I’m trying to keep this brief, but I may not be able to keep that promise. I’m a 45-year-old man, my wife is 49, and we’ve been married since February 2025. Her mother is the meanest, most manipulative person I’ve ever met. She doesn’t call my wife or interact with her unless she needs something—usually money—or wants my wife to take on responsibilities that should be her own. Over the years, this dynamic has twisted into something where my wife ends up carrying her mother’s burdens.
My wife and I have been together for about four years, and we have a great relationship. But this issue with her mother causes a lot of stress. My wife had become almost numb to it all before we met, and I was the first person to gently point out how wrong it was. I’ve tried to support her with kindness, but whenever I bring it up, it sometimes leads to arguments. I just can’t stand by and watch someone treat my partner—the woman I love—so badly in a family dynamic.
My wife acknowledges how much it hurts her. She’s very intelligent, and I know she sees the truth of it. She’s said many times how awful it feels to be used by her mom and her three adopted sisters. But it’s heartbreaking because she’s been made to feel like this is normal.
And it’s absolutely not normal. A grown daughter should not be financially responsible for her mother and three adult women for over ten years—especially when those adults aren’t contributing to rent, utilities, or any household expenses. My wife hasn’t even lived in that house for four years because her mom is a hoarder, and her sisters have completely taken over the place. Yet we’ve been paying the rent, utilities, and even a $180 cable/Internet/phone bill. Over $2,000 a month is going out the door—money we could use for a honeymoon, a house, a vehicle, or anything for ourselves.
Recently, my wife set a boundary and told them that after September, they would be on their own. So far, she’s sticking to it, but it hasn’t been easy. Her mom manipulates her by occasionally acting like they’re having a loving, normal mother-daughter relationship—right before bringing up another “emergency” to make my wife feel guilty.
For example, her mom just asked again to borrow our car because her perfectly fine vehicle supposedly can’t make a 2.5-hour trip for one of the sisters’ medical appointments. This has happened dozens of times. Every time my wife lends her the car, it comes back filthy, on empty, and without a single thank-you. Her mom won’t even meet us halfway to make things easier. She just takes and takes because she knows she can.
Her mom has her own house down the street that’s bigger than my wife’s, but it’s hoarded full of stuff. She claims she can’t afford bills there, so she and the daughters crash at my wife’s old place—while we pay for everything. The youngest adopted sister is around 18 or 19, and the oldest is almost 30. None of them contribute financially. For over a decade, my wife has been treated like an open checkbook just because she makes good money.
I hate being the “bad guy,” but I feel like I have to help my wife establish boundaries. It’s incredibly stressful for both of us, but the burden has been enormous. Supporting her and protecting our life together matters more than enabling her family’s endless taking.
Comments
Man, I totally get where you’re coming from, bro. It’s this mf societal pressure on us to always put familia first, even when they’re blatantly taking advantage. I say hell nah, push them boundaries hard. They gonna b*tch n moan, sure, but what can they do? It’s your 💰. Your wife gotta see that this ain’t love, it’s control. Sounds harsh, but honestly man, it’s the only way out. 💯 Stand your ground, my dude. Peace. ✌️
talk to me about finances. are you and your wife combining finances?
Her mother has her own house but stays in your wife’s old house, for no particular reason other than manipulation. Tell her that house is going on the market. Y’all keep the money. The leeches can live in the mother’s house, get jobs, and pay their own bills. I don’t see why y’all got married before this was sorted out. Your wife has been a doormat for decades and she will probably need counseling to change.
Good for you be strong and cut them off. No contact would be best. This doesn’t sound like love at all. Your poor wife! Give her lots of support to push these people away. It’s going to get really ugly before it ever gets better.
Hold the September boundary, for sure.
Does your wife own the house? Or is she renting it and just letting her family live there for free?? If she owns it, she needs to charge them, or kick them out and rent it to paying people. If she is renting it, she needs to get her name off the lease immediately.
Best of luck my friend. What a sensitive, emotion-packed rough spot to be in.
You are kind and supportive of your wife. That is wonderful!
Hoping you can help your wife stand firm and take her life back. She has been very generous… More than anyone I know would be. Is there something that $2000 a month could go to that your wife would enjoy? Has she been wanting to go on a trip? Take a course? Something else for her?
She may have to go no contact for a while just to protect yourself from the onslaught. once the money is turned off.
Well done for supporting her and loving her.
Big mistake: You married the female version of a Mama’s Boy. Now you’re in a tug-of-war for her time, attention, and money. You pushing your wife “to do the right thing” just puts more stress on her. Another option is to separate your finances and have your wife contribute her share each month to your joint expenses. You can then completely shut up about whatever money she gives to her family. Just let her know you no longer want to hear about her family at ALL or be involved in assisting them in any way.
To relocate. Sell the house.
I love seeing how devoted you are to you wife and your relationship. It’s beautiful. You are doing the right thing helping her gently. It’s going to be hard for her but it’s the right thing.
Do the sisters work? What’s the deal there?
It’s going to be hard but she will be relieved in the long run. Chances are they won’t change but they might find someone else to take advantage of.
Boundaries are needed for sure. Looks like you walked into this marriage with your eyes wide open. Your problem is your wife allowing her family to walk all over her. Until she stops pretending to be a doormat, your problems will continue.
Wife needs to sell that home and evict the hoarders!
Hoarding is an incredibly tough problem to break. I have a relative and in-law who are blatant hoarders and they absolutely do not see it. There’s an excuse for everything, they just need a bigger house, the kids made a mess, they just need to get organized, yadda yadda yadda. There’s not a boundary to be found in that house. No amount of advice or help makes a difference.
Your wife probably feels sorry for her mom’s mental illness but she’s enabling her mom and sisters behavior. They won’t change until they have to.