My wife tried to kill herself

I’m a mess, but maybe putting this down into words will help. It’s a long story….

Ok, so we’ve been married for 20 years. Ups and downs, good years and bad ones. She has been dealing with depression and anxiety for roughly the past 6 years. This has obviously progressed through the years and our family has suffered with her. I tried my best to support her. Her needs became the priority as her attitude and anger grew whenever things were not catered to her. I’m a service member, and during these last few years I had multiple deployments, which I am sure didn’t help anything, but I have honestly put in everything I had to give in to our relationship the past few years. Things have been very one sided, which I was ok with because that’s my wife, I love her, I want her to get better. Never once I thought about giving up on us. Not even when she cheated (some 15yrs ago), I took her back and did the work to heal our wounds. Looking back, I don’t think she ever took the time to see anything from my perspective. How she was never open to listening to my problems and how what she did (any situation, really) was the problem, not my reaction to it. About a year ago she told me she was “unhappy with her life”, that she felt like she lived in a prison. She did that the week before I deployed. She gave me nothing else to think about for the next 7months. Night after night I struggled with her words. All my efforts had effectively amounted to nothing. The life I build for her and our 3 kids couldn’t make her happy, I couldn’t make her happy. This was a turning point for me. Made me think a lot about the sacrifices I had to make to get us where we were. For years I neglected my needs in our relationship. For her. I put her before myself. I did that because I wanted to see her happy, but here we were. I was deployed and still dealing with crazy and insane jealousy. I had never cheated on her, ever, not once she had and an ounce of truth to her accusations. I finally realized that her unfounded jealousy could only be a reflection of what she knew she was capable of doing. I had reached my breaking point, so 2 months in to my deployment I told her how I felt about the jealousy and everything else I was holding back to. There was never a safe space or a good time to address my needs due to her constant deflecting and defensiveness. I told her that I was no longer interested in continuing our relationship like this. She said she would try to go to therapy, which she did and still does, but things went quiet. The messages between us coming to almost a standstill. A few months later I started talking to someone. She brought me alive and things felt great, nothing like the nightmare that awaited for me at home. I returned from deployment, my marriage essentially broken, my wife still feeling entitled, and I was done. It was clear (we spoke about it) we were no longer together, I would sleep on the couch till now. We lived together for the sake of the kids. I spent a lot of time of my new “friend”. My mind was made up. I wasn’t breaking my marriage because I met someone, truth be told I just learned my worth. If the person I am married to couldn’t see, couldn’t appreciate it, couldn’t be happy with I had to provide, then it’s ok. I was going to leave, with zero expectations that my new “friend” would be anything certain. I waited for the right time, kids away with the grandparents for the week and we had the house for ourselves. The day came where I gathered up the strength to tell her one of us had to move out of the house and we should start the divorce. That morning she went crazy breaking, throwing things and crying hysterically….accused me of not letting her show me she could be better, that I never gave her a chance. The only thing on my mind was the years she neglected me while I did all the relationship work for us. We determined (her choice) that I would stay home with the kids and she would leave the house. Late afternoon rolls around, she wishes me a happy life and that I find the peace I am searching for. Goes upstairs for 10 minutes and then comes down in a hurry to leave the house. She left the house without saying anything. Texts me 2 minutes later to say she won’t be back for a while (this was odd because I have not been telling each other about what and where we go for months). I call her multiple times, no answer. I wonder what she was up to. I go upstairs to make sure she didn’t decide to take all her pills at once or something…that’s when I see the bathroom covered in blood. I’ve see blood before and I knew that was a significant amount. I rush down, get in my car, track her car through the app and call 911….20 minutes later they had found her. They got to her just in time, she passed out on the way to the hospital. She was stabilized and is now doing “well”. How did I feel? Angry at first, because that was selfish (my dad died from suicide), but a few days later I feel incredibly sorry for her. I never held a grudge, as a matter of fact I was and still am her number one supporter, always. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, even if I wasn’t the person that can do that for her. I am broken. Hearing her say she no longer wants to live if we can’t be together. I know we are not good together anymore and I don’t want to hurt her anymore. So now what? Keeping searching for my own happiness? I am at a loss.