I feel so stupid writing this, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere, because the more I’ve thought about it these past few days, the less I can believe it.
First of all, when I (M40) say “blind,” I don’t mean literally. I mean just… not seeing what’s been around me all this time.
For some context, people (girls, mostly) have always told me I’m good-looking, but I’m extremely shy. Like, to the point where I’d get super red whenever a girl talked to me out of nowhere. That shyness made me completely dismiss any compliments—I never thought of myself as above average. I’ve always focused more on my flaws.
Not long ago, I was talking with my wife (F42), and she asked why I don’t see myself as attractive. I told her it’s because girls were never really into me, and that’s why I only had two girlfriends before her. She just stared at me in disbelief and said, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Then she started telling me things—stuff my family has told her or things she personally witnessed—that made me realize how many women had been into me… and I had zero clue.
To summarize: most of my sister’s friends came over to our house because of me. My dad even warned my wife (back when we were dating) to watch out for my sister’s friends. Turns out, my sister was actively trying to set me up with them, and I just never noticed. It only hit me now, years later, when my wife laid it all out. Like, how often those girls would show up when my sister wasn’t even home—and I’d be the one to greet them—and it never occurred to me they were trying to get me alone. That’s just one example. There’s so much more.
And that’s not even counting school—girls would come up to me, touch me more than what seemed normal, or even get a little handsy, and I’d just laugh it off like it was a joke. Sometimes I’d wonder, “Could she be into me?” but the thought gave me anxiety. I was terrified I was misreading things and would get rejected, so I’d just ignore it all.
If you’re wondering how I ever managed to have girlfriends or a wife, it’s because those women were super direct with me. Like, straight-up told me “I like you, I want to go out with you.” Otherwise, they’d just be another stat in my sad list of girls I completely missed.
Anyway, more stuff happened even while I was dating my now-wife, and even after we got married. Some things I barely noticed and brushed off, others I only found out about recently because she told me.
Honestly, I feel so dumb for missing all these obvious signs. I laugh about it now—I tell my wife it’s at least a nice little ego boost—but I don’t regret anything. Being this oblivious led me to marry an amazing woman and have an incredible daughter… who, funnily enough, seems just as clueless about her surroundings as I was.
Comments
Dude you gotta show us a pic of you from back then cause genuinely I’ve never been more curious! But I get that might be weird so no pressure, thanks for sharing your story and hope you got that much needed confidence boost 🥳
Don’t feel stupid. I was married to a guy who had a huge ego and thought every woman in our social cirlce was after him. After we split and he startet rumoring me I told all of them.
Literally each woman laughed about it. Not one found him attractive.
I’d rather go with the man who doesn’t know that he is a jackpot, so I can tell him everyday when we cuddle in bed.
Don’t feel dumb.
I thought my crush was into me too, turns out i was wrong and it was just platonic the whole time.
They would always say stuff like wanting to do stuff with me, complimenting me, always initiate texting me, even wanted to come visit my country, etc etc. turns out i was just delusional the whole time.
Do you happen to have ADHD by chance? One of the possible symptoms of ADHD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in which romantic or social rejection (even perceived rejection or just the possibility of rejection) induces extreme emotional pain.
I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist or any other type of authority on the matter, but I know that feel bro.
I gotta see a before and after photo of you now
Are you neurodivergent? Just asking because this doesn’t help. I am and I suffer with RSD. I am told I am attractive but I don’t see it and have struggled my entire life with romantic relationships 🤷♀️
This is a Chat GPT written post. They always overuse hyphens for some reason
Don’t feel bad. I was once out to dinner and didn’t know it was a date until he told me .
My stories a bit different. In high school I was good friends with a jock, football player, strong, good looking. I was a band geek and did well in school. I never considered myself good looking because all female attention was given to my friend. We parted ways when I went to college but the dye was cast. Not much luck with women until a college professor told me all the girls were enamored with me. I responded by saying that they were talking about another guy in our class with the same first name as me.. nope, she assured me they were talking about me. So only then, a year before graduation did I start to pay attention. And for fucks sake did I make a lot of mistakes making up for lost time. I hurt a lot of girls back then, and I got hurt my self when my own arrogance bit me in the ass. So sorry girls, especially you Lauren from Tampa in the late 1980’s. I hope your life turned out well.
Necesitamos fotos, weon 😬
No pic; didn’t happen
Same boat. I’d rather not flirt with a woman, and be wrong.
Man, and no one thought for a second to talk to you about it?
That has to be a real strange feeling. Like, did they think you didn’t care? Did they think it was funny? Not a a single person in your family or your social circle knew you enough to realise?
Bloody hell.
I had something similar-ish happen to me. I’m mixed white and Asian, and was raised in a very white city in the South (of the US), and I didn’t think many people thought I was attractive. I was outgoing and a ham but I was very awkward. And when I was a teen, I was into performance arts, classical music, and jazz and singing was my thing. I didn’t realize that the boys who would take me to concerts and out to eat wanted more than a friendship bc we always shared common interests and I thought that’s why they wanted to hang out. And when I was in college, I broke up with a serious boyfriend, and all of a sudden, these guys whom I had been friends with since freshman year began confessing that they had crushes on me for years, and were waiting for me to break up with my bf so they could ask me out.
I have unDXed ADHD (my kid was DXed and we share many neuro traits) so that might be why I just didn’t figure it out. I’d need people around me to point out that people were into me bc I was so convinced I didn’t have rizz. When I moved to NYC, I’d be out on dates and men would approach me to ask me out when my date left the table. I suddenly felt like the ugly duckling – I had felt so uncomfortable in my own skin for so long and it was this strange realization that men actually found me attractive and that it was happening for a while. And I began recounting all of these guys in my past who liked me bc I just never realized then and there. I’m now more aware of it, as someone in her mid 40s, but I feel silly that it took so long for me to figure it out!
I have never read something that I related to less than this.
I had a similar experience and only in the last few years did I realize I might have above average looks (I’m 39 now). I gained some weight in my early 30s but then lost it again a few years later. Once I lost the weight, I finally started noticing all the little signs. Little comments here and there. Getting special treatment and freebies at stores. I even got a few random compliments about my looks from straight men. This led to me looking back on my life and recognizing all the little signs, comments, and experiences that all of a sudden made more sense.
Just like you, I was shy, anxious, and felt socially awkward (still am to some degree). So I just didn’t even register those kinds of comments or behaviors. It’s only looking back that I realize I may have missed some things. Oh well, it’s probably for the best. I still don’t fully believe it and any attention to my looks makes me somewhat uncomfortable (though I also do appreciate getting the ego boost). I’m also grateful because I’ve come to realize I probably wouldn’t be where I am today without the advantage (I think I was given a lot of passes and chances that I otherwise may not have been given).
This happens to me. I’m terribly clueless. I’ve always had way more attractive than me girlfriends. Or so I thought.
Women have hit on me and I always just assumed they’re friendly.
I’m the most dense human when it comes to flirting. I have zero idea how I’ve gone through life this way. It’s baffling.
My girlfriend currently can’t believe I never notice.
It’s kind of giving love on the spectrum lol. Have you ever been tested for autism? It’s easy for us to chalk everything up to anxiety, but some times it’s more than that.
damn I can’t imagine being that attractive