I have not brought this up yet because I feel like it is a lose lose situation. I know communication is probably the answer but I wanted to see how unreasonable I’m being first. My 32m wife 33f have been married 6 years dated for 4 and 2 kids. Two weeks ago she found out her ex boyfriend died. He got into drugs and alcohol and basically his liver blew up. At first I asked if she was okay and she said yes. Asked what I could do she said nothing all is good. Well everyday since then I have had to hear about him from her and her mom constantly talking about him. Somewhat annoying but I figured it would fade. But my first red flag that my brain flew up was we’ve had sex twice since and both time she was not into it at all and just awkward. Seemed very obvious she was thinking about him, not sure why she even agreed to the sex though. Then tonight I decided to tag along for dinner with and her mom and our kids. I immediately regretted going because it was all they talked about. I found out at the funeral there was dozens of photos of them from the past plastered all over. I’m not jealous of a dead guy but it’s somewhat humiliating for me because this is in a small town now I have to explain it to everyone who saw pictures of my wife with this guy in romantic ways. Then they start going on saying how great he was and how they really thought they were going to get married and how much of a shame it was that he got into drugs cause they were so perfect. They kept saying crap like that right in front of me and our kids. Really made me feel like I’m #2 in her heart. And her mom kept going on about him and I just felt like she wished she had chose this guy not me. I felt completely insulted. Now my brain is on overdrive wondering if they were in contact during our relationship. The way she’s acting over a relationship that ended 12 years ago when she has a whole family and I’ve been with her 10 years feels like a red flag. My high-school girlfriend could be dead I would never know I am only focused on my family and the past stays there. Even if I did get that news I think I would have the decency to not talk about it infront of her every single day. I just dont get this reaction when i always heard he started doing hard drugs and was abusive toward her at the end. I already know if I bring this up I am going to get called an asshole for not being more understanding and that everyone grieves different. I guess be totally honest and let me hear it am I being an asshole for feeling this way?
My wifes ex boyfriend from highschool died.. aitah?
r/AITAH
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ESH they could be more sensitive yes…Give it a little more time…all funerals etc pass…And you better get your mental shit together now..you know what I’m talking about..give the entire situation some space instead of inserting yourself in the middle of it with weird conspiracy theories.
You’re 100% right here. This is messed up. If one of my exes from many years ago died, I would be sad just like I’m sad any time an acquaintance dies, but I wouldn’t be heavily grieving. I would feel bad for the family, mostly. This level of obsession with the death is weird.
think you’re overthinking it because he is her ex. he was also her peer and her friend who was a close part of her and her mom’s lives for some years.
recently my cousin’s daughter with whom i grew up together as a kid died. we haven’t been in contact for decades but i feel sad and am grieving even though we are not close anymore. it’s like a part of your past is gone?
and who best she can talk this with? her mom. i can’t even talk this with my hub because he never saw her before and he doesn’t get why i even went to the funeral.
It’s understandable to feel hurt and uncomfortable with how much your wife is focusing on her ex. Grieving is personal, but your feelings matter too. It’s not wrong to feel sidelined, especially if it’s affecting your relationship. Try talking to her about how you’re feeling without being confrontational. Express your support for her grief while also making sure your needs are heard. You’re not an asshole, but clear communication is key.
Not the asshole, that sucks and it’s definitely outside of normal realms. Also I would not put up with my kids being exposed to that bullshit. Get the funeral and that stuff done and then talk, and don’t get sucked in with the self victimisation talk eg how would you like it if… I’m sad and you’re trying to make me feel guilty about it. You’re not doing that, you are wanting a talk to see if she is ok, if we ok and if help is needed, why and also limit setting re displaying this in front of the kids
ESH
I had a HS boyfriend pass away when we were about 24. He wasn’t just a bf though. There was a small group of us that had all known each other since preschool, him included. When he passed we were devastated and all a mess for a really long time. I was already married with a child but my husband understood. He didn’t attend the funeral or anything but he let me grieve and move on in my own time. I don’t know her past but it’s very possible he was a good friend before a partner and that’s why she’s hurting. She has a beautiful life with a husband and children and his life most likely ended quite painfully.
I would think this was normal, but saying that they would have gotten married if it weren’t for his issues is just absolutely horrible to say in front of you. I wouldn’t be able to get over that either. My high school boyfriend died in a horrific car crash about 10 years ago, and never once have I ever thought, “What could have been” had he not passed away. We were long broken up when he passed.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It will be okay, I promise. Just ignore them, especially her mom, as best you can, and speak with your wife privately about her very awful and painful comments about their potential future had he not been an addict.
Also, try to keep your poor children away from this. Seems mom and MIL aren’t concerned about how they may be feeling.
You’re up in ur man feels over this. A woman’s first puppy love – which face it at 16-18 that’s what it is- doesn’t go away. It’s always a fond memory to look back but somewhat bittersweet. BUT She picked you and chose you. She had kids with you. She’s reflecting on what might have been if he had lived – this is normal, it doesn’t in any way mean she doesn’t want you or what you have together. She made memories with someone at an important and influential time in life and that person is now forever gone. Give some space and let her grieve. Trust in your wife and get out of your ego.
I think you need to tell your wife you’re over it and you don’t want to hear about him any more. That is he was so wonderful, why did he ditch her for drugs?
She’s obviously reliving a fantasy that never happened, her mother is not helping. She needs to pull her head out of her ass and into the present.
Did you never have a first love? This was her first love and it sounds like it ended terribly. But if she didn’t go through that trauma you wouldn’t have your family. Be grateful and let her grieve. Resentment can cause more damage than you know. Remind her that you’re her new support now.
NTA. It does seem weird but a couple things to remember. The photos of them were most likely his family trying to remember happier days. Everyone grieves differently. There is no one right way. She married you – just make sure to rise above your emotions.
NTA your feelings are valid, sit down and have a conversation with your wife. So weird for her and her mom to be obsessing over him when there’s a history of domestic violence.
NTA- it’s one thing for her to grieve his passing, that’s totally understandable, however I believe it was innappropriate for her and your MIL to make those remarks at dinner, especially in front of your children.
It’s def not a great situation to be in, and it sucks that she hasn’t opened up to you about any of this. Communication is always key (even if it’s hard af). Have you tried to start a conversation and tell her how you feel about all of it? ((Also NTAH))
I was prepared to say you were probably being insecure but honestly I don’t see how that conversation with her mom wouldn’t make anybody feel insecure. I think people do tend to romanticize old memories/dismiss the bad stuff cause they don’t want to speak ill of the dead and it’s nice to remember the good stuff. Losing someone to addiction can be a confusing kind of grief. Like you said though, there’s no reason to be jealous of a dead guy who made poor life choices- she picked and married you. You know your wife best so if you think it’d cause drama it might be best to let it slide. However I think a “I understand you’re sad and rightfully grieving this man you once loved but at dinner with your mom I really started to feel like your #2 choice” wouldn’t be out of line either. Stick to the ‘I feel’ statements, make no accusations or demands. It’s okay to ask for some reassurance.
Poor you. This is excessive and terribly uncomfortable for you to endure. It sounds like the funeral has already occurred and you should let your wife know how the reactions you faced made you feel. Remain calm and honestly express your deep sadness
Dude you need to vent to someone that won’t tell your wife or her friends. I know it’s over prescribed but you could use a confidant, and maybe that could be a therapist.
Not that there’s anything wrong with you. I think you are in the right tbh
They should definitely be more sensitive to you. Give it some time and then try to talk to her about him. Maybe frame it as she’s been talking to her mom a lot.
Grief is an odd animal. It’s possible the relationship didn’t end with proper closure if drugs and alcohol were involved. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t recognize it wasn’t right. She may just be stuck in that high school first love phase.
When someone gets “lost” to addiction, mental illness, etc., you start to mourn the person they were but they are still here and you get stuck. As for the pictures, if his descent into alcohol and drugs happened shortly after their relationship, it may just be as simple as the family wanting to remember him when he was happy and still him.
You are NTA. Give her the benefit of the doubt until you can talk
Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed, and you were saying this about your ex and in front of your kids too. But do it without getting angry or upset.
Apparently it is acceptable to respect your first love while publicly disrespecting your current husband to his face.
Since you MIL is acting the same way is it safe to assume she slept with him also?
Whether she is pinning for a lost life or was cheating with him during your marriage it doesn’t explain her childish behavior.
How does she plan on going forward with you after the funeral? Gaslighting is the only answer so be prepared.
First thing I clocked in your situation is the immediate insertion of your MiL into the conversation. It is entirely understandable, depending on the depth of a HS relationship.
However, your MiL is amping this situation up to purposely get at you for some reason. The reason I say this; barring some super close family friendship between your wife’s and the deceased’s parents; the MiL cannot have been that close to this young man back in the day. The way she seems to be lamenting every detail over and over tells me this isn’t about his passing at all. It is about driving a wedge between your wife and you. Plus she is already reaping the benefit. She is having’ heart to heart talk’ about old family matters you weren’t a part of.
I would allow your wife a week after whatever funeral/ ceremony to process. During this grace period for Her, watch your MiL like a hawk, check her FB. If she is anything like I think she might be, she has her ‘flying monkeys’ to echo whatever she’s hooting about currently and you can point to the pot stirring clearly and unquestionable. Then ask your wife if the space that you held for her for the past week helped her. If she says yes or no either way, it opens up the dialogue so you can express how dismissive it was that your MiL was basically shutting you out of your role. Giving your wife space, grace and quietude is how You wanted to care for her, even if you couldn’t grasp her intense reaction, that is a loving thing to provide a spouse and builds trust. Your MiL and in part your wife made very clear you were being shut out and that is hurtful and overstepping on your MiLs part.
I hope you both have a good talk and she hears you and how this has made you feel also. Unless your wife is completely enmeshed with her mother’s histrionic tendencies and meant to be hurtful, which I do not see any direct indication of, she will understand how shut out you feel. Bless up to you and your family. 🙏
It’s nostalgia. As well as dealing with mortality. Someone very significant from her past has died. She needs to grieve. Also, you are incredibly insecure. You should be embarrassed bro. You’re jealous of a person who died and poses no threat! None. Me! Me! Pay attention to me! Smh. I’m embarrassed for you.
NTA
Perople up here keep saying to give it space? And okay, fine if that loser was her “first love” it would be undestandable and all
And yet you’re stuck in the crossfire
I’d find a time and place where you can speak with her candidly how all of this makes you feel. It’s been weeks and theyre still going on about it, it would absolutely make any guy question
Honestly and I am shocked to not see it suggested yet, seems like something you could benefit from couple therapy. She clearly needs therapy goin thru all that and its opretty rough on you too! your feelings matter and its not easy to having to deal with all that for weeks on end
Id def need that myself. Call me insecure whatever but I personally could not live without a bit of doubt if I had to endure my wife morn an ex for weeks opn end. It’s absolutely fair to feel what youre feel;ing
Damn dude I’m really sorry! Absolutely NTA. My ex is also an addict and I’m more surprised that he is still alive. Your wife is being weird af and so is her mom. How can someone who ABUSED her be a good guy?! If this were me idk if I’d be able to get over my husband saying the things your wife is saying. It’d honestly cause me to probably resent him and question our whole relationship so if that’s what you’re feeling I think that’s completely valid. If you don’t know how to approach her maybe you can recommend couples counseling?
Tell them to STFU about this guy, it’s been enough.
Is this the first death of a friend your wife has experienced? If so, she might simply be navigating in unknown territory. As are you. NAH. You are entitled to your feelings, too. It is good that you have chosen another place to vent. I wouldn’t address it unless it continues after the funeral. Or, you might stress that it is time for some family time to celebrate what you have, so that she is reminded what a gift she has in her family.
Coming from someone who is also married I would feel the same as you. Although that person was apart of her life at one point I think the way she’s constantly bringing it up and how the family is bringing him up is odd. That was a long time ago. Grieving is one thing but I think the comments are odd.
What they are doing is really not ok. Is there no one who can talk about the bad sides to your wife and bring her back to Earth. They broke up for a reason. My mom stopped doing this (after 28 years of being married to my dad) after I actually met her ex just to find out he could not even remember her at all and was not so fantastic. I told my mother openly infront of everyone. She shut up and never mentioned him until her death. You need help and it needs to stop asap, because my dad is a very bitter 88year old
Perhaps let your wife know that you feel like you are being marginalised in her grief.
She’s stuck in What Could Have Been not reality. In reality she would have ended up divorced from an addict not living a fairy tale life.
YTA – hear me out. You’re overthinking this, he is dead. Literally dead. It’s devastating. A guy I dated 10 years ago recently died and I was distraught when he passed because he was a great guy we were friends still to this day and we just didn’t work out. I’m single though. I’d dump you in two seconds if you even indicated you were bothered By my grief.
Keep your thoughts to yourself and forget about it. This is not a red flag for her. You’re the one she chose, you’re the one she loves and be grateful you have a wife that feels safe enough to grieve about him in front of you, that tells me even more how solid you are.
Also on the sex, don’t have sex with a grieving person what the fuck do you think the sex is going to be like. If you do want to bang it out, don’t have expectations, woman don’t do well at the sex things when we are sad. She isn’t thinking about him, she is grieving.
You’re the asshole in this situation,
NTA, at all. Her behavior is abnormal and extremely disrespectful. For those on here making excuses for her, shame on you.
I hate to break this to you, but you are married to what is known as an “alpha widow”. Which means she views this deceased boyfriend as her true soulmate (her actions and reactions prove this), and she settled for you as the next best thing, which is unfortunate for you.
How you handle this information is entirely up to you, but I know if it were me, there would be absolutely no coming back from this.
I agree with your suspicion about them being in contact much more recently.
The level of grief in your wife’s convos with her mom + how your wife’s staying focused on this seems excessive.
(I get the high school BF/GF thing & the planned future 2gether…but unless high school was/is her whole life, this is unbalanced.)
I’d take a good look at her cell phone bills, to start.
I dunno man. People here have a point not to go overboard. She’s grieving. That’s tough.
But there’s “Yeah, we had some good times together” and then there’s “imagine the kids we could have had”.
One isn’t just inappropriate around you and the kids, it’s inappropriate to even say aloud in any company. You need to sit her down and discuss. Ask her if she’s actually OK, or does she needprofessionall grieving help. Because it’s both worrying and hurting you that she feels like her ex was such a fantastic guy to be with. That it’s not fair to you or your children to very verbally come second to a man she seems to wish she stayed with.
It’s very possible she just doesn’t realize how poorly her grief is effecting her. She never will if somebody doesn’t say anything. It certainly won’t be her mom.
like you said in the second sentence, communication is the answer here. she’s allowed to grieve, but you’re also allowed to feel bothered by the way he’s being mentioned even around your kids.
she might not even realize that she’s bringing him up as often as she is or maybe she feels like your silence about it all meant she could bring him up whenever. sit down and have a conversation with your wife and let her know how you feel. she may have said she was fine initially but the reality of his death may have only set in as it got closer to the funeral. I doubt she had something going on with him while she was with you, this was someone who was deeply integrated in her life at one point so it’s natural for her to grieve.
your mind is going to the worst possible place because you’re not talking to her, communicate before you say something in the heat of the moment that you’ll regret after.
You are going to get a split. But yeah communication Big Time. I need you to look up how people react to the death of an old acquaintance who is the same age. Seriously. And then look up survivors guilt.
Survivor’s guilt is a real thing. Someone your own age dying? Super triggering of your own mortality.
I mean it sounds like you initiated sex and you’re mad at your wife not being more into it will at a time that you know she’s mourning a death of someone who was very important to her at one time.
I mean there could be 101 reasons why she wasn’t as into it. That have nothing to do with him specifically. And more about her own mortality.
From the way her mother’s talking about it. This was someone the family knew.
From your reaction, I wonder if your wife didn’t feel comfortable talking with you over her complex feelings to hearing about her ex-boyfriend dying from drugs.
Understand you’re seeing this as all these reminders of a time when your wife didn’t love you. When she loved someone else.
And I’m sure that is very painful.
But understand, she is allowed to mourn the loss of a life wasted by stupid drugs.
And talking to others who knew him as well as one of those ways.
Your wife’s processing a loss. I mean the guy’s dead. He’s not competition. He’s never been competition. And you’re focused how your wife’s morning is making you feel inadequate.
She can be okay and still be in mourning. Like it’s going to sound cold but if my biological father died I would mourn. But I’d be okay. But I would still have my absolute right to mourn. Even though he was someone who hurt me very badly.
NTA
I’m around your age, married with 3 kids. If my ex from HS passed away, I would feel so awkward and embarrassed if his family chose to display photos of me with my ex at the funeral. It sounds like your wife is using happier memories to grieve. Maybe she also feels guilty for her life compared to his. I’m making assumptions. It definitely sounds like she’d benefit from a grief counselor and maybe go together to have a safe space to also share how everything she’s saying is impacting you. Wish you the best.
YTA You need to shut your brain down. I’ve been through this exact scenario. It was devastating because every high school memory I had was tied to this ex. We had many great times with my family so it was sad for them too. Let her mourn this piece of her past. It takes nothing from you and your life together. And she will be over it soon.
There are a few details that are missing to totally understand this situation. Not that those details make a difference in the determination of a-hole-ness. Which by the way, you’re NTA.
I don’t want to assume, but it sounds like they broke up because of the ex’s drug use. It’s easier to disassociate from an ex when the relationship has reached its logical conclusion and they’re not right for each other, and not in love. However, when someone still had feelings for a person when it ended, well, that still occupies a little space in the back of their brain. So on a small level I can understand why this is hitting a little harder.
All that said, it’s disrespectful to constantly ruminate about a former love interest. Especially to the point it’s making your current person feel second choice, or loved less. Even if those things are true, they moved on. They’re in a new relationship. They should want to make their new person feel like they’re #1 no matter what.
Sorry you’re going through this. It hurts. It will pass and your person will come back to you at some point. The question is how much of this are you willing to tolerate before you say enough. I feel like you have already reached that point. You need to put your foot down. Tell your wife and your MIL that they’ve had enough time to morn this person. It needs to stop. If they still need to talk about it, they need to do that on their own away from you and the kids. If they can’t do that you won’t be party to it any more, nor will your kids. You’ll have to do what is right for the rest of your family.
My SO had a boyfriend she thought she was in love with when they dated. He broke it off, she still had feelings. She still had romanticized memories about him. When he died I said that if she needed to go to his funeral I was okay with it but I would not go myself. She said she didn’t need to go. She was surprised it didn’t mean more to her. Anyway, I’m sure it did but she had enough respect for my feelings not to share that part.
NTA
Seems like they made it perfectly clear that they wished he was married to her, not you, and to do it so brazenly in front of you…? I’d be filing divorce papers, kids be damned.
If she’s grieving like this over an ex from so long ago who recently died— she needs therapy. You’re not her therapist and it’s ok for you to tell her that you don’t want to be her therapist and talk her through it. That she needs to discuss it with a professional instead who is trained to talk her through it. It’s not fair to you and she needs the assistance from a mental health expert
You’re the asshole. But not for the reason you think. You need to use paragraphs. Your post was very difficult to read. You’re the asshole for not hitting “enter” every so often…
As for the rest of it, you’re not the asshole. Not yet. You’re both at an age where you may have had brushes with death, but when someone your age dies, someone you had an intimate connection with, it hits harder. All the time she spent with him, good or bad, they are no longer shared memories. That throws us all for a loop. Give her time to grieve. As you pointed out, it’s hard to be jealous when the other person is dead. Let her process.
You say he was doing hard drugs etc. And she probably left him in some small part because of that. Now she may be confronted with, “if I stuck around and helped him, maybe he’d still be alive.” There’s no telling what’s going through her head.
Encourage her to speak to a grief counsellor. Give her some time and space. Let her process what’s happened. She obviously loves you and your kids, but knowing someone you had such a strong connection with has died isn’t easy.
Dude you are assuming a whole lot and attributing bad motives to her. Maybe she’s just sad? Maybe she just lost someone who was a part of her life and she has happy memories of? Maybe your approach was not appealing? I think you are worrying about how you will look to others. Why would you not want to look to others like a calm, self confident real man who understands that there are all kinds of love in this world. Why would you want everyone to know the you’re insecure and jealous? Why showcase your low self esteem? YTA
She’s cheating on you with a dead guy and not into sex with you. You are running to Reddit for reassurance. Think about this
She is mourning what could have been. Nothing wrong with that except she’s gone overboard. She has this idealized version of him and how he could have been. The fact is he was doing hard drugs, abused her and left in a place where she couldn’t be with him. So she moved on and hooked up with OP.
However she is in danger of losing OP if she continues this childish behavior. She has a family with a man who adored her, provided for her and is raising a child with her.
I think OP needs to tactfully remind her of this without putting him down. He’s dead by his own abusive habits. Whatever she may think of him, he’s gone. End of story.
Now the question OP needs to pose to her, does she want her marriage and family to be an End of Story too? If not she needs to make things right with OP.
NTA. I would be feeling some kind of way about it if I were in your shoes too. If any of my exes died, my thoughts/ feelings would range from shocked and sad for his family at the loss of a truly good person to indifference to good riddance, it’s about time. All depending on which ex it was. Beyond that initial thought, i would move on with life, business as usual. Because I wouldn’t spend any time on it, I would be bothered if my SO was dwelling on it and obsessing over it.
First, holy wall of text that was hard to read.
Second. NTA. I’ve been your wife, figuratively speaking. My first high school boyfriend died the same way. I mentioned it in passing to my husband, attended the funeral and that was that. I did grieve, it was someone that I loved at one point in my life but my grief was nowhere near the extent that your wife seems to be going through…and while yes, I do understand that everyone grieves differently your wife is crossing a line that is going to be hard to come back from. I would NEVER do that to my husband. His feelings are much more important to me than that.
You definitely need to talk to her about this and let her know how it’s making you feel, if she doesn’t change maybe it’s time to seek some counseling. Barring that I think if I were in your shoes I’d be reevaluating if that was something I could even forgive.
Don’t usually believe in it but maybe marriage councilling , I do t wish harm on people but if an ex died
I wouldn’t be happy but would feel sorry for her family . Sounds like you were the backup and now she is regretting not trying to help him and be together. Not saying she was cheating but sounds like they had some type of contact either they friends etc . Not good
You need to tell her to move on. If he wanted to marry her 12 years ago, he would’ve married her 12 years ago. Fact of the matter is he didn’t she’s with you so she needs to stop.
I think NTA but you made a mistake in tagging along with her mother.
Space is the order of the day. It’ll help you keep your sanity and give her breathing room.
At some point she’ll remember that she has a husband who didn’t die and you can reconnect then.
She’s a cheater
NTA, I WOULD BE LIVID!!!!!
Sounds like he took her to pound town back in the day
You’re absolutely right. I don’t think I’d ever get over my spouse humiliating me like this. Wow. NTA.