My(22f) bf (25m) of nearly 3 years has made me loose confidence in having sex with him and i feel its killing my sex drive…
My(22f) bf (25m) of nearly 3 years has made me lose confidence in having sex with him, and i feel it’s killing my sex drive
To make a long story short. My and I have had sex 4 times since September. I had gone away to work in america for 3 months. Had a really shit experience (genuinely traumatising), and when i returned sex was..different. it was more aggressive the first night, had one round i didn’t really get off, and then we didn’t have sex for a while. I would try to initiate, but he didn’t really seem interested, so i wouldn’t push because i didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. And i know he was worried about me when i was working because of all the stuff going on.
I lost a lot of confidence when he once cuddled me from behind, and when i tried to scootch closer to him, he stopped me and asked what i was doing as if I had done something wrong.
Then i had some health concerns which worried him more. I had lost my voice, had a surhery and then was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in may, its very very early on, they had already removed the tumour in the first surgery and it was the only one and the chance of me recovering is very very high and i only need to have tablets. but we had spoken about that in January. He told me he felt unsure because he was worried about my health and that sometimes he just wasn’t interested (which is fine, obvs). I would try to assure him that i was okay and that unless i say otherwise that i feel ill to just assume that im well enough to which he agreed to. And i even reassured this with him in May after my diagnosis.
Ontop of that, our sex is…boring. It’s always i give head. He gives head, and then we do missionary. I will casually try throwing out suggestions to change it up because at the beginning of the relationship, we would do different things, but he always seems to recoil from the idea or brush it off as a joke.
I had asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted to start trying to have sex again, and he agreed, saying he was glad i asked because he had been feeling unsure because of my health. We finally had sex for the first time this year 2 weeks ago. He initiated, it wasn’t romantic or sexy. He just kinda made a stiff hip gesture and a weird sound. To the point that I first thought he was joking and then had to confirm with him multiple times that he wanted to have sex. We still didn’t do it for another half an hour or so after cause he dipped off to the toilet for 15 minutes and then flopped back down on the bed on his phone as if he didn’t just ask for sex. I wasn’t really turned on, but I figured i would get more into it as we did it. Which i kinda did. But when it came to him going down on me, he complained midway through about how it was difficult (which he has neber done) and i immediately losy all my sex drive, feeling anxious that inwas taking to long or he was bored or something. We went the full way and cuddled after, but i just felt…idk like gross.
And now i feel completely disinterested and anxious around sex again (which i haven’t felt since my ex). In other non sexual aspects, he’s been a great boyfriend, supportive, kind, loving, and affectionate. He’ll dote on me and look after me. But when it comes to sex it feels like he just… doesn’t want to do it anymore. And its killing my sex drive and self confidence because ive assured him so many times about my health now that im not sure what else to say, and part of me wonders if hes just mot attracted to me any more (the only thing thats changed about me is my hair is brown instead of red now and i have 3 more tattoos since we started dating) but he gets anxious about the idea of breaking up. Whenever we have a serious conversation, he always gets anxious if he thinks it might lead to the end of the relationship, and he will usually shut off at some point during the conversation because of his anxiety
So i don’t know what to do. Am i just getting in my own head here?
TLDR: My boyfriend made me completely disinterested in sex after only having sex 4 times in 10 months and complained midway through. Im not sure if its because hes worried about my health, lost attraction, or im just getting in my head, but he will shut off during serious conversations because of his anxiety so i dont know how to address this in a way ill feel satisfied with the outcome.
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Hey so you do need to have a serious conversation with him about this, especially if sexual compatibility is important to you in a relationship. If you can respect his anxiety he can respect yours. I had a similar issue with my bf and we’re still working through it but honesty and willingness to adapt is really important. If you’re struggling with finding the confidence to talk to him maybe make note of what you do like and what you don’t with other options you want to try and see where that goes. His anxiety is valid but it will lead to the end of this if he can’t work through it and while it’s not entirely his fault it is his responsibility (as much as yours) to want and work for a happy and healthy relationship. You got this🫶