My wife (F40) and I (M38) have been together for 19 years, married for 13. We have two children (primary school aged), and a third on the way. We both run our own businesses, and between work, parenting, and keeping the household running, our lives are full.
One issue that has persisted throughout our relationship is a mismatch in sex drive. I’ve always had a high sex drive, daily or near-daily would be ideal for me. She, on the other hand, could comfortably go months without sex. Over the years we’ve talked about it, acknowledged the difference, and tried to find some kind of middle ground, but it always ends up sliding back into this same pattern.
Lately, intimacy has become even more infrequent. Anytime anything physical does happen, I’m the one initiating. While I understand that she’s tired and spread thin (and she really is the most selfless, generous person I know), I can’t help but feel unwanted when I initiate and it feels like an inconvenience to her. I end up feeling guilty for even bringing it up or trying. That emotional weight has been building, and I’m just not sure how to process it anymore.
We love each other deeply. We support one another fully, in parenting, business, and daily life. I help with the housework, am present and help out with the kids, and I take on extra whenever she needs space. I try to be present and emotionally supportive. I genuinely want to connect with her, not just physically but emotionally too. But the lack of sexual connection has started to really wear on me.
I don’t know how to bring it up again. We’ve been through this conversation many times over the past 19 years, and I’m worried she’ll feel like I’m pushing or pressuring her again. I also don’t want to shut down or withdraw emotionally, but it’s becoming harder to keep pretending this part of our relationship doesn’t matter to me.
So here’s what I’m looking for advice on:
Is this just a stage of life that we might grow through? How do couples in long-term relationships with mismatched libidos find peace or resolution that works for both? Is there something more I could be doing to help her feel safe and interested in rebuilding that connection, or to help myself cope in a healthy way if things don’t change?
If anyone has been through something similar or has suggestions for how to approach this without creating pressure or guilt, I’d really appreciate your insight.
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I’m a very similar situation. Here for the advice .
My husband and I got very pragmatic about it and agreed on how often we would do it. Granted it took a lot of the spontaneity out of it, but now we know that once per week, usually on a weekend morning, we will fool around. So the one party knows that at least once per week they will have sex, and the other party gets their head around it and deals with it as part of what you do to maintain the relationship. And then we move on and it isn’t an issue or a stressor for the rest of the week!
A couple of questions, when you say intimacy are you just talking about sex? Or are you talking about intimacy in general?
I can’t speak for all women, but a lot of women don’t go from zero to let’s have sex. Maybe try working on non-sexual intimacy if that is also lacking.
When you have had discussions about this in the past what has she said?
You say that you help out around the house etc, but have you asked your wife what she would like help with?
Men and women are different, not having a go, but I often find when my husband “helps” it’s not with the stuff I actually need help with, it’s with the things that he thinks I need help with. And sometimes that does cause frustration.
You have 2x kids and another one the way. Is your wife the primary carer? Overstimulation is real especially with mothers with young children because they are physically on you all the time. Sometimes this can’t be helped, but any occasion that you can give your wife that gives her physical space away from the kids is helpful.
Am I hearing that she is currently pregnant? I’m sorry I know sexual intimacy is very important to a long term relationship and does need to be addressed, but while she is pregnant does not seem to be the time….
As a wife and mom of a similar age, a lot of times sex can feel like one more task to do. It’s nothing personal, it’s just, she’s tired, both physically and mentally. If she likes massages see if she’ll be into a nice massage with no expectation from you. Like just give her a nice massage and compliment her body. If she seems receptive, go for it, if not, don’t push. Having low pressure intimacy will possibly make her feel more attractive and turn into her being more receptive in the long run
Check out r/deadbedroom.
What if you all made Friday or Saturday night date night? Is it possible for the kids to go to grandparents house over night or get a sitter long enough for dinner? Then, that night you have sex. Maybe you all could be flirty with each other through the day and know that sex will happen that night. I agree with what the above said about it’s hard for a woman to go from 0-sex and that scheduling it takes some of the spontaneity out of it, but this way, you’d both know that that night will be sexy time for mom and dad. And if the kids aren’t at home, you don’t HAVE to go out unless you want to. You all could have a romantic night in with dinner, give each other a massage, and lead up to sex. If you have to get a sitter, send each other flirty texts through the day, go to dinner and flirt with each other, and when the kids go to bed, be together. Bring it up to her by saying you miss her and yall having alone time together and how would she feel about a date night once a week ( or however often is good for you two). I went through what she is in my late 30’s and my husband felt like you did. We couldn’t have children, so we didn’t have to worry about them being in the house, but we started doing a date night and it helped us. Then, when I turned 40, a switch flipped and I was the one chasing him around.
I found a Dr /nurse practitioner who works with hormone replacement therapy. I decided on insertable pellets because I didn’t want to mess with creams or patches, insurance doesn’t cover this.
It has brought back my sex drive, a complete fountain of youth. Some women never think to ask their doctors to check their hormone levels. My testosterone level is now up at 250, when I started 8 years ago it was at 22.
Mate get with the majority of males on the face of this planet, we are nearly all in the same boat, I’m surprised kids still get conceived, too many women associate a wedding ring with the sex switch, ring goes on the finger the switch for the sex goes to the off position