Throwaway for privacy reasons.
My wife (30F) and I (32M) had our first child in February. We were happy and excited to become parents, but it’s been much harder than we ever expected.
Our daughter has been a very difficult baby after a difficult pregnancy. From day one she cried constantly whenever she was awake. Things got a bit better around 3.5 months, but now at 5 months, it’s getting really hard again. She needs my wife’s full attention all day. If my wife turns her back or tries to put her down, the baby immediately starts screaming. She won’t accept comfort from anyone else, not even me.
Breastfeeding has also been a constant struggle. My wife really wanted to do it exclusively. But she’s had low supply from the start. She’s been pumping after every feed, taking supplements, trying everything. But she still has to give formula on top. I know this has been really hard on her. She feels like she failed, even though I keep telling her she’s doing an incredible job.
Last week we noticed a large bald spot on her head. Since then, she’s completely changed. She doesn’t smile or laugh. When I come home from work, I can tell she’s been crying. She says she’s fine, just tired, but I don’t believe that. She refuses to go to a doctor or talk to anyone about how she’s feeling.
I’ve offered to take over more, especially in the evenings and on weekends. But she says it’s fine and that the baby only wants her anyway. I suggested hiring someone to help during the day, even just a few hours, but she immediately shut that idea down.
I feel helpless. I’m scared she might be dealing with postpartum depression but I don’t know how to talk to her about it without making her feel worse. I want to support her but I don’t know how. Has anyone been through something similar? How can I help without pushing too much?
Comments
It sounds really hard. Gently encourage her to see a doctor and remind her she’s not failing keep supporting her with patience and love and take care of yourself too you’re doing great
Look into products from Babocush… that mimics a mother’s heartbeat. Your wife is too stressed out with being with the baby all the time, she needs a break and the baby needs to fall asleep without having your wife with her all the time. If you don’t address this now, it will only get worse for baby and wife. There’s many other alternatives, please look into them all.
She needs to stop breastfeeding. Moms, especially first time moms, put so much pressure on themselves and it is only to their detriment. If she is not happy and healthy, no one is for the better. Though breast feeding may be ideal, it seems to be taking a significant toll on her mental health (in addition to other things). You need to have a serious conversation with her. I also suggest speaking to a doctor yourself about her PPD if she is not willing to. This way, you have proper medical advice on how to help.
A quick fix? Give her a gift – an appreciation gift as a recognition that she’s doing a hard thing….maybe a massage or getting her nails or hair done. While she’s out, send tons of pics of the baby (so your wife doesn’t get anxious with her). Make her healthy dinner for when she gets home. If you don’t want to give her an outing, give her something useful that she can use now (not eventually when life gets easier)- even an Amazon gift card might be fun for her to splurge on herself for a moment.
Another quick fix; insist on taking the baby for at least one entire night. Prepare for the night before hand- prepare the bottles, see if your wife would want to pump. Next morning have breakfast or coffee ready for her when she wakes up. Do your best to plan ahead for even the next day when YOU will be exhausted. (Get a family member to come over so your wife has some help while you rest a little).
My last quick fix, do the small things together. Take a walk together, feeding the baby and playing with the baby together. While this is going on, notice the little things how she handles the baby with ease and love. Remind her how excited you were to be parents together and how proud you are and how difficult it is but building a family is hard and you’re lucky to have each other.
Your wife needs to see a doctor to get her hormone levels checked. The bald spot could be a sign that her hormone levels have gone amiss. She should also ask the doctor about post partum depression.
It sounds like she is stressed to the maximum limit. She needs to get a part-time nanny to give her a break. Even if she resists, you should try to persuade her before she is totally burnt out. It sounds like your wife is putting way to much pressure on herself and if something doesn’t give, she’s just going to break down and not be able to function at all.
She does sound depressed, I would definitely be trying to get her to see a Doctor as soon as possible. It is a hard time those first few months and hair loss is quite common after having a baby but the no smiling or laughing are alarm bells to me. She also needs to let you bond with the baby and feed her sometimes if she’s taking a bottle. I suggest you have a set routine where you do certain things. My brother in law has always fed and helped put his little ones to sleep each evening when he gets home from work, often goes to them in the night to lay with them when they’re scared, he takes them for walks alone in the pram or front pack. This has two great benefits – my sister gets plenty of rest time and the kids adore him as much as they adore her. He’s got an amazing relationship with his kids because he’s always been there day after day spending the time and having the giggles. Good luck
Your wife needs to go to counseling, find a community of other moms to lean on, and above all else let you help. I had terrible post partum depression after my first baby. Breast feeding issues, terrible sleeper, velcro baby, and I reacted the same way your wife is and was like “I’ll just handle it” which ended in me have nearly daily panic attacks and sobbing all day from how exhausted I was. If I hadn’t gotten help when I did I don’t think I would be here right now.
Please, help her. She is in a dark pit of exhaustion and self doubt and stress and right now she needs you to help pull her out. Take the baby on a stroller walk and let her nap (don’t take no for an answer, but do it gently). Encourage her to get coffee with a friend and keep the baby at home. Schedule her a nail appointment. Have her take a shower or a bath and let her take her time. The key is that she needs to be away from the baby so that she doesn’t come running the second she hears crying.
If you have family nearby, maybe make them aware of how things are so they can support her too.
And if breastfeeding isn’t working… I know it’s hard, but if she can’t do it, I promise the world won’t end. I fought tooth and nail to breastfeed my first and it destroyed my mental health. With my second I tried for a few months but finally had to admit defeat, and let me tell you, it was the best decision I could have made. Fed is best, after all.
If she can prioritize her sleep, let you help, find other moms to lean on and talk to, and see a counselor it will help her immensely. She is just too overwhelmed right now to do it on her own and she needs you to help her 🩷
She NEEDS to see a doctor. She may not only have post-partum depression, but a thyroid issue, and anemia or low-ferritin. These conditions can cause symptoms of depression, anxiety, and hair loss, amongst so many other things.
It’s extremely common for women to become hypothyroid and anemic during/after pregnancy, along with developing deficiencies such as with vitain D, b12, and magnesium. (Each deficiency has its own symptoms, many of which affect mental health.)
Pregnancy is extremely taxing on the body, even in the healthiest and “easiest” ones.
I’d approach the topic in a gentle, but firm way, expressing your concern for her mental and physical health in a way that expresses that this happens commonly to women post-partum and that she is NOT a failure or flawed in any way.
Also, her mental health will affect the baby’s development. Don’t say that to HER, of course, but the baby’s socioemotional attachments, and nervous system, are forming via her closest bonds to her caregivers.
I’m sorry that you are ALL going through this. The first years of parenthood are extremely taxing, while also being amazing and rewarding.
I’ve been the ‘Mum’ dealing with with this. For me it was my 3rd baby though so I knew this wasn’t not normal for babies to be screaming and so demanding 24/7 – which helped a little. I wish I had pushed harder for the drs to take more notice as it turned out that my baby had silent reflux that didn’t respond to medication and resulted from Eosinophilic Oesophaghitus and related allergies
I’m not trying to suggest that’s the case for your child, but perhaps if you have a good doctor or childcare nurse you could encourage your wife to attend to have your baby checked.
When she’s so tired and feeling like she’s a failure, this might be easier to do. If she goes to someone empathetic and good at their job, they should also check in on her and hopefully be experienced enough to help her. So.eti.es one helpful and skilled person can make all the difference.
I just had my baby a month ago, postpartum is real. She sounds really down, and that worries me. I totally understand how hard it is not producing much milk; I’m going through the same thing. Please let her know it’s okay to use formula. It doesn’t make her a bad mother at all. Maybe help her research different types of formula, and consider getting the Baby Brezza formula dispenser machine. it could make things easier.
She’s probably feeling guilty for not being able to provide what she hoped she could. If she’s on social media, she might be seeing those ‘super moms’ who look like they can feed their baby for a whole year with one pump (obviously exaggerating, but you know what I mean). That’s just not realistic for everyone.
Keep reassuring her that she’s an amazing mom. Maybe even treat her to a spa day or something relaxing. Let her know not to stress about the baby, you’ve got this, even if the baby cries. Just being there means a lot.