I’m still in highschool, and my brother is five years younger to me. we were pretty close when we were small but like, we had nothing really going on as such in our lives so there were no discussions of what we did in our day, who our friends are, yk like we were just little kids. But now he is going to enter his teenage and I can see him being influenced negatively by people In school, by social media and he is keeping more and more secrets.
problem is that a few years back I started valuing our time together less, prioritising my studies and stuff more over us just hanging out and doing things together like a normal brother and sister would. I realise that naturally he grew tired of trying to get me to play with him and now he actively hates my company,,
I know this is my fault and I should have known better but I’m so scared. I don’t want him to become a terrible person because there was no one to tell him to be better. he says racist, sexist and homophonic stuff which I don’t even know where to start correcting him from.
basically I have no idea how I can be in his life more so that he’d have a trusted person to share his experiences with and not do misguided things which would lead him into trouble. I am so scared that I will be left just watching him turn worse and worse.
please advise me on what I should do now, how I should rebuild the trust between us and how I can get him to realise that he is too young to know what’s right and what’s wrong..
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Idk how old you are and if you are able to drive or head out together 1-1 but I would start there if you can. Alternatively, some 1-1 stuff in the house if you’re both too young to be out unaccompanied.
1-1 is a good place to be because you can have some more honest conversations (scattered amongst the fun) and start to rebuild that relationship.
Something as simple as playing a card/board game together could start the bond again.
You could gently bring up the topics you find his attitude is poor on and try and get him to think about his viewpoints.
We all thought stupid stuff was funny when we were young, and it wasn’t until we started to appreciate the hurt it caused people as we grew up that we decided it wasn’t funny anymore.
Definitely start really gently though and focus on the relationship first before trying to challenge his negative views.
ngl u cant control him but u can be a safe space. even like gaming together or watching dumb vids can open doors to talk about the real stuff later
Tell him you love him and you’ll always have his back. Remind him of that every so often. Siblings are for life and can be your best friends regardless of your differences at various stages of your life.
It’s good u notice this early and wanna do something, not just let gap grow. With siblings it normal closeness change as u both older, but doesn’t mean forever. Best way is start smallshow lil interest in what he like, spend some time doing his stuff, and keep convo light instead of correcting fast. Slowly he feel u safe and fun again.
About the bad things he saying, don’t attack him straight. Teens say shocking things just to test. U can ask gentle questions, share ur view or short story that show why it not good. It put ideas in his head without fight. Main thing is patience u don’t need fix him now, just be there steady. That influence matter more than u think.
I’m in a very similar boat to you. My brother is six years my junior and I just moved away to college. It has been scary and hard to leave. Furthermore, I similarly got to a point of prioritizing my studies and my same-age relationships that I eventually neglected him altogether, in a sense.
As he became more of an outsider in my life, I saw as he grew into more of an individual, making his own friends and memories, exploring his interests and whatnot. However, he, just like many other young boys (including myself when I was his age) has fallen into a sphere of negative influence. Like your brother, he tends to rely on edgy shock humor to get a reaction out of others, meaning racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes.
Personally, I think I was about 15 or so when I finally broke this and finally started to be a more mature and confident person who relied less on putting others down for a couple of laughs. As he is now around that age, I’ve wanted to do everything I could to prevent him from making the same mistakes I did, so I tried. I tried being honest; I tried to tell him about how I was and how I regret it deeply; I tried to tell him about how immature and unfunny my past humor was, but it didn’t work. He’s still the way he is.
And you know what? I can’t do much about that. It isn’t my responsibility. Ultimately, he is living his own life and making his own decisions—and it is from these decisions that he will learn how to be a better, more mature individual. It is unfortunate that he is in this current rut of edginess, but I just have to trust that, eventually, he’ll get past it as his peers mature alongside him. I have to trust that, eventually, he’ll look to me and see that you don’t need to be hateful to be “confident.”
Sorry, I’m very tired, so I’m not sure how coherent all of this is. What I’m trying to say is that you are shouldering a lot of this burden when it isn’t yours to shoulder. It isn’t your fault that he’s getting involved with the people he is. No matter, what, those people aren’t going to go away—you’re not with him at his school to “protect” him, and even if you were, at that age, such “protection” is more often than not seen as affront to one’s individuality.
He doesn’t hate you. Believe me.
My little brother tells me all the time that he wishes I would die and all that nonsense. He tells me some of the most heinous shit, and yet, as our mother shares with me, he talks about me a lot when I’m not around. He misses me now that I’m not home. The sad thing about being a younger male is that emotional sensitivity is not impressed upon you as it is for girls, and thus, boys tend to rely on ironic displays of aggression as a compensation for their emotional vulnerability.
If you want to rebuild a relationship with him, just be present, despite however you believe he feels about you. If you want, try to do an activity you guys used to do when you were younger. Nostalgia can be useful as a bonding tool. Additionally, try to be honest with him. Tell him his humor makes you uncomfortable and that you believe it is immature. While he might not take it seriously at first, it may stay in the back of his head. Perhaps you could write him a letter or something.
I’m sorry, I really have a lot to say, but I’m just so tired. I’ll come back to this tomorrow and revise my words. As of now, I hope there’s something value here for you.
Be consistent Show up regularly in small ways. Even short, positive interactions build trust over time.