We have been together for 4 years and honestly everything except for the sex has been incredible. Our relationship was built on us being best friends so our day to day is always really positive. The bedroom situation has always been an issue, we have actually never had real sex. Everytime we go to put it in she doesn’t feel comfortable and I always am very respectful and comforting to her. A week ago she told me she is a sexual and she has known for a while. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to stay and give up sex all together because she’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose her. But the other part of me wants to have children. Physical intimacy is important to me at heart and I feel terrible about the whole situation. Do you think our relationship is salvageable?
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4 years, no sex, and not looking likely in the future….. guess you could also become a priest?
No I do not.
You want and enjoy sex. She does not want and does not enjoy sex.
Either you give up something you like, or she forces herself into doing something she doesn’t like.
I don’t see anyway out of this, save for as two single people.
She’s not going to change, and she isn’t required to. You now need to ask yourself if you’re comfortable with this sex life being your sex life until you die.
Life is like a choose your own adventure novel..you get to decide what you want and pick that direction…first you have to decide what you want in life, define that…you want a kid, with a partner who bangs you and a 3 car garage in the country? then dont get with someone who doesnt want kids or to bang you but likes the 3 car garage in the country…you look for someone who wants what you want.
You need experience in life, you wont get that from your partner in the sex category. You have the asexual exp. Now get the normal one where you are spraying nuts so often you literally cant walk and feel like the cow in “Cows Gone Wild II” Spoiled rotten”
Move on she cant give you what you want and need.
So no,0% chance.
Honestly this is a need you have that you cannot get from her. It’s best to move on and find someone more compatible.
Do you want to have sex in the future with a monogamous partner? If so, no, the relationship is not salvageable. If the most important thing is your friendship, you can always stay friends. It sounds like your relationship is not primarily romantic anyway.
At 21, are you truly committed to cutting yourself off sexual experiences and having children for the rest of your lives together? I generally advise young people that the “child” they chose as a partner in their teens may not be a suitable mate that their adult self would choose as a spouse. You can always remain friends and hold out for a life partner who wants the same things as you.
Probably not.
“I want to be honest here — obviously you know I love you, and I desperately want our relationship to work, but I also have no desire for a life without sex, nor do I want to pressure you into that with me for the sake of our relationship. So we seem to be fundamentally incompatible in that respect, and I don’t know what to do about that, but it is one my mind, and we need to figure out whether it makes sense to continue this relationship.”
If she gets upset, or tries to guilt you, whatever, just keep it neutral. It isn’t about blame or anger, it is about figuring out whether there is any sort of future w/r/t the relationship. “I know it is a lot to process, but I can’t pretend you being ace doesn’t change our romantic relationship. After all, we can still be great friends without having a physical aspect to our relationship. But just like you have no desire for sex, I do not see myself committing long-term to a sexless long-term relationship. I am confident I feel just as strongly about that as you do about being asexual. Which sucks, but avoiding the incompatibility doesn’t change that it exists “
Sounds like you guys would be better off as friends.
I’m shocked you made it 4 years without ever having sex successfully. That’s pretty wild to me
She’s soft-pushing you away.
No, you will set yourself up to fail. Sex is very important to a healthy relationship
Omg. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t put up with this childish bullshit
Oh hell no. Dump her and shame her hard for wasting your time and being a fraud. She knew and manipulated you with lies to perpetuate the relationship by fraud.
If you like sex, jump ship and find someone that does. You don’t need to be an asshole about it. It’s just a compatibility issue like (not) wanting to have children, (not) wanting to move abroad etc. Staying will probably just cause strain and lead to a worse break up. For anyone that likes sex, not having sex is always going to be a pretty big issue.
You need to break up with her, and it’s not fair that she has dragged you along for 4 years without telling you she doesn’t want sex…
You two are clearly incompatible and there is absolutely nothing so salvage here.
You’re 21.
Enjoy your life and remember her fondly.
No it’s not salveable, make an amicable separation and you can both find someone more suitable
Not gonna work out. Incompatible. Unless you are ok with no sex forever, (which i highly doubt you will be) you’ll eventually step out and cheat or it’s going to end eventually anyway. You are way way way too young to settle. Better off trying to end it amicably and remain friends.
This might be an odd suggestion, but if you are looking at keeping your relationship, you may want to discuss an open relationship.
She would likely have some boundaries related to it, but it could be a way that you are able to keep your deep emotional connection without sacrificing what is a very important thing in one’s life.
If either of you dont feel comfortable with it, it may be hard to maintain this relationship.
You’re best friends and roommates, that is a type of relationship, but you’re looking for something akin to marriage and all the benefits entailed therein. She is looking for companionship. Y’all aren’t on the same page and are unlikely to ever get there if she’s ace and you’re not. They’re mutually exclusive. Go ahead and be friends and even roommates, but you’ll need to date someone else if you want a physical relationship. Your roomie can get a dog to keep her company. You can’t, or you better not, that’s illegal in most places.
If sex is important to you then yes. Find someone sexually compatible with you. Unless you’re just cool with sexless relationship
If you want children and she does not then this will never work. Kids are not negotiable.
You guys simply are not compatible. It’s really hard when you value someone for everything else in a relationship but it’s a hard one to get past. Sex is important to most people. And that is okay. Neither of you are the bad guys here. It’s just a shitty situation.
Would the friendship still be salvageable if you broke up for this reason?
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
At your age you can absolutely find someone more compatible.
Presumably you’ve went 4 years without sex yourself – obviously your sex drive isn’t high either.
If this were me, unless she was a virgin or something, I’d have been long gone a long time ago. Or at least have an understanding that I’d be seeing other people.
I think you really need to think about if sex is something you do need. Probably is, but then you need to figure out why you’ve dealt with this for so long. And don’t give me that because I love her BS.
More likely that you feel desperate not to lose what you have and you don’t feel good enough to find another woman. Don’t lie to yourself bro – figure that shit out.
That relationship is only salvageable if you also do not want to ever have a fulfilling sex life. Or if she is encouraging you to have a one-sided open relationship to seek a sexually fulfilling life with other partners.
No. No. No. On the up side you’ll still be best friends as it was never an actual sexual relationship. This will NEVER work. Unless you’re into casual hookup sex of an open marriage or you’re poly this dynamic will never work out long term… do not marry this woman.
Leave. Children is a nonnegotiable if you want them and in general you shouldn’t have to be sexless either. This is her cross to bear. Let her find another asexual person (or maybe she’s actually gay?) and you can hopefully be friends down the road after a little time apart.
Tell her she’s a great person, however you want or need someone on the same path..
She is not wrong for being asexual, she’s still deserving of love and affection from her partner.
But you’re not wrong for wanting sex to be a part of a relationship.
It can work with some people. However, that’s a pretty important area of compatibility that you guys are not aligned with.
You can stay close friends and hang out, but if you want a sexual relationship with your partner, she’s not the one for you.
Do you know what asexual means to you? for context I dated an a-sexual person for a while our sex life was good from my point of view. they didnt really care about sex but did it regually to please me. that is a whole different story then someone who doesnt want sex.
This is just my opinion!
First off I applaud you for sticking around for 4 years while not having sex. That’s a real commitment and I’m sorry to say but your GF absolutely does not understand how she will never find anyone with that type of dedication ever again. and she never will understand how much you truly loved her until you leave and let her figure it out on her own.
I wish her luck in finding a male partner who does not want to have sex. I’m very sorry this has happened to you.
No, this relationship will leave you feeling empty AF inside. Having sexual chemistry is EVERYTHING