TLDR: My (27M) soon to be wife (25F), said she wants to leave me soon, because even tho she feels loved, she doesn’t feel romance from me. I was going to propose the upcoming month, i’ve made all the arrangements and everything.
I admit I wasn’t very romantic and all, and i want to make it up to her, make her feel special and loved and appreciated without making her feel that she pushed me into it (she didn’t, i feel it and I’m sorry for not getting my things together faster and realizing how different our love language was). I don’t want to lose her, or to make her feel anything less then what she deserves and show her what i truly feel, but i was to dumb to show it so she would feel it. I feel like an idiot for making those mistakes and making her feel like this. And should i still propose?
Hello everyone, so basically me and my girlfriend, soon to be wife, have been together for almost three years now and living together for 2 years. We had and have a normal relationship, the usual small arguments, nothing too serious in that regard, we are discussing every small detail together, making plans together, working and studying for our future. We have been through the ups and downs together, when i was low she was being my high, and when she was feeling low i was there to make her happy and smile.
We had nice moments together, we have had only a few dates for all of this time, but we felt good, i always was a type of person who want to give it all, we had some home dates, everything we’ve done was together, everywhere we’ve been to, we spend all of our time together, chatting
In the recent year i was seriously thinking about proposing to her, she was hinting it too, even making it obvious when i would hint what i want She was always fascinated and i would see her whole face lighting up at just the thought of us getting married. To round up things fast here, i was just waiting for the perfect moment since she was stressed with her college and i was having a bit of a problem at work.
The perfect moment was just around the corner, i was making every setup to propose in the next month, i have made reservations and everything for a holiday where i want to propose, she was thrilled when we discussed about going on a holiday.
But everything took a turn two days ago, when we were discussing something she kinda brought up the subject of “romance” and things kinda went in a weird way, not in a fight or argument way, but more in a confession kinda way, she feels that i am not romantic at all, and feels that i do almost nothing to show her how i feel about her.
Needless to say, my love language is all over the place, she sometimes feels like an introvert. She wants to feel more “emotions” and and wants to go on walks, and do small trips she mentioned it doesn’t have to be something expensive, that it can even be something free, just to enjoy the moment together. She says that i always do stuff for other people and that i’ve always neglected me, my needs and sometimes she feels that if I don’t prioritize myself how can she feel that she s worth my time, because I always prioritize family members and that I’ve refuse to do things for me, but if someone calls me even if they took advantage of me in the past i still jump to help them. Anyway i’m not making this a rant about anything, long story short, she feels that I’m not well invested into us, and that she knows i love her and that i would do anything but doesn’t feel any romance from my end, that she kinda hinted it in the past and that we had small talks about stuff before, but as i said it was just hints, and unfortunately I didn’t get them, i was to stressed with everything and everyone to notice that I’m losing the one person that was always there for me and who i want to spend my future with. The person who i want to build with, and with whom i want to enjoy the life, in all of it’s beauty.
Now, what can i do? Because she is still here, we’re still together for the moment, that’s if i can make her feel loved, she hinted that she might leave sooner or later because she feels I can’t change, she knows i love her and that i would do anything but still.
The thing is, i want to change, but she doesn’t feel it, she doesn’t trust me with the ability to change this.
Now, how can i make a difference, how and what should i do, to make her feel the way she deserves, and to show her how i truly feel for her but i was to dumb to make it in a way that she would really feel it, I’m thinking of some stuff, but I don’t want to make her feel that she pushed me into it, because that would make things even worse.
I want to make a difference, i feel that she wants us to keep going, thats why she said something, i took this like a cry for help for our relationship and our future.
What should i do, to make it up to her for all of those years where i was “emotionally unavailable”, to make it up for all of the missed dates, small moments and to make her feel loved, appreciated and special, how can i make a change, without it feeling like i was forced into it.
I want to make her feel loved, she is a nice person and deserves everything and i want to show her that there is some romance inside me, and i want to build more just for her. I feel like an idiot for making her feel like this!
And should i still propose if i make it up to her until then? (and after that of course )
Comments
You cannot have more of a relationship with someone than she wants to have with you.
> And should i still propose if i make it up to her until then?
Are you familiar with the saying “A day late and a dollar short”?
Suddenly having a turnaround and Doing Everything Right because someone finally had enough and is saying they want to leave shows that you were never actually interested in treating them right for their sake, and that you only want to do it now because suddenly you might lose something you want.
So no. A frantic “making it up to her” gesture isn’t enough at this point.
The time to have shown her that you were the partner she needed was “all of the time before she decided she’s had enough”. It’s too late now; anything you do at this point will appear self-serving because it will be self-serving. And because it’s coming from a place of self-interest, as soon as the threat of her leaving goes away (assuming she’s foolish enough to fall for it), all of the pressure will be off you, and you’ll almost certainly return to your baseline behavior, which is what caused her to feel this way in the first place.
You missed your chance. Learn from this so that you won’t make the same bad choices in your next relationship.
I know this is your version of events, but from what you have said I feel there is a lot more to her side of the story – splitting up seems way over the top.
Long story short, it’s over. She fell out of love with you because you didn’t know how to love yourself which she sensed and didn’t like it affecting her own peace and safety.
Some people are only meant to be in your life for a short period of time to help awaken your true potential, this sounds like one of those cases.
Work on yourself, heal your traumas, and create the best version of yourself with physical and mental exercises. The future is unknown and anything can happen. Be more present and figure out your purpose. It will take some time, likely years. You are still young, coming from a 36M after a 5.5 year relationship, trust me lol.
Change is the only constant in life so learn to give up control and surrender to the flow of life. Tides come and go, don’t fight the current. All the ups and downs in life are lessons and experiences and should be loved equally even if they suck in the moment.
You got this and good luck.
Words are just that, words. Actions speak louder. You’re saying what you want to do… okay, but that only goes so far before it becomes empty. Less words, more action.
Words are important though, in a communication sense. She made hints in the past and now she’s being direct. Acknowledge the directness with thanks and tell her that this way is much better than hinting about her needs. Your needs for directness are framed in your gratitude for her directness… but also acknowledge that her directness is due to her frustration. Moving forward the direct approach and your willingness to actively listen will be a good thing.
When it comes to your proposal. After it’s been done, let her in on the planning and effort you put into it. Let her see that it was in motion prior to her feeling the need to direct. There will be romance apparent in your planning and effort. That’s what she wants, it seems. Romantic intent, effort and follow through.