Hello, inexperienced with reddit, so apologies if I am doing something incorrectly.
My (30F) husband (37M) have been living together for upwards of 10 years and married for 4.
I am rather shy and reserved where he is I would say middle of the road, but more extroverted than me by comparison.
This has been slowly building over the past several years, and I want desparatwly to fix it, but I have no idea how to approach this.
We will be discussing or “lightly” arguing about something. He will show body language or tone of voice that he is getting frustrated or lightly irritated. I can’t help but pick up on this and my anxiety starts screaming at me and ringing alarm bells. I try my best to ignore them, but I increasingly seek to try and “agree” or end the conversation before it turns into an argument. I am just terribly afraid of people being mad or upset at me.
(my husband has NOT, and would NOT ever hurt me. This is likely due to parental behavior when I was a child, but im not sure)
My husband sees me getting anxious, and this makes him upset. In his eyes, it implies that I feel like he is going to hurt me, that I see him as abusive or a bad guy, that is the only reason I should have to be getting anxious. It also upsets him that I am trying to placate him instead of discussing my genuine opinions, thoughts, or feelings. (He sees this as a form of dishonesty or that I do not trust him)
Tonight a little argument slowly turned into a big one, when I started getting scared/anxious. I started trying to be agreeable to end the argument, but he saw through it and caught me, and I admitted that I was scared that he was getting upset. He asked what would happen if he did, what is so bad about that. I said it makes me anxious and uncomfortable. He then asked me some other question related to the argument (I honestly dont remember) and fell silent waiting for me to answer. I dont know what it is about this where the other person demands an answer like this but it just completely locks me down and its like I can’t speak. After several seconds he said something along the lines of “
I dont want to make him feel like the bad guy. I dont want to be anxious and pull away when he gets upset.(again, he has always been respectful and supportive, its just these stupid arguments!!)
What is this even called? Stonewalling? Defensiveness??
How do we approach this issue? I want to give us tools so that we can try to work past these situations in the future. But I really dont even know where to start… I think we may be in need of couples’ therapy, but I wouldnt know how to bring that up either. Money is really tight right now so I’m not even sure if we can afford it, but I will take the advice regardless.
Any advice or help is appreciated. Thank you.
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I think there’s honestly more to unpack within your relationship’s communication issues than Reddit can handle. These are definitely the kinds of issues that a therapist would be suited for.
If I were to guess, you spent your childhood being very aware of your parents moods. You’ll have some brain rewiring to tackle.
Gonna second the therapy here, both individually and as a couple.
Hi OP, I have trauma from my parents and also had issues when I thought my husband was upset with me. It spiraled and arguments got ugly.
I needed therapy and we needed marriage counseling.
I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, and due to this, when I’m scared, I go into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. It sounds like you have a fawn response, where you try to do whatever it takes to resolve the situation, even if it means agreeing to things you know aren’t true.
I had to work on that with my therapist. I learned how to ground myself and recognize I’m safe now. My safety isn’t at stake when my husband is upset, and I have to remind myself if that.
We need marriage counseling, because due to my cPTSD, I can’t be calm and rational when I’m triggered. I have to step away and calm down. My husband thought this meant I was shutting him out, and he would get angry at me for not letting him share his feelings.
The answer is to take breaks when you are flooded. Our marriage counselor helped him understand that this doesn’t mean we can’t talk about hard things. It just means I need a break to calm down, and we can resume the conversation later that day or the next one. It doesn’t put off the hard conversation indefinitely, we just take breaks during them. I use the “stop” hand single if I’m so flooded I can’t speak calmly, and he knows we need to take a break. Breaks are healthy, and prevent us both from letting our lizard brain act out. Breaks help bring my empathetic and more rational brain back online.
I hope you can find what works for you. I know you said money is tight, so look into having healthy arguments online. There are templates you can use to be able to share in healthier ways. You can also start journaling your feelings, because people who write about their trauma a few times a week for multiple weeks can lessen the impact of their trauma. This is scientifically proven, so journaling can help in the absence of therapy. Keep your journal to yourself, sometimes our thoughts are not safe for human consumption. You can’t believe everything you think.
You’re caught in a classic feedback loop: your anxiety triggers his defensiveness, which feeds your anxiety. It’s less about stonewalling and more about emotional shutdown on both sides. Start by agreeing to pause when things get tense, no pressure to answer immediately. Work on being honest about your feelings without trying to “fix” things right away. Couples therapy helps, but if that’s off the table, try apps or free resources focused on communication skills. Small steps beat trying to solve everything at once.