My (41f) partner Alice (52, NB) and I have been together for 7 months. Alice has Rose(15f), who lives with her mum Sarah (52f) in the North of England near me, while Alice lives down South. I have 3 girls (11 and 7 twins).
Alice and Sarah were together for 19 years but separated 3 years ago. We all live in the UK. Alice had to relocate to another city for work (they’re in the US military) after the separation, but still kept a flat near Rose, drove 3 hours each way to visit her once or twice a month, and stayed in regular contact by phone. We met for the first time when Alice came to the area to visit with Rose for the weekend.
In the time since the separation, Rose became more withdrawn and eventually stopped engaging with Alice. Hoping to reconnect, Alice once arranged a professional makeover session (something they thought would be fun because Rose had previously enjoyed doing makeup with them) but Rose reacted badly to seeing Alice’s fully feminine presentation and has since often said her “Poppa is gone.” The struggles with suicidal ideation happened after this, because Rose said she didnt know if she even wanted a relationship with Alice, who from their perspective, had chosen to sacrifice their entire identity for nearly 2 decades to try and keep their child and the wife they loved.
The tension escalated to the point that, a few months before we met, Alice was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after struggling with suicidal ideation. When we got together, Alice was actively trying to rebuild their relationship with Rose: taking her to the cinema, spending 1-on-1 time, making amends for past parenting mistakes. Most of their visits were just the two of them; times I joined were rare.
Alice is a generous co-parent and helps as much as they are allowed to. They still send half their salary to Sarah each month because they feel it’s the right thing to do, (even though Sarah has a career of her own). Alice blames themselves for the marriage breakdown, even though they had to choose between their trans identity and the marriage/daughter and were finally strong enough to choose themselves and hope that everything would be ok. It wasnt!
I met Rose about two months into dating Alice. Altogether we’ve had:
- two short visits to my house,
- one afternoon out for ice cream,
- a road-trip when I drove her to a film casting 2 hrs away
- one overnight at Alice’s flat where I helped her through her first panic attack with us (at least that Alice knew about),
- one attempted overnight at my house that ended badly.
Rose has long-standing anxiety and mental-health challenges that have worsened this past year and half; she struggles with school, has learning challenges and she has self-harmed as a coping mechanism (I assumed Alice knew and raised it as a safeguarding issue during Rose’s meltdown, but they hadn’t been told).
At that second overnight stay, Rose believed she overheard Alice and me having sex. We weren’t, but she didn’t believe me. Her mum called us in the middle of the night, furious, saying Rose could hear us “all over the house.”
That same night Rose had a severe panic attack/meltdown and shut down. I instinctively tried to soothe her (the way I’d helped her during the first panic attack) and tried to help Alice understand why Rose was so angry with them. The day before, Alice had sent a heartfelt apology to Rose in which they talked about their parenting failures and how sorry they were for the impacts on Rose. I read the message after they wrote it and made sure it was a proper apology and not a long “I’m sorry but” situation. I thought the meltdown was related to the apology and used one of the role play tools I had read about and used with my own girls, hoping it might help them reconnect. I see now that was a mistake: I overstepped. I apologised later when we met in person (more below) and told Rose I wouldn’t intervene again. At the time, her intense emotional distress and shutdown was such a massive shock to my system that I just panicked and reacted instinctively. My kid’s dad and i used to be awful parents and everything that was happening with Rose just took me back to that day when I realised just how badly I had messed up my kids, and I did what I knew had worked for us.
Since that day, things have been even more tense. Rose refused to see or speak to Alice for nearly three months. During that time Alice was also diagnosed with thyroid cancer, yet Rose still wouldn’t respond to their messages; any updates had to be passed through Sarah.
Eventually they met in person and it went well. Rose said she was “100% fine” with Alice but still angry at me. We’d planned a festival trip the next weekend and Rose wanted to join, but Alice said she needed to clear the air with me first. In the meantime I sorted out her ticket and another tent (she said she didnt want to share a space with me and my kids).
When we met to talk, Rose called me a “two-faced liar”, said she didn’t trust me, didn’t want someone like me in her Poppa’s life, and that I should stay out of their relationship. She accused me of “interrogating” her (I’d only asked why she didn’t want me in Alice’s life), then ignored both of us for an hour and a half, scrolling TikTok, until Sarah was able to pick her up.
Sarah later told Alice that Rose believes I was only nice to her to “mine her for information” and to “fix” their relationship. In reality, I wanted her to feel welcome in my home because Alice and I are serious about each other, and my own daughters get along really well with her. We have a loving, emotionally open household and I hoped Rose would feel included.
Yesterday Sarah told Alice that Rose feels Alice has “chosen me over her” and wants Alice to choose between us. Obviously neither of us wants that, love isn’t a zero-sum game!
It’s heartbreaking for Alice: to be asked to choose between the first relationship where they feel truly seen and accepted, and their daughter who they love deeply but who’s been shutting them out. Rose has even written a poem about being glad she could “replace” Alice with Sarah’s new partner (who she sees as a much better Dad than Alice ever was) and then read it to Alice over a video call where I was also present.
From my side, I’m angry and hurt by her accusations, but I do understand that a teenager with a shaky relationship with her parent and fragile mental health might lash out. What’s hardest is that she’s doing this while Alice is dealing with cancer and upcoming brain surgeries, yet Rose still refuses to answer messages and Sarah has said that she won’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do.
Has anyone navigated something similar with a resistant teenager? Bonus points if its in a family where a parent has recently come out as trans!
Should I reach out and apologise again to Rose for how I handled that night, or step back entirely?
Any constructive advice or personal experiences would mean a lot. This is hard on all of us and we want to find a way forward that’s best for everyone.
TLDR: I (41F) am in a 7-month relationship with Alice (52NB), who came out as trans after a 19-year marriage. Alice’s 15-year-old daughter Rose has struggled with the separation and with Alice’s transition. She’s been mostly stonewalling Alice for months, recently told me she doesn’t want me in Alice’s life, and now says Alice has to choose between her and me, even as Alice is battling thyroid cancer and other health issues that mean they were due to have brain surgery before they gound the cancer. We want to protect our relationship but also help Alice and Rose reconnect. How would you handle this?
Comments
There are a lot of red flags here- why is Alice introducing a new partner to their child when you haven’t even been together for 7 months? Let alone trying to have sleepovers at your house? Why would Alice begin dating someone when they are struggling with their mental health and gender identity?
Is this child getting regular therapy? This is a LOT for a child to handle
I don’t know but. My instinct is; you need to step back. I actually think that everyone is valid in their feelings.
Alice wants to see and be seen as their true self. It’s not a new thing. But for Rose, it is. And then that parent also had cancer.
Then you throw a brand new relationship into the mix on top of a parental separation.
I think you’re doing way too much for a new girlfriend, I’m sorry to say. I can tell you want to fix things but it’s not appropriate for you to ask this child why they don’t want you in their parents life. I think that’s kind of obvious, anyway. A lot of your actions are focused on making yourself and your partner feel better vs actually trying to heal. I think your partner needs to step up and be a parent, and deal with their health and maybe you guys can just be supportive friends for now while they do family counselling.
There is no winning with Rose. Should Rose get her way here and gets Alice to choose her, what would stop her from using her new found power to make some other ridiculous demand? As much as Alice seems to want the love of her daughter, she has to choose, does she want your love or to be manipulated by her child? The best thing Alice can teach Rose is to learn to accept the world as it is. Some things can be changed, some things cannot.
You’ve been only dating for 7 months.
This is a lot of changes for a teen to deal with at once. You are a stranger to her.
This is well above Reddit’s pay grade.
Rose may never be able to forgive Alice for the perceived rejection. But what the heck is Alice doing introducing a new partner to their children so soon? And having sleepovers?
I’m also concerned with your own behavior – why are you agreeing to meeting a child so soon into a relationship and introducing Alice to your own kids? Especially after your history of being a bad parent, by your own admission?
Alice and Rose need family therapy.
I don’t think Alice should be starting any new relationships right now, and definitely not introducing any new partner to their child who’s already dealing with a divorce and a sick parent who also in her perspective changed their identity completely.
You have become far too enmeshed in a relationship that has existed for less than 1 year. You also have wildly unrealistic expectations of a child.
She has had to deal with the negative experience of her father and mother’s relationship and their parenting mistakes which appear to have been significant enough to have warranted multiple apologies; her parents separated; within moments, her father has identified as trans, they have changed pronouns and names, and moved away; they have immediately gotten into a new relationship and introduced their new partner and children to her; you have become excessively attached to her father and have overstepped boundaries by pushing her to become a part of your family when she barely even knows you; you have tried to control and handle her emotional state when you are part of the reason for her issues and refuse to acknowledge that; and now expect a teenager to prioritise her father’s health over her own and snap out of her depression and anger and overwhelming distress because you think its unfair for her father to have to also be a parent while being ill and want everything to be picture perfect for you.
She has lost all familial stability and her father in one fell swoop. And gained an overbearing new adult who doesn’t seem to have any empathy for what she is going through and refuses to back away to allow a suicidal and clinically depressed child to forge a relationship with her father in her own way and own time. That relationship has nothing to do with you. You aren’t her parent and inserting yourself in the middle of their relationship makes you seem narcissistic and selfish.
As for your partner, they should choose their child, at least until she is stable enough to be able to deal with all the changes around her and not want to harm herself. As someone who has tried so hard to paint themselves as empathetic in your post, who is also a mother, surely you would see that. Except you can’t because you are only focused on yourself.
This is so dysfunctional and unhealthy for all involved and I honestly worry about your children whom you’ve barely even mentioned.
This is A LOT of involvement in each others’ lives, especially with your respective minor children, for only seven months. Most would say an unhealthy amount. The damage from overstepping in several instances is already very apparent, and unfortunately already done. You need to step way way back from Alice’s relationship with their daughter. That is theirs to manage. Support your partner in their feelings about, but do not insert yourself into their ongoing issues with their teenager.
I feel sorry for this poor kid. Having to deal with all this upheaval in such a short space of time. Another example of someone ‘living their truth’ but causing chaos behind them. OP should not have been introduced to Rose. She needs to keep her nose out.
This is WAY too fast and you’re WAY too involved for a 7 month relationship.
You’re over stepping, overcorrecting, and overreaching.
You both need to step back.
Alice doesn’t seem to have much natural emotional intelligence and doesn’t seem to know how to emotionally attune with Rose.
These are huge, earth-shaking changes for Rose (who is still a child!) and Alice seems to be focusing on making their life how they want it to be instead of focusing on making this a stable transition for Rose. The divorce, moving away, introducing a new partner, and the full transition to gender presentation, all within 3 years, and now Rose has to deal with her Poppa having cancer on top of it?
Rose’s sense of safety and security is gone, and Alice is at the root of it. She understands perfectly that Alice has chosen themselves and she wants proof that Alice loves her more than they love themselves.
You need to step back. You should not be coaching Alice in how to be a parent. Alice needs therapy and parenting classes. You also shouldn’t be hanging around the children of someone you started dating 7 months ago, or inserting yourself into the life of a child whose world has been upended like this. There is no way for you to be a stabilizing force; you are literally part of what is destabilizing it.
You are way too involved and have grossly overstepped for someone who has been with their partner for 7 months. Both you and Alice are hugely wrong for this. It sounds like Alice and you have accelerated your relationship in a very short timespan at the detriment of Rose. You are essentially a stranger to Rose and yet you and Alice have been forcing you and the both of you as a couple on her. As someone who has children, you should know better. This is both on you and Alice.
You need to take a huge step back and Alice needs to prioritize their health and their child.