being together, she realized she didn’t feel “the feeling,” that “in love” spark. And now, 3 years in, she says she still doesn’t feel it. She told me she’s always struggled with identifying what being in love even means, and now in therapy (she’s been going for 4 months), she’s starting to untangle those feelings. This is the first time she’s ever said this out loud.
She said she loves me, cares deeply about me, and sees me as family. but questions whether that love is enough. Whether it’s true romantic love or just safety, familiarity, and shared life. It broke me. Especially because I never knew she felt that way. She even admitted she has felt that spark in previous relationships, but those were chaotic or unsafe. With me, she says, everything felt right on paper, stability, a daughter, a future, but never “the feeling.”
We’re both emotionally exhausted. I’ve made mistakes. I bottle up emotions, lash out when I’m overwhelmed, and I’ve said things I regret. I’ve just started therapy myself (1 month in), and I’m fully committed to working on my part. for me, for her, for our daughter.
She’s been through a lot too. A rough upbringing. No clear example of love or family. This is her first long-term relationship. And I know it’s all been a lot, too fast ; pregnancy, marriage, building a life. We’ve been in a tornado, and maybe we didn’t even fully get to know each other before life took over.
There have also been some fundamental issues between us. Trust was broken early on things she hid, contact with an ex, lies, secrets. We never really repaired that. Communication has also been really hard. Sometimes I feel like I can’t fully express how I feel without it turning into conflict. It’s like we’re stuck in patterns that keep pulling us apart, and we’ve never fully built the solid base a relationship really needs.
Still… despite all this, I love her. I’ve always made the choice to stay and build. And while our relationship isn’t perfect ( far from it ). I’ve always seen something real and worth fighting for. We’ve had laughter, deep connection, love for our daughter, moments of peace and joy. I’ve seen us at our best, and I’ve believed in us.
Now we’ve agreed to take some space. Not a breakup, but real distance. She says she needs space to feel what’s real for her without my presence influencing it. And I respect that. But I’m also scared. I’m scared that I’ll be the only one fighting again. That I’m the only one willing to rebuild.
Asking:
Has anyone been through this?
Can love grow when one person says they never felt “in love” to begin with?
Is space like this helpful or is it just a goodbye?
I’m willing to give it time. I’m willing to work. But I’m also scared that she’s already gone in her heart. I just don’t know what’s real anymore.
I just needed to get this out.
UPDATE (day after the conversation):
Last night we finally had the big conversation. We kept it calm and honest, no yelling, no blaming just truth. She told me more about how she’s felt for a long time, and I shared everything I’ve been holding in. We talked about her doubts, my pain, our patterns, the broken trust. I went into the talk thinking maybe this space could be the beginning of something new. A reset. But after hearing her say she’s never truly felt “in love” with me, and that she’s been carrying that for years… it hit harder than I expected. I thought I could take space, but today t I feel completely hollow. Like I’m the only one who ever fully believed in us.
She said she needs space to understand her own feelings, to explore what love really means to her. And I respect that. But it still hurts like hell. We’ve agreed to keep some distance now, especially for our daughter’s sake. I’m going to stay somewhere else for now. I told her I don’t want to give up on us, but I can’t be the only one willing to fight.
Even with everything she’s done, lies, broken trust, things that really hurt. I still love her. I know that might sound foolish, but I do. And I still want to give this a real chance. I just don’t know if she does. And I’m scared she’s already gone.
Comments
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It doesn’t matter if you love her. If she doesn’t love you in return. It is far better for your child to grow up in two happy homes than in one broken home. Do not stay in a one sided marriage
And if during her time of needing space. She moves out, do not take her back for any reason. It is like when they say they need a break, that way they can hook up with someone else and not feel guilty for cheating.
Sorry to suggest this, but it is something you really should do if you haven’t already. Get a DNA test asap
There are no breaks in a marriage. This most likely is the beginning of the end.
if she hasn’t called in love with you by now, i don’t think she will.
Actually I have felt a lot like your wife in the past. I have come to realise that what I felt was “the spark” was triggered attachment and that came from what I knew, which was unhealthy. It’s normal for relationship spark to fade after around 6 months to 2 years, PEA and oxytocin drop and are replaced by more a settled hormonal mix, these make us feel safe, inspire us to nest and feel less anxious that the relationship could blow up. For some people (me) that natural switch can be like “oh noooo the spark that made me feel butterflies has gone so I’m not in love”. I eventually redefined my own definition of love. So now I feel like rather than love being a feeling that happens TO me, love is a commitment between two people to turn up, it’s an action to prioritise growth and happiness in our home and I’m grateful every day for my partner turning up. When I make the effort to see his efforts, I realise that’s love and when I make effort back, that’s love. And the actions keep the feelings alive.
I’m not at all saying your wife feels exactly like I did. I suppose it’s more of a sharing my story in case it helps/so you can see it is possible to come back from if you both want to. But your wife does need to tune in to you, her and the relationship. We value the things most that we’re actively working towards in life.
The book “Attached” is very good, as is almost anything by Esther Perel. Esther has a great podcast too where she records live therapy sessions. There’s also a “Personal Development School” by Thais Gibson which has a free trial and I worked my way through that twice 😅 But it’s a whole process to help us discover who we are, why, and what we need. These things helped me and maybe someone reading this would find them beneficial one day too.
Have you asked her what she means by “EXPLORE” what love means to her…
My best friends are in the same situation. I try to play couples therapy for them all the time. Y’all should probably get couples therapy so you can understand each other. At least try it before you give up. Also you should try to have 2 dates to start with, 1 without the baby if someone can watch them so you both can talk freely and without distractions about your true feelings. Then try another where you really try to put in the work to take care of the baby, without making her feel like you are trying too hard. I know this is the hardest part. You can trade off, be very aware. It might be hard but this is probably how hard your wife works on being a full time mom all day every day. Give her reprieve, she will appreciate you. Then keep doing it, keep doing it, keep doing it. Life is hard but if you have someone you love helping you through it it’s kinda okay. I think you know she will come back with other things to help the relationship/ family if you also do things. Work together, love each other.
Hold up here!
Everybody experiences love differently and there are many people who struggle with their emotions, forming relationships, and identifying the difference between love, in love, list, crush etc.
I just want to say here in defense of OP’s partner that she is trying to work through this, is in therapy, and has communicated something very vulnerable that she’s barely been able to acknowledge until now. Your feelings are completely valid! Of course you would be hurt, betrayed, heartbroken, and devastated by the use of such language.
However, some women (and men too!) struggle to identify and understand what love is. They go through the motions of life and are passengers instead of drivers of their fate.
Your partner does love you. She is just trying to understand the differences between love, list, sparks, and long term love.
I myself was raised in dysfunctional and chaotic home environments. I have very little concept of what love was and literally thought I’d only experience it when I had children. Due to some very dark times I had to sort this out in my mid 20s and I didn’t date for five years while I got to know myself, my emotions, and understand how I could love myself.
I have a friend who has an avoidant attachment style and she was with her now husband and confessed to myself and another friend how bored she was in the relationship. There’s no sparks, no drama, and we begged her to keep trying as it was her first relationship that was healthy. She slowly recognised to herself that she felt safe, that she felt secure, and that she could depend on her partner as she couldn’t with anyone else.
Healthy love doesn’t feel the same as unhealthy love. We get inundated with music, books, film, social media saying how love is all these different things – but if you listen to the lyrics they are mostly about highly dysfunctional relationships.
Id highly recommend you to listen to a modern philosopher Alain de Botton radio interview/podcast about his book “On Love”. It will hopefully give you some insights into love and the definitions of love and why we think of love the way we do. How our perception of love is shaped and formed from a very young age.
https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/conversations/alain-de-botton-questions-what-we-think-we-know-about-love/7788494
Yes, this is devastating and so painful. Yes, you deserve to be loved and cherished.
But if your partner is learning about love and trying to process all sorts of things and understand your relationship and listen to her heart for maybe the first time. Some of what she is saying may be very painful but badly communicated. She doesn’t know yet and she is just trying to understand.
I ask that you please be patient and engage in couples counseling with a different therapist than her individual therapist to work through this. My fiance and I see a Gestalt couples therapist who is phenomenal.
Wishing you all the best in life and love.