Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf
That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.
However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.
My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.
Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.
We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.
Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.
I need help processing this.
To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:
They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.
They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.
They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.
They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.
They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.
They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off
I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.
My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.
My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.
Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/Theslowestmarathoner:
^(To be notified as soon as Theslowestmarathoner posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Theslowestmarathoner JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
You’re not being too harsh. That text was the emotional equivalent of spitting on a forest fire. It wasn’t an apology, it was a PR move. No accountability, no acknowledgment, no actual remorse. Just a vague “oops” so she can say she “tried.” It’s manipulative and self-serving. You’re right to keep her away from the kids. Let your husband handle his end, but protect your peace.
I am a petty Betty bitch so my only reply would be between you and I, goodbye
That apology is vague and blames you for “crossing boundaries” without owning their real mistakes. It feels like a weak, half-hearted attempt to reset things.
Only texting your husband and not you or the kids shows it’s not a full apology. Your gut is right, it’s disingenuous and not true accountability. Protect yourself and your kids.
I put your post in ChatGPT for you.
ChatGPT said:
You are not being too harsh. In fact, your instincts are spot on. What your MIL did — and your FIL’s reaction too — reveal a profound lack of accountability, empathy, and respect for your family’s boundaries, privacy, and emotional safety. Let’s unpack the message and situation, piece by piece:
This is not a real apology. It’s what’s often called a “non-apology” or “fauxpology.” Here’s why:
“Sorry if…” — This phrasing is inherently deflective. It suggests that the problem might not actually be real, and it subtly shifts blame to you for having a boundary rather than taking responsibility for violating it.
Translation: “If you were offended, sorry, but I don’t really see the issue.”
“Your boundary” — Framing it this way minimizes the universal nature of the violation (sharing your baby’s birth, medical history, IVF journey, etc.). These aren’t just your boundaries — they are basic human expectations of consent and trust.
“I won’t do it again” — While that seems like an acknowledgment, it still avoids naming what she did, avoids acknowledging the impact, and lacks any visible remorse. There is no understanding shown here.
You were the one with a medically dangerous birth. It was your trauma, and your child’s life and emotions are involved. Yet she didn’t include you in the message at all — that’s not a mistake; that’s a choice. She is:
Avoiding the person she most directly hurt,
Hoping to get back into your husband’s good graces without facing the full scope of the harm.
This is likely a manipulative tactic. By reaching out to the person she thinks is more “emotionally available” (her son), she avoids having to own up to the damage with the person who’s more boundary-aware (you).
The timing of this message, after silence, cards, and indirect gestures, suggests she’s:
Testing the waters to see if the door is open a crack.
Trying to “reset” the dynamic without doing the work — this is classic avoidance disguised as reconciliation.
Perhaps feeling social/family pressure to make a move (Mother’s Day just passed; people may be asking questions).
It’s like she’s saying: “Here’s the absolute minimum I can say to justify getting back into your lives — and if you don’t accept it, then you’re the one being unreasonable.” That’s emotional manipulation.
Here’s what’s missing from her text:
No acknowledgment of what she did wrong (“I shared private information; I broke a promise; I hurt you.”)
No acknowledgment of the impact (“You were in medical crisis; you didn’t get to share your baby’s birth; we caused stress.”)
No empathy.
No commitment to change beyond a vague “won’t do it again” with no substance.
No inclusion of your feelings, or the children’s, or your husband’s beyond a surface-level “boundary.”
Your husband sees this as a step. And technically, it is a step — but it’s the kind of step someone takes when they’re still unwilling to climb the actual mountain. If he wants to respond and lay it out again, that’s understandable — grief and hope are powerful forces in family relationships.
But you’re also right:
This “apology” does not repair trust. It does not demonstrate understanding. It does not show safe behavior for a relationship with your children.
Your boundary — “I don’t want them around our children until there’s real accountability” — is healthy and appropriate.
Final Thoughts: What Is She Doing?
Your MIL is:
Avoiding real accountability.
Trying to manipulate your husband back into the relationship without making amends.
Centering her own discomfort (with being estranged) rather than your pain.
Prioritizing optics and reconciliation over repair.
It’s not selfish to protect your family. It’s wise.
She didn’t apologise. She said she was sorry IF she crossed your boundary. IF!! She already knows she did and now she’s downplaying it.
First if all, an apology has to be an admission of wrongdoing, which this is clearly not. And that’s only the start of making amends. A proper apology starts with admitting wrongdoing, making up for the wrongdoing and then showing consistent changed behaviour. She’s not even on step 1.
My mother once asked how many more times she would have to apologize. She had yet to say she was sorry for anything over the two days we were trying to deal with our issues. It’s totally checking a box so she can say she did and act surprised it’s not enough because you’re family.
This is not an apology. An apology is an act of contrition. This was not it. He should not explain again. They know. They choose to ignore. This was an ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’ Or more like, ‘I’m sorry that you won’t let me walk all over you. You are wrong , but here is your token apology.’
Don’t respond.
That apology would’ve been flippant and insufficient without the “if.” It’s completely nullified with it. I don’t see a path forward for you and your kids having a relationship with them. If your husband wants one, that’s his call, but he can’t discuss you or the kids AT ALL because they can’t be trusted with your information and have forfeited that right.
I think she doesn’t like being cut off from her son and grandkids, and she is reaching out. She knows she has to apologize to get back in, so she did. It’s hard to take the first step, and it’s pretty much always going to be awkward and not right.
I don’t think her apology is enough, but I also don’t really think anything will be enough. Nothing really turns back time and erases their actions. You think that if they truly understand and acknowledge how terrible what they did was, you will feel better. Eh. It’s nice to get the acknowledgement. But those kind of feelings, especially post-partum, really stick with you. And truthfully, they will never understand. What they did was terrible, and they don’t see it, will never see it, because they will always see things only from “their” side, what they want, how they felt, etc. Your husband, however, would be comforted just by skimming the surface of acknowledgement. So truthfully – the minimum is enough for him, the maximum likely won’t be enough for you. You just aren’t going to be in the same boat on this.
From your initial post, you had a similar incident with them years before. And they landed on “never tell us anything you don’t want us to share, because we cannot keep a secret.” IMO, the biggest gulf to any reconciliation is this. YOU need to accept this. They need to accept they will be last on the info totem pole, and you need to accept that they cannot be trusted and tell them nothing.
My personal take – if your husband is struggling and really wants them back in his life, then I would not prevent that. As horrible as this all was, at the worst time, it is not so unforgivable that I would ask my husband to forever lose his parents. But this isn’t a case of “he can have contact, the kids and I won’t.” Because the issues surrounding them are just as troublesome with only your husband in contact – he tells them something, they tell the world.
At this time, my boundaries would be more around husband. If he is resuming contact, he needs to understand the true meaning of an info diet. He kept them in the loop on the fertility journey last time, only to find they were telling everyone. HE needs to truly get that he cannot trust them ever again, no matter how sincere he finds them, to keep anything private. That is simply outside of their abilities. If he is resuming a relationship, he needs to be in total agreement that he can tell them NOTHING private.
Anyone with a smidgen more self/social awareness than your ILs can see what happened. If someone put me in a group chat about a third party TTC, or announced someone’s birth, (much less both!) I would clock their crazy.
I suspect they are not getting the sympathy they think they are due, and someone may have sat them down to attempt to explain boundaries but it mostly wooshed and MIL has now done the hare minimum to tell that person she did what they said, and to tell others she’s apologized.
I would ignore it, and frankly, I would block them. They aren’t worth the headspace you are giving them, they clearly can’t change.