We’ve been married for six years. I thought I knew everything about her. We’ve had our rough patches like any couple, but nothing ever made me question the foundation of our relationship. Until last night.
We were just talking before bed, nothing serious, and out of nowhere she told me that during our first year of marriage, when I was working long hours trying to build our future, she reconnected with her ex. She said it wasn’t physical but admitted it got emotional. She even thought about leaving me for him.
She claims she cut it off before anything happened, but she also told me that she used to lie next to me and wonder what life with him would be like. That completely broke me.
That first year I was drained all the time, doing everything I could to make sure we were okay. I had no idea she was unhappy or even talking to someone else. And now, all these years later, she drops this on me and says she wants to move forward with honesty.
She says she’s never felt more committed to me than she does now. But I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep going over everything in my head, wondering what else she kept from me.
Is this something people actually move past? Am I being too stuck on something that’s long over?
I need advice. Please.
Comments
> Am I being too stuck on something that’s long over?
It was an emotional affair and you just found out about it. You’re not “too stuck” you are just trying to process your emotions.
If you decide to forgive your wife then you should both seek couple’s counseling so that you can work through what happened.
There has to be more to this. Why would she now … after all this time … stick this in your face? You might want to try to figure out what’s really going on.
“And now, all these years later, she drops this on me and says she wants to move forward with honesty.”
Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are certainly understandable.
But to be honest, in my opinion, her desire to move forward “with honesty,” is extremely good news.
The first thing you have to ask yourself is whether you want to preserve your marriage.
That is obviously a decision that only you can make.
Meantime, I can think of a couple of ways of going about this. The first is for you to simply have a calm, quiet conversation with her and ask her to help you understand exactly what was going on that first year. Don’t criticize her, just tell her that you feel very lost and confused, and you would like some clarity.
The second option might be to explore some sort of marriage counseling, or speak with a mediator.
If she is indeed committed to you the way she describes, then she will welcome the opportunity to help you heal and to repair whatever damage has taken in place to your marriage.
I think she felt a lot of regret and as we mature we begin to realize the different levels of our emotional intimacy. She has finally reached a new level with you and has passed that level where you might ask what if. It’s actually a good thing. I can’t imagine that you think that your relationship is ever perfect or written out like a fairy tale. Certainly in some areas they may be perfect, but there’s always flaws and others. I don’t think that you should read into it too much to wear out or sabotage your relationship, she wondered and continued to choose you. Sure your relationship was tested, but she’s not admitting to physically ever cheating on you. This is not to say that she did a good thing, she didn’t however, you’ve had many years together and I’m sure she’s forgiven you from many things along the way. Relationships aren’t straight forward and finding a good partner is difficult but of course this is your choice. She chose you, who will you choose?
All I’m saying is don’t let your pride get in the way, stay grounded and try to understand
Firstly, id like to say – keep your chin up brother. From the sounds of it you have a lot going on and its important to remember there is a light at the end even if you don’t see it now. 👊
Secondly, I dont want to be the one who tells you this, but yes your wife had an emotional affair. And while she did that, its not necessarily the end. In that first year you said you was away alot ect, and while that isnt an excuse it is a reason. Your wife has also told you she stopped it. (Yes, agreed – it should never have started in the first place)
What this sounds to me is first year jitters. Panic, anxiety and fear at making the right or wrong LIFE long decision. And while its not okay for your wife to reach out to someone else nevermind an Ex, its probably more common than one would imagine.
I actually sincerely hope you and your wife do make it through this. I dare say if you do, your relationship will flourish in ways it never did before.
Side note – Forgiveness is a real tricky thing to ever truly give to someone. Just remember, mistakes are a part of humanity, without them growth isnt possible.
Dump her and let her go be with him, you deserve better
she longed for him. she “connected” with him emotionally, but it really sounds like it was physically as well. it was easy to do, and they probably connected a few times. they probably still communicate to this day
I wouldn’t be able to move past it. She lied to you for an entire year and fantasized about a life with someone else and in your first year of marriage?! Then just springs it on you one night 6 years later like it’s no big deal because I’m committed to you now? I’m not so sure that she is. And it’s a very big deal! Whether it was emotional or physical it’s still a betrayal of trust. Which obviously to her isn’t that big of a deal. There could be a lot of things like this she hasn’t told you. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this!
I’m sorry but as a female the first idea that popped into my head is that the relationship with her ex just ended. She must be feeling guilty to bring it up. No way this was just out of the blue has been on her mind and something changed for her to call attention to it.
I think it took a lot of courage for your wife to come clean with this, means she really loves you and the secret was eating at her all these years. She wants to continue with a clean conscience. It’s up to you if you want to move on or move past, but I always thought that everyone deserves a second chance. Reconnect with her, seek counseling and let her prove you her feelings are real and regain your trust.
Wow that’s a big bomb she dropped on you. It will take time for you to work through your emotions on this and hopefully therapy can help
You will never ever ever forget this. never. This shit will eat you from the inside everything the word ex will be spoken
Couples counseling. Now.
I lost my last GF this way. Working and then trying to do a second gig after. Meaning spending alot of time emotionally unavailable. So whatever you where doing I am sure you where doing it for you and her. But women are strange man. They don’t acknowledge the struggle men do and are willing to do for their partner and family. All they feel is emotionally neglected. She felt emotionally neglected so she turned to someone who she knew would fill that void. All I am going to say is if you love her and want to stay with her, fully interpret why she did what she did and don’t just look at the “betrayal”. Goodluck <3
There’s no point to this other than to appease her sense of guilt. She’s completely over it but for you it’s fresh. You need time to process this and also time to forgive her. Is this something you can just bulldoze past? The trust has been broken and it needs to be repaired. Why does that burden suddenly fall on you? Not fair at all. The question goes back to her timing. Why now? What are you supposed to do with this? If you don’t have kids, you be looking for an exit.
I don’t at all understand why now she’d bring this up. Of course you’re upset. For you this is happening NOW! I would 100% need time to process this – it would break me if my husband told
Me something like that now
You need to leave… She never got over her ex . The only reason she’s with you it’s because things didn’t go as planned with him . You’re #2 in her heart and mind .
Tough spot you’re in my friend.
Your feelings are definitely justified not just due to the revelation or timing but the way it was delivered to you by your wife like a package you didn’t even order at your door step so you should just sign here and be glad you got it!
Counseling may be a good idea only if you know what you want to get out of it. And to know that you need to figure out what your feeling are? What’s really bothering you about the situation? Is it the emo affair it self? The hiding of it? Is it the fact that it was an ex? Is it the fact of not knowing what you would have done if you knew? The fact that your wife was planning a whole other life while you out with your sword and armor trying you best to make her proud? And now that she told you ,is she just expecting you to be grateful she chose you?
Sometimes it’s best to keep things to yourself.
Well she stuck it out and you won her over him. That’s a victory for you I suppose. At least she’s being honest now.
I’m sorry about this situation OP. Me personally I don’t believe it may have ended those years ago. Also out of the blue bringing it up like it is nothing and her little to no emotional response. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship after finding this out. Since if a emotional affair was hidden what else are you hiding and or not telling me now but will in another so many years. Literally gloating about it thinking I won’t do anything since it was so many years ago. Op leave this person.
I would ask yourself 1 question, has being married to her been worth it? If so, forgive her, nothing has really changed except she is more committed. I am a forgiving person and I commend her honesty and I believe her when she said she broke it off before it became physical. You don’t believe this? Then you have a problem
Sounds like the ex just got married or moved halfway around the globe. She wants those thoughts out of her mind and talking about it does this for her.
We all have unrealistic thoughts about other people. It is the human condition. But thoughts are like clouds, they move on and the weather changes. Examine your own thoughts. Some you should keep to yourself. Your wife trusts you with her thoughts, wow, such a compliment. I would value that and let her know it.
Couples therapy. You feel like her second choice. But why after all these years would she bring it up? That’s the question in my mind? Why now?
She was an idiot sharing that.
Nobody feels that guilty over “emotions.” She was getting it in, and probably just stopped recently, leading to this confession.
Read the book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’. It discusses betrayal trauma like what you are experiencing now. For you, this just happened yesterday.. not years ago like for her and her reaction to your reaction is incredibly despicable and without nearly enough empathy. As if your feelings do NOT matter here.
If she did this and confessed almost immediately it would be easier to deal with. Someone who could do this and carry it for 5 years as if nothing had happened would give me pause about a future with them.
I think you can understand here in this way like your first year with ur wife she thinks she won’t be settled with u and she is afraid to not a suitable familly with u but if u refuse to understand here like that the best choice is to leave here bc she can have some secret that did’nt confess abt it
In my opinion, what your wife did wasn’t about coming clean. It was about coming relieved. That confession wasn’t love. It wasn’t healing. It was a long-delayed emotional dump to clean her conscience at your expense. And I don’t say that lightly. I’ve lived this. I’ve been the partner who found out after the fact, who had to sit with a smile someone wore while hiding the truth behind it. I’ve held it together while someone I trusted got to play both sides: be in the relationship and outside of it, emotionally. So no, I don’t think her confession was noble. I think it was selfish.
Let’s be clear: emotional affairs aren’t minor. They are betrayals. They mean she let someone else into the parts of herself that were supposed to be yours: her dreams, fears, daydreams. She let someone else take up space in her heart while sharing your bed. And then she hid it for years. That’s not an “oops.” That’s a long-term deception. What’s worse is the timing. Dropping that on you like a bedtime story? That’s not respect. That’s control. She wanted to unburden herself and leave you alone with the pain right before sleep, no less. Who does that to someone they say they love?
In my opinion, this isn’t about a marriage problem. This is a personal character problem. That kind of secrecy and emotional double life comes from dysfunction inside her, not dysfunction between you. So no, couples therapy is not the first step. The first step is individual therapy. She needs to figure out why betrayal felt like a reasonable choice, why secrecy felt safer than honesty, and why she thinks “owning it now” somehow makes it noble.
You, on the other hand? You need trauma-informed counseling. This is betrayal trauma, plain and simple. That brain fog, that spinning, the sleepless nights? That’s your nervous system trying to process shock. I don’t care how “mild” she tries to make it sound your brain just learned it’s been lied to for years. That’s not something you shake off. That’s something you treat.
Psychologically, you’re likely experiencing cognitive dissonance. Your mind is trying to make sense of two versions of the woman you married. The one you trusted, and the one who did this. That confusion is natural. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. And let me say this directly. You didn’t cause this. She did. Don’t let some well-meaning therapist turn this into a “communication breakdown.” She crossed a line, built a home on top of it, and pretended everything was fine. That’s not a miscommunication. That’s a violation.
Later, if she does real work and I’m talking deep, consistent, uncomfortable self-examination then maybe you two can go to counseling together. But only with someone who knows how to handle post-infidelity power imbalances. Someone who understands this isn’t a both-sides situation. Someone who won’t make you carry half the weight for her mistake. She says she’s “all in” now? Okay. Then she needs to get in therapy, not your bed, until she can prove it. You say you want to fix this? Fine. But not at the cost of your sanity.
Between now and dead, do you really want to wonder what else she’s hiding? Or do you want to wake up next to someone who sees your trust as sacred and protects it like a life depends on it? Because I know what I’d choose now. I wish I had chosen it sooner.
I just want to add I have never heard of a person being one hundred percent honest about an affair all at once. It is always trickle truth. OP should prepare himself to find out it was more than emotional later down the road.
Now she is totally in to you. You won her confidence and gave her emotional safety.
So she is saying this to you. Six years is long time but you should look forward not backward.
It is also ok to be upset. Water over the bridge.
All your hard work in supporting the family has paid off.
Honesty in a relationship is important.
Have you thought about other woman briefly?
Do you watch porn?
Asking this question not to shame you. Just to see if there is a balance you can strike it off.
She should have kept that shit to herself. Bad move. Very bad move.
She brought it up because she feels guiltier about it than she ever has before, because she feels so much closer to you than she did at that time. Because she’s more grateful for you than she was at that time.
Imho it would probably have been better for both of you had she continued to carry the guilt and not burdened you with this information. But as hard as this was to hear, as much as this shakes your idea of the past, I think in a weird way it actually says good things about the current state of your relationship
Do not let her tell you to move on. She cheated. She confessed because she feels guilty, not because it is what’s best for you.
I’d maybe ask for some proof that this was what she says it was. She already lied to you for ten years with a smile on her disloyal face. Chances are good you don’t have all the details.
The fact that the wife came forward after so many years and becoming more committed to the relationship is a good sign. Long term relationship is like waves of up and down and how to survive through it and becoming stronger. Assuming what she said is true that this is only an emotional cheating, then I think you should both forgive and forget and continues to build on it. A relationship that can last 20 or 30 years will have multiple downs. I hope both of you can strengthen your trust level as this will kill you both in next few years since the foundation has been broken.
Move past it.
Update Me
I’d tell her you often lie in bed next to her and wonder what your life would have been like if you’d married a supportive and loyal woman.
She told you about it to free herself from the guilt that she felt keeping this from you. It sounds like she want a pat on the back from choosing you and failed to even consider your feelings. As far a you are concerned this just happened, it’s fresh. She is ready to move on but needs to slow down and walk with you.
Is she still acting remorseful or is she annoyed that this bothered you so much?
updateme
I wonder what you’ll find out in 6 more years.
Lying and an affair are pretty big deals to most people for good reason
She seemed way too random and casual for just coming out with it unexpectedly. I’d be worried that she is talking to him again and she herself is telling you so that it comes to a stop before she falls again.
Also, this was an emotional affair, meaning she cheated and you have every right to be upset.
For me, it would be irrelevant as to how good the marriage is going. Your version, thoughts and view of the marriage is NOT the same as hers. I can honestly say that I would be further than thinking about leaving. I would be executing my exit.
Edit: also, while you were working so hard for her and your future. She decided she was going to betrayed you and cheat.
Not only did she cheat, but it wasn’t with some random guy she met at a bar or somewhere. She went back to an ex. That was thought out, considered and acted upon fully knowing what she was doing and where it was going.
I almost feel like he should reach out to the ex and find out the last time he had contact with his wife.
A relationship should be built on honesty, don’t lie and then spill the beans years later… that’s rude.
Understandable that this left you thinking differently about her, that would be a normal response, she has been thinking about this for the past 6 years but never brought it up because she knew it would change things forever, and she’s probably right.
just wanted to say that whatever ur feeling rn especially replying to these comments are valid like another person said shes processed it but u literally found out yesterday.