A throwaway account. I just need to vent. I have been married for 20 years and my wife chose to be a housewife. She is smart, intelligent and qualified but for some reason she could not cross the mental threshold of commitment to a job. Despite encouragement from me, family and friends, she said she was not confident. We had several arguments about this as I was in a mid-income job and we had to compromise on a lot of things due to financial constraints. When we had our twins, I worked two jobs to keep afloat. I slowly understood her insecurities and came to terms that she cannot contribute financially to our family. A decade ago, one of my projects became a big success and I got a lucky promotion. Money started flowing into the family and we were having some extra funds regularly. Upon the advice of a friend, I invested 10K into stock market and as luck would have it, I made 40K from that. We were happy as it was first time ever that we had access to such money. She said it would make her happy if she could “feel” the money in her account. So I transferred the 40K into her account.
Fast forward a few years, my position at the company grew and so did the financial returns. She periodically asked for money to be deposited in her account to “feel” it. I did not see a problem with funds being in either of our accounts as it was “ours”. However, a few months ago without discussing with me, she used a big chunk of the money in her account to fund her hobbies. She loves making glass sculptures and it is not a cheap venture. When she initially proposed starting this business, we decided to make a small investment to check the process and learn our way around. But she decided herself and made 5 times investment into it. For months I did not know that such huge money was gone. When I learnt the truth I was shocked. We had a big argument. I said it was not her money to decide unilaterally as the ownership of the money in both our accounts is shared and spending has to be decided together. She argued that all money in her account was hers. This bitter argument about money went on for weeks. Since then I have seen a big change in her. On one hand, every time I get a bonus or a commendation from my company, she belittles my success that I was lucky or that I am standing on the shoulders of other coworkers whose hard work went unnoticed. On the other hand, if something goes wrong, she repeats it over and over and revisits all the hard times we had in the past and blaming me for those days. If I say anything about her choice to be a housewife and her insecurities, I am a typical controlling husband.
Her hobby turned business of glass sculptures is not doing good. If I show care about her failing business and try to help, I am accused of snooping. If I remain distant from it, I am accused of being a husband who loves to see his wife fail. Right now I live a life where I expect a degrading comment in every situation. I am not kidding.
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Many people will rush to tell you to end it and run. 20 years together is a long time, worth fighting for, at least trying to fight for.
It seems she feels…empty? Not important? This is something that is difficult to address, especially if she doesn’t acknowledge it.
Boundaries must be set, easier said than done. Perhaps couples counseling/ therapy will be beneficial, however I suggest doing extensive research to find an unbiased professional to help.
Let me be clear, what you have achieved is incredible, you earned your success. Putting you down is the response of someone lacking confidence and purpose.
For what it’s worth, you are a valuable person.
Stay strong, but be gentle, patient, and above all, stay calm.
Best of luck brother.
Your wife is the worthless one OP, not you.
First of all, congratulations on your promotion and extra income. You deserve it, don’t ever say it was “lucky”. You DESERVE to feel valued by your company.
Now as for your wife, it really feels like you’re in a catch-22 situation with her. Of course you want to be and have been a supportive husband. You are absolutely correct in stating money should not be spent unilaterally, especially when you are the one earning at the moment.
You didn’t mention anything about kids so I’m assuming you don’t have any (and thus putting money away for them instead of your wife is out of the question), but it might be time to fight fire with fire. You feel like me, where we just give in to keep the peace and do our best to get over it. When I say fight fire with fire, I mean buy something lavish for yourself (or better yet both of you, like a little vacation or a home upgrade) and check her reaction.
She seems like she wants something to call her own without actually working for it. That would be fine if she treated you well and you were fine with supporting her, but clearly the former isn’t happening and the latter might be beginning to wane.
If ya need a friend who goes through similar situations feel free to message me on here mate.
She resents you. It’s clear as day. Not saying that OP as a criticism. I don’t know either of you. I just say this rather blandly… she resents you. Won’t talk about it clearly. Maybe doesn’t even realize it herself. But this kind of thing is toxic. Maybe counseling could help? Couples therapy— I hear it helps people. Anyway, I’m sorry this is happening
There’s some resentment and jealousy here. Def talk this out in couples therapy before it gets worse. You’re not worthless.
Stop depositing money into her account. Do it for a year or however long it takes for reality to set in. Call her card the grocery card and never have more than 1 k available. That way she can have the chance to supper herself with her glass sculptures and gain some perspective of your role in your marriage.
Your wife resents you and you both need to speak a professional third party about this or else it’s going to get worse.
Hopefully your children arent looking bad behaviors from this marriage.
There are a lot of people commenting here who are showing your wife more grace than they would a man in the same situation.
>She said it would make her happy if she could “feel” the money in her account. So I transferred the 40K into her account.
>She argued that all money in her account was hers.
She’s been playing you since the beginning. She’s manipulative and deceitful and can’t be trusted. It’s really that simple.
I get that you love her but I’m shocked you’d just transfer her the $40k that you earned. That’s wild.
People should declare their country of origin in these comments – it’s wild to see how different cultures handles a fiesty woman. The Canadians are like “sure she belittled you, but the twins are yours, right?” and the Egyptians are like “off with her head!”
I say, you need to come to a common understanding on whose money is whose (she’s certainly entitled to some of her own as a SAHM), and also which types of purchases require consensus. It sounds like she is not acting like she’s on a team. You should tell her, I’m not up here to be your back up dancer. A business is a huge commitment, I deserve to be given the opportunity to support you in this venture.
The other thing, support her art. Even and especially if the business fails. It’s hard to fail in business, especially if that business centered on something as personal as art. Sounds like she’s in a bad place to lose art as an outlet.
Brother, I am sorry to hear you going through this. I feel for you deeply because so many similarities. My wife and I have been married almost 19 years and although she is very much a competent and intelligent woman she chose to be a stay at home wife. She has always seen my income as my money however and has had a hard time spending it. We set up a separate checking account for her that I’d transfer money monthly to for her spending, we did the same for me. The joint account is for household expenses or mutual expenses like dates etc.
At one point I chose to start a photography business and used a “capital investment” for my first professional body and a few lenses, this came from our savings and I had to repay that account as part of our agreement to make the purchase. I feel like that’s a fair compromise, yes we funded it but it’s my business she supports me in it but outside of that nothing more so the business owes that money back.
When it comes belittling, over the years she has felt unfulfilled (never had children) and sometimes she would lash out at my accomplishments (similar to what you described) due to the lack of her own. I assured her that I wouldn’t have achieved my successes had I not had her at home keeping me balanced providing me support and her not supporting me and my career only hurts us both. Fortunately that worked and it was only very early in our marriage.
I don’t agree with the ultimatum route or moving all the money can be viewed as financial abuse. Often someone is so focused on themselves and how they feel they don’t realize how their actions are impacting those around them.
But she’s been your wife for 20 years, NO ONE knows her like you do. Trust your gut, talk to her but actively listen to her as well.
Take your power back please. This is totally unacceptable and bordering on some type of financial abuse. Yuck. None of this is good. You need to book a relationship counsellor stat because clearly, this will not be resolved between the 2 of you. While I get that it’s shared household money in the eyes of marital law, she’s not doing much of the sharing and should be 100% discussing purchases with you. And PS: STOP putting money into her account!!
So she’s Jan from the office
Counseling asap. Long time ago for her especially with her lack of confidence. That’s a huge negative core belief that will keep her from being happy no matter what money pours in
Stop letting her “feel” the money you make. As your wife she should have discussed the venture with you and how much money she would need to start it up. I suggest you leave her with 10,000 in that account and move the money into a separate bank in another account she doesn’t have access to or the money you think you have you’ll discover you don’t have at all. Make an account for house expenses and make all the payments through there.
That was me and my gf of 10 years.. I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it gets better, in my experience it didn’t but every situation is different.
Wow she’s really projecting all her insecurities about working onto you.
Wrap it up. Stop putting huge money in her account, unless you wanna go broke
Get a divorce
This is something girls would do to me to get me to break up with them, so that they wouldn’t have to feel bad for dumping me.
You need couples counseling to get past the arguments and resentment.
Then you need financial counseling. It’s not “my” money or “your” money, it’s “our” money. You should be working together towards shared financial goals and saving for your retirement.
If she won’t go, go alone.
If you still can’t get on the same page, you may have to be in charge of all the finances.
Good luck.
Run your credit and hers. She might be taking out loans and other lines of credit you do not want to be blind sided. Maybe get a bank account in a bank she does not do business in. Start taking over the household bills until you are sure she has not put you deeply into debt.
She’s jealous
OP, this is not a personal attack on you or anyone else in these comments.
I do not fundamentally understand married people who split their finances. One marriage. One unit. One family. One financial future, together. I’m not sure how anyone can separate something as intimate as their finances away from their spouse. That’s like getting married and living in separate homes or something.
I don’t have anything to offer here other than good luck.
She’s manipulating you and probably has been for a long time.
Working and earning an income gives you a great “feeling” of cash and bonus is you’ve actually made it happen yourself.
It sounds like she resents the fact she’s done nothing productive with her life and is choosing to project that feeling of lack onto you.
I’m curious to know if she’s taking the business side of her art seriously- there are a lot of resources out there for small art industry businesses. Does she want to pursue it and make money? What does she want to do with it?
Literally stop giving her money and make her get a job.
Even just doing Uber Eats or something.
Start cutting her off financially. She’s got her own business now so she an take over some of the bills. Ignore her comments or fire back. She’s getting away with this as you let her and her business doesn’t succeed, she’ll be even worse.
Why did you pull that $40k out of the market if it was just going to sit in a bank account doing nothing for you, and why did you even need to tell her about it much less actually give it to her?
She sounds awful. Why are you still with her? And I cannot understand why on earth you would transfer that amount of money into her account, it seems like you could have seen this coming.
So you get in a fight with her. She bullies you because it works. You give into her treatment and it distracts from her failures. I doubt it makes her feel better but at least the focus is off her. I’m telling you not to give up on the relationship but don’t be afraid of the confrontation with your wife.
She needs some serious help if she couldn’t commit to work but now wants to own a business and it’s ridiculous she wouldn’t ask for help. Whats wrong with her if she is afraid to ask her partner for help. It’s pure ego. I’d even say you’re allowing her to fail because you’re afraid of the confrontation.
I don’t have the answers except you w need to have some hard conversations. Btw just know when she cries and gets abusive towards you, it’s to distract from her. Don’t fall for it again but know you’re in the right area to keep pushing
Good luck
It is impossible to fully know what she is thinking and feeling, or to judge why she is behaving to badly. To me, it makes no sense.
What does appear obvious is she is emotionally immature. Raising kids can be a full time, important, meaningful “job”. One doesn’t have to contribute financially to the household to bring tons of value to the family. I say this as someone who was married to an executive in my 30s who traveled internationally for work. His work week very often started saturday night on a plane. So….you’re supposed to be a team. And that means nobody gets to unilaterally decide something that would affect the other one – it’s simply rude, selfish, and hurtful.
You expressed how you felt and she basically doesn’t care. She sounds like a teenager who got an allowance vs. a partner.
A friend told me before I got married that marriage is not just a romantic partnership but also a business partnership. Don’t marry (or stay married to) someone you can’t trust with your checkbook, just as you wouldn’t start a business with them.
What she did is objectively wrong, and her lack of remorse or acknowledgement suggests this won’t be fixable. I’m sorry.
You sound like a fantastic spouse.
If what you wrote is true and you are not hiding important aspects from her perspective then you have a she problem. If you can’t just sit down and talk it out you have a greater problem. You need to settle this soon before it festers. Even though you are in the right in most of this I suspect you might have said things you should apologize for.
I personally hate people like her. They are small people with a shallow inner beauty. I unfortunately your heart loves her but if you remove that feeling what’s there left in it for you? Big NO on putting money into her account.