This is going to sound so silly but I’m really frustrated. We’ve been married for 5 years now and have a great marriage but my god when it comes to getting gifts my wife is the worst at it.
We never really did gifts when we were dating because well we didn’t have much money, so a nice dinner was enough. Since then we both have really well paying jobs and are financially secure. I would always put thought into what I got her. I Listen for when she says a new book from her favorite author is coming out, when her favorite band is going to be playing near us, and whatever other things she mentions in passing that she wants. I do my research and for the most part, get her something she really likes or wanted.
With me it’s the most random items. I swear she just searches ‘gifts for guys’ online and gets whatever she finds on a list for me. She knows all my hobbies, my favorite sports teams, and my favorite bands but instead of getting me anything that has to do with those things I get something completely random. For my birthday last month she got me whiskey glasses and those metal cubes you put in the freezer. I don’t even really like whiskey that much!
Every Christmas, Valentines Day, anniversary, birthday I end up disappointed because I always get something that I can’t even really use and takes up space in the house. I have to act like I love it though (which probably isn’t helping) because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’ve even tried suggesting we make a shared list of things we both want and we can pick from them for whatever event is coming up but she doesn’t want to do that because it takes the fun out of finding a gift.
I love her SOOO much but man is it disheartening when it feels like she doesn’t even know me at all.
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Start showing her what you like, not being subtle. Show her something you’d want and say “wow that’s really cool. Great gift it would make” etc. my mom would leave empty bottles of her perfume to get my dad attention to buy her another for birthday/holidays. I understand it’s frustrating not getting a thoughtful gift. Explain how that means more than $$$$.
to be honest, id be so mad at you for lying this long lol. To be frank you made this worse for your self, ask her if you can return it for something you had on a list or really wanted! say you love it, DEAL with her being a little sad, but make it fun, you can be like lets do to starbucks, check out a store you like, Im so thankful for this gift, but i really wanted to get this instead, can we make a funday out of it for an exchange” and next time be super honest, hey If u want to get me anything I really really want something from the list! id be so happy if you got any of these! and be excited, and she will most likely listen but youre beating around the bush wayyy to much
I will never understand the relationship dynamic of pretending to like a gift from the person who is supposed to know you and understand you better than anyone else.
If my boyfriend got me a gift I didn’t like I’d be like 😬 baby what is this and we’d laugh about it and return it together and get something that made more sense.
Just nicely tell her that you are not going to use the gift she got you and ask if she can return it and you can pick something out together. And maybe try talking her through your gift buying process so she can learn how to buy better gifts
I grew up without birthdays or holidays or anything so I have never been good at gift buying so I make my boyfriend tell me what he wants and if he doesn’t tell me anything I get us a nice dinner or fun experience
Some people are just not good gift givers such as myself. I’m more inline with acts of service. I rather do things or favors for people to show my love. I’d also rather have someone do daily small acts of kindness rather than obligatory gifts during holidays. If I want something I’ll buy it myself instead. No need to waste money on something I might not like or use.
Talk with your wife about your love languages and come up with an agreement.
My wife has always been this way, but she knows she is bad at it. Amazon wish lists were created for a reason.
Gift-giving is a skill, and some people aren’t so good at it. That being said, a big part of it is just being thoughtful and really TRYING to find something the other person would like. It’s incredibly frustrating when you do your best to give thoughtful gifts and the other person doesn’t put in the same level of effort. I think you need to sit down and gently have a talk with your wife and let her know how you’re feeling.
Ugh I feel the same way. It’s not like he doesn’t know what I want. He just doesn’t think that hard about it. Half the time I end up getting something that’s secretly for him disguised as something we both will enjoy.
My advice is to just stop giving gifts. We just do very small things for each other now because we discussed it and it’s hard after you’ve been together for a while. Especially if you buy things for yourself sometimes.
This is annoying but have you considered making a list for her? My husband and I make lists and we decide what to get each other. I’ll pick out some additional things like clothes for him that I’ll think he’d like.
I’ll never understand why people refuse to be honest and communicate with their partners.
Make a list of things you’d like and lay it out where she’ll see it.
Also, why don’t you suggest a spring clean, gather up stuff you both don’t use and say “you know sweetheart, when it comes to birthdays, Christmas etc, why don’t we get one gift that we’d really love rather than buying gifts just for the sake of it. I promise to let you know beforehand and you can do the same ” So it sounds like you’re not wanting to be wasteful.
My fiancée and I have started giving each other a list of 3 things we want for birthdays/holidays and then we choose 1 gift to get the other off their list. Ensures we both get something we want and still has the element of surprise. Maybe you can subtly suggest something like this to her? Like “hey I saw this idea online and thought it could be fun for us to try”
I always used to be disappointed by my wife’s gifts, as they were always wrapped with absolute perfection in paper that was luxurious than my curtains, were expenisve or hard to get hold of, and also neither specific to me nor useful.
A couple of times I’d put something into her hands in the shop and tell her to buy it for me, and both times she put the item back and got me something similar but not fitting to the purpose I needed it for, so it would still be a surprise.
My wife would always be disappointed with what I got her because I would also pay attention all year to things she said she wanted, until I realized that her saying she wanted something was code for her saying she aspired to be the kind of person who would want such a thing, which she isn’t, and never will be.
However! After we discussed these issues we’ve both been a lot more accurate with getting each other welcomed gifts.
Now she gets me WoW stuff and I get her Chinese stuff, and we’re both happy.
I ask her what do you want for your birthday, give me a few examples then I pick one. As for me I always tell her that I like buying my own gift so no need to choose the wrong thing etc. I go out buy myself whatever I want then it’s over. I always tell her that I already got my own gift in mind and she can go with me to pick it up or to order it then we go out to eat.
Why don’t you ask each other like what do you want for your birthday?
My husbands birthday is coming up. Hey what did you want for your birthday, you were talking about that new game, or I could order you that subscription?
And then he tells me and I get it. Maybe there’s something small that I’m like hey he’d like this.
But I would much rather him tell me what he wants, so he gets what he wants. There’s no wondering or thinking of a gift. Or wondering if he likes it or not.
It’s like asking your kid for a Christmas list. You get them what they want and a few other little things.
But ya communication for what you want is huge.
One way I think you could avoid having the tough “I don’t like these gifts” conversation is by telling her you’re tired of accumulating items that you don’t use. You don’t have to say it directly in relation to her gifts, but you can make a point at a random time that you’re trying to avoid buying or receiving things you won’t actually use and are actively trying to declutter. Maybe say you would prefer sharing experiences instead and maybe she’ll get the hint
I’m on the other side of this equation- my husband always picks out the most thoughtful gifts for me; things I didn’t even think I needed or wanted but are perfect. I’m terrible at this but am trying to improve my gift-giving skills by keeping a running list on my phone of anything that I see him get excited about. Even if it’s an intangible thing that i couldn’t actually purchase for him I figure that maybe I could get him something that somehow ties into whatever it is. Am I ever going to be as skilled at gift-giving as him? Probably not. I think it’s a talent that some people have and the rest of us just have to put a lot more effort into doing right.
I hate buying things for people for this reason. The only thing that helps is buying early and trying to think of something they’d want but would buy for themselves.
My husband is brutally honest when it comes to gifts. Yes, he has hurt my feelings a few times but in this kind of situation there’s not a great way around that. You just have to trust that your partner is emotionally mature enough to accept constructive criticism and move on.
Now, I keep a list of what he wants and he gets nothing that’s not on that list. If he doesn’t tell me exactly what he wants, he doesn’t get it. I don’t accept hints or nudges; he has to say “I want…” or “put this on the list.”
It has taken the fun out if buying him gifts a bit but it’s more important to me that he gets what he wants.
My husband struggles a bit too. I just started telling him exactly what I wanted. Sometimes I even added it to the cart and send it to him.
Talk to her as others have suggested. If the next gift she gets you is still thoughtless get the one after that for her that’s equally awful. Does she vacuum or do you? If it’s her, maybe a vacuum cleaner that is not as nice as the one you already have. And if she points that out, tell her “But it’s a different color, you like orange don’t you?”. FYI in this scenario orange is her LEAST favorite color.
But I’m petty.
As a former bad gift giver, I really struggled with finding things to give my partner. My gifts often had a sentimental angle, which I felt would be understood and appreciated by my partner. Although he really liked a lot of those “thoughtful gifts” it wasn’t truly what he wanted. He had a conversation with me where he admitted that although the gifts were thoughtful, he had no use for a lot of the stuff I gave him and it just took up space. I felt bad he didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me the truth, but I really reflected on my gift giving skills and decided to make a change. From then on, we just make each other a list for birthdays, Christmas and anniversary presents either of us is. Sometimes we will take each other shopping or just order it together. We still get excited to receive these gifts. Why would you need surprises when you can get exactly what you want or need?
Since you have pretended to love the items in the past she is now going to feel blindsided when you tell her your feelings- which you should.
Honestly this is your fault. You should be mad at yourself for not communicating but it seems like you are growing resentment towards her. How is she supposed to know you don’t like the gifts she gives you if you pretend like you love them? She probably thinks she is doing a great job which she should because that is what you lead her to believe! Not everyone views gift giving the same. Just b/c you get ideas your way doesn’t mean her way is bad. I mean- why would she think it is bad if you have never told her.
This is all you. You need to sit down and communicate with her.. and apologize for not being honest with her in the first place.
I provide my wife pictures of exactly what I want to avoid this scenario. The same way she does with whatever skincare product she wants. It’s easier to shop with pictures. Instead of living with disappointment, help her out a little. Gonna show my age, but I remember as a kid I used to show my parents items in the Sears or Toys R Us Christmas catalogs that I wanted. You need to that level obvious.
“because it takes the fun out of finding a gift”
Lol it takes the fun out of her randomly googling “man gifts” 😂
I read something about how men think vs women. Women take hints and men do not – you have to tell men exactly what you want them to do and when – it sounds like you two are switched.
If i want my husband to get me something, i will send him an email with the link. We also both have Amazon wish lists and he can shop from there.
Sometimes women don’t take hints well. So, tell her – send her an email – ” if you’re thinking about getting me something for “holiday”, I’d love to have this. and include the link.
But talk to her before hand. tell her you love that she gets you gifts, but they’re not always what you would like or need. so, you’re going to make it easier for her. then email links or better yet, set up that amazon wish list.
I think you should be honest first and foremost, you’re doing yourself and her a disservice by pretending to like something you don’t. But also, why not make a list of things you want so she has something to go off of?
My boyfriend is kinda the same way, I’ve resorted to just sending him a list of things I’d want for my bday/valentine’s/Christmas and then he’d choose from there, that way it’s still random but I know I’ll enjoy it. I suggest you do something similar!
I think telling her upfront how much you dislike her gifts is the way to go. Regardless if she likes it or not make the list of things you want or are I trusted in. Tbh, it’s coming off more like she’s lazy and inconsiderate.
I can relate to this though. I hate buying gifts and preefer to give out gift cards. My husband put his foot down one year and told me how he felt like I didn’t care about him and that he rather have a $40 video game than a $100 gift card bc at least it’s more personal and he’d know i had his best interests at heart.
I felt so bad and now I ask ahead what he wants for Xmas, bday, valentines, etc. We also make lists for the other or send pictures of what we would like and let the other choose what they want to buy from that list. Tbh, it doesn’t take away the fun bc we still don’t know what the other is gifting only we have reassurance it’s something we would definitely like.
Why can’t you two just have a conversation…
I want for my birthday, or “don’t get me anything and let’s go instead”
???
Pretty straight forward. My SO and I tell each other what we want/what we want to do without any issue. Not all gifts need to be surprises? I don’t understand the issue. Don’t make a list of things- just say “I’d love __ for my birthday” and offer no other option.
That’s it.
My fiancés sister texted me under the guise of asking where I got my purse because she loved it. I sent her a link and what not. I was telling her that I want to buy more because it’s my favorite bag. Christmas comes, my fiancé got me a very cheapy not really that similar of a bag. Saying he couldn’t find the brand I like. I SENT A LINK lmao. I just use that bag to stuff my lipsticks into in order to organize my make up area lol now he actually saves the links I send him
This is a fault of your own making. You are an adult and can use your words. This should have been a convo as soon as you saw this pattern start developing
Hurt feelings would have lasted a small amount of time. Now she will know you’ve been lying to her for years.
Sorry, I was laughing so hard reading this — seriously, it cracked me up!
But I love how much you truly love your wife, it’s really sweet!
You should just tell her straight up what you want.
Like, “Babe, I’m kinda in the mood for something… I’ve been eyeing this thing lately.”
Just say it like that!
Still dying over the metal ice cube thing, haha.
Even though I’m single now, I used to always ask my boyfriend what kind of gift he’d like.
Or I’d try to guess based on what he might need.
Like, if his watch looked super old, I’d buy him a new one.
Or if his shoes were falling apart, I’d get him a new pair.
That kind of thing.
Ask her for something handmade. That might be more intuitive for her.
Have you told her any of this? That you don’t like her gifts.?
My husband either gives the best or worst gifts.
One Christmas he decided I would want a coffee station in our bedroom. This is because I like drinking “room coffee” at hotels, rather than get dressed and go out to a coffee shop. I’m lazy, but I’m not THAT lazy.
Then a couple of years ago, after I had been saying I was ready to start wearing real pants after years of yoga pants while I was a soccer mom, he literally bought me like $800 worth of yoga pants.
He’s bought me a pandora bracelet even though I have never shown any interest in it whatsoever, and a reallllly ugly purse when I wasn’t into purses at all.
All of it has gone back.
But he’s also given me really amazing and thoughtful gifts… when he listens. If I just accepted the gifts I didn’t want, we would be out the money and he would be wondering why I’m not using the hideous purse.
I’ve seen couples do things where they have a bunch of categories written on slips of paper and they have to each pull so many, and then buy things from the categories pulled. Maybe you could find a way to do something like that? Then she could still pick gifts but you could have some say in the categories.
She might be one of those people that asks Reddit, “What do men like for birthday gifts?,” and gets a dozen responses asking what the man in question enjoys in his free time. LOL. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Perhaps revisit your shared list situation, and agree to get one item from the list every.time. + one item that you find randomly?
My husband and I sometimes decide rather than individual gifts we buy something together we need or want. One Christmas we bought nice outdoor furniture another time we bought a fancy grill and smoker.