Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and a bit and is the first major relationship I’ve had. Ive never been with another woman romantically or sexually.
She’s mentioned this problem twice now regarding the amount of sex we have and I don’t really know what i can do about it. She’s assured me when we have sex she thinks its perfect but the amount of times we have sex isn’t enough.
She’s mentioned her weight gain and how she believes that’s the reason why I don’t have sex enough but each talk is a different reason why she believes we don’t have a lot of sex.
Am I the problem? I’ve been a very lonely guy most of my life so ive learnt to live without sex. I also have specific kinks where she prefers more vanilla stuff. I’m not sure really what I can do other than to force myself to have sex.
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What’s preventing you from having sex more often?
I get having specific kinks, but is she actually look for sex, or intimacy?
You know you can please your partner without needing to 💦 yourself….?
Info: how much sex was had before her weight gain and how much now? Also, do you want to be more specific with said kinks?
It sounds like you’re both navigating uncharted territory, and it’s understandable that communication might feel tricky when expectations don’t align… have you considered setting aside time to talk about what “enough” means for both of you without focusing on the frequency?
Share your kinks and get her to enjoy them with you. You need to work together if you want to stay together. Set aside an extra day where it each person ‘s choice of what position or kink you explore.
Don’t force yourself, it should be something one enjoys not a chore. Talk about kinks you guys have, thing you want experience and try.
My 2 cents:
If you’re so out of touch with physical intimacy that you’re contemplating forcing yourself to do it, that’s a red flag for both of you – because that path leads to quiet resentment.
This isn’t about “am I the problem?” , it’s about avoiding the work of intimacy because you’ve gotten used to loneliness.
It’s not just kinks vs. vanilla , it’s about meeting each other’s needs halfway, emotionally and physically.
You need to ask yourself if this is something you genuinely want to work on, or if you’re just staying out of habit and comfort.
Because if nothing changes, she’ll either feel more and more rejected or start sensing that you’re forcing yourself and honestly, that’s a slow, quiet way to kill a relationship.
Have the hard talk. Be honest. And if it’s not a match, let each other go before the resentment builds.
Sex drive mismatches are common and not a sign you’re broken. Don’t force yourself talk openly with her about your needs, insecurities, and desires. Reassure her if you do find her attractive, but also be honest. Communication > assumptions.
You’ve left out the most important detail
HOW MUCH SEX ARE YOU ACTUALLY HAVING
&
HOW MUCH MORE DOES SHE WANT
It sounds like she’s insecure, but also you said in a comment you haven’t been in the mood for a couple months, so yes it seems like you have a problem too. Could it be that she’s right and you’re not that attracted to her physically?
Another commenter had a good point: are you loving and intimate with her outside of sex? Or do you keep to yourself? Because increasing non sexual hugs, cuddling, compliments, interest in her life, etc can make her feel wanted without sex.
One thing’s for sure, do NOT force yourself to have sex you don’t want to have. That’s a recipe for disaster.