It’s not a slang word that gets used these days… a “frenemy” is someone who acts friendly despite a secret dislike or rivalry. About 8 years ago a newly-remarried woman (40F) moved into our stable suburban neighborhood with her blended family. She immediately attached herself to my wife (42F), who was very active in the school social circles for our children. In hindsight I (43M) believe this sudden friendship was to leverage what she perceived as my wife’s popularity. The new friend was/is loud, bossy, and immature. She puts off big “main character” energy that her lack of charisma can’t sustain, a frustrated Queen Bee wannabe. The first time I met her she was gossiping about one of the teachers in our school, which turned me off immediately. We gradually found out she re-married about a year after her divorce to a man she’d only known for around 9 months. Seemed like it was more to spite her ex-husband than out of true love. Her marriage and relationship with her stepson soon became rocky in a public way. Multiple separations from husband, stepson kicked out of house, etc. Despite all of this, she and my wife developed a sort of co-dependent relationship. She would lavish my wife with praise but also with a lot of unsolicited advice. I frequently came home from work to her car in our driveway, she and my wife deep into a bottle of wine talking about the difficulties of family life. It slowly infected our marriage as my wife subconsciously mimicked her friend’s frustrations out of empathy. The friend also became more controlling, boxing out other friendships that my wife and daughter had (her daughter is in the same grade as mine) to monopolize their time, and even tracked my wife on Life360. At neighborhood parties or school events that we all attended she would introduce herself as, “I’m her best friend”. Not “She’s my best friend” but “I’M her best friend”, a subtle but eerie difference and presumption (my wife has never referred to her as her best friend). I always kept her at arm’s length and could tell it drove her crazy that I couldn’t see what a great person she is (sarcasm).
About 2 1/2 years ago she turned suddenly on my wife. She tore into my wife in their mutual friend group texts and cut off contact over a perceived slight (she wanted my wife to try a marriage therapy she was doing that we didn’t need & was also upset about a new friendship my wife had). A handful of the friend group went with her. The rest didn’t want to “pick sides” but generally stuck with my wife. It was very upsetting for my wife for six months or so. For the last two years the “frenemy” has been completely out of our lives.
She has now come back in. The friends who went with her eventually dropped her. Her daughter (probably at her mom’s prompting) resumed her friendship with my daughter (which I have no issues with, she’s a sweet kid who has been through a lot and needs good company), so now the “Frenemy” is increasingly showing up to our activities to socialize. There has been no real change – she is still loud and obnoxious, shamelessly trolls for gossip. No apology, no ackowledgement of her behavior toward my wife.
My wife feels she must forgive her, let her back in our life, and act as if nothing ever happened. Our other friends are also allowing her back in. I find that her presence at any event diminishes my enjoyment of the event. I don’t want anything bad for her, I just want her to stay out of our lives. She goes out of her way to try to talk to me as if to show everyone it is all water under the bridge and when I can’t avoid it I am polite and cordial but as cold as my conscience allows me to be. I just don’t want to encourage her at all. I try to treat everyone with dignity and respect, but it is a struggle with her. I just feel like she will turn on my wife again, with even worse consequences next time. Thoughts on how to keep her at bay without a lot of drama?
TL;DR: a close friend of my wife’s betrayed her 2.5 years ago and is now trying to worm her way back in to our social circle. My wife and I disagree on how to handle it – she is open to re-starting the friendship in a more limited way, I never enjoyed her company and think it will end badly.
Comments
The lady showed her true personality. Believe it. No way id wanna be friends with her again life is to short to deal with that shit.
You’ll probably feel better about the situation if you speak for yourself (rather than on your wife’s behalf) with your wife, and then decide together on what boundaries you will put in place with her. You can say to your wife,, “I don’t like her, and I don’t like the way she has treated you in the past. While I respect your desire to forgive and forget, I am not interested in having her as a friend. I do not want her in my house, and do not want her invited to any events or celebrations that we plan.” You can’t control what everyone else does or who shows up at school/community gatherings, but you set the rules for your house (along with your wife, of course).