My(19 F) boyfriend (21 M) told me he is “sick and tired of being told what to do” I’m not sure what to do.
Sorry in advance if there’s grammatical errors.
Hi
Like it says in the title My(19 F) boyfriend(21 M) told me he is sick and tired of being told what to do.
I guess I can start from the beginning. This may be long. . Since my bf is 21 he goes out with our roomate(one of his college buddies) quite a bit. Which I get here and there but at the same time it gets annoying when I’m stuck here all alone with nothing to do or anyone to hang out with when they go out get belligerently drunk and stay out till 2am. And in the past times I do get pretty upset, which I have been working on so I don’t make his time out miserable.
Fast forward to last night. Him and his buddies go out. With my job at the vet clinic I have to be on call on specific weekends, this weekend was one of them. So when I was going to bed I texted my bf asking if they could try and be quiet when they get back, since I am on call. Just so I can get as much sleep as possible in case I get called at 3am. He said yes and goodnight. As far as I was aware everything was fine and good and I went to bed. In the past I would ask where he was and try to text him throughout the night for updates more for my peace of mind just in case he got into a sticky situation. But I did not do this last night because it irritates him.
A few hours later they get home, I hear loud crashing lots of laughing and raised voices in our apartment. And that makes my dog bark. I let him out of my room because he wouldn’t stop and I walk out there, as I was walking out my bf falls on the ground almost landing on the dog which scares him so I go back to the room.
My bf walks in and goes to the bathroom. I go in as well and ask him “if next time he can be quieter when he comes in”
and granted i am pretty grumpy at this point. He says” yeah” in a very nasty upset tone.
So I ask him what’s wrong and why is he upset. He says nothing.
He lays in bed leaving the light on so I get up and turn it off. And I ask him again what is wrong I don’t understand.
That is when he said “I’m fucking sick and tired of being told what to do” this sends me into a spiral, I’m very confused I thought what I asked was very reasonable.
I continued to try and figure out what was wrong but he rolled over and went to sleep.
I didn’t get to sleep until probably around 4:30am.
I through a note together of what I wanted to talk to him in the morning about how I felt extremely disrespected and that my feelings were severely hurt.
Later in the morning when he woke up I asked him if he was upset or mad at me and he was very confused and said no. This is when I go on to tell him what he did and how it really hurt me. It was very nasty of him. He pushes it off saying he doesn’t remember and that he is really tired and doesn’t feel good. And then acts for the rest of the morning like everything is fine between us.
He had made plans to stay the night with some friends at their house tonight. They left at 3, at 5:30 he texts me “I’m sorry about last night it’s really eating at me” I say “oh well you didn’t really seem bothered at all this morning” he goes on about how he wasn’t feeling well and was tired.
I tell him “I get it I’m hard to deal with but I have been really trying and working on it. But I don’t deserve that when I have done nothing” and he agrees with me and says I’m correct. And then I go on to say that next time if he is like this and coming home to not bother at all or sleep on the couch. Or I will leave and find somewhere else to stay. -and I said “this may sound harsh but I’d like to avoid this situation next time” he said he understood and will think about that next time.
He then tells me “I do feel pretty icky about it that’s not very cool of me so I hope you understand I do feel gross about it” and I responded with “Yea it’s just hard for me to since you didn’t really seem to care at all this morning and acted like we were all good. I get it you weren’t feeling good and was tired but there was no sympathy at all”
So that’s where it’s been left I’m not really sure where to go from here I’ve just been dry and haven’t really accepted his apology. It’s really hard because I’ve been getting better about my communication and then things like this happen and it really kicks me down.
Idk what I want from this more of just advice and really just needed to vent
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Backup of the post’s body: My(19 F) boyfriend (21 M) told me he is “sick and tired of being told what to do” I’m not sure what to do.
Sorry in advance if there’s grammatical errors.
Hi
Like it says in the title My(19 F) boyfriend(21 M) told me he is sick and tired of being told what to do.
I guess I can start from the beginning. This may be long. . Since my bf is 21 he goes out with our roomate(one of his college buddies) quite a bit. Which I get here and there but at the same time it gets annoying when I’m stuck here all alone with nothing to do or anyone to hang out with when they go out get belligerently drunk and stay out till 2am. And in the past times I do get pretty upset, which I have been working on so I don’t make his time out miserable.
Fast forward to last night. Him and his buddies go out. With my job at the vet clinic I have to be on call on specific weekends, this weekend was one of them. So when I was going to bed I texted my bf asking if they could try and be quiet when they get back, since I am on call. Just so I can get as much sleep as possible in case I get called at 3am. He said yes and goodnight. As far as I was aware everything was fine and good and I went to bed. In the past I would ask where he was and try to text him throughout the night for updates more for my peace of mind just in case he got into a sticky situation. But I did not do this last night because it irritates him.
A few hours later they get home, I hear loud crashing lots of laughing and raised voices in our apartment. And that makes my dog bark. I let him out of my room because he wouldn’t stop and I walk out there, as I was walking out my bf falls on the ground almost landing on the dog which scares him so I go back to the room.
My bf walks in and goes to the bathroom. I go in as well and ask him “if next time he can be quieter when he comes in”
and granted i am pretty grumpy at this point. He says” yeah” in a very nasty upset tone.
So I ask him what’s wrong and why is he upset. He says nothing.
He lays in bed leaving the light on so I get up and turn it off. And I ask him again what is wrong I don’t understand.
That is when he said “I’m fucking sick and tired of being told what to do” this sends me into a spiral, I’m very confused I thought what I asked was very reasonable.
I continued to try and figure out what was wrong but he rolled over and went to sleep.
I didn’t get to sleep until probably around 4:30am.
I through a note together of what I wanted to talk to him in the morning about how I felt extremely disrespected and that my feelings were severely hurt.
Later in the morning when he woke up I asked him if he was upset or mad at me and he was very confused and said no. This is when I go on to tell him what he did and how it really hurt me. It was very nasty of him. He pushes it off saying he doesn’t remember and that he is really tired and doesn’t feel good. And then acts for the rest of the morning like everything is fine between us.
I tell him “I get it I’m hard to deal with but I have been really trying and working on it. But I don’t deserve that when I have done nothing” and he agrees with me and says I’m correct. And then I go on to say that next time if he is like this and coming home to not bother at all or sleep on the couch. Or I will leave and find somewhere else to stay. -and I said “this may sound harsh but I’d like to avoid this situation next time” he said he understood and will think about that next time.
He then tells me “I do feel pretty icky about it that’s not very cool of me so I hope you understand I do feel gross about it” and I responded with “Yea it’s just hard for me to since you didn’t really seem to care at all this morning and acted like we were all good. I get it you weren’t feeling good and was tired but there was no sympathy at all”
So that’s where it’s been left I’m not really sure where to go from here I’ve just been dry and haven’t really accepted his apology. It’s really hard because I’ve been getting better about my communication and then things like this happen and it really kicks me down.
Idk what I want from this more of just advice and really just needed to vent
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Break up and move on.
You sound exhausting.
I would love to hear from him.
Get rid, move on, next
He sounds like he could have an issue with alcohol. Just my opinion but if you do things in a blackout that you tend to regret later maybe its time to consider lightening up on the drink or quitting entirely. I have been sober a year and things are tough but there is a better way to have fun and live one’s life.
It reads to me that he truly doesn’t remember how he acted in the morning because he’s getting blackout drunk.
If it’s a frequent occurrence, and this side only comes out when drunk, then maybe his drinking to excess is the actual issue.
Sometimes it’s not you it’s them. Just dump him, you deserve better!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He has a problem with alcohol. You can’t have big conversations when someone is blackout drunk.
Here’s the thing: you are the person with a reason to be mad. You didnt need to get to the bottom of why he’s upset with you right then, because you were the one with a right to be upset and you needed to sleep. You should have ignored his hissy fit and gone to bed, and set him straight the next day.
You done nothing wrong. Your BF is just an alcoholic and wants to hurt the people around him anyway he thinks he can get away with.
It’s not supposed to be this hard. No relationship is perfect or always easy, but at 19 you don’t need to be mothering and babying a 21 year old with a drinking problem.
He is acting like an irresponsible adult completely disregarding you. If there isn’t active effort to change from his side, you’ll be dealing with a boy and end up spending your days being the MOM.
YOU ARE NOT DIFFICULT.
Get out now. I wasted 25 years with an alcoholic who would do and say the most hateful shit and then got to hide behind it and say he didn’t remember. The vague apology by text is a dead giveaway to me. It’s because he doesn’t want to face you.
And I’d be willing to bet that if you persist, he’ll get pissed off and say this is why he was mad, miraculously now remembering.
Don’t do it. You have a future, you’re young and have a job. Don’t waste it on a guy who’s putting all his energy into his buddies and booze.
why are you with someone who obviously doesn’t care about you
How old were you when you met? Because if this has lasted a while and you were dating in HS it just shows he isn’t ready to be an adult or with someone who acts like one.
You have a job you are responsible about. He gets to go drink to the point he doesn’t remember when he wakes up. This is not a good sign and it isn’t ok to stay just because he is only bad when he drinks. I’ve seen so many friends hope they can change a guy and you can’t unless they want it. Which he obviously doesn’t.
I think his drunken disrespect has just broken your trust and him apologizing isn’t really going to be enough for you. You need him to show you through consistent actions that he values you, respects you, and wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Everybody’s relationship is different, and you two are quite young, but he’s acting like a frat boy and not like someone in a serious relationship who lives with their SO. Honestly? I think it would take a pretty big lifestyle change from him for you to be able to feel good bout this relationship.
I’m wondering why when he goes to bars, why don’t you make plans with other people? Don’t you have friends?
I don’t understand needing to check up on him when he’s out, what “sticky” situations are you thinking are occurring?
At 21, going to bars is a pretty regular normal thing to do with your friends on the weekends. Happy hour with friends after work. Then you get older, have kids or more important jobs, so that phases out. All of my friends and I have gotten stupid drunk at least once, then you learn to not do it again. My bf and I and our friends often stayed out till 2am and then went home. Sometimes we got too drunk and loud and bothered the other one who stayed home for whatever reason. Granted we’re the same age so we both were legally able to go to the same places. So if we were too loud we’d apologize and quiet down and apologize in the morning.
Without more context I’m not going to say he has a drinking problem. Just acting like a young guy.
I didn’t text him when he went out without me, he doesn’t text me when I’m out with my friends. We text each other what time we’ll be home, if we ate food or will be grabbing food, that’s pretty much it.
I don’t feel the need to be in contact with someone when they are out with their friends.
Yes he was rude when you needed sleep cause of your job, but I do understand how he might feel like he’s being treated like you’re his mom.
Just break up. He’s not mature enough to be in a relationship.
No one should have to try this hard to get basic respect from someone who claims to love them.
You can quietly ask for reassurance if that’s what your control issue is about, but you need to make sure your moral stance is in line with someone else’s before you dive off into a relationship with him or her. Being bossed around is never fun and if you tell someone else what to do all the time they are going to get bitter and completely rebel against you. Plus it’s like taking someone down Sesame Street. He’s not a child. I’m sure he wants the same respect he has afforded you.
i get trying to be understanding, but you also deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home. if he can’t handle being asked to be quiet for one night, that’s a red flag.
ESH.
He sucks for getting falling down drunk, making noise and refusing to communicate.
You suck for being weirdly clingy texting your partner through the night when he’s out, and for leaving notes lecturing him instead of just waiting until he’s ready to have a proper conversation.
You seem kind of self-righteous too, claiming arguing in the middle of the night is “very reasonable” and sound kind of smug.
Also telling your partner to not bother coming home is close to breaking up anyway. Just end it and move on.
You’re both extremely young and have a lot of learning and living to do before you’re ready to settle down. You seem to think this is a very different relationship to the one he seems to be thinking of.
Dump him
He is doing you a favor. Let him go. There are better men in your future.
I stopped reading when you started off complaining about a guy hanging out with his friends.
You are his girlfriend and not a buddy. You should have your own friends.
He has a drinking problem and I’m gonna be real with ya.
I’m almost 40, I was a drunk for many years. If you feel you need to keep tabs on him/get updates thru the night in case of a “sticky situation”, not only does he have a problem, it’s a problem that is out of your hands.
You don’t need this kinda stuff in your life at 19, I promise.
I get that u haven’t made any friends there yet. But I also feel that in a relationship there should b communication on both sides. Like him letting u know approx what time he will b home.
As for the issue of coming home drunk and being noisy, for some ppl, the one goes with the other. Ever heard of a drunk whisper? The drunk one is yelling while insisting they r being quiet. This is usually ur sign u have had far too much to drink. By that point u also can’t walk straight. If this is a common thing with him then he’s definitely drinking too much. If he does this often then there’s a few issues here: 1 lack of respect for u, cuz he could drink less and come home at a decent hour, 2 I would b concerned he’s becoming an alcoholic.
To address what he said: u r not being “difficult” about anything except the constant texting, which u said u have stopped. The rest of it us basic courtesy and respect for ur partner. Does he commonly put himself first? If he does then there’s no amount of communication that will fix that.
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. I feel a codependent relationship here. Relationships can and should be peaceful and you guys are totally on different stages in life.
Leave. He seems to care more about his bros than you, if he was really sorry he could’ve stayed home the next day and spent time with you. I promise you he won’t change my dad continued to do it years into marriage and 2 kids later until my mom finally divorced him.
why are you living with him at such a young age? He doesnt respect you and doesnt want to settle down at such a young age so go live your life on your terms there will be other guys but right now let him do his thing and you do yours….you will grow to resent each other because, he will keep doing it and you will keep getting upset…so move on
“I get it I’m hard to deal with but I have been really trying and working on it.”
—This is why you’re with a guy like this. A guy that gets blackout drunk. A guy that hangs out with his friends and leaves you at home. A guy who disrespects you, and your need to get sleep, and your job. A guy who insults you and makes his bad behaviour your problem.
I have absolutely no idea why, at 19 yo you’re living with any guy, but you really do need to sort yourself out. This isn’t sustainable. He’s a shit bf and you’re being a doormat.
Relationships, especially when you’re young, are supposed to be fun. This sounds like something out of a Catherine Cookson novel. Don’t waste anymore of your time or life on this. Don’t fall into the age old trap of “But I love him!” Get out now and save yourself a lot of trouble and heartbreak months or even years down the line. And please, know your own worth!!
Never try to have a serious conversation with a drunk dude who’s been out with his buds all night. It’s just an exercise in futility.
If he comes home like this often, leave bedding on the couch & send him there.
Do not, repeat, do not take to heart anything a drunk dude blathers to you about after drinking all night. Oh it’s fine to remember it (that’s your Super Power) but do not give it any weight.
You can bring it up in a discussion when he’s sober & only when he’s sober. That’s when you let him know it is completely UNACCEPTABLE for him to speak to you in that manner & HE needs to work out how he OS NOT going to repeat that behavior, because YOU are not having it anymore.
You sound a bit needy sorry.
i feel like… i feel like i would respond differently to someone who is not feeling their best than you had. just for the sake of this conversation if it develops into one, i feel like it is likely that you could treat him better, especially with the way you… handle him. god speed.
You know, you being bored is no one else’s responsibility, get a hobby and stop putting that frustration on others.
You guys need to live separately and you guys need space.
You’re the victim in an abusive relationship. Get out of it.
Get single for a while and work on your mental health and next time date someone who is aligned with your lifestyle
He’s an alcoholic who is truthful when drunk. He doesn’t care about you. Leave and find someone who does care, even when drunk
He is not ready for a relationship; move on.
Your bf is prioritizing going out drinking w his buddies, rather than spending time with you, bc he is an alcoholic. He can’t even go out w/o getting ripping pissed every time, disregarding your request for them to be quiet since you’re on-call for work. It’s not a huge ask, but it is to someone who’s piss drunk.
You sound like the responsible one out of the three of you, and you’re the youngest. I hope your bf and your roommate work and contribute, and not just dump the financials and responsibilities on you. Him saying he’s “tired of being told what to do” by you gives me the impression you’re more his mom than his gf bc he’s an immature drunk.