TL;DR:
Been with my wife for 9 – 10 years, married for 2 – 3. Relationship’s been emotionally toxic at times, and lately things are breaking down completely. She’s admitted she’ll continue lying to me, we don’t live together anymore, and she’s been spending time at her ex-husband’s (who she said was toxic) visiting their son (which she never has done before in over 10yrs). Despite everything, I now find myself hoping they reconnect. Because if she’s not happy with me, maybe she can find it with someone she once loved. I just want her to be happy.
Hi everyone. I’m just looking for some outside perspective because I’ve been stuck in my own head about all of this.
Me and my wife have been together for around 9 to 10 years, and married for 2 to 3. Our relationship has always been full of ups and downs, and to be honest, looking back, a lot of it has been toxic.
In the earlier years, we would say hurtful things to each other during arguments – meant to wound. If she said something that really cut deep, I’d fire something equally painful back at her. It wasn’t physical, but emotionally it definitely wasn’t healthy. That cycle of hurting because we were hurt kind of became the norm for a while.
More recently, things have shifted again. She’s been going through a lot personally (I won’t go into details for privacy), and that’s obviously had an impact. On top of that, we don’t live together anymore, which has put even more strain on the marriage. Distance doesn’t exactly help when things already feel fragile.
She told me she would keep trying. That she’d put effort in and work on things. But honestly, I’m not really seeing that effort. It feels like I’m the only one holding onto the idea of fixing things, and it’s starting to wear me down.
About a month and a half ago, she was going through something really difficult. During that time, she became very distant. She didn’t want to talk to me much, didn’t really give any reassurance about where we stood as a couple, or whether we were still working on our marriage. It felt like I was completely shut out. I felt neglected, abandoned etc. Really low part of my life mentally.
That distance started to really affect my mental health. I reached a pretty low point and decided to be completely honest with her. I told her that, while I hadn’t done anything, I had thought about forming a connection with someone else. Not out of revenge, but because I was feeling incredibly neglected and emotionally abandoned. It wasn’t her fault for going through what she was dealing with. But at the same time, I needed some kind of connection, some sign that I still mattered. And in that moment, I didn’t feel it.
Understandably, she didn’t take it well. But again, I didn’t act on the thought. I just admitted the thought during a weak, vulnerable moment. Since then, we’ve been trying to repair things… but now, it feels like we’re stuck in a cycle. Every week or two, we fall out. Sometimes it’s her anger issues flaring up, other times it’s me saying things I shouldn’t when I’m hurt. Then she stops speaking to me, doesn’t want to see me, and after a few days of silence, we patch it up and try again.
A couple of weeks ago, she told me she wanted to end the marriage for good. Later, she said she only said it out of anger. The next week? Same thing. Said it again – then backtracked again. Last night, she told me she did want to work on things, but also wanted to focus on fixing her mental health too.
I was honest. I told her I don’t think we can repair this marriage while she’s in the middle of that process. But I still agreed to try. And… surprise surprise, it just didn’t work. We argued again (my fault). Now she’s not talking to me. Again.
Yesterday, she told me point blank that she has lied to me. Will continue to lie to me. That crushed me. I already had insecurities and trust issues, and hearing her openly say she’s just going to keep lying completely shook me. There’s something bizarrely honest about saying that out loud… but also something deeply hurtful. How can I rebuild trust when the person I’m trying with isn’t even planning to be truthful?
And now she’s will be spending more and more time at her ex-husband’s house seeing her son. For years, she told me how toxic he was. How he played with her mental health and manipulated her. Even told me yesterday similar. But now she’s going around there again, and at the same time, becoming even more distant with me.
As strange as it sounds… I kind of hope the two of them realise they still have feelings for each other.
When we got together, she told me she was single. Later, I found out – from him – that they were still married and trying to work things out, just living apart. I had no idea. If I’d known, I never would’ve gone near that situation. And I’ve carried guilt ever since, feeling like maybe I played a part in breaking up a family.
So maybe this is a chance to put things right? Maybe this is their second chance? And even though her ex says he doesn’t want to be with her again, I think he’s just protecting himself. I think there’s still love there. It’s just buried under pain and defensiveness.
If there’s even a chance they could reconnect, laugh again, remember the good times they once shared… I genuinely hope they take it. I just want her to be happy, even if that happiness isn’t with me.
I have tried talking to her about this before and she just shut me down and called me things. I talk to her ex husband alot as I take my son to meet his brother. He messaged that ‘he was good thanks lol’ – but hoping that was a response to his defensiveness.
Time will tell.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I guess what I’m really asking is…
How do you know when it’s time to stop trying? And how do you let go of someone you love, especially when you’re still tangled up in guilt, hope, and hurt?
Any advice or shared experiences would be really appreciated.