so.. my brother is usually the quiet type, keeps things to himself. But last night, out of nowhere, he told me he feels lost, like he doesn’t know what he’s doing with life, and doesn’t want to talk to friends because he feels like a burden.
I just sat there and listened. Didn’t want to say something dumb like “man up” or give a motivational speech. But honestly, I felt useless.
For anyone who’s been in this position, how do you support your brother, your friend, your son in this situation?
What would you have wanted someone to say to you when you felt like that?
Comments
When people reach out they aren’t looking for you to say the right thing. They just want you to listen.
You don’t need to solve his problem. You just need to listen.
He is not just a man. He is your brother, and he trusts you. Do what you can to listen and support him mentally and emotionally. If you can provide some advice without making him feel bad or worse, that’s great too!
No speech. No tips, no advice. You just have to listen and have empathy. If you have similar experiences or feelings you can share, talk about those. Just listening and validating lets him know he’s not crazy to feel that way and that you aren’t going to turn your back on him for having feelings. And that is actually hugely valuable and reassuring to people.
Trying to fix is a losing game- you feel pressure to be an instant life coach, he’s gonna be pissed you think his big issues in life can be solved with bumper sticker solutions.
You already did what he needed and that was listen.
Maybe in a few days hit him up and ask him how he’s doing and if there’s anything you can do to help him out or make him feel better. Explicitly tell him that you’re there for him if he needs to vent or get something off his chest. No judgement.
As others of said I think it’s to listen and then ask if he would like you to do anything to help. Let him know you are there for anything.
Find reasons to hang out more and he will slowly continue to open up.
You did the right thing.
If you feel you need to say something, just say I’m here for you bro, that’s the best response
You’re far from useless, you were there for him, you listened to him without judgement. You were there for him, you allowed him to say what was on his mind. You are a good sibling
Listen, empathise, let him know you’ve been there too, let him know you are both there for each other no matter what.
Be his port in the storm
Give him a hug
he is opening up to you means he trusts you and looks up to you. It is indeed a big responsibility.
Treat him like a friend without being judgmental
Give him choices when he needs your advice and let him make his own decisions.
My 2 cents. Good luck to both of you
Give him a hug
You did exactly what you should have done. Just listen. No one listens anymore.
The most important isn’t what you say to him, but how you respond in actions. If he’s lonely, invite or include him in activities. If he’s unsure about things, support and encourage him. Make an effort to actually help him where he needs it. Sacrifice your own time to support him.
Agreed with the comments. Listen to listen comes a long way of pratices and non-judgmental. If you can open the door for another discussion, then it depends on what that is in supporting him. Meaning don’t be his therapy or psychologist. Instead be curious with openness of asking questions, such as what makes him happy? What does he sees himself in the next 5 years? Does he love to travel? There are books that can support him in self growth, transformation, etc.
Just make sure he knows you support him. It could be an arm around the shoulder. Say I’m always here if you need advice or need to vent. Literally anything to show you care. It’s only awkward if you act like it’s awkward.
You did what he needed most. You listend when he needed it and you said nothing and respected his privacy.
Be accessible and approachable so he has the feeling he can ask for your help or just for you to listen. Say something only if he directly ask you for your opinion or advice.
What age range are you both in? I’ve been through these feelings at various points in my life and the advice I would give to myself as an early teen versus mid 20s or late 30s is very different.
It’s good he came to you. It shows he trusts you. Whatever he tells you should NOT be discussed with anyone else unless absolutely necessary and with his permission- including this platform.
Listen to him first – most of the time he may just want to vent and have someone there to understand where he is coming from. Do not be judgemental – just ask questions and offer suggestions. It’s a back-and-forth process. You need to work out how this is going forward on the fly.
See if your bro wants to join you in any activities you think he’ll like to join. That’s a start. Then he can start working on his own friend group.
Lastly, don’t overrule professional help if he needs it. And you may want to go with him. It takes time but with your help I’m sure he’ll get there.
I would offer to do some kind of activity together where he has opportunity to talk with me more about what’s on his mind and maybe slip in my life advice and share my experiences where I can, while we’re both mostly distracted doing the thing together. Could be hiking, fixing bicycles, pickleball, video games, whatever we’re both into.
On family vacations to the beach my brother and I grab our boogie boards and go way out to where’s it’s just us and the fishes. Our conversations get deep as the ocean beneath us and he has opened up to me about a lot of us his stresses.
I just let him know that from the outside he is killing it as a father and husband, and remind him I always got his back. It’s really all I know to say.
Even if all you do is listen, I’m sure that’s all he needs. Getting it out is the most important and being the safe zone for him is 100% doing your part.
First, tell him that you are happy that he felt comfortable enough to approach you to come to hi. Let him know that you will listen and there will be no judgment from you. You can respond with something like you have went through the same feelings. Explore different area of interest as an example before deciding what he wants to do career wise. The conversation will begin to flow freely and both of you can learn from each other.
“Thank you for telling me this, I am glad you are not keeping it buried. I don’t know what to say, what would make you feel better, for now I will just listen.”
Just listen to what he has to say. He trusted you to be able to share these feelings with and that’s just what he needed, to share. If he needs advice he will ask you for it but just try to show him support and kindness in the mean time so he doesn’t feel like he was a burden to you by sharing
You are not always going to give a solution, listening and trying to understand is probably the most valuable thing here, then you can give an opinion, share similar experiences, propose a solution.
Listen, but don’t judge.
If you have opinions, deliver them gently. Once you start imposing your own opinions on his things, he’ll start being selective about what he feels comfortable sharing with you, so if you do feel strongly about something, make sure you word it properly.
Listen, don’t interrupt. Let him talk uninterrupted for as long as he needs to. Encourage him to let out whatever he needs to, but don’t force it.
Be a safe space for his feelings.
Listening was the best thing. The only thing to say maybe. Was I understand, or I get it. Letting him feel heard, while also reinforcing he’s not weird or wrong for this is good. Hitting him up soon after saying you appreciate that he was able to open up, and If he ever needs to. He’s not a burden.
You can show him shwetab ganwar and acharya Prashant on yt
Or tell him just logically and practically think what you like and try out things.
Did you ask him what his needs are? How can I best support you right now? Do you need me to listen, help you make a plan/goal and help you to reach them….
How about you ask him what he wants or needs? Is he trying to get feeling off his chest and talk to someone? Is he looking for a different perspective? Is he want a comrade in misery? Is he want an anchor point?
Do you guys have a male role model?
What I would tell you is, You did the right thing by listening.
Now what I would tell you is, I know it seems life is difficult.
But look for people in your life that you admire, or people in your life you can emulate, so that you can learn to take life on instead of feeling overwhelmed by it.
Life is all about learning lessons,
You either learn them by making good choices or bad choices,
And they each come with consequences,
The only bad part about this is that sometimes you don’t know if your choice was a good one or not until after you’ve made it.
I hope this helps.
I have a brother who’s 7 years younger and another brother that’s 9 years younger than me. They did great by learning via my fuck ups in my youth and didn’t repeat any of my tom foolery. But when they eventually came to me for advice, I knew they really just needed to listen to them, and assure them, no that’s not a dumb concern. Their questions were not so existential, and usually related to girls(how to know if a girl was into them and ask them out, is it normal for a girl to want this, or are all women this crazy). They were only 16 and 14 when I got married, but I took both of them with me to pick out the ring. 10 years after that the older of the two asked how I knew my wife was the one, when I had an inkling that he wanted to pop the question to his girl. I told him She was the first girl I missed when I went on vacation without her. She seemed to make every aspect of my life better when she was there, and worse when she wasn’t. I asked if he was friends with his girl, or were they just lovers. He said well of course they are. I explained how I think that’s part of a long lasting relationship, and that I see my wife as my best friend. I told him looks eventually fade, but friendship is what keeps the flame burning. Friends can see through indifference, lovers can’t.
You’re the older brother, just be yourself. You can show your brother it’s ok for one man to show another emotion. You’re their role model in this situation. If you’re awkward with them, they’ll be awkward with others in the future.
Well, not quite the same, buy my brother came out as gay to the family so I took him out to celebrate. The rest of the family needed a bit of time to digest the news.
Bap it up.
Tell him, “I’m always here for you bro.”
Then ask, “How can I be helpful?”
Don’t try to give advice unless you’ve actually been where he was and feel you can help. Just listen, acknowledge his troubles, and be there for him if he needs you. You sound like a thoughtful guy.
Being there is enough
I think you did the best thing. You don’t want to scare him or anything. He wants to feel understood and wants someone to listen.
All feelings are temporary. They are messages from the subconscious. Find a way to explore them, and you make them smaller. Make them make more sense. Before you know it, you’re into a new feeling. Maybe your brother just needs to self reflect a bit. Find something meaningful to him to build in life.
Three things:
Ask him how you can best support him.
Give a patient listening …
That would be needed the most
Make his info confidential,ask him how you can help,adopt him as your personal responsibility for a period of time ,get him to do stuff with you or show him your craft while he finds himself and make sure his not being a danger to himself -first 5 steps
It’s not the appropriate response, per-se (but also kinda what someone really wants to hear), but I always think back to the Zuko “that’s rough, buddy” meme
Someone to just go “yeah that sucks”. No advice. No fixing. Just someone to acknowledge that the problem isn’t “just you”. Offering solutions comes when they are actually looking for them
Well you did the first thing by listening. But then perhaps by not engaging, you may have sent the wrong message to him. Yes, it’s important to be a listener but this is your brother. You don’t need to do a motivational speech, but just talking normal and having a conversation to get a little deeper to the cause of why he might feel this way is absolutely appropriate. It’s your family. Sometimes people reach out to those who they feel like they can trust and are seeking the extra input from someone. There are people that sadly reach out Before doing something to themselves out of their own desperation. Maybe it’s good to check in with your brother from time to time. Not saying you need to do it every other day but give him a call, not a text message. Just say hey, how are things going today. Or hey What are you up to. Checking in let people know that you care. I am not judging or being rude with my response, because it’s still a good start that you listened. But reach out to him. Clearly he’s struggling with something and in my personal Experience, with my younger brother who has done something similar to what you’re talking about, I make it a point to check in with him from time to time. We live over 600 miles away from each other but I might get a text message back after a phone call that simply says thanks bro, so glad you keep in touch With me.
Just listen to him and give him control over the conversation. Ask him if want to have a beer
Don’t see it as supporting a man. See it as supporting someone you love and care about.
Think to yourself how would you like to be comforted and supported?
He clearly thinks highly of you and has alot of love for you just by opening up. It’s quite difficult to do.
Just be there for him. Listen to him and just be an awesome sibling.
🙂
Thank him for opening up and tell him you love him and you’ll be there to support him always. Then ask if he needs advice or if he just wants to be heard.
Listen, acknowledge/validate his feelings. If he asks for advice, ask him what he thinks he should do.
You listen without judgement, do not give advice unless asked. Be patient and kind. If they ask for advice be kind. Ask how you can help them. They need someone to listen to them , so listen.
You’re going to think this is a joke, but Zuko did it right: “That’s rough, buddy.” I would leave off the “buddy.”
mostly listen. don’t offer solutions, perspectives, opinions or judgements unless specifically asked for it.
you don’t have to agree with anything being said but you need to agree that what is being said needs to be heard.
The manning up part was opening up to you to begin with. It shows you he trusts you enough to handle his emotional burden with care. Ask him what he’s doing and what he wishes he were doing. Help him see the path to connect those dots.
Why would it be awkward? You listen and then ask if they need something from you.
What you did was sufficient. He felt your energy. You wouldn’t have sat with him and allowed him to vent if you didn’t support him. Thats how men show support.