Throwaway because this is mortifying to talk about. SO my oh so lovely boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. He has definitely been more of a drinker than me throughout our whole relationship. It never really bothered me unless he got way to drunk which was few and far in between. Well… very recently he has been literally pissing in our bed after he drinks.
The first time it happened I didn’t want to believe thats what happened but I understand we are all human and well shit(piss) happens. Then once again I woke up and my bed was wet… and again… and then once again.. Its EXHAUSTING because hes completely out of it and has no clue whats happening since hes pretty much asleep and im fighting at 3am to change the bedding and then having to get in the shower.
I got annoyed at first, then I understandably started to get angry. Ill ask him “what the fuck are you doing” but he is in some weird state of half awake and sleep walking that I get nowhere with him. Then in the morning im overwhelmed by just straight embarrassment that I cant get my feelings across. I in no way want him to think that this is just okay?? I gave him a look when he had a beer the other night and told him that I absolutely do not want a repeat of the last time he had drank. He asked me if I want him to stop drinking and I basically said im not his mother im not going to tell him what to do but he knows how his actions effect me and I would hope he cares enough to think about that.
Im disgusted by this and exhausted and I feel like i cant tell anyone in my life because its SO EMBARRASSING. Im also concerned that the alcohol is more of a problem with him than what i first thought. If he is struggling with that I want to help and support him 100% but if he doesn’t see this as a problem then whats the point. Im a grown woman and he is a grown man, he shouldn’t be pissing the bed and I shouldn’t have to be changing the sheets like his mother.
I know some people might ask why I clean up, and why Im not making him do it. I dont have a straight answer and I know I should. I have a weird need to take care of people in my life but this feels like im getting stepped on. I also just know he will most likely just rip the sheets off and fall back asleep. I genuinely love him a lot, I just need to know if this is something that I should fight to get past.
TLDR: my boyfriend cant handle drinking and pees the bed and ive been stuck cleaning everything up
Comments
He has a serious drinking problem. Stop sleeping over when he drinks. Or better yet dump him until he stops drinking.
You can’t change him. Are you cool with dating a guy who drinks so much he pisses himself? If you knew this on day one, would you go on a date with this person?
If he’s fine with peeing the bed every time he drinks, he’s got a problem. My partner did that once and now I’m insistent that she pees right before bed any time she drinks. So far, so good.
He has a drinking problem. If he won’t quit drinking, I’d move on. I’m not in the mood to be someone’s mom.
This is embarrassing for both of you. Embarrassing for him that he does it. Embarrassing for you that you’re putting up with it and LITERALLY CLEANING IT UP? What the fuck?
You should dump him. We’re on a floating rock with 9 billion people, you can find one without an alcohol addition that will wreak havoc on the rest of your life. Dude is a loser.
Either the alcohol goes, he goes or adult diapers.
“I have a weird need to take care of people in my life but this feels like im getting stepped on.”
If you don’t figure this out now, I promise you that it will follow you the rest of your life.
Tell his mom. Contrary to popular belief, shame can be an extremely powerful motivator in changing behavior.
My cousin is a drunk and does this and his wife simply sleeps in another bedroom
He pisses the floor, takes shits in the sink, etc
It’s an alcoholism issue
Was married to an absolute raging alcoholic. Never once peed in bed. Your oh so lovely bf is in deep and you seem to not understand that. Please please think about this like your future depends on what you do. Because it does.
Sounds like he needs a pee pad for his side of his bed. The only thing that might stop him is shame
He should be fighting to get past this.
He shouldn’t even be asking you to be his mommy, and tell him not to drink.
He should be saying “Shit. That is a problem, and I will stop/seriously limit my drinking to address that problem. And maybe see a doctor because I’m way too young to be experiencing incontinence.”
He should be a rational enough adult to realize he will end his relationship with you, and most other sane women, if he doesn’t change this behaviour.
If he’s not, then not only does he have a seriious drinking problem, a hygine problem and he’s deeply inconsidrate … he’s also too fucking dumb! He’s straight up too fucking dumb to date, if he doesn’t recongize this is a problem that makes him undatable. How can you trust someone that willfully stupid to share a lease or a credit card or watch a small child. That’s too fucking dumb hun.
This is alcoholism. Alcoholism destroys lives and relationships in so many more ways than just bed wetting.
At this point, there are three possible paths:
he gets his shit together and stops drinking
you end this now
you stay with him and it ends messily and painfully after a loooong, protracted and miserable struggle against his addiction that you can not win
your boyfriend is routinely drinking so much that he pisses the bed, and you are beginning to wonder if he has an alcohol problem? girl.
he’s an alcoholic. if you’re fine with that and want to stay together, refuse to sleep in the same bed as him if he’s been drinking
He’s not half asleep. He’s passed out and his brain literally can’t form or retain memories.
If he’s gonna drink that much he needs to sleep on a mat on the floor, like a dog.
You’re 24. Welcome to life with an alcoholic. It’ll keep getting worse. His life expectancy will be lowered but alcohol is a slow killer. He could easily, tragically continue a slow descent for another 40, 50 years.
At some point you’ll stop minimizing and wondering if a grown ass man pissing the bed means he has a problem.
Number ONE – stop cleaning up his piss. HE can clean it.
2 – he’s an alcoholic.
3 – respect yourself more than cleaning up the piss of an alcoholic man as a feature of your romantic life. I truly think you need to tell a friend who will WAKE YOU UP about how digusting & lame he is.
It is so much better to be single than to have a man-toddler pissing in your bed. The fact he LETS you clean it for him is further evidence he’s not worthwhile.
If I pissed myself from drinking with a lover present I’d apologize to the ends of days and quit drinking, if they cleaned it for me it’d be proof positive that I was holding them back in life and I’d all but have to fake my own death to get over the shame I’d feel. He should be INSITING he get it.
You need to work on your self worth. This sounds harsh but like really sit and feel that embarassment for a minute of cleaning up his piss. That digust, exhaustion, shame, and anger is all the “signs” from the universe that this is WRONG & a bad situation for you. Negative emotions are our most effective motivators in life.
You’re contradicting yourself in action & words. You say you can’t ask him to stop drinking because you’re not his mother (a reasonable request for someone who pisses the bed) but you’ll clean up his pee-pee accident like he’s not fully potty trained like you are his mother.
Not only that, but you’re still willing to get in the bed with him? You’re mommy AND lover all in one with zero consqeuences for being treated so disrespectfully.
He’s either alcoholic or has some other major health issue going on that he for some reason chooses not to see the doctor about.
In either case, it’s a relationship ending problem. Maybe if you’re married or in a very long-term relationship and your partner develops alcoholism you might stick with them for a while until they agree to get help, but for just a boyfriend I’d hit the emergency eject. And if he has some serious health problem and is ignoring it, that’s also not the kind of boyfriend you want to keep long-term. Break up.
You may need to get embarrass him so that he will STOP DRINKING Alcohol.
If he does it again, wake him up— ALL THE WAY UP, and make HIM change the sheets etc.
You don’t live together, do you?
Break up with PeePeePaul and find yourself someone who doesn’t have booze problems and doesn’t wet the bed.
He does need to be exposed.
He definitely has no self control or otherwise does not understand his own limits. I never understood people who drink to get blackout drunk that’s honestly a good indication of alcoholism. If he doesn’t see pissing the bed drunk as an issue and doesn’t want to do anything to fix his behavior towards drinking, I would definitely reconsider your relationship…
My fiance said he did that once, back when he was in college. He’s never had that much to drink ever since. In the 8 years we’ve been together, not once have either of us ever peed the bed.
Your boyfriend has a problem that only he can fix.
This is actually extremely common. Particularly at his age. Every woman I know has a story about her drunk BF or BFF in college pissing the bed.
Where you’re really making the mistake is not making him clean it up. And I mean REALLY cleaning it up. All the way down to the mattress, with a carpet cleaner if necessary. He’s probably not gonna do that in the middle of the night while he’s still drunk, but you simply get up, go to the couch, and let him keep sleeping in his own piss. In the morning, he can deal with the task in front of him. Tell him your expectations on level of cleanliness, and leave him to it. You won’t be sleeping in the bed with him again until the job is finished. Wash all bedding, clean the mattress (including buying or renting, using, and returning the upholstery cleaner necessary), replace all bedding and make bed.
So he has to go to work? Not your problem. He’ll have to find the time somehow. He doesn’t have the equipment or products needed? Not your problem. He’ll have to go find or procure them. This is HIS CHORE now.
This is the only way he will ever come to care about or even attempt to prevent or mitigate this little “peepee whoopsie” problem. He HAS to be made to put things back exactly as clean as they were before he pissed in it. Every single time.
If he suddenly feels motivated to look into some sort of waterproof mattress cover, great! Let him do that. Or he can keep suffering through the pain in the ass of cleaning a mattress. Not your problem. DO NOT help him.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it, and you can’t cure it. You may find support and people with the same story in Al Anon, which is for people negatively impacted by someone else’s drinking. You might also find an answer for why you strip the bed and clean in the middle of the night instead of making him do it. Best of luck to you.
Lovely?
Exactly how LOW are your standards for what you will date and sleep with?
oh girl. i was with a man for TEN YEARS who did this shit. did the same thing you were doing. considered myself a “take care of people” kind of person.
he’s an alcoholic. the fact that he is attempting to make HIS drinking habits YOUR decision is an attempt to reduce his own responsibility. he needs to get help and stop drinking now if he doesn’t want to continue a downward spiral.
he’s pissing the bed WITH ANOTHER PERSON PRESENT, and it’s not enough to make him stop on his own. leave while you have some respect for him.
The fact that the first time this happened he wasn’t MORTIFIED and was willing to stop drinking to excess by himself shows he cares more about getting shitfaced than being a functional adult.
Idk about you, but that person does not sound like a good partner to me.
>I know some people might ask why I clean up, and why Im not making him do it. I dont have a straight answer and I know I should. I also just know he will most likely just rip the sheets off and fall back asleep.
It sounds like if you don’t step in and clean up, you know that that he won’t, which will further compound the offense. So you pre-emptively clean up after him so that at least you’re only dealing with a disgusting BF who repeatedly pees on himself and the bed, and not one who *also* knowingly and voluntarily sleeps in his own filth.
>I just need to know if this is something that I should fight to get past.
If you feel like you have to “fight to get past” something in a relationship, that is a sign you’re not in the right relationship. But you should ask yourself why you think this is something that you should accept in the first place. After it happened once, I’m surprised you continued to stay over/allow him to stay over when he’d been drinking.
You mention a few times how you’re quite embarrassed by this situation. To be clear, this situation is embarrassing for HIM. It’s only embarrassing for you if you continue to tolerate it.
Told an ex that if he got drunk enough to piss himself one more time (he’d done it twice) that we were done. That I was “a goddamn yankee girl and not one of those sweet Georgia peaches he’s used to dealing with. I 100% mean what I say.”
A week later he gets drunk, passes out in his recliner, pisses himself, and woke up to a note pinned to his shirt: “Goodbye.”
I had a boyfriend years ago who would pee in and on things when drunk. It was so gross.
Make him drink from a sippy cup
if he doesn’t recognize this is a SERIOUS problem you gotta move on and dump him
Yeah at this point i would tell him he either needs to quit drinking or you’re breaking up with him. Or have separate bedrooms, he isn’t allowed in your bed and he has to clean up after himself
He’s an alcoholic and this won’t change until he stops drinking. And I can say this with my full chest because I’m also an alcoholic who’s been known to piss a bed on occasion. I’ve got two years sober now and stuff like this is humiliating to look back on, but at the time I was like, “It’s just pee, no biggie.”
You need to make a choice. You can live with him the way he is or you can leave. Don’t stay with him in the hopes of him changing. You have to be happy with who he is right now, not who you imagine he could be
You said you do not want to be his mother but then you change his sheets every time he pees the bed and you take care of him. You are being his mother.
He likely needs help, if he is getting so drunk consistently that he is doing this then he has a problem. When he asked if he should stop drinking, say yes, but not for you, but for himself, I would hazard a guess that he is aware that he has a problem and is just driving himself into a grave. He is blacking out every time he drinks. I am a former drinker myself and quit nearly 5 years ago, never went back, I never pissed the bed but I did black out and puke sometimes. I decided to quit on my own when I saw how it was affecting myself and how my gf at the time was upset. Ive never regretted it even once. You are going to have to give him a choice but it sounds like he might be willing to try to quit, just frame it for him the correct way. If you do not wish to partake in this journey of his sobriety then it might be best to breakup. He will need to grow up and figure out on his own either way.
You are at an important crossroads of this relationship. If you want to silently carry on cleaning up his piss, then stay in this relationship. It has happened enough times that he knows what is going on and he is okay with the outcome. I do not understand why you are the one embarrassed here, feel free to discuss this with any of your family and friends, you are not the one getting so drunk you can’t get up and go to a washroom. Maybe you are embarrassed to say anything to anyone, because you know this isn’t someone you should be keeping in your life.
He’s an alcoholic or has a serious medical condition. If he’s not wiling to get help and stop drinking, leave.
Why are you embarrassed? He should be. You can’t help people with their addictions. All you can do is leave. You’re pretty young to settle, especially for a bedwetter
This was my ex boyfriend. We lived together for almost six months before I threw him out due to his alcoholism and everything that went with that, including peeing the bed. He would be black out drunk, pee the bed, and then get enraged when I tried to wake him up and get him to clean up. It was infuriating and exhausting. At one point I told him to sleep on the couch (it was his couch so I figured he can go ahead and damage his own stuff if he wants) WELL, the craziest thing happened: he did end up peeing in his sleep, but it kind of arced up and over the side of the couch and landed DIRECTLY INTO MY OPEN PURSE THAT WAS SITTING ON THE FLOOR. I kid you not. I could not have made this up. I was HORRIFIED.
Anyway, he’s GOT to be made accountable. This isn’t going to resolve unless he decides to get sober which honestly, he’s unlikely to do any time soon. It took me awhile to get over feeling like shit because I felt I wasn’t “good enough” for him to be willing to change for. I had to understand that he had the illness of alcoholism and that had nothing to do with me. I wish you well.