This is a long one so I’m going to do the TLDR at the top.
TLDR: I lost my job and recently got a new one but my wife is still stressed/angry with me. She criticized some of the things I do and said she regrets marrying me. I love her with all my heart, is my marriage over?
I and my wife have been married for 4 years now. We have been through our ups and downs but I have always believed our love held strong and true through it all. I learned today that she doesn’t feel the same way.
Let me give you some background. I married my wife who has 3 younger kids who I love and adore. I have always made enough money that my wife didnt have to if she didn’t want to and she chose not to. Well I lost my job a few months back and only 3 weeks ago did I find a new one. This, of course, put some financial strain on the relationship. Once I finally got another job, which I really enjoy so far for those of you wondering, I thought things would smooth out. Of course I wouldn’t be writing this if they did.
She still didn’t want to touch me, kiss me, sleep in the same bed as me, or even tell me she loves me. One thing about my wife is that she gets in moods where she doesn’t want to be messed with and that’s typically when she’s stressed and I have learned to leave her be and she will come out of them good as new once she works through what she’s feeling. Trust me I’ve tried to be loving and want to talk it out when she gets like that and it’s not pretty. Space is what I thought she needed and so space is what she got.
Tonight I guess she got tired of holding it in and let me have it. She told me all the things I do that she doesn’t like.
I did as I always do in situations like this and immediately apologized said I’d do better and even asked her how she would like me to handle the boys and how she handled the bills so that I can be better prepared if that were to ever happen again. She told me that she isn’t my mother and it’s not her job to teach me to be an adult. Which is valid I understand that it’s not. At some point in the argument she admitted to me that she thought us getting married was a mistake. She also confessed that she didn’t feel like a (my last name). She had brought this up before because she missed having the same last name as her kids which I understand but I expressed many times before we got married that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
I of course cried hearing this which only made her more angry. I truly love this woman and these kids with all my heart and to hear that she regrets marrying me, when she is the one who asked for almost a year when I was going to propose, absolutely broke my heart. I do everything she asks of me. I don’t know how else I could be a better husband.
Im not trying to paint myself as a good partner, I mean obviously I have my flaws or else I would t be in this situation, but at the same time I feel everything can be worked through and I can change.
I have already changed so much for her. A big one is I used to crave physical touch. When I love someone I want to show it through kissing and cuddling and all that. She was fine with that for a while but early on she told me that her last relationship wasn’t like that and she thought she would want a very passionate, handsy person but turns out she doesn’t. So I reeled in the affection and as hard as it was for me to control my self I did for her and now it’s just my new normal. I’m affectionate with her based on her limitations and I’m ok with that. I get all the affection I need.
I guess I’m kinda ranting but also asking for your advice… is my marriage over?
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Sounds like she just needed someone to fund her and her kids’ lives, I’m sorry
This is horrible. You are normalizing abuse to a disturbing degree and need help.
The bigger question would be, are you sure you want to try to continue the marriage? She sounds very unreasonable. You don’t say how long you were together before you got engaged, but even at that point, you were about 21 and 24. She already had three kids. They must be in school, so she could work at least part-time and chooses not to, even with all those kids to support. Job losses happen, and it sounds like she’s been cruel about it rather than supportive. What made you want to settle down so young?
You’re in an abusive relationship. You need to leave.
It sounds like you’ve both outgrown each other and it causes resentment in your marriage. For example, she might have gone along with changing her last name to yours. But she might atill arbor feelings about not having the same name as her kids, which is understandable.
Despite your efforts, your wife was pretty clear with you. Sorry OP,
Obviously yes
Why are you tolerating this abuse? Love is not abuse and that is all she gives you! You got sold a bill of goods and you deserve better then some coldhearted woman who isn’t grateful for the hard work you put in.
If I were you, I would divorce her. Simply because she is abusive and doesn’t communicate well and she makes you doubt yourself. If all you are is an ATM to her and her kids, get out and save yourself.
Tldr, yes
Get out of there and focus 100% on improving yourself, for yourself.
This is abuse. In your place I’d be looking for a lawyer. That you arent suggests that you want to try to save the marriage in which case you should get into couples counseling.
If she does not agree then I suggest individual counseling to help you with the difficult decisions.
Good luck and stay strong.
Listen I’m not gunna justify her behavior because it’s not okay!!! But can I ask why you weren’t comfortable with her not changing her last name? If she doesn’t feel like a “jones”, why? Also, in general it seems like y’all’s love languages aren’t the same. Which can be okay, but sometimes a dealbreaker. I am the person who isn’t very touchy feely, and I’ve been with people who are, and it’s HARD. It’s not bad to not be compatible/want different things/feel different about things (ie, the last name), but if you can’t compromise, don’t be together
U a dumb fk. U married a single mom with 3 kids? At the age if 22……
Just fking divorce and live in and don’t pay for her kids. Hope u didn’t adopt them like an idiot.
Easiest and worst decision, continue to take the abuse for a much longer time with no happy ending in sight
Hardest and best decision, stop and leave immediately to look for love that is a two way street with a supportive partner
You sound like you are being severely taken advantage of by your wife. It sounds like she doesn’t work or help out with the finances and seems to expect you to cater to her every need and want.
Also, does she have hobbies? Do you guys go on dates away from the kids? Quality time together that don’t involve physical touch? What is her love language and are you addressing them?
I think these are things you should be thinking about and if you feel the relationship is adequate in those areas, then your marriage is probably over. However, I think you would be better off without her based on her treatment of you. It’s hard to see that behind rosy pink glasses, since you’re so in love with her. I hope you’re able to open your eyes a little bit from your post.
You need to end this cycle of abuse by cutting off the marriage. For your own good. Please take the advice here personally. This is not ok
She sounds exhausting. You should be able to be yourself in marriage, not trying to diminish yourself. I think she was looking for a meal ticket not a real husband. You can do better. Don’t ever apologise for being you.
She is verbally abusive I don’t think this is healthy option for you.
No kids with her? Divorce attorney, ASAP.
I couldn’t finish this.
Well she’s acting like she wants a strong man, but a strong man wouldn’t put up with her bullshit and would leave her and her three kids.
You “love” her. Fine. Examine her actions and tell me how she feels about you. See, how you feel doesn’t matter, at least not to her. She told you exactly how she feels and regrets marrying you.
I’ll repeat, how you feel about her and this marriage doesn’t matter- it takes two people that feel the same way to make a relationship, much less a marriage work.
You need this book probably more than anyone: “No more Mr Nice Guy” Dr Ronald Glover.
This sounds like a covert narrccistic!! Being passive aggressive and being g the victim while.your being an amazing supportive partner! I’ve dealt with one and gave her unconditional love anything she wanted she got! Trust me I treated her like my lovely soul mate and she didn’t want love these type of people want control and chaos and love breaking you down and making it look like it’s your fault! But anything you do will be faulted somehow cause goal post are being moved and you’ll never make a some NPD happy cause there miserable and unhappy themselfs your only seeing g this cause the mask is slipping! In the past when she drank was she a diffrent person? Mine would drink and mask would slip and she would be very mean!
Let me get this straight: at 22, you married a 25-year-old who already had 3 kids, and then you became the sole breadwinner? And at 21 and 24, when she also already had 3 kids, she was begging you to propose to her?
You’re her meal ticket and her financial stability. You lost your job (probably not your fault) and so she lost the reason she had to like you. It is unfortunately not the most durable basis for a relationship.
I’m sorry dude. There are just so many problems here.
Talking from personal experience it now turns to absolute bitterness and resentment and eventually she won’t even acknowledge you , you will be in a loveless hurtful place
Leave now you young and you have a decent chance to find happiness . Myself I left it way to long my youth destroyed
This is very standard my dude. Women marry men for the paycheck. When that becomes “unstable” they start prepping to leave. That means degrading you to justify their decisions. So even when you bounce back quickly they keep attacking you because the wheels were already set in motion.
Tell her to fuck off and go find a better guy if she can.
You were 22 ready to marry an older woman with 3 kids and allow her to be a sahm? It sucks but it sounds like she is just trying to take advantage of you
The general dynamic seems toxic and she may know she can just play you like a fiddle
Your wife needed a sugar Daddy and was lucky enough to get one, now she resents you. I hope you had a prenup. You’re better off without her
All due respect she sounds a pain in the ass. If she wants her children’s last name I say let her have it and let her go dude. You’re still young and there’s so much better out there than some exceedingly unpleasant woman whose having you financially support 4 fuckin people.
Read 5 Languages of Love. But this relationship is not good. She doesn’t love you. You were her bank nothing else.
Sounds like what she really wants is someone to pay her way in life, and you are not shaping up to be that person.
Do you really want to be in a relationship like that?
Maybe I missed the part of the conversation where she asked how you felt? Or how she could be help make things better? Were your feelings considered?
I’ve been where you are and it was so much stress, anxiety and brutal agony. She already resents you, then that’ll turn into contempt. I wasted so much time, energy and money dissecting what I did wrong when all along she was a manipulative person that played into my wants and desires. Once you realize you’re in love with what the relationship could/should/would be, it’s over brother. I wish I took my own advice that was screaming in my head, don’t be me. It’s been 3 years and still my heart tells me I love her, but my mind plays those hurtful words over and over again. It’s like being at war with myself. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have.
Let her find the next best man to take her and her 3 kids in. She’ll soon be gassing all her friends on social media she’s too good for him too.
This has nothing to do with you losing your job, don’t believe that hype. I’m so sorry brother, your life will get better.
Yeah, your marriage is basically over. She can’t trust you. She doesn’t respect you. She can’t rely on you. She’s been through it before. You’re stuffed.
OP, I’m sorry u’re being USED, ABUSED AND TAKEN TOTAL ADVANTAGE OF. Yes, I’d say the marriage is over, especially after she stated her regrets about marrying you & your shortcomings. I’d let her make way for her & her 3 kids. Trust no other man (Huh, unless she’s found 1) is going to take care of her & her 3 kids and allow her to stay home.
Why stay when she doesn’t likes you?
Updateme!
You are being manipulated and used, this is abuse. From the outside it looks like she wanted someone to pay her bills and her kids. She’s looking for things to complain about to justify her lack of feelings. I would say she lost “respect” when she wasn’t getting the level of financial support that she had planned on while you were unemployed. Women like this make me sick. My advice would be to dump her ass and find someone who loves you.