Been married for 12 years. No cheating or any crazy drama other than i lost a bit of money gambling on stock options. Ive been 2 years clean from gambling and attended gamblers anonymous. I know I’m not the greatest husband. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and definitely don’t make us wealthy. Have an easy job with great benefits, but the pay isn’t as much as my wife makes. Long story short my wife and I have been pretty distant. She’s in politics and Im a very easy going enjoy life while we can kind of guy. She is 100% committed to endless productivity especially with our kids. They must learn three languages and study all summer. Im wayyyy more laid back. Recently we were joking around and she said literally, “don’t worry youre stuck with me. Im only in this marriage for the health insurance.” We have two great kids who both absolutely adore me so I’ve never thought about divorce. But now, I don’t know. That hit pretty hard. Its no secret that my wife is pretty angry and mean, but she’s never really let that slip before. Just wondering if its even worth it to keep trying. We’ve been to marriage counseling twice now.
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Counseling only shows what the obvious is . . You must stay together for the kids you also need to man up a bit.
You have to answer that for yourself
It sounds like she was joking? A bad joke, sure, but a joke? I’m sure she can get good health insurance without you, lol.
That said, if you’re unhappy, leave. You guys sound really incompatible, honestly.
Sounds like you two aren’t compatible?
What did you say back in that moment? That would be very upsetting to hear and would make me question it. If you’re not in love what’s the point
You don’t even bother pretending you love her either in your post. You’re both staying together out of convenience. If she’s in politics she can get her own health insurance. And if your kids adore you, go fight for equal custody. 2 happy homes are way better than 1 unhappy one.
In politics where? America? Cuz doesn’t she have free good healthcare then?
Stick it out. Find a side hustle and make extra money. Don’t grovel and don’t apologize.
No
In isolation, I’m prepared to believe it was a bad attempt at a joke. I get the impression that other stuff is going wrong, and my first impulse in your position would probably be saying something like “Are you seriously saying that you don’t want to be here?”
You said you were joking around when she made that statement, but it might be time to sit down and have a serious talk with her. If what she said reflects how she truly feels, then maybe this relationship isn’t worth holding onto.
If what she said is true, wait until the next election. Ditch her and publicly expose her.
I don’t see how she doesn’t have her own health insurence if she has a better job?
Also, why do you only talk about your contribution to the marriage in monetary terms? What do you dp besides not gamble and be laid back? Are you also ‘laid back’ when it comes to taking care of the kids and household chores?
And there seems to be absolutely no love towards her. If it’s just both of you settling, at least makes sure you add something to the partnership then.
Divorcing isn’t the best thing for kids, but neither is having parents in a loveless marriage. What is best is for you to decide what you want. How happy are you now or could you be if you put in a little effort? Is it enough to satisfy you?
Do your children want or enjoy to learn three languages?
Protect them from a perfectionist parent who primarily values accomplishments. I grew up studying math all summer for dad. Wasn’t positive.
Real questions:
1- If her job is so much better, why is she on your insurance?
2- Why are you with someone who treats you like shit and degrades you?
All I have to read is the question. Even if you don’t build up a ton of resentment towards one another. You don’t want your children to grow up around a passive aggressive loveless marriage because they will repeat the pattern. I want my daughter to see me and my 2nd wife and what a healthy relationship looks like and because I don’t hate her mother and my first wife I want her to see that 2 people can get divorced and not act like petulant children that hate each other.
No. That is not fair to you or anyone involved.
You think she might be pretty “angry and mean” because you gambled away the families money? And because “you’re not that great of a husband?” Besides cleaning yourself up from addiction (which you also get the benefit of), what have you done to win back her trust and respect? Calling out that your kids “absolutely adore you” comes across as narcissistic. Of course they do, you’re their father but you are not helping them any by being a bad husband. You really have screwed things up but don’t really seem to take more than flippant responsibility for it. It sounds like she should divorce you.
Congratulations on going to marriage counseling. 2 times is just the start, so keep at it! If she didn’t want to be with you, she probably would have left or cheated, so keep that in mind. It does seem like you resent her (a little bit) for being the breadwinner in the relationship and that’s not cool. You need to work on that. These are modern times! You could be the trophy husband who makes her life easier and gives her all the love she needs, and vice versa.
Honey, you’re putting up with an angry and mean wife. That’s crazy ain’t no way I would stay with that. There are people who are nice and enjoyable don’t ruin your own life.
No intelligent person stays together for the kids.
No
Are you ready to deal with a court order for custody, visitation, and child support?
Leave. Life is too short to just go through the motions. Just keep it civil and tell her you both deserve to feel love.
Could you be… Joking?
Counselling!
“I’m hyper critical of her while I sit back and do nothing as the ‘fun’ parent, and at one point pissed away a ton of our money, I don’t know why she resents me!!! I’ve tried nothing and I’m out of ideas!”
Hey OP
I’d say your wife made the comment in “jest”. But as the saying goes, there is many a true word said in jest. Basically people revealing their true thoughts that they might otherwise filter.
Sounds like you’re at a cross roads and need to seriously think about what you both are getting out of this relationship.
You’ve admitted to not being the best husband, and are dealing with your addictive type responses. But are you dealing with whatever else makes you think you are a bad husband?
We’re all flawed, so I assume your wife also works on her short comings? Probably not, because she exhibits those flaws that are valued in the work place.
Go see a therapist, we all deserve to strive for peace and happiness. If you aren’t getting what you want from the relationship then you and the wife definitely need to be communicating about things.
Given her high profile in her career you’d be a candidate for primary care of the kids. But given your wives type A personality she’d definitely still want them doing 3 languages and generally being over achievers. So you’ll still have to deal with that.