i met my boyfriend in november of 2024 and upon meeting him, i wasn’t sold immediately. within the first few weeks of talking, i was definitely more mysterious and weird (his words).
we were having a discussion about out attachment styles and we agreed that i was more anxiously attached. he said that he didn’t feel that i was so anxiously attached that it was a problem at all and that he didn’t feel i needed to overthink it. i then said that it seemed like he liked me more when i was more avoidant. he immediately agreed with this.
our relationship is pretty normal. we are kind of long distance so we see each other a few days a week and we text most of the other days. he tells he loves me all the time and that he wants a future with me. hearing what he said was kind of a shock and i immediately felt like i wasn’t good enough for him.
he ended up driving 2 hours over at midnight last night to talk and we didn’t get too far. i was tired and he’s not great with words. he just kept saying that he had work to do and that it wasn’t normal for him to want a more avoidant partner who treats him badly. he told me he wants me and wants me as i am. he doesn’t want to break up and is being honest when he says he loves me.
i’m confused and not sure how to feel. it feels like he wants a version of me that only existed for 2 weeks.
i’m not sure how he could like me “more” when we barely knew each other, but continue to say he loves me now.
he also kept saying “it’s not like i like you less now” but… that was the whole point of the argument?
i dunno someone give me advice i’m exhausted.
tldr; my bf told me he liked me more when i was avoidant
Comments
This is a question you shouldn’t have asked. Things are objectively easier with a securely attached partner, which sounds more comparable to the beginning of your relationship. It sounds like he is being honest but loves you now. I think it’s on you to see he is trying to show you he cares and loves you. Can you tell us what he could say to you to fix this? Have you considered taking steps to work towards not being anxiously attached?
this has happened to me with nearly every man i’ve ever dated :/ they’re fucking weird, they want someone who doesn’t want them back and doesn’t have a personality so they can shape one for you. i don’t know if that’s him or it’s some kind of insecurity where he feels he deserves mistreatment. but the right guy will love you for being you and for wanting them, whether that’s him after he’s done work on himself or someone else
Exhausted after a few months long relationship, where it is mostly long distance? It’s just not meant to be, sis. Maybe he likes the chase more than actually being together. There’s plenty of guys like that. Whatever. Move on. You barely know each other or yourselves really. It sounds like both of you need to work on your issues before getting into relationships.
And don’t feel like you owe anyone a relationship. Next time you aren’t sold, just end it there and move on to the next. This is dating. But work on yourself first, especially your self-worth.