I (29F) have been on mood stabilizers and antidepressants to treat bipolar 1 since I was a teenager. I was recently taken off one of them, and I noticed my sex drive returning.
I never initiate sex with my wife (49F) because she has a lot of sexual trauma from childhood and I never want her to feel pressured or that she’s rejecting me if she doesn’t want to have sex. I should add that, in the beginning, we had sex regularly, every other day or at least once a week. For 2 of the 3 years we’ve been together, we go months without. She says that’s her MO, to sleep with a partner a lot in the beginning. It’s hard not feeling close to her in that way, but considering the meds had dissolved my sex drive, I’ve been able to accept it.
She has never had sex with me sober, and once called me her abusive ex-wife’s name during it. I was so shocked that I didn’t say anything and convinced myself that she wasn’t thinking of her ex-wife.
I’ve been able to reach orgasm for the first time in years, and I really enjoyed connecting with that part of myself.
Two nights ago, I asked if she could give me 20 minutes alone before she came to bed. She asked why and I told her I wanted to masturbate. She routinely comes to bed after me anyway, but I was trying to be considerate by asking for privacy. She scoffed, shut down, and said she would just sleep in the guest room. I asked her what I did wrong, and she asked why I couldn’t do that before she got home. I told her I thought it would help me sleep. She said the thought of me masturbating made her feel disgusted and that it’s gross. I asked why and she said it’s not for me to understand. She said her boundary is that I don’t do it when she’s home. Our bedroom is upstairs, and I use a white noise machine, and I make no noise, so seeing or hearing me is not possible.
I told her that her sexual trauma influences our sex together, but her issues and shame are not mine to carry when I’m having sex with myself. I said it’s my home too and I’m entitled to privacy and autonomy. She said she doesn’t want to come to bed knowing I’ve just masturbated because it makes her so uncomfortable.
The issue is not that I’m choosing sex with myself over her. I think the issue is because of her sexual trauma, she is uncomfortable with any sex act that she’s not in control of. I told her boundaries don’t dictate other people’s behavior, only her own, and that I’m not doing anything gross or shameful. She said, “fine, you win, masturbate wherever and whenever you want, go ahead and make me uncomfortable.”
My emerging sex drive has been shut down by the thought of disgusting my wife. I don’t really feel like I can have sex with her again, and at this point, I can’t feel connected to her sexually.
I also have sexual trauma, but I’ve put 15 years into therapy to manage it. She’s been in therapy for 6 months. I’m trying to meet her where she is and suggested we see a therapist together. First she said she would take the day off and go, then when I proposed going next week she said she needed more notice. I asked when would be a good time for her. She said eventually, then said seeing a therapist together wouldn’t help at all. She called me pushy and said making her do something she’s not ready for will hurt our relationship.
I should add that, for months and months on end, she was gambling the equivalent of my income and telling me it was for bills, staying up until 3AM to gamble on her phone, and leaving us hundreds of dollars in the negative by the time she came to bed. She insisted I put her on my bank account because it would give her accountability, because I had been bailing her out every month due to her gambling, but we started our marriage on a lie when I finally discovered my bank statements showed the numerous PayPal transactions were going to casinos and not bills. I never shut her out and tried my best to be supportive. She’s put a gambling blocker on her phone, so she’s not gambling, but she’s made no effort to pay me back, or pay my dad back for a loan he gave us to stop the eviction process. She’s also driven drunk many times, and when I’ve told her I don’t find that acceptable, she told me I don’t get it—that driving drunk is a part of drinking, and that she’s Gen X so that’s how she was raised. She’s done a lot of things that make me uncomfortable but I forgive and try to see the best in her.
I’m heartbroken. I love her so much, and I want things to work. But she’s an avoider. I told her that sometimes we’ll need to talk about hard things and she said, “are we really going to be those lesbians who talk about feelings?”
I feel shamed, and dismissed, and honestly just…lost.
Comments
It honestly sounds like you’re incompatible. It wasn’t fair to you to fake having a higher sex drive in the beginning, just to take that away. How long have you been together?
What do you love about her?
Bro just leave. This is gonna be the rest of your life and I highly doubt itl get better
That’s a pretty wild age gap. You were mid 20s and she was probably perimenopausal. The gambling is irrelevant. Like it’s very relevant but not to this intimacy issue. Either yall do couples counseling or this relationship is toast.
You know this isn’t okay. Yeah, nobody wants to walk in on their partner with porn going and whatnot, but just taking space in your own bed for personal time is perfectly normal.
She can’t call the shots on your returning discovery of your sex drive AND not have you propositioning sober sex.
On the drunk driving, my ex and I drank a lot. He drove all our vehicles, sometimes loaded with thousands in farm goods. I knew he would have a couple of cans while driving my car.
On the outside of that relationship, I am APALLED at the disrespect: my car debt could be crashed, insurance wouldn’t pay, our goods gone, our business, our relationship… just trouncing all over that for beer. It’s incredibly selfish to drive drunk. It hurts you, your relationship, snd could devastate anyone she hits and kills.
What are YOU being given in this relationship? It’s not respect, bodily autonomy, or pleasure.
Sigh. Sadly, this is a case of someone not meeting with their partner partway.
I do think there are many bad parts about your wife but with the masturbation thing, I would put more effort in finding a compromise that works for both of you. Just when she’s not at home is too much, but she lives in that too so if you doing that triggers her, it is also unfair.
Maybe a good middleground is you getting alone time in another room?
I hope you guys find a compromise wince this can be an incompatibility that can lead to an unhappy marriage or just plain divorce. Since this is a result of you coming off your meds, I’ll personally consider it as a life adjustment similar to if your partner got a disease or disfigurement like an amputation that is not your choice.
Okay so I agree with you 100%. It’s also your house. Not just hers. Masturbation is 1000% normal, and it’s honestly a little selfish of her to try and take that away from you when she doesn’t really give you sex to begin with. I’m a firm believer that sex is really important in a relationship whether people admit that or not. You NEED that intimacy and connection. I would definitely sit down and have a long deep discussion with her about EVERYTHING (not just the masturbation) you’re feeling. I hope all goes well. I also want to point out that her saying, “fine, go ahead and make me uncomfortable.” is manipulative.
Your wife is a bad person, and her trauma may be part of what caused that, but it doesn’t excuse her from accountability or the consequences of her words and actions.
What I hear here is that you’re not only bending over backwards to try and make this incredibly dysfunctional relationship work, you’re heavily compromising on your self as a person while your wife is making little to no effort.
To tell you that the thought of you masturbating is disgusting is genuinely awful. To tell you that the reason for why isn’t for you to know is just unbelievably cruel.
It’s a perfect example of what I mean when I say your wife is not working to maintain the love y’all had. It’s fine for her to have a different sex drive, it’s fine for there to be complication and difficulty in finding compromise that is considerate of you both, and it’s fine to have ugly moments in the process of pursuing that.
But that’s not what that is. That’s you doing all of the work and her reacting recklessly and without consideration to some ugly base instincts in her head.
It sounds like after y’all got married, she went back to living her life like she always did and you’re also there now. And if you compromise that for her, it’s your fault.
The fact that she has never had sex with you while sober is a radioactive red flag. Like holy shit. That shouldn’t ever have been accepted as the standard behavior for her in a relationship. And that’s not for you to control, that’s on her.
I hate saying this, but I don’t see how you could make a relationship like this work… Or why you would.
You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. Don’t flush another year down the toilet for someone who treats you like this.
I would insist on couples couns and if that’s a no, I’d be separating. Many deep seated issues here and communication needs to be mediated by a third party
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I thought your suggestion for therapy together was a good one, and I’m not surprised she isn’t doing it.
I have to address the Gen X comment. As a Gen Xer older than your wife, it is true that we weren’t initially raised to not drink and drive. But then we got Mothers Against Drunk Driving in 1980, and as they picked up steam in the 80s, we all knew not to drink and drive. At 49, your wife surely saw commercials, TV programs, had school programs, etc., on this, especially if she was in the US. (She might have in other countries, but I know for sure it was all over the US.)
I’m not sure why you are staying. If she were actively trying to fix things, I might get it. She isn’t. And she might bankrupt you with gambling and a drunk driving accident where she kills someone in the process.
Your wife is an immature asshole, bully.
She has sexual trauma. Ok, what is she doing about it? Is she in therapy? Is she working on it?
Oh, no, instead she pulled a bait n switch lots of sex in the beginning and then once she has you trapped and married, no more sex, but also don’t jerk off unless its on my terms. Fuxk that noise!
She’s selfish and unwilling to take accountability or participate in her own recovery, using booze as a crutch and trauma as an exscuse.
It becomes an exscuse when she refuses to work on it, and switched from giving sex and using it as a weapon, to withholding. Its clear that she had no problem with bypassing her trauma to manipulate you into marriage. But now won’t give an inch.
Id tell her therapy or divorce. And if after a certain amount of time, you still can’t get your needs met, then you walk.
No one would ever sign up for a dead bedroom. It’s absolutely OK to leave over one.
I thought all the Puritans passed away.
There is nothing at all for which you should feel ashamed. Sex, intimacy, companionship.. it’s all part of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like you and your wife are working. In the beginning, it was great, but people do grow and change. You put work in to grow in a healthy way, and it doesn’t seem like she is willing to do the same. You want to build trust and openness with her, and she wants things her way or not at all. You want to be intimate with her, and she has no desire for that. You want to talk about and work on a true partnership with no hiding who you are, and she wants you to not do things because she doesn’t like it or to do things and lie and hide them from you. It doesn’t seem like she wants to have a partner. For all of these reasons, and probably more, it might be best to think of how you can move forward, separately. You care for her, clearly, but are you “in-love” with her still?
Holy age gap
Your wife is a tyrant and your body is your own. I feel sympathy for your situation and imagine you have feelings, but none of this is functional or even morally right. I am so sorry for your heartbrokenness. 💜
Fr bro, don’t waste years hoping they’ll change. If it’s like this now, it’s not gonna magically fix itself. Dip before you get even more stuck
Honestly, I’m not usually one to comment on an age gap, because my stepdad is 18 years older than my mom and they have an amazing life together, but sometimes these age gaps can lead to a imbalanced dynamic forming, and I think this may be one of those situations.
Just feels like she uses her seniority in the relationship to justify the idea that she is always right, and in turn is using that to control your actions while simultaneously excusing her own.
Perhaps therapy will help this situation given time, but it’s also whether you’re willing to wait for something that may never happen… And if you could see 30 years into the future and know that she never changed, would you wish you’d broken up with her when you were still relatively young, and not 59? (Using the life expectancy of ~80).
If you would wish that, then maybe you have your answer.
It seems like she’s acknowledging that she has an “MO” to use sex as a manipulation tactic for creating intimacy and then shutting that down to gain more control of the relationship. Whether she does this consciously or subconsciously doesn’t negate the toxic impact. There also seems to be a pretty significant power imbalance regarding the difference in your age, which is not a problem in itself but it could be notable considering some of be other dynamics going on. Have you considered or asked her why she wants a partner that is so much younger than her? This perhaps makes you easier for her to influence. No offense, but if she isn’t currently making you feel loved and special and beautiful, I think you need to consider what is actually currently keeping you in your relationship, and whether you think the things that are keeping you together truly align with your own personal values.
It’s not too late to get out.
You deserve a relationship that will make you happy and whole and fulfill your needs, not create new ones.
Think about the future of your relationship please. You are reaching 30s which is when most women start reaching their sexual peak. She is already reaching 50s which is the usual menopause range that impacts sex drive. Even if you ignore the part where you cannot have sex with her, atleast having liberty to relieve yourself should be non negotiable.
It’s natural she probably does it too
Imho… u are nuts to stay with her… how many red flags you went???
This woman is 20 years older than you and she is using you and refusing to better herself.
Fear of being alone or lonely is not the same thing as love.
And in any case, you are alone in this marriage.
Ah yes, the Gen X logic: “I can gamble away our money, drive drunk, refuse therapy, and mock your needs… but you are disgusting for quietly masturbating in your own home.” The mental gymnastics is Olympic-level. Love should feel like support, not survival.
Time to move on. Drunk sex is not love making. She is toxic for you. I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. God bless you.
Great deal
Why the fuck are you mastrubating.
Ask her a blow job or quickie.
Do you cum before fully sustained erection.
She strong and she knows how to handle to handle her trauma.
Talk to her just like she spoke to you honestly
I don’t want to tell you things are over, but they are headed that way, so for now, you at least need to separate. This is not a healthy situation, and your wife is unwilling to listen because she is using her trauma as a crutch. So you need to separate and tell her that you need to see actual progress from her or the marriage will end. You can’t live like this, and you don’t deserve the way she is treating you
Well, good luck with this, the masturbation issue seems like it should be WAY down your list ……
Talking about feelings, needs and intimacy are a pretty normal part of communication in a relationship. And yes, also about sex, because why would that be any different than other activitiies which also are being discussed. Masturbating is absolutely normal in a relationship and should be discussed like a normal thing people do instead of secretly doing it in the shower or when nobody’s home. She should have offered you her help when you stated your plans, but I understand her issues based on trauma’s in the past, but at least she could just give you the privacy for selfcare and still sleep in the same bed, maybe even cuddle a bit like a normal couple do. I’m sorry you’re going through this, because I know how it is to have a higher sexdrive than the partner, but he gives me space to play with myself and to explore my body and buying different toys, etc. like I give him space to do the same. You really need to talk this out, because in a relationship there should be space for who you are and your needs and feelings, in the open, just like your wife’s needs and feelings
20 year age gap…. masturbation isn’t the problem…. time to move on.
Honestly although I am straight, and maybe it’s easier to find men who likes women who masturbates. But I love masturbation so much that I would never choose a man who don’t enjoy mutually masturbating with me while watching TV together as our leisure time. I enjoy watching him masturbate and he enjoys watching me. And he can finish inside me. It’s all very pleasurable and happy feelings.
So I don’t think you and your girl are a fit.
Honey, you may love her, but sometimes we can not live with someone no matter how much we love them. She has trauma and really needs therapy. As a genX woman, drunk driving IS NOT NORMAL. She’s weaponizing sex against you. By withholding it & then shaming you for wanting to pleasure yourself. Which you most certainly have a right to do in your own home. You might want to discuss this with your therapist. Show her this post and the responses your getting. I hope things improve for you.
You’re putting in so much work and consideration. She’s not doing either of those things after 3 years and at 49. She’s clearly set in her ways and is emphasizing that fact “this is how i am, you wouldn’t understand”.
Don’t let those few times She’s good overshadow all this terrible behavior. Its not a small amount of shittiness. You love her so much but she doesn’t love you enough sadly. Find someone who isn’t monsterously selfish. I was with my 1 manipulative and selfish ex for 10 years. I wish it was only 3.