My wife and I married 1.5 years ago, knew each other for six years before that. We both owned a house in our names before we got married. My wife’s house is also under my MIL’s name, as she gave her the downpayment. More on the MIL later.
My wife has always had a dream of getting a home in $MAJOR_CITY_IN_ASIA, where she grew up. I’ve been to her hometown several times, and I like it more and more each time I visit. I could see myself joining an expat community one day, and making friends. When we got married I started learning the language because I deeply desired to connect with her relatives.
Well, a few months ago, the conversation got more serious. She felt like now was the time to buy because her hometown was getting more and more expensive. She told my MIL about this, and my MIL actually scouted out a few places. She found one that was still under construction, you’d pay some amount to reserve the unit and you’d start paying the mortgage when it’s ready to move in.
She started sending me links, and then, I think I realized I didn’t feel 100% comfortable with this.
I told her I didn’t feel ready for this purchase for several reasons:
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I don’t speak or read her native language yet. I took classes but that only focuses on speaking, and it’s going to be a while before I can read and write. I need to be able to understand the legalese, what we’re signing, and what the realtor is saying. I need to be able to navigate any sort of problems that may occur: her home country won’t always have English available or help for foreigners, I wouldn’t want to rely on her if she’s sick or something.
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I didn’t have permanent residency yet. We still needed to register in her home country, I still needed to get a background check, medical tests, among other things. I wanted the legal right to be able to enter the country, in case something happens! Given the global political climate, I am spooked for wars or anything that could impede my ability to enter the country or get money out of the country.
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I want to see the neighborhood before I buy it.
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We already have two mortgages, and the condo she wanted was $1.5 million USD. It’s more expensive than where we were living now (my house). We had money, but I felt like she was FOMOing into this. I felt like we should pay down some of our existing mortgages first.
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I just felt like there’s no rush to do this now, we were less than two years into our marriage and we were still figuring out the dynamics. We still needed to rent her house out, we still needed to figure out when we’d want children, etc.
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I didn’t tell her this, but I felt scared that in worst-case scenario she could divorce me and I’d never see that money again. And I felt nervous that we were too still too financially entangled with my MIL. Overall, I felt a lot of risk if things go south.
Her rebuttals were, you didn’t need to know the native to survive in $MAJOR_CITY_IN_ASIA. And that she would be able to help me with everything, she can machine translate the legal documents, etc. We could buy now and I could keep learning her language. Prices will keep going up, we gotta buy when we can afford it. She said people buy property in foreign countries all the time without permanent residency/citizenship, it’s really not that risky.
I thought about this but in the end I said I couldn’t do right now, for the reasons I mention above.
My MIL later decided she wanted the unit as an investment, and she had my wife co-sign the mortgage with her (MIL wanted a lower rate given for first-time homebuyers). My MIL transferred money (I don’t know how much) into my wife’s foreign bank account and had my wife make the purchase. My wife insists my MIL will make the mortgage payments and rent it out. I don’t know how much my wife paid with her own money.
Am I right to really upset about this? I feel hurt for several reasons:
- My wife never really helped me with my language classes, she never wanted to practice with me or look over my homework, I felt like her friends were more interested in my progress than she was. But getting property is more urgent?
- I feel we should have prioritized me getting permanent residency but she didn’t see the necessity of it. Shouldn’t she want me to feel secure and at home with her? Shouldn’t being with your spouse take priority over property?
- Her mom used her for the rate for first-time homeowners, so now we cannot use it ourselves. And IDK, I thought there would be something romantic about us making this decision together on where to buy.
- Although my MIL will make the mortgage payments, my wife is still on the mortgage, so that could hurt her (and by extension me) if my MIL defaults. I feel this will be my problem one day if MIL stops making the payments.
- My MIL had my wife invest in her restaurant, and my wife sends money to her parents every paycheck to support her. I was fine with this. But I am gradually feeling too financially entangled with my in-laws and my wife isn’t setting boundaries. I feel spouses should support each other’s decisions, if one person says no then they don’t do it.
My wife insists we won’t make the payments, so it’s nothing out of our pockets, but it still feels like a major financial decision made without my consent. What do you think?
TL;DR!: my wife wanted to buy a condo in her home country, I wasn’t ready, she co-signed the mortgage anyway with the MIL