So this is kinda weird and maybe petty, I don’t even know. I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for a little over a year and in a lot of ways. Buuuuut there’s something that’s been slowly bugging me, and I’m finally starting to realize it’s not going away.
He talks to me like I’m his mom. Not in a sweet way. In a “hey, remind me to pack my lunch tomorrow” and “where’s my charger again” and “you still didn’t wash that hoodie I left, right?” kind of way.
At first I thought it was just cute domestic stuff. But now it’s starting to feel like I’m lowkey running a daycare. Like I’ll be coming home from work and he’s asking what’s for dinner while I’m still in my shoes, or he’s surprised I haven’t done laundry when I literally told him yesterday that I was too tired.
I told him gently once like “hey I’m not your mom lol 😅” and he laughed and said “I know, but you take care of me like one.” I didn’t know how to feel about that.
I love him. I really do. But I don’t want to end up being the “house girlfriend” who manages his whole life for him.
I just don’t know how to bring it up again without sounding cold.
Any advice?
Comments
“I know, but you take care of me like one.” ew run far away for this one he wants to be looked after
You mean “house mother”. No he won’t change because he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing. This is what he wants in a partner. If you don’t want to do this (hopefully not), then you’ll need to move on.
One advice is to talk about it seriously but in a good way it’s all psychology and love does beat that alot so why not so talk about it i know personally when i lived with a girl i left dishes i forgot the trash couple of times and seriously when she talked to me bout it and i saw hoe frustrated she got i took more notice and became more aware and simply did better all was good
Just talk it out ur not comfortable it will keep being uncomfortable and relationships are about two people sharing life together because this world sucks so dealing with each other’s bs is definitely happening sometimes lol wish u u both the best)
Every relationship needs balance, your scale is tipping… fix it quick or prepare for a long draining phase.
I think you need to tell him that him treating and talking to you like your his mom is starting to grate on you. Pretty soon the well is gonna dry up as it’s not sexy at all. He’s got to be more self sufficient and help around the house. Pretty much think and do for himself. That’s not the type of relationship you want.
Just don’t manage his life. Tell him you want a partnership. Then follow through with your actions. If he asks what’s for dinner ask him what is planning. Every little thing. Or sit down and divide up household and life chores. I would make it very clear and firm. If you have been managing his life and he now expects it then you have draw the boundaries or you are going to get resentful .
Look up something called “Peter Pan Syndrome”
I think he’s beyond any comprehension (on purpose or otherwise) of how you feel and why his expectations are completely unrealistic.
You have the power/capability of setting boundaries like “I’m not cooking every day for you. Let’s do takeout and we can take turns paying.”
But I’m really concerned that his expectations are completely unrealistic.
Why can’t he cook dinner or do the laundry? Why is the responsibility all yours?
so i’m a little younger than you but my fiance and i are pushing 5 years now, we had the same kind of situation. it’s a million times exacerbated now that we have a child. it just takes both of you being open and honest. we divvy up chores so there is nothing left to the imagination and when each of us sees something to be done we just do it real quick! it takes time and transparency but if you don’t address it soon like you said it will only snowball
“I know but you take care of me like one”
“Well keep it up and I’m going to send you to your fucking room! Now grow up and act like a man!”
If you point out an issue that you have with the way he is acting and what he expects you to do to SERVE him and he just shrugs it off? You have to break the point across more than that. He is 28. He is doing this on purpose. If you split finances I would absolutely riot. And if you can’t say something about this and your boundaries which is that you are not his mother and he will be taking care of his own chores then buckle into your life, you won’t enjoy it. Have fun with all the unseen tasks and unappreciated things you do so he can sit on the couch unbothered by the clutches of adulthood. Unfortunately you would have to literally mama bird this to him why this is not okay. And it might not take one time. Having to lay out all this for someone is entirely exhausting. And he likely won’t even appreciate the mental load you’d taken on for him.
Why are you signing up for a life of servitude? No one is making you dinner or washing your clothes are they? And you wouldn’t expect that from someone else because no one else is your personal servant
I think it’s a very bad sign that you feel uncomfortable TALKING to him about this. You should be able to talk to him about anything that is on your mind. This is a major red flag to me.
Tell him nothing dries your vagina right up than being compared to his mother. That is not sexy.
You want to be told what to do by people who may not be in your situation or might be sour from past experiences. But here you’re seeking outside validation for a problem that needs your partner to be sat down and have a proper conversation.
You aren’t going to change his belief that laundry and cooking and home organization is the job of whatever woman he lives with.
Please do not undertake the thankless job of trying to remodel him into an adult.
Do not make the mistake of believing that because you think he is intelligent and reasonable, he will willingly begin to feed and clothe himself and take responsibility for his own needs.
He knows how to do those things. But he expects you to take on the mental load. He expect you to serve him
You need to see him for who he is right now and not who you think you can train him to be.
He’s 28. He is not a teenager who truly doesn’t know how to cook or operate a washer/dryer.
Choose more carefully next time. Begin the relationship the way you want it to continue by being clear you aren’t anybody’s Mommy replacement.
Ew. Sooooo ew.
I would explain to him how being treated like a mom makes you feel, especially from your partner. I mean, what kind of twisted love map does this dude have? Like, does he WANT to be with someone who is like his mom, that he can also bang? This is feeling VERY Oedipus right now.
If that were my partner, I would flat out tell them “I am not your mother, you are not my child. If we keep going like this, why the hell would I want to fuck my pseudo child? HOW is that even remotely sexy?”
He needs to grow up, and not treat his partner like a mom/bangmaid, cause holy fuck that’s disgusting.
It’s not going to change.
It’s not petty.
I’d find someone who doesn’t need to be taken care of