We have gotten into a routine. Get home from work, eat dinner, watch tv with the kids , put them to bed, watch tv until 9pm and she goes to bed.
We used to talk, cuddle, stay up late and have sex. I feel like she has slowly decided for the both of us that those things aren’t going to happen anymore. I’m so sick of rejection i don’t even bother anymore.
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Definitely talk with her . Otherwise you’re headed for living hell.
Do you have date nights? Can you arrange a sitter and go out together? (Don’t expect her to arrange the sitter and plan the date, because then you’re just assigning her work and that’s not sexy.)
Can I suggest that you take the initiative to change something besides just asking for sex? Like for example hire a babysitter and take her out on a weekly date? You pick the dates, do the mental work needed to reconnect and gave alone time together. Go to a nice restaurant once a month, a picnic in the park, bowling, hiking- what things do you enjoy doing together? You can change but it takes more than just saying someone else is accepting the status quo – being a mom is exhausting and it takes a lot of mental effort, give her time off to spend having fun together.
The only way to get over this hump is to get through it. Roommate syndrome is common in a lot of marriages. This is where opening the lines of communication is critical for the relationship. Don’t address things with “You always…” that will put her on the defensive and make her less likely to be receptive to what you are saying. Address it as “I feel when you .” By putting your emotions first, it will make her more receptive to what you are saying. Ideally, the listener-speaker format is the previous sentence, and then the listener replies with a repetition of what the speaker said. This way, the speaker knows that they are actually being heard, and if there are any miscommunications, it gives the speaker a chance to correct the record. And don’t forget about surface emotions vs core emotions. Just using what you wrote as an example, your frustration is the surface emotion. But the core emotion may be feelings of isolation or undesiredness.
you’re not a bad husband for missing the spark—you’re just tired of feeling like a roommate with a ring
this isn’t about sex
it’s about being chosen again
about not having every night feel like a rerun where connection flatlined and no one said anything
but here’s the thing—routines don’t kill marriages
silence does
you can’t fix this by waiting
you gotta disrupt it
call it out
not with blame, but with truth:
“i miss us—not just the sex, the intimacy”
either she leans in and starts rebuilding
or you get your answer
but stop dying quietly
wake it up—or walk
She is probably bored too. Talk to her about it.
I once saw a post about a guy who was close to cheating on his wife bc of the lack of affection and intimacy. Basically you. But instead of channeling his energy elsewhere he worked hard to win her back and made her/the relationship his priority. Women most of the time react to men. They don’t lead the relationship. So maybe take initiative and create an environment and atmosphere where she wants to engage with you
so you gave up and your mad at her for giving up? I’m not trying to be a dick, put in effort, show her you love her. She will return it, I promise.
Honey, stop posting on reddit.
And what have you done to put the spark back in your marriage aside from pester her for sex?
Do couples therapy. If she’s willing to do it for sake of the marriage, it’s salvageable. If she refuses and finds ways to try and get out of it then your marriage is over.
Say nice things to her in passing. Compliment her cooking, show her appreciation. Tell her you love her at unexpected times. Thank her for being a good mom. Maybe she just needs a little reminder of how you two used to be, before the kids. When there was cuddling and late night talks.
What are you actively doing to help with the rut?
Change things up, be sweet, court her, help in unexpected ways.
Tit for tatting about who does what is what roommates do, if you dont wanna be a roommate don’t act like one.
Treat her like you want her, not like you have her.
All you do is ask for boombayah time. She’s probably bored of YOU
Shake up the routine! İt’s not good for your relationship or your kids to spend every night in front of the TV for hours.
Depending on the kids ages you could get some boardgames out together, if they’re a little bit older you could order one of those murder mystery/puzzle/escape room theme mysteries in the post. A family walk after dinner on 1 or 2 nights of the week, if you have any consoles, a family game night of fun/competitiveness. You could have a weekend day/evening of family cooking or baking, or look up any free museums or historical places near you and do one every other weekend.
Routine often becomes monotonous, it becomes a chore of going through the motions, and going through the motions leads to feeling bored. Elders always say “only boring people get bored” and it’s kind of true in the sense that when we’re bored, we become it.
İf you start incorporating fun experiences again, you’ll want to chase those endorphins in… Other ways. Youll feel more connected both with your children and your wife, and it’ll overall improve your relationship.
Don’t let yourself fall into a rut and accept that this is just how it is, because it doesn’t have to be. You can regain that excitement and spark if you’re willing to do something about it, but it’s about introducing fun and spontenaity back into your lives, the sex life will follow afterwards.
İt would be worth talking to your wife and letting her know that you’re feeling less connected, and that you’ve fallen into too much of a routine, and that you’d like to make changes (Iike the suggestions above) so that you can plan these things together, or take turns.
Even researching places to go and things to do together with your partner can help foster a sense of excitement and appreciation before even engaging in the activity you’re planning.
Time for couples & individual therapy
Sounds like she is probably stressed out and tired. I wonder how far you’d get if you took some of that off her plate. Because to you the routine is “get home, eat dinner, watch tv, kids go to bed, tv, sleep.
I’m gonna guess her perspective of the routine is more like pick up the kids from wherever, get overstimulated in the car, get home, cook dinner (oh and she also had to plan and shop for the dinner), do dishes, clean the kitchen, give the kids baths, pajamas, get their clothes ready for the next day (oh she also had to wash all of those at some point), if their school aged or even daycare: homework backpacks lunches water bottles, make sure they brush their teeth cause god knows they aren’t doing it themselves, bedtime routine with the kids, pick up the living room (while the tv is on), shower, get herself ready for bed and the whatever she needs for the next day of work, probably do some more bs for you like pack your lunch/make sure your clothes are clean, make sure someone feeds the pets in the house.
But right probably eat a magic dinner that appears, watch tv, send the kids to their beds, and watch more tv, or whatever you boil it down to. Man, I wonder why she has no time to add another unrewarding thing to her list of chores bc I guarantee the sex feels like it’s another chore for her.
She is exhausted. What are you doing to lift the load of running a household from her shoulders?