For some background, we have been married for 13 years, dated 4 before that and we have an 11 yr old daughter. Up until about 5 or 6 years ago, everything was great. We always had fun together as a family. We’ve never had any major fights. We’ve always been very respectful to each other in terms of dividing the workload and we would communicate if either of us was ever having off moments.
She has had some pretty severe bouts of depression over the years. We’ve gone through highs and lows, but we’ve always been there for each other. She has been on medication before and it would help (a lot actually) for a while, then she would stop. I would try to speak to her about trying a different medication or at least seeing a therapist to talk through her issues. She keeps saying I’m right and that she will once we have the money to do anything about it.
About 5 or 6 years ago, she quit her job. At the time she was a lead manager of a grocery store and worked full-time, plus some. It was a pretty well-paying job with good benefits, but she wanted to make sure she was home to help raise our child. I fully respected this and supported her decision. I work at a small business and said that a local part-time job or even a full-time position that is just closer to home (previous job was a 45 min drive 1 way) would be much better for her and our daughter.
She worked a few part-time jobs over the next year or two. At this time covid hit and she started doing work from home jobs so that we could homeschool our daughter. At the same time my father had a stroke, and my mother had a heart attack less than a month later. We decided to help them by moving in since my dad could no longer walk and my mom was legally blind. My wife ended up being eligible to work with my dad and get a small paycheck for doing so, so she did this. After they were back on their feet, my wife and mom had a falling out and we ended up moving into an apartment.
After getting into the apartment, she started working full time again with a stay-at-home job. Things were great for the next 6 months to a year. After that, she kept quitting jobs every couple weeks and finding new ones. She tried work from home, and normal jobs near our apartment since we only have one car. Same thing happened every time. She would get a job, work it for a week or two, then quit. At this point I pleaded to her to try to get some professional help for her sake and our daughters sake. We were running out of resources.
This cycle has lasted for the past at least 2 years. I am stressed out 24/7 because my paycheck (decent paycheck with opportunity for extra work) is just not cutting it for a three person family. We made it work as well as we can for these past 2 years, but in the past 2 to 4 months things have taken and even worse turn.
She hasn’t worked at all, she barely talks to me, she lays on the couch all day on her phone and gets annoyed when I try to talk to her, as if I’m interrupting her. I’ve never in any relationship felt the need to sleuth and look at somebody’s phone without their knowledge, but I had to. She’s been using the app “character AI” and chatting with a character from a show for 15 to 17 hours a day it seems. (Looking at app screentime) A lot of these chats include lewd and erotic scenes. I asked her about it and she got very defensive so I just let it go. A couple weeks afterwards I told her that I’d noticed she had been using the app a lot and again she got very defensive and said it was her way of getting stories in her head out that she couldn’t otherwise see.
I’m not really a jealous type of person usually, but the fact that she spends so much time on this imaginary character while at the same time basically ignoring me is very hurtful. I have to ask for any sort of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, of course sex, or even just laying beside me while we sleep. None of these things happen regularly anymore.
She’s also stopped doing any household chores. I cook our dinners, clean up after our cats, clean the apartment, take out trash, do the dishes, do the laundry… I worked nearly 90 hours a couple weeks ago trying to make sure that we had enough for our bills and every day I came home having to do all of the housework. I just feel so disrespected and so alone. How can I approach this situation? I’ve tried several times to talk to her about her mental health because I feel like that may be a large reason as to why she’s so addicted to this fantasy. She thinks I’m just worked up over nothing, but I have cried myself to sleep multiple times in the past couple months.
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I’m so sorry to hear this for your sake. It does seem like you are holding onto a wife and a relationship that no longer exists. I hope for your sake that you’re able to move onto a life that is more meaningful to you and that you fill with people who uplift you.
OMG – this is an intolerable situation – I truly feel for you and your daughter. But you have to get her to treatment. Maybe people here can make suggestions where to take her so she can be treated properly – this is mental illness taking over. That is # 1. If she refuses (very likley) take your daughter & move in with your parents. Tell her you will continue with her after she gets treated and acts like a spouse, gets a job and helps.
While it sounds harsh and she might end up in a shelter for a time it is not helpful for you to allow this to go on. She is no longer reasonable or sane. See if you can get some support from family and friends and look after your daughter. Wishing yu the best here. It is not easy.
I’d give her the option to restart therapy, medication, and work or a divorce. You’re at the breaking point for a very good reason; you’ve been carrying your family’s whole load yourself for too long. If your wife isn’t willing to make the needed changes, then you need to save yourself
Friend, you have to divorce your wife & get full custody of your child. It’s very sad, but the woman you used to know no longer exists. She ignores you & isn’t participating in daily life, while you are killing yourself to keep the household going.
This is no life for you & certainly no childhood for your kid.