TLDR: Nothing I say or do is right and she ascribes motives to me than are not mine. I cannot reason her out of it, she doesn’t want to go to counselling and we have youngish kids. I need to find mental strategies to get through the next 10 years as pleasantly as possible.
The longer version:
I had a long string of relationships where my girlfriend wanted to make me better in some way or I chose them because they loved their life in some way that I thought I should. I was constantly being improved or looking to improve myself.
About a dozen years ago, I met a woman who I respected and was attracted to and strangely enough was happy with me being who I am. My usual inquiring if it was cool if I did X or Y was met with a “You be who you are” and a smile.
We got married, had kids, got a house, changed jobs, and survived the pandemic and here we are. I don’t want to be here though. Along the way, her views of me changed.
I don’t know when it started, but I know when I recognized it. Years ago, she was changing the first kid as we were getting ready to go and meet some friends and I made a joke about how long it takes to change him (I did about 30% of the changes with the first and 90% with the second). She blew her stack at me. She accused me of being unsupportive and callous and asked if I really wanted the relationship. It seemed to come out of nowhere. It took weeks to make up, but it was never really resolved and comes up to this day.
About six years ago, she started getting randomly jealous. I grew up with lots of neighbours so I always chat with them even though I’m not really gregarious. It’s just what you do. She confronted me one day, claiming that I had a crush on a significantly older woman on the other side of the block. I didn’t, but it took her ages to move on. But she never accepted my explanation that it was all just small talk. One time, I went to go fill up the car with gas at night and there was a line for the pumps. She confronted me when I got home, demanding to see my phone and demanding to know where I went. She backed down off of that one more quickly. More recently, there’s a parent of a kid who is in the same basketball camps as our youngest. I chatted with her once, mentioned the chat to my wife, and then she started grilling me whenever I dropped the kids off at camp. I refuse to do the drop offs now.
Talking with her about basic stuff is near impossible. I’m either asking too much by talking about options or assuming too much by presenting a plan. I’m now avoiding most conversations and just bearing the criticism of being a disengaged partner. It’s a simpler fight and seems to be what she believes anyway.
Counselling isn’t an option. She won’t go. Full stop. We went once and she blatantly lied about how things were.
Divorce is financially unbearable and I think I can put on enough of a pleasant face for the kids to mask the turmoil. The kids are my priority and, to be frank, given her delusional views, I’m not comfortable with her being alone with the kids for an extended period of time especially as they grow older and get more independent and rebellious and actually do go somewhere they are not supposed to be.
I have to get through the next ten years of providing for the kids and making a stable and loving home for them while also weathering hostility from my wife. I’ve convinced her to save the arguments for after the kids are in bed.
I need tips on putting on a happy face and letting her criticism and unreasonableness roll off me like water off a duck’s back. People have stayed with abusive partners and partners with addictions and unfaithful ones. I know I can stick with this. I just need more tools in my toolkit. Anybody done this? Got any tips?
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I’m concerned at how you seem to be putting 100% of the blame on her. I’m not saying that in some kind of “girl power” way. It’s just that… we’re human. You’re human. You seem to genuinely believe that you’re flawless and have contributed nothing negative to the dynamic, and that she’s just crazy. It seems super “sus” as my kids would say.
> About six years ago, she started getting randomly jealous.
Is it possible that she’s been cheating?
I think that, if you’re really committed to (or stuck in) being in this marriage, therapy for you individually might help you with some of the coping skills you’re looking for. Absolutely do not do therapy via video call anywhere that she can hear you though because she could and probably would try to overhear what you were saying and use that against you in arguments.
I would also suggest that you at least talk to a divorce lawyer if you can, not to actually get a divorce but to understand what it would look like in your state, how old kids have to be before their wishes are taken into consideration for custody, what kind of behaviors to do or not do over time in order to make things go easier for you when you do eventually get there.
JFC do not stay for the kids! Your wife is an insecure AH. You need to divorce her for your kids sake. Your kids are learning about relationships from you two. Do you want them to think this is normal? Do you want them to treat or be treated like this by their future SO?
Not making any diagnoses, but my husband has ADHD/ASD, and this kind of automatic defensiveness and worst-case assumptions can be a symptom of both disorders, so I just wanted to say that I deeply understand how much it wears you down. To the point that complete emotional detachment feels like the only survival mode. (Therapy helped me a lot to learn how I was feeding into certain cycles, and I think I’m a much more zen spouse now but therapy can’t fix harmful behaviors from the other person.)
One, without medication and therapy for her, it’s not going to get better. I can’t say which mental health issue she has, but if you don’t feel safe having her around the kids, there is probably something that needs to be addressed.
Really make your kids your focus. Love them, protect them, be genuinely happy to spend time with them. Make friends with their friends’ parents, and create a support system for when you need a sitter or someone to help pick up your kid from practice. Be careful to keep it professional, but don’t let your wife’s mental health prevent you from taking care of your children.
Keep in mind that you aren’t required to give way more energy into a relationship than you are getting back. It’s ok to cut the expectations of romance if it feels like a chore you resent. Be kind roommates if that means treating each other better as humans.
If safety is as big of a fear as you are saying (and I get this completely), then you need to start taking notes quietly. Days and times where the children were neglected or unsafe. Just keep a log in case you ever really need it.
Stay active in your community so that you can get your social needs met outside the marriage. Do social activities that involve your kids as much as possible. When you are overall more happy, it’s easier to let the hard moments slide off your back.
Be honest. That’s not what you’re asking. You’re asking how to put on a happy face and fake it. We all know how to do that, and you do too. It’s called lying.
What you’re really asking is if it’s OK to leave her over this, and you don’t need anybody’s permission.
I grew up with unhappy parents. Things got much better after they divorced.
I can’t tell you to stay and “put in a happy face”. Your kids are going to absorb the tension and hostility. They are going to grow up watching a loveless relationship and thinking that is normal. They are going to learn that the way you and your wife relate is what “love” is supposed to look like, and they will seek that for themselves. Think about that. You cannot teach them about healthy relationships if you don’t have one.
I grew up with parents who stayed together “for the kids”. It was awful. My mom was rather like your wife. I knew she didn’t love my dad, and I watched him suffer. Some of my friends’ parents divorced, and after some adjustments, they got to have two (or four!) happy parents.
You may not want to divorce…but you deserve to be happy, not just putting on a brave face. Uncomfortable truths are healthier than a life of lies.