I am VLC w my NParents and only allow them 3-4 visits a year. They recently had one (mostly to see their grandkids) and I happened to get very ill while they were here. They pulled ALL the Narc moves you’d expect — never checking on me/offering to care for me, trying to leave mid trip even though I was deathly ill and my husband was at work (had to beg them to stay bc I couldn’t physically get out of bed to care for said kiddos), and at the end of the visit complained they “spent no time with me”… bc I was dying of the flu.
After their visit my husband (without my knowledge) decided to send them a text saying he was very disappointed by how they treated me this visit and in general, and that I’m a wonderful wife/mom who deserves more from them.
WELL. You can imagine how just two short paragraphs sent them into a death spiral.
They responded almost instantly with a barrage of texts and missed calls to me and my husband. Berating him about how “dare he” be so disrespectful. They do “everything” for our family and give “1000%” to their grandkids and me. They work “tirelessly” to support “our family” (again… we see them six days a year and I haven’t received money from them since I was 22 lol) and that they’ve “always had a great relationship with my husband” (they haven’t, he’s hated them for years) so {drumroll please} this must be ME forcing him to text them such hateful and hurtful words.
You guys! Fuck these fucking people. I’ve been NC before and in my heart of hearts I knew I’d end up there again. But Christ all fucking mighty! My NDad has had cancer the past 2.5 years and I have really, REALLY tried to maintain a civil relationship w them. The amount of passive aggressive/outright shitty things they’ve done and I’ve ignored are endless. Mostly bc I see them for the pathetic people they are and their everyday Narc antics typically don’t bother me, bc I see right through them. But their lashing out triggers TF out of me. It always shows what lowbrow selfish egomaniac morally superior low intelligence douche bags they are, and it fucking enrages me so intensely.
I’m tempted to tell them off and go scorched earth, even tho deep down I know that fixes nothing. But ugh, my NDad has a big cancer scan coming up and it’s such a shitty time to go NC, mostly bc I know they will be hoovering in overdrive, sending the handful of flying monkeys they have to pester me, and I don’t want to leave my sister alone dealing with all of this.
Any advice on where to go from here?
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NC is better then all this bullshit they’ve been delivering, I’d say go to hell to them! They are adults they can take it!
What keeps your sister from going LC or NC?
Let me put it to you this way: If they really are so needy that they depend on one person, then it’s their responsibility to maintain their side of a healthy relationship with that person. Or at least not be abusive to that person.
If they can’t be arsed to be civil, then it’s really no one’s fault but theirs if they wind up with no one.
I am really sorry you had this experience, and I can relate 100% because almost the EXACT situation happened with mine recently! I had to do a double-take, I thought I must have posted it and forgotten about it.
They live fairly far away, come to visit mainly because of grandkids. They have the same perception of themselves as yours, in that they do everything for us and give their all for their “family” and are basically obsessed with me and my kids. I’m an only child so I get all the attention!
They came to visit and I got really sick. I came home and went to sleep after spending time out with them. They met us back at our house, and never once acknowledged me sick in the other room even though we haven’t seen them for months and months. they sat in the other room for over an hour, and never bothered to walk to the other room (not a bedroom) to check in on me or acknowledge I exist. They took the kids out and when they came back, didn’t even come through the door. They made some lame excuse that shifted blame onto me for being sick and my husband for needing to work or something, and left.
They were supposed to be here another day but actually DID leave early. I got a passive aggressive text full of hint-dropping that it would be best for them to leave tomorrow instead of the following day without further explanation. I asked why and was given some weather-related nonsense that was clearly not true. I just said ok and that was the last I heard from them. No follow up to see if Im feeling better, no “sorry we had to leave early” from my mom who usually is the reasonable one. She must be really in it right now because she’s being quiet toward me. Which is fine, whatever.
My husband was really mad as well, I can understand why yours texted them and it’s honorable. Of course, we know how that’ll go…we are trying to figure out what the heck to say the next time we exchange words, but I wont be the first to contact them. I am curious to see how long this will go.
I am sorry about your predicament especially with your dad in treatment, it is another layer of complexity on an already soul-crushing experience. It’s so frustrating how no amount of truth will ever change anything. It feels like such a hopeless situation, at least in terms of things ever being made right. But we have to remember that is NOT our fault. If they behaved like decent people, we would have no problem with them. He is the only person, along with a few other narcissists I know, that I can’t get along with. Stay strong, and continue to take care of yourself and your immediate family.
Tell your husband this stranger on the Internet thinks he’s AMAZING! Bravo!
I understand. When I decided to go NC I knew it would be hell, but it already was. It was never ever going to be anything other than a horror show when I stopped taking their shit. It was and I withstood the backlash and now I see clearly they are desperate, pathetic people that HATE MY PEACE. Lots of love 💕
I’m actually shocked they didn’t blame your husband for trying to turn you against them, that’s usually their go to. Your husband is a good man for defending his wife. Don’t invite them over anymore. They can text or email but just keep things VLC.
You don’t have to tell them anything, just ghost them.
It will probably take months before they figure out what is going on.
Then you can send back the text they sent you and tell them to fuck off and enjoy hell.
Then block, get security cameras and live your life.
They are outraged because they couldn’t maintain their mask of grandiosity. They’re being confronted about their behavior and they wanted someone to blame for the negative feelings. Its about saving face and as living extensions, you’re not doing enough to keep them looking like gods to your husband. Thats why they’re projecting their rage to make you do more to make them look good. Its all superficial.
I am dealing with my narc mother and narc sister and… the only way really was to maintain your ground and not allow your parents to dysregulate you. They want you scattered, to be remorseful, to perform as the wronged child who needed your parents’ forgiveness…. you dont need that. All you can do was to protect your loved ones and to support each other through this mess. Your husband need you and you need him too and you both can keep your family together against this generational trauma unchecked.